Year 9: Week 27 – Belonging

This week was the furthest thing from uneventful. On Wednesday I participated in an in-service day with the 5th grade team. We spent the morning discussing the concept of “white fragility,” taking a deep dive into our own racial identity development. It was a fascinating discussion and I felt grateful to be in a space where we could talk openly and frankly, in a safe and supportive space about issues related to racial identity and racism.

There was good learning down in all of my classes. 3rd graders are progressing on their recorders and I am maintaining a cool head a calm atmosphere as they learn how to play these instruments. I told them that I refuse to teach in a chaotic environment. I stopped a class, and we talked about this for five minutes, just to center myself and the students. It’s not worth pushing ahead if we can’t create a calm space to create music. If I’m feeling tension and a challenge to concentrate because students are playing out of turn and goofing off, then my students must be feeling the same discomfort. It’s not all about how I feel, but sometime my feelings can be good gauge.

5th graders are behind, not because of anything they did  but rather the arc of the year and my own planning. I extended a composition unit, and then lost time with this Middle Ages unit. This is only an issue because we have a performance of this music coming up. I’m debating how I use my time well. The choice I was facing was doing one less song or do less enrichment work around the songs (e.g. studying the history of the song, and the meaning of the lyrics). I’m leaning towards doing one fewer song. I’d rather have them perform two songs with an emotional connection and understand the “why” behind the song, than three songs with only a surface understanding of their meaning.

Middle schools kids? 6th has a great vibe and is moving deliberately. I’m concerned about the progress learning the songs but what they are learning is really solid. 8th grade is moving at a great pace with their learning but the vibe is tricky. They like the music, but they don’t have a positive sense of how they can work together.  Maybe through their progress they can see each other.

Friday, my school had a Race, Privilege & Community Building Conference. It included parents, teachers, students, alumni, and administrators. We talked in small group about roadblocks to feeling a sense of belonging at our school, and what we can do to work on this. The afternoon ended with a student panel talking to all of the adults about their experience as students. It was touching, powerful, revealing, and challenging.

I will never forget the story from the students whose parent is a teacher at our school.

This idea of belonging got to me more than I expected. It’s hard to pull apart my feelings of not belonging in school with these same feelings outside of school.  This is all due to the unique facets of my identity. For example, I don’t feel like I belong sometimes with the other male-identified teachers because most of them are sports fans. Well, this is not unique to school, and happens with almost every single man I interact with in my life.

There are things unique to my position at this school that leads to feeling like I don't belong. I am part of the music department but I am the department chair, so I am a step apart. I fit in with the other department chairs but we have different jobs because our departments have different needs. I am included with other grade level teams, but they have so much work they do with each other and not me, that I’m not 100% really with them.

Being social is hard for me outside of school, and those challenges carry across to my professional life. I think we can work as a school to overcome people’s sense of not belonging, but for me it’s hard to know what my school can really do.  My school is and has always made an effort to make me feel like I belong and that I am supported.  Some of this work must be on me...I guess?

I don’t have any conclusions with the concept of belonging but I have feelings I don’t know how to reconcile and I don't completely understand.  

Parenthood: Week 311 – Interrupting

Ollie asked me the other day if kissing was gross. I asked him whether he thought kissing was gross and he explained that one of his friends at school told him kissing was gross. “I asked you, if you thought kissing was gross, not your friend.” Ollie thought for a second and told me that he liked kissing. I explained to him that some people like kissing and some people think its gross and that this it okay that people felt differently about kissing the same way that it was okay that Ollie didn’t like to eat some of the foods that I enjoy.

Having a five-year-old child that goes to a school means that he is influenced by ideas from his peers and his teachers. Some of these ideas reinforce our family values, and some do not. it’s tricky because I want Ollie to understand and accept the idea of plurality, but I also want him to know and own our families values as well…better.

