Families across American and across the world experienced a dramatic change a couple weeks ago. In the Chicagoland area, it started with people washing their hands more, and rumors of a school closings. This is a big deal.
I never completely understood why the closing of a school for a snow day was that big of deal…until I had children. If you have no kids and are a teacher, when you have a snow day, you stay home from school. It’s pretty much a day off. When you have children, this means that your children are also home from school, which is generally not that big of a deal because you as a teacher have the day off too.
What has happened now is completely different and the most unique personal and professional situation I have experienced. My children are not in school, and I’m not in school, however my children need to be taught remotely, as I figure out how to teach my students remotely. Let’s add in that playdates are out, museum are closed, and playgrounds are off limits. This means many parks are pretty much out the question because who wants to bring a kid to a park and tell them they can’t go on the slide.
Every assumption that has been made about our lifestyle with our children, has been completely upended. Yes, it’s wonderful to have more time with our children. However, this time was thrust upon us in a way that was so sudden that for many parents there left little time to make any adjustments for the new normal. It just happened: kids are at home, and we have to figure out to make it work.
Children being at home from school is not a simple proposition. Many children get essential mental health service and physical therapy at schools. For some children the safest place to be is not in their homes, and for most children, school provides essential time for students to socialize, develop different facets of their identity, and become independent learners. Video chats over the internet are nice, but they don’t come close to replacing what school provides.
For at least another month, this is where we are at. We are trying to be for our children, what we cannot. At the same time, we are trying to re-conceptualize how the priorities we hold as parents, while unchanged, require different actions out of us.
Every parent is finding this time challenging, albeit for different reasons. And some parents are going through significant trauma right now. While advice is not hard to find, and statements of support are out there, the structures and systems are struggling to help us. The best teachers are struggling right now, and many work places have failed to make changes to figure out how to allow parents to work their job at home while caring for their own children.
This is not what we signed up for. No one told us that a feature of being a parent was keeping your children at home during a pandemic. Like many challenges I’ve faced in the past week that have left me without direction, I don’t how to end this post.
I’ll say this: I love my children. While they are one of the reasons that this crisis is so difficult right now, they are also the reason why I am doing everything I can to help. They are the reason I still have hope, and in their laughter, I am inspired. Joy in these hard times is powerful, and my children’s spirit and light keeps me going, and keeps me smiling.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Friday, March 27, 2020
Year 10: Week 27 – The First Day…for the third time
I had a first day of school this year in September. It was exciting and fun, and a really great moment. Then I went on paternity leave, and coming back from that I had another “first day.” That day was challenging. It felt weird being back and taking in all that I had missed. After about a week, I felt like I was back in the grove.
This Monday, I had another first day. The first day I taught remotely.
I’ve taught in so many different situations. The youngest students I’ve taught were six years old, and the oldest I’ve taught were octogenarians. I’ve taught in private school, in public school, in summer camps, and private music lessons. However, I have never taught remotely.
Teaching is not the same job in different contexts. There are specific skills one has to learn to teach a summer gifted program versus a high band music theory class. Like teachers all across American, and around the world, I’m doing something that I have not been trained to do, had minimal time to figure out, and don’t feel confident doing.
On one hand it’s good for me to be in a different teaching situations. It’s helps be grow as a professional and as a person. However, the jerking, sudden, and traumatic way that we as a country got slammed by this crisis left us in a horrible mindset to make these adjustments. We are working to figure out what is best for the children of America. While we are doing our work, the inequities in our country that we have lived and were left unaddressed are becoming glaring issues in our ability to do this work.
Some schools have enough devices for students to take home. Some do not. Some families don’t have internet at home, and so many children rely on schools for the most basic of needs to be met like food. There are children at home bored to tears, and some who are stressed out trying to take care of their younger siblings while their parents work.
This is the context of our work.
I dove in on Monday. I taught my students over video chat, and I loved seeing my students. No, nothing compares to being the same room as them, but this was better than nothing. It took some doing to figure out the best way to structure our time and there were norms to set-up, and some thing I learned the hard way. However, we did alright.
This is not a way of working I like, but I love my students and I care about them deeply, and I’m willing to lean into this challenge for their sake. I could tell that having time together really meant a lot to my students, and I’m so glad that I have some way to interact with them.
Every day, every week is going to be different. The new norm is in same ways never going to feel normal. I will fail, as I do whenever I learn to do something new. I’m going to learn from these failures, and keep on. Because while the job is different, the meaning of the work and mission is the same.
