Parenthood: Week 417 – One-on-one

I never had my parents all to myself.

I was the second born out of two. My brother had three years when it was just him and my parents. Ever since I was born, my brother had to share my parents with me. Ethan and Lucas are the same way. Ollie had a couple of years when it was him, me, Diana, and Buffy. That was our family. That was his universe. Then Ethan arrived, and then Lucas. Like me, they never had a period when they were an only child.

Partially because of the pandemic, we've had a lot of time when we are in the house together as a family. There are fewer extracurricular activities, a lot fewer places we could take our children, and there was no in-person school for some time.

The moments when I'm truly one-on-one with one of my sons feel rare. Even when Lucas and Ethan take a nap, and I'm playing video games with Ollie, I'm not fully alone with Ollie. At any time, one of the boys could wake up. But there are moments when I feel fully with him and not having my attention split with my other children. The same goes for when I'm going on a walk with Lucas and Ollie or taking Ethan grocery shopping.

One of the interesting things is how my children are different when they are away from their siblings. Different sides of their personality come out when they are by themselves. They are often calmer since they don't have to fight me for attention. I can focus on what they are saying more since my attention isn't split, and I feel like I can be more present, not worried about what is going on with another child who is not directly in front of me.

I feel bad sometimes because I know that I probably could be more patient with my children if there weren't three. At the same time, I know that their lives are enriched because they have each other. And I think that learning how to share people you love with others is a very important lesson. This can be learned outside of the context of having siblings, but it's a lesson learned early when you have brothers and/or sisters.

I love seeing how my children interact when they are all together, and I love seeing them by themselves explore the world with me by their side. As they get older, it will be interesting to see how their relationships with each other change. And I'm looking forward to seeing how our time together one on one builds our relationship as father and son.

It's hard to find the moments to focus on one of my children, but it's worth it. There's the practical piece of it. I've discovered that focused time on one of them, even for a short period, eases stress in the house. If I spend five minutes reading a book to Ethan, he is a lot less likely to bug me when I'm trying to clean up the kitchen or change Lucas's diaper.

More than the practical, the one-on-one time helps me better see, hear, and understand my children as individuals. I see myself as a dad different. With all three, I sometimes feel inadequate  and overwhelmed. When it's just one child, I'm reminded how good I am at this parenting thing and that among the chaos, my children love me, and I love them.