These seem like contradicting ideas but it’s where I am at right now. For example, the whole kissing is gross thing is horrible. Our societies damaging ideas of masculine often includes this idea that physical affection is not strong a manly characteristic. Stemming from the echoes of fear of homosexuality, boys still get the message that signs of affection, like kissing are an undesirable activity, and are “gross.” Masculinity defined this way creates a negative self-talk when boys in healthy ways want to express affection but fight these instincts and instead fail to reach out and connect when they need to the most.

I think that saying “kissing is gross” is wrong. However, at the same time, I want Ollie to be able to co-exist with this other kid and not get into an argument with him. Maybe if Ollie can learn to accept his different viewpoint on kissing, he can better accept others later in his life who do not share his beliefs.

The thing that made me sad was that Ollie was worried. I could tell by the way that he asked this question that something was wrong. I kiss Ollie all of the time, and he kisses me, Diana, Ethan, and Buffy. He sees me kiss everyone in the family often, and that’s part of how we show love to each other. Ollie was wrestling in his head whether or not this was okay because of some silly backwards idea that some kid was throwing around at school. We talked it out and Ollie felt fine knowing that kissing was something that he could enjoy and and being different in this way was okay. After we talked, he leaned over gave me a kiss on the check and hug.

I’ve also had to explain to Ollie that contrary to what some kid told him at school that boys and girls could be friends, boys could have long hair, girls could have short hair, boys aren’t stronger than girls, and that fighting was not a good way to solve problems.

This is the tip of iceberg. I realize that these conversations, when I have to interrupt his thoughts about what people say at school will be a constant part of our interactions. While these are challenging, they are wonderful teachable moments that require me to articulate to Ollie values that me and Diana hold dear but rarely say aloud.

I think about a that generation of fathers who were told that hugging and kissing their son would turn them into homosexuals.  It's hurts my heart that Ollie would even get a hint of that.

I don't always know what to say to interrupt these damaging thoughts, but I know I have to save something. We all do.   

Year 9: Week 26 - Peaceful Means

My 3rd graders have been preparing this week to perform the Harry Belafonte song, “Turn The World Around,” as part of a presentation of the book Peaceful Fights For Equal Rights. We discussed the quote in the preface from Martin Luther King Jr.’s 1967 Christmas Sermon, “We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means.” As I explained the premise of the quote, it was clear that some of the students were confused.

I explained the larger context of the quote King talks about how military leaders including Charlemagne, Adolf Hitler, and Lyndon B. Johnson all talk about peace as the end goal of warfare. “The idea is that if there is a battle going on, the solution that many people try, including America is to join the fight with the goal of achieving peace.” At this point that every student was confused.

One of them asked:

Why would people think that the best way to keep people from fight a war would be to start fighting in that war? Wouldn’t that just cause more fighting? Shouldn’t they just help people to talk to each other?

Other students nodded in agreement. A couple others rephrased her question sharing similar thoughts. As my mind raced to figure out a way to explain geopolitics to the 3rd graders, I instead went another route.

Yes, that makes sense. If two of your friends are fighting, joining their fight wouldn’t get them to stop. This is why when you are all being very loud, I make my voice quiet when I talk to you. You can’t fight fire with fire, you put out fires with water. So why have so many people throughout history decided that the way to stop wars and achieve peace was through violence? I don’t know. Your solution makes a lot more sense to me. Look I’m a lot older than you, I’m in my thirties, and a lot of things in the world still don’t make sense to me and that’s okay. Part of growing up is learning that the world doesn’t make sense, but here’s the thing. All of you have the right idea. That in order to have peace you have to use peace. You will have to spend a lot of time understanding why other people don’t get that, but what’s more important is that you do.

The confusion in the students’ faces eased. Maybe it was because I validated their thoughts or acknowledge that I shared in their confusion. And as I sensed their minds settle, I moved on with the class.

The 3rd graders pointed out a lack of logic, a baffling contradiction in the way we attempt to achieve peace, even now, as a human race. They got something about what we should do and can do to solve conflict that many adults don’t seem to understand.