This Monday, I had another first day. The first day I taught remotely.
I’ve taught in so many different situations. The youngest students I’ve taught were six years old, and the oldest I’ve taught were octogenarians. I’ve taught in private school, in public school, in summer camps, and private music lessons. However, I have never taught remotely.
Teaching is not the same job in different contexts. There are specific skills one has to learn to teach a summer gifted program versus a high band music theory class. Like teachers all across American, and around the world, I’m doing something that I have not been trained to do, had minimal time to figure out, and don’t feel confident doing.
On one hand it’s good for me to be in a different teaching situations. It’s helps be grow as a professional and as a person. However, the jerking, sudden, and traumatic way that we as a country got slammed by this crisis left us in a horrible mindset to make these adjustments. We are working to figure out what is best for the children of America. While we are doing our work, the inequities in our country that we have lived and were left unaddressed are becoming glaring issues in our ability to do this work.
Some schools have enough devices for students to take home. Some do not. Some families don’t have internet at home, and so many children rely on schools for the most basic of needs to be met like food. There are children at home bored to tears, and some who are stressed out trying to take care of their younger siblings while their parents work.
This is the context of our work.
I dove in on Monday. I taught my students over video chat, and I loved seeing my students. No, nothing compares to being the same room as them, but this was better than nothing. It took some doing to figure out the best way to structure our time and there were norms to set-up, and some thing I learned the hard way. However, we did alright.
This is not a way of working I like, but I love my students and I care about them deeply, and I’m willing to lean into this challenge for their sake. I could tell that having time together really meant a lot to my students, and I’m so glad that I have some way to interact with them.
Every day, every week is going to be different. The new norm is in same ways never going to feel normal. I will fail, as I do whenever I learn to do something new. I’m going to learn from these failures, and keep on. Because while the job is different, the meaning of the work and mission is the same.
Monday, March 23, 2020
Parenthood: Week 363 – Washing Hands
My mom was always a stickler for washing hands.
Every single time I came inside, my mother would make us wash our hands. She firmly believed that this was the an important routine to keep us healthy. At time it seemed overboard. We would be outside playing for only a short period of time and as soon as I’d come, I’d have to wash my hands. Going to the store, where it didn’t seem that dirty, back home the first thing we’d have to do is wash our hands. Sometimes in the middle of the day, when we were home, and hadn’t even left the house, she would make us stop playing and have us wash our hands.
My mom was not unreasonable. There’s nothing wrong with my mom’s handwashing practice but when I was a child it seemed excessive.
There was a time when I was young child when I looked forward to washing my hands.
I’m not sure what age this was, but there was a time I remember when I couldn’t quite wash my hands well independently. Probably around age four or five. When we would come back home from somewhere, my mother would walk me into the house from the garage entrance which we most commonly used. She would grab this stool/step ladder combination, and help me climb up so I could reach the kitchen sink.
My mom would stand behind me and reach over to turn on the kitchen faucet handle which was just out of my reach. She would swing the neck of the faucet over to wet my hands. Then she would pump some soap out of the dispenser into her hands and bring her hands to mine. Carefully and gently she washed my hands as she washed her own. I’ll never forget the feeling of her hands going over each of my fingers, and then her rubbing each one of my hands, one at a time between her two hands.
There are moments when I feel my mom’s presence. Tonight at dinner, eating a bowl of curry, a dish that my mom taught me how to cook, I thanked her in my mind. When I’m teaching and I feel a quiet patience come over me when a student does something frustrating, I know that this comes from my mother. And when I wash my children’s hands, I'm reminded that I am my mother’s son.
Ollie doesn’t really need my help to wash his hands anymore but sometimes I will help. He doesn’t resist my help. Like me, he probably likes the contact, the feeling and the connection. Ethan needs help washing his hands, and while at times he resists, once we get washing, and I start singing the ABC song, he giggles, and smiles delighted in the bubbles and the splashes he can make as we wash together.
In the past week, I have had moments of fear, anger, and frustration. However, when I'm washing Ethan's hands all of that leave me. I feel positive, and powerful knowing that I doing my job as father and caring for son. And I feel my mom, even though she lives across the country, close to me knowing that her love for me is being passed on through me, through my hands, to my son.
Every single time I came inside, my mother would make us wash our hands. She firmly believed that this was the an important routine to keep us healthy. At time it seemed overboard. We would be outside playing for only a short period of time and as soon as I’d come, I’d have to wash my hands. Going to the store, where it didn’t seem that dirty, back home the first thing we’d have to do is wash our hands. Sometimes in the middle of the day, when we were home, and hadn’t even left the house, she would make us stop playing and have us wash our hands.
My mom was not unreasonable. There’s nothing wrong with my mom’s handwashing practice but when I was a child it seemed excessive.
There was a time when I was young child when I looked forward to washing my hands.
I’m not sure what age this was, but there was a time I remember when I couldn’t quite wash my hands well independently. Probably around age four or five. When we would come back home from somewhere, my mother would walk me into the house from the garage entrance which we most commonly used. She would grab this stool/step ladder combination, and help me climb up so I could reach the kitchen sink.
My mom would stand behind me and reach over to turn on the kitchen faucet handle which was just out of my reach. She would swing the neck of the faucet over to wet my hands. Then she would pump some soap out of the dispenser into her hands and bring her hands to mine. Carefully and gently she washed my hands as she washed her own. I’ll never forget the feeling of her hands going over each of my fingers, and then her rubbing each one of my hands, one at a time between her two hands.
There are moments when I feel my mom’s presence. Tonight at dinner, eating a bowl of curry, a dish that my mom taught me how to cook, I thanked her in my mind. When I’m teaching and I feel a quiet patience come over me when a student does something frustrating, I know that this comes from my mother. And when I wash my children’s hands, I'm reminded that I am my mother’s son.
Ollie doesn’t really need my help to wash his hands anymore but sometimes I will help. He doesn’t resist my help. Like me, he probably likes the contact, the feeling and the connection. Ethan needs help washing his hands, and while at times he resists, once we get washing, and I start singing the ABC song, he giggles, and smiles delighted in the bubbles and the splashes he can make as we wash together.
In the past week, I have had moments of fear, anger, and frustration. However, when I'm washing Ethan's hands all of that leave me. I feel positive, and powerful knowing that I doing my job as father and caring for son. And I feel my mom, even though she lives across the country, close to me knowing that her love for me is being passed on through me, through my hands, to my son.
Friday, March 20, 2020
Year 10: Week 26 – Dear Parents On This First Week At Home
Dear Parents,
Okay, it’s been a week. We made it. None of us saw this coming, and none of us had any clue what we’d be in this situation when we signed up for this gig, but we are here and we are making it work. I’m going to put on my teacher hat and give you some advice on how to handle this whole distance learn/home school/whatever you want to call this thing we are trying to do with our children right now.
Ask For Help
The teachers I respect the most are constantly looking for guidance from other master teachers. Likely your child’s teacher would be happy to chat with you or exchange emails about how to structure a day or help your child with a math concept. Most teachers love to talk about their craft. No one expects you to have the expertise of an educator. Reaching out to teachers so they can talk about what they love to do is a welcome distraction from the crisis we are facing. So, seek out help from experts. If your child's teacher is not receptive contact me, seriously I’d be happy to help.
Structure Is Great...To A Point
Children have schedules in school and others types of structures. Educators do this so that children can eventually learn to create their own structures in their lives. So yes, set up a daily schedule so you and your child have a sense of the day, and also be willing to scrap that schedule if something awesome happens. Maybe your child wants to read an extra chapter of their book and that bleeds into math time. Sure, let it happen. Or maybe your child has a random question about something that you love to talk about, go with it. Structures are not cages. They are meant to be built off of, not to meant to constrict. Much of the best teaching has forced me to change my schedule, and that’s not a bad thing at all.
Don’t Worry About Getting Behind
Do what you can to help your child keep up with lessons and assignments that they are given, but if you are no able to keep your kid on track, it’s okay. We will figure it out in the summer and in the fall. All the students will be in different places and teachers will make it work. We are trained to manage students with different levels of knowledge. Teachers expect to work with students in a single grade who have at least three different levels of learning, if not more. For example, a 4th grade teacher will have students who reads at a typical 3rd grade level, some at a 4th grade level, and others at a much more advanced level. We will figure it out. What’s most important brings me to my last point…
Show Your Children That You Care And That They Are Safe
The most important, and primary job of a teacher is ensuring the physical, emotional, and mental safety in the classroom. If students do not feel safe, cared for, and known by teachers any teaching will be ineffective, and any learning will be insignificant. A great teacher may spend half a class setting group norms and getting to know their students. Because of this work, what is learned the last half of the class will far more meaningful than a mediocre teacher who tries to dive into material from the first minute of class.