Violence in our schools? In a school in Indiana many thought that an active shooter drill in which teachers are shot at with plastic pellets would help prepare the teachers. Gun crimes? Arm “responsible” gun owners so they can participate in vigilantly-like actions. Wars in other countries? Bomb them.

None of this makes any sense. Creating more opportunities for violence is not going to prevent violence and responding to violence with aggression isn’t going to solve anything. My 3rd graders, a group of 8 and 9 years-old’s get it. 

Why don't we?

Parenthood: Week 310 - Cleaning Up Toys

Every day, I clean up after my children.

One of the reasons that me and Diana have continued to have our children go to sleep a couple hours before we do is so that we have some time to ourselves and also have time to do chores. This can include laundry, doing dishes, and generally tidying up around the house. One chores that we do every single night is put away toys.

Ethan is one and a half so he doesn’t really understand the concept of cleaning up. He is starting to understand that things have a place. For example, today he brought me book to read to him from a bookshelf and after I was done reading he put that book back in the bookshelf. Okay, actually he threw the book in the general direction of the bookshelf and it landed on the floor. Right now, we model cleaning-up when he is transitioning between activities, and sometimes he “helps.”

Ollie is five years old and he is perfectly capable of putting his toys away. So why do we end up cleaning up his toys for him every night? Part of this is because I often fail to remind him to clean up one toy before getting another toy out to play with. Sometimes this piles up, and the choice is between having him spend a half hour cleaning up or get him to bed on time. More often than not I choose getting him to bed on time.

Cleaning up, especially when it’s a lot and it’s at the end of the day is not a situation that is conducive to creating that relaxing transition into bed time. I still feel you need to set standards for behavior all of the time, but if there’s a mess that could have better been handled through my management of Ollie’s play, it doesn’t add up in my mind to make a big fuss about it right before going to bed.

What is Ollie learning from waking up every day and seeing that his parents cleaned up the house, and his toys? Well, first that it was me and Diana who did the cleaning. At one point he asked why things were clean when he woke up, and we explained that it was because we cared about him. Cleaning up after your children is an expression of love and yes, so is making them clean up after themselves.

The more important thing is something I learned from my parents. They did the same thing when I grew up. I always woke to a clean house. I got used to it. I’m not a neat freak but a I prefer things to be organized. Knowing that my parents cleaned and seeing them clean taught is exactly why I clean. It’s about pride, it’s about setting standards, not taking your privilege for granted, and helping your children understand that you care.

Yes, Ollie needs to clean more, and it’s frustrating that he doesn’t and resist my request. However, even more than the feeling of exhaustion, I feel satisfied at night before going to bed knowing that because of me and Diana’s effort our boys will wake up with the feeling of a fresh start that can only come from a clean house.

Year 9: Week 25 - Teaching Through Doing Less "Teaching"

There have been many ways that I’ve evolved as a professional in my years as a teacher. I’ve learned how to prioritize tasks and how to feel okay when tasks are left undone at end of the day. I’ve explored different ways to balance my work and personal life and come to the conclusion this is less of a balancing act and more of a melding of roles. And one of the most important and intriguing things I’ve learned that has brought me great success as a teacher is learning how to let go and do less active teaching.

When I started as a teacher I wanted to make my own worksheets, design my own curriculum, and do as much teaching myself as possible. There was this idea that great teachers do it all. And like the unrealistic expectations of the “super mom,” a teacher can not do it all and be successful. But I tried, and I wasn’t successful.

When I taught students with special needs, I had to use a specific scripted curriculum. I initially chafed at the idea. After I saw how effective it was, I came to appreciate the quality of this curriculum and how much I had to learn from this program.

I teach at a progressive education independent school which requires me to continuously evolve curriculum. In this context, one could lose themselves continuously trying to innovate in isolation. Over the years, I had found that success isn’t so much about doing this work myself but rather collaborating with others.

When creating a lesson comparing Motown and Atlantic Records, I geeked out with another teacher to design the lesson. I could have done it myself, but his insights made the process more fun, and provided more depth to the lesson.