Especially in this time of high stress and anxiety take the time to show your children that you care and that you love them. When they are doing school work, find positive things they are doing to reinforce their work and their knowledge of how much you love them. You can never tell a child to many times that they are wonderful, special, and important to you.
We miss our students; I can’t even tell express to you how much I miss my students. It’s only been a week, but I wasn’t prepared to be away from them, and I had no idea for how long. I try not to think about it too much, because it hurts. It’s something I feel deep in my heart.
We care for your children deeply, and the most important thing you can do to help us do our job as teachers is not to make sure that the math worksheet done. The most important thing you can do as partners in your child’s education is to show them that you love them, and tell them every day how special they are to you and how much meaning they bring to your life and to all the people who care for them.
Parents, we will see you on the other side of this, and we are looking forward to being with children again.
Okay, it’s been a week. We made it. None of us saw this coming, and none of us had any clue what we’d be in this situation when we signed up for this gig, but we are here and we are making it work. I’m going to put on my teacher hat and give you some advice on how to handle this whole distance learn/home school/whatever you want to call this thing we are trying to do with our children right now.
Ask For Help
The teachers I respect the most are constantly looking for guidance from other master teachers. Likely your child’s teacher would be happy to chat with you or exchange emails about how to structure a day or help your child with a math concept. Most teachers love to talk about their craft. No one expects you to have the expertise of an educator. Reaching out to teachers so they can talk about what they love to do is a welcome distraction from the crisis we are facing. So, seek out help from experts. If your child's teacher is not receptive contact me, seriously I’d be happy to help.
Structure Is Great...To A Point
Children have schedules in school and others types of structures. Educators do this so that children can eventually learn to create their own structures in their lives. So yes, set up a daily schedule so you and your child have a sense of the day, and also be willing to scrap that schedule if something awesome happens. Maybe your child wants to read an extra chapter of their book and that bleeds into math time. Sure, let it happen. Or maybe your child has a random question about something that you love to talk about, go with it. Structures are not cages. They are meant to be built off of, not to meant to constrict. Much of the best teaching has forced me to change my schedule, and that’s not a bad thing at all.
Don’t Worry About Getting Behind
Do what you can to help your child keep up with lessons and assignments that they are given, but if you are no able to keep your kid on track, it’s okay. We will figure it out in the summer and in the fall. All the students will be in different places and teachers will make it work. We are trained to manage students with different levels of knowledge. Teachers expect to work with students in a single grade who have at least three different levels of learning, if not more. For example, a 4th grade teacher will have students who reads at a typical 3rd grade level, some at a 4th grade level, and others at a much more advanced level. We will figure it out. What’s most important brings me to my last point…
Show Your Children That You Care And That They Are Safe
The most important, and primary job of a teacher is ensuring the physical, emotional, and mental safety in the classroom. If students do not feel safe, cared for, and known by teachers any teaching will be ineffective, and any learning will be insignificant. A great teacher may spend half a class setting group norms and getting to know their students. Because of this work, what is learned the last half of the class will far more meaningful than a mediocre teacher who tries to dive into material from the first minute of class.
Especially in this time of high stress and anxiety take the time to show your children that you care and that you love them. When they are doing school work, find positive things they are doing to reinforce their work and their knowledge of how much you love them. You can never tell a child to many times that they are wonderful, special, and important to you.
We miss our students; I can’t even tell express to you how much I miss my students. It’s only been a week, but I wasn’t prepared to be away from them, and I had no idea for how long. I try not to think about it too much, because it hurts. It’s something I feel deep in my heart.
We care for your children deeply, and the most important thing you can do to help us do our job as teachers is not to make sure that the math worksheet done. The most important thing you can do as partners in your child’s education is to show them that you love them, and tell them every day how special they are to you and how much meaning they bring to your life and to all the people who care for them.
Parents, we will see you on the other side of this, and we are looking forward to being with children again.
Monday, March 16, 2020
Parenthood: Week 362 – Parenting In The Time Of COVID-19
The original plan was to do a multi-part series of posts unpacking how I became a feminist and how this paradigm informed my parenting, but that’s going to have to wait…
It all happened so fast.
I saw it coming. My brother, his family and my parents are in Seattle, so I’ve been following the news, and my school has been making plans for the possibility of closing. The feeling in the air went from this being a possibility earlier in the week to becoming a feeling that this would happen any day.
And then it did.
Thursday night my school and my son’s school called off school. A couple days the later the whole state followed suit. This was quickly followed by closing restaurants to dining in and limiting gatherings.
Even though I still don’t have a solid sense on how I’m going to do “distance learning,” (my school gave us a week to prep, basically making this week break), I didn’t conceptualize until late last week what was really upon me as a parent.
Parents across the world are entering a sudden and dramatic change in their role as parents. We are dealing with children not attending school in person, activities and clubs no longer meeting, libraries, movies theaters, and museums closing, and an important recommendation to limit play-dates. We have to embrace what we have avoided, putting our children in front of screens more than we would like, and many of us have to figure out how to work from home, how to help our children learn remotely, and do these things all at the same time.
We are also doing all of this right now, with little acknowledgement, and hustling to make all of this work. We don’t have any guidebooks, or models on how to do this. Our parents never faced anything like this. We are truly in uncharted territory.
I told my 8th graders that however they are processes these events is okay. If you are angry that’s fine, if you are scared that’s okay, and if you are feeling nothing, that’s also okay. Right now intellectually I get why this is a scary situation, but right now I’m feeling pretty calm about this whole crisis. I’m not trying to gaslight y’all and tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling scared, I’m honestly just not in that head space. I most likely will be at some point but right now, I’m pretty calm.
The last couple days, I’ve done a lot of cooking, and of course playing with and hanging out with my children. Ethan, Ollie, Lucas, and Buffy demand to be taken care of in different ways. We can’t not actively work to care for them, so they’ve been keeping busy and focused and for that I’m really grateful. One of the best ways to feel better about your day is to do things for others, and it’s very satisfying going to bed at night and knowing that I did my job and that my children were fed, cared for, and loved throughout the day.
The coming weeks are going to be hard, and there were definitely things about the past couple days that were very challenging. However, there were many moments of peace, and happiness: Ollie beating me at chess (when I was really trying to win), Ethan falling asleep in my arms, and Lucas giggling as I talked to him.
Kant wrote, that there are three rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. My children are all three of these things.
There’s a ton more to unpack about all that has happened, and all that will happen for us as parents. There will be time enough for that. For now, it's time to wind down and get ready for a new, but not quite normal.
It all happened so fast.
I saw it coming. My brother, his family and my parents are in Seattle, so I’ve been following the news, and my school has been making plans for the possibility of closing. The feeling in the air went from this being a possibility earlier in the week to becoming a feeling that this would happen any day.
And then it did.
Thursday night my school and my son’s school called off school. A couple days the later the whole state followed suit. This was quickly followed by closing restaurants to dining in and limiting gatherings.
Even though I still don’t have a solid sense on how I’m going to do “distance learning,” (my school gave us a week to prep, basically making this week break), I didn’t conceptualize until late last week what was really upon me as a parent.
Parents across the world are entering a sudden and dramatic change in their role as parents. We are dealing with children not attending school in person, activities and clubs no longer meeting, libraries, movies theaters, and museums closing, and an important recommendation to limit play-dates. We have to embrace what we have avoided, putting our children in front of screens more than we would like, and many of us have to figure out how to work from home, how to help our children learn remotely, and do these things all at the same time.
We are also doing all of this right now, with little acknowledgement, and hustling to make all of this work. We don’t have any guidebooks, or models on how to do this. Our parents never faced anything like this. We are truly in uncharted territory.
I told my 8th graders that however they are processes these events is okay. If you are angry that’s fine, if you are scared that’s okay, and if you are feeling nothing, that’s also okay. Right now intellectually I get why this is a scary situation, but right now I’m feeling pretty calm about this whole crisis. I’m not trying to gaslight y’all and tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling scared, I’m honestly just not in that head space. I most likely will be at some point but right now, I’m pretty calm.
The last couple days, I’ve done a lot of cooking, and of course playing with and hanging out with my children. Ethan, Ollie, Lucas, and Buffy demand to be taken care of in different ways. We can’t not actively work to care for them, so they’ve been keeping busy and focused and for that I’m really grateful. One of the best ways to feel better about your day is to do things for others, and it’s very satisfying going to bed at night and knowing that I did my job and that my children were fed, cared for, and loved throughout the day.