Now whenever I consider teaching a song the first thing I do is search for curricular materials, and more often than not, I can find lessons to work from or simply use. This allows me to focus more time on differentiation and making teaching materials meaningful to my students and less on creating materials.

As teachers our primary responsibility to facilitate the learning of our students. There is an ego and bravado with younger teachers, including myself years back, where one thinks that the best person and the best ways of teaching comes from the teacher him/herself. Partially because of experience, and the fact that my time is more limited than ever, I’ve learned to let go, and through my students’ success, I have found that this isn’t such a bad thing.

While there is great joy in teaching my students, I have found a different, but very meaningful joy in watching other people teach my students more effectively than I could and seeing my students have great experiences. To that end, I've handed my classes over to other teachers and guest more this year than every before.  Maybe it’s because I’ve grown to find more meaning in my home life, or because I feel more secure as a teacher, but I don’t need the song to be about me. I do craze credit and recognition for what I set up for my students, I don’t need to be the one in front of my students to feel like I’m doing the work.

Our job is not to be a magical, encyclopedic source of knowledge.  We're here to help our student learn, and sometimes the best way to do this is to sit back and let someone else take the wheel.   

Parenthood: Week 309 – All That Is Finite

It’s a strange feeling when you are “cuddled out” by your baby.

Human contact is essential for physical and mental health. Babies that do not get enough nurturing contact, sometimes have health risks. Research has shown that cuddling stimulates human growth hormones, and signals to the digestive system to pull nutrients from food and not just let food pass through the a body.

For most the feeling of a welcomed hug, and even a hand shake can turn a bad mood to good. Words bring comfort and strength, but sometimes a pat on the back and can be more powerful in expressing a feeling of support.

Ethan is a cuddlier baby that his older brother Ollie. This isn’t a good or bad thing, it’s just a difference. Ollie had his clingy moments as a baby, however he wasn’t as reliant on actual physical contact to go to sleep and be smoothed back to sleep. Maybe it was because Ollie was more of a thumb sucker, or maybe it was because Ollie was swaddled. It could simply be because my two sons have different personalities.

At this stage, Ethan has difficulty going to sleep and staying asleep without someone near. He has his spans where he sleeps independently during the night, but during daytime naps, unless he feels a body next to him, or is held, he often doesn’t take very long naps. Instead of sucking his thumb, or playing with his own hair as Ollie did, Ethan grabs an article of clothing for comfort. With me sometimes it’s the color of my shirt, or my necklace. During the night, I wear tank tops, and he finds great comfort in the shoulder straps on my shirt.

Holding a sleeping baby and sleeping with a baby is not like anything else. It’s unique from sleeping with Buffy, my dog and isn’t the same as cuddling with my wife. It’s really magical the way they try to burrow into your body and completely relax into your body.

The other part that makes it unique is the fact that a little human cuddling up against you cannot negotiate their body, so they need help adjusting. They have no regard for your comfort. Even Buffy gets when I’m uncomfortable.

This can make sleeping with a baby tiresome. Babies can twist their bodies in ways that make them difficult to hold, and sometimes feet end up in your face as they sleep perpendicular to you. And that indescribably magic of sleeping with a little one can be lost. You get the point when you feel like that last thing you want in the world is someone else touching you, even your precious little one.

It makes me sad sometimes when I need a physical break from my baby when all he wants is to be held. The magic of calming a crying baby by simply holding them loses its novelty when this baby in your arms prevents you from getting stuff done around the house, or simply living life. I still remember the first time I picked up both of my boys. It was an amazing feeling, and now since I hold my baby every day, it has become routine.

I don’t think I should feel bad for needed space from my baby, but I also think it’s important that I take the time to remember and experience the magic of holding my child every day.

There are so many things in life, so many wonderful moments, a kiss, a hug, a smile, that we just move through life without appreciating, barely noticing. These things seem endless but like all things in life they are finite, which is exactly what makes them special. There’s a limited amount of times that Ethan will find comfort sleeping in my arms. From what I’ve experienced with Ollie, there’s no countdown. You don’t get a warning. One day, they just fall asleep on their own and would rather not cuddle.  Ollie still cuddles with me.  It's still special but it's different from when he was a baby.