The coming weeks are going to be hard, and there were definitely things about the past couple days that were very challenging. However, there were many moments of peace, and happiness: Ollie beating me at chess (when I was really trying to win), Ethan falling asleep in my arms, and Lucas giggling as I talked to him.
Kant wrote, that there are three rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. My children are all three of these things.
There’s a ton more to unpack about all that has happened, and all that will happen for us as parents. There will be time enough for that. For now, it's time to wind down and get ready for a new, but not quite normal.
Friday, March 13, 2020
Year 10: Week 25 – Moments of Teaching In The Time Of COVID-19
This has been one of the most challenging, anxiety-filled weeks of teaching. My school has an amazing administration which was been planning for a possible school shutdown for at least the past two weeks, maybe even longer. We have two amazing nurses who have provided great council to our whole school during this crisis.
As the “president” has over, and over has demonstrated gross incompetence, which has led to this crisis escalating and unnecessary stress, it has added a layer of difficulty to being a teacher.
There was a feeling in the school that we would close sometime this week as many other schools around us were announcing closures. We got the official word on Thursday evening that we would close Monday, and today, Friday was our last day for at least two weeks, maybe more.
Here are the moment memorable moments of the week:
The Hallways
We have wonderful norms at my school. One of these norms is that adults in the building look at each other in the eye when they greet them and ask how they are doing. Sometimes this is a rhetorical question but most times it is not.
Today, I was asked by a colleague how I was doing maybe a two dozen times. And every single time, neither of us said "fine." There was humor as one person joked, “preparing for the apocalypse.” “Tired” was a common response and so were “ok,” “not sure,” and “well, just taking it one hour at a time.”
In all of these interactions, there was an effort to connect, real empathy. People spent longer than normal in these greetings. It’s a week of many emotions sometimes felt all at the same time, and it was nice in every greeting to know that I was not alone in my feelings.
Rocket Man
After Wednesday, a frustrating day of teaching, I decided that my focus for the rest of the week in music class was to help my students feel joy and to have a good time. They were filled with anxiety just like me, and needed music to help them find joy in their lives. I’ve been doing a unit of songs about space with my 3rd graders. I figured my 5th graders may enjoy some of this work, so I had them sing “Rocket Man” by Elton John. Unlike my 3rd graders most of my 5th graders knew this song, and were very excited to sing it.
We worked through the first verse and the chorus, and then I asked for a volunteer to give me a short sentence summary of this song. Confidently, she raised her hand and explained:
This song is about feeling alone, and the world not understanding who you are. Maybe Elton John was feeling this as someone who was Gay. He probably didn’t feel he fit in, so maybe this song is about that.I was stunned. I was expected literally explanation. I’ve known this song my entire life and I never thought about how it connected to Elton John’s identity development and feelings of isolation and misunderstanding in my own life.
We have a lot to learn from our 5th graders.
Mika
I love this sketch:
When I was trying to figure out what I wanted my students’ last impression and memory of me before leaving for this extended break, this sketch came to mind. After listening to this way too much and falling in love Mika’s wonderfully joyous masterpiece, I knew I had my activity.
I choreographed a circle dance on the way to work, and I taught it to my all of my 3rd graders and 5th graders and even started 6th grade band class with this dance.
My apologies to the parents of my students who will now have to listen to this song for the next two weeks. It may get annoying but know that your children had a blast with me during out last class together, dancing, and laughing as a classroom community.
Saying Goodbye To 8th Grade Band
How I ended 8th grade band...
All of these things that this school has cancelled and the fact that we won't be together next week and the week after, are expressions of our care and love for all of you. Our most important priority as a school continues to be your health and safety, and know that any decision we make is because we care for you deeply.
Please take care of yourselves. Read a book, or listen to your favorite song, engage in activities that bring you joy. Be patient with your parents, and let them hug you if they want. It's a weird time for them to, and they could use your cooperation. Don't give them a hard time, they are doing the best they can.
Emmaul Kant wrote that there are three rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. Know that you bring purpose and meaning to the adult's live in this building, this job that we do is a privilege, and a joy. Know that you are cared for and loved for in this school, and know that your spirit and optimism inspires hope for the future in all of us. In these ways, you bring happiness into all of our lives.
Find some happiness in your time away from school.
I'm going to miss you, please take care of yourselves.