So try to stop and smell the baby, and in those moments of frustration, try to enjoy those moments the best that you can.  In your arms you are the world to your child, and if you allow yourself in that moment they can be your world too. 

Year 9: Week 24 – Affinity Space

Many Americans enjoy the benefits of affinity groups. Men and women often socialize in single gender-identified groups. For example, it’s not uncommon for men to socialize in places like bars which are almost exclusive occupied by straight cis-gendered men. Sports create opportunities for affinity while watching a football game with a group of people who are also Chicago Bears fans. Bruce Springsteen fans finds affinity spaces during Springsteen concerts, Catholics find affinity spaces in church, and if you really love cars, you got your affinity space in car shows.

People getting together with other people who share a facet of their identity is something that happens all of the time in our society. So why do we need to create affinity spaces in schools and why are other people uncomfortable with affinity groups?

This is on my mind as my school is moving forward to start an Asian-American Affinity group at the middle school level, and my experience being the part of a conference that was for leaders of color in school, which was a whole day experience I shared with educators of color.

Having experience racial affinity spaces formally and creating informal affinity spaces like a group of dads that I socialized with, I know the positivity and affirmation that come from time with people who share meaningful facets of my identity. The reason that specific effort has to happen to make these groups is because they do not as easily occur as other affinity spaces.

If you do not have mirrors for part of your identity, the positive feelings that you have about that part of yourself can be difficult to nurture. If you are a Cubs fan, and live in a city where no one else is a Cubs fan, your identity as a Cubs fan can feel isolating. No, being a Cubs fan is not exactly the same as racial identity, but since sports metaphors are the American way, I figured I’d give one a try.

I’m not going to go into all of the reasons that gender, sexual and gender-based affinity groups are important but I do want to clear up some misunderstandings. People of color don’t spend all of their time in affinity spaces complaining about White people. We don’t need affinity spaces because all of the White people we work with are racist and it’s not unfair that you don’t have your own White affinity group.

One of the things I’ve learned in life is that you don’t have to completely understand what brings someone meaningful and affirmation in order to support it. I don’t completely understand why my wife found meaning in a breast-feeding support. I get it intellectually, but I will never fully understand on an emotional level what that group meant to her because I will never nurse a baby. What I do understand is that every time she went to that group she would be in a good mood for the rest of the day and she has made some of her best friends through that group. This is why I always supported her going, not because I got “it,” but because she told me it meant something to her.

When people of color, or other oppressed minorities find meaning in affinity spaces or groups, and you don’t get why they need these spaces. That’s okay. You don’t need to understand in order to support your co-workers, your friends and your family members. Take their word for it. It’s not a pie. If they have these spaces it doesn’t mean that you will have less in your life. In fact, you will have more. Affinity spaces allow people to build their self-image, feel better about their own identity, and in general be more fulfilled as a human being. Trust me, this will make your life better and trust them when they say they need these spaces. You getting “it” is helpful, but not as important and them getting theirs.

Parenthood: Week 308 - Healthy

When I’m sick, I tell myself to try to remember what it’s like to feel sick, so I can better enjoy feeling healthy, something I often take for granted. Being healthy is a privilege most people don’t think about because it is a state of “neutral.” You feel sick when part of your body is bothering you, and you feel healthy when you don’t feel anything wrong. Unlike when you are sick, there is no symptom or constant reminds that you are in fact healthy.

The same goes for the way we externally view our children. I often feel that I take my children’s health for granted, but not always. When you enter the realm of being a parent, you find friends who have young children as well. As you see experiences of people around you, the struggles of other children and parents related to the health are more noticeable.

I have friends and family who have had miscarriages, and a family member who had a child during childbirth. People in my life have had children who have had to have significant gastro-intestinal issues, birth defects, born pre-mature, and had brain surgery. I’ll never forget going to the funeral of a one of Diana’s second cousins who died from complications related to significant disabilities as a teenager.

These challenges are part of the human condition and what it means to be a parent. As your heart grows when your child is born, your empathy for the parental struggles of others grows as well. Only the most hardened of parents, doesn't feel the ache deep in the heart as a parent struggles with the health of their own children.

Ethan is finally over having Roseola, a virus. It’s a relatively common and treatable virus. There were fevers that spiked and the rash that covered his whole body for a couple days which was one of the saddest things to see. Like when Ollie would get Croup, I wish that I could absorb the virus from Ethan and work through it for him. You hold your child when they are sick and you imagine that through love and sheer will you can heal them, but unfortunately sometimes all you can do is wait.

I knew that Ethan was going to be fine when he was going through the worst of Roseola, but I was still concerned. While it was a challenge dealing with his fussiness and sleeplessness, the one thing he wanted more than anything was to be cuddled.

Now that he is better, and he has found his “sorts,” and his smiles, I am so grateful that he is healthy. I’m trying to make a point to pause and just enjoy his health. At the same time, I want to keep the struggles of other parents in my heart and my mind. There is privilege in health, and perspective can be lost in moments when your primal instinct as a parent takes over.

Your child will get sick.  It's not a question of "if," it's a question of "when."  It's never easy, but in some it get easier.  You learn to focus on positive thinking, and knowing that like all things in life, this sickness is finite.  When your child is healthy how do honor the experiences of others who continue to struggle with the health of their children? 

I'm not sure, but it's an important question that I will continue to contemplate as I hold my children close to me and remind myself of the parents hoping for a miracle so that their child can grow healthy and strong.  

Year 9: Week 23 – Teaching While Sleep Deprived

One of the “entertaining” challenges of being a teacher for me at this stage in my life is teaching when I’m really tired. I probably got five hours of sleep last night…not consecutively. The strange thing is that I’m usually able to rally throughout the day. Things start falling apart after school.

The energy of students is a magical thing. It can sustain and reenergize. It’s a reminder of purpose that provides clarity through the haze of fatigue. This is why doing work when students aren’t in the building or during summer break always seems to go slower than work done when school is session. Things just snap together and start grooving faster and easier when I feel the spirit of my students.

It’s undeniable that teaching without being fully rested effects practice. However, in general I find that the changes and adjustment I make are not detrimental to the students’ experience with me in the classroom. One of the strange things my students have noticed when I am teaching on days that I get very loud, or “screamy” when I give directions and instruct. My students aren’t worried that I’m angry, they are just surprised at how loud I am.

The other thing that is interesting when I’m teaching while fatigued is that I don’t take myself as seriously. I find that any tendency to be overly picky about student behavior disappears as I lean into the fun and energy of the class. It’s weird, the students actually don’t behave worse in these situations. Maybe they are just confused/baffled at my apparent silliness, but they usually just go along with things.

Then there are the moments before or after class, or in the hallway when a student looks sees through the façade and notices that I’m tired. Sometimes it’s a younger student or an older one. Regardless, I’m touched when they ask. Most of my students don’t really look at me a full human being. I’m their teacher. It’s why they get so weirded out when they see me outside of the school building. Student shouldn’t think about me my well-being beyond a level of teacher-student respect. So I’m not surprised that most don’t look beyond my act as teacher to think about how I’m doing.

Empathy is a muscle and some students have exercised that muscle more than others, and for those kids, they notice. When they ask, I’m touched, and I’m usually honest about why I’m tired.

Life and work can’t be pulled apart. You have to learn how to make things work. The reservoir that grows when you become a parent also grows in your teaching.  You learn how to work smarter, not harder. 

Working with less sleep is not idea, but it pushes you to focus on what really matters in the classroom.  Sometimes we over-complicate teaching.  Lack of sleep keeps this from happening, because you don't have the energy to overthink.  Right now, that's not such a bad thing in my life and in my teaching.