Monday, March 9, 2020
Parenthood: Week 361 – Feminist Father, Part 1
Parents make choices based on values, and these values are defined by a philosophy. For example, if your philosophy of parenting is that children should have an active voice in their lives, and then one of your values is self-advocacy. So, when you are trying to decide whether to just give your child food or ask them what they want to eat, your values make that decision easy and you let them have a voice in what they are eating.
Parenting philosophy is informed by many different things. There’s tradition, religion, culture, and family. Most of all parenting philosophy is an expression of our own lived philosophy in life. If you believe that competition is the best way to define success, then you will most likely define your children’s success through competition.
This is one of the reasons that it’s so critical that parents do some serious self-reflection before they have children and while they have children. Unpacking all that is inside of us is really important, because the things left not examined inside of us, we will see in the way we parent. Sometimes it’s a pleasant surprise, but it’s often that feeling that comes when you say something you regret to your children in a moment of frustration and you hear your parents in your words…and not in a good way.
A cornerstone of my lived philosophy and my approach to parenting to feminism. In the past week with Senator Warren dropping out of the primary election and International Women’s Day yesterday, I’ve been thinking a lot about women.
I have three sons. Three cis-gendered boys. Before Ollie was born, I wasn’t sure what I’d do with a son. Because for the longest time I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Accepted and typical expressions of masculinity my entire life made me feel less than, left out, and alone. I wasn’t strong at sports; I didn’t share most of the same interests as boys around me. I was more interested in playing music and creating story-lines with my actions figures than throwing a ball. I loved talking about stuff, and chatting. Most boys I met simply didn’t seem that into really talking about stuff.
I tried to be more “manly,” oh I tried. At some point I put a poster up in my room of the all the NFL team’s logos on different football helmets, even though I had zero interest in watching a football game. After some time, that poster was replaced by a Little Mermaid poster, which for a couple years was my favorite film.
One time at a toy store instead of buying a super hero action figure (this was before super heroes were mainstream), I chose to buy a team set of Seattle Mariners baseball cards. I looked through them once, tried to pretend I was interested to my parents and put them in a drawer. They collected dust along with that Mariner baseball cap, I never wore and a baseball glove my parents bought for me that I never used, except as a fetching hat.
The one place masculinity made sense to me was in music. I got deep into rap music, pop music, and rock music. While some other guys would be impressed that I had rap verses memorized, they didn’t care or were interested in talking and thinking about these songs beyond the swear words. I thought about music so deeply and looked in these lyrics to understand relationships, race, culture, and history. I may have listened to music that other boys did, but most of the guys I knew didn’t hear this music the way I did.
Where I found acceptance, and love outside of my family was in friends in my life who almost all girls...
Parenting philosophy is informed by many different things. There’s tradition, religion, culture, and family. Most of all parenting philosophy is an expression of our own lived philosophy in life. If you believe that competition is the best way to define success, then you will most likely define your children’s success through competition.
This is one of the reasons that it’s so critical that parents do some serious self-reflection before they have children and while they have children. Unpacking all that is inside of us is really important, because the things left not examined inside of us, we will see in the way we parent. Sometimes it’s a pleasant surprise, but it’s often that feeling that comes when you say something you regret to your children in a moment of frustration and you hear your parents in your words…and not in a good way.
A cornerstone of my lived philosophy and my approach to parenting to feminism. In the past week with Senator Warren dropping out of the primary election and International Women’s Day yesterday, I’ve been thinking a lot about women.
I have three sons. Three cis-gendered boys. Before Ollie was born, I wasn’t sure what I’d do with a son. Because for the longest time I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Accepted and typical expressions of masculinity my entire life made me feel less than, left out, and alone. I wasn’t strong at sports; I didn’t share most of the same interests as boys around me. I was more interested in playing music and creating story-lines with my actions figures than throwing a ball. I loved talking about stuff, and chatting. Most boys I met simply didn’t seem that into really talking about stuff.
I tried to be more “manly,” oh I tried. At some point I put a poster up in my room of the all the NFL team’s logos on different football helmets, even though I had zero interest in watching a football game. After some time, that poster was replaced by a Little Mermaid poster, which for a couple years was my favorite film.
One time at a toy store instead of buying a super hero action figure (this was before super heroes were mainstream), I chose to buy a team set of Seattle Mariners baseball cards. I looked through them once, tried to pretend I was interested to my parents and put them in a drawer. They collected dust along with that Mariner baseball cap, I never wore and a baseball glove my parents bought for me that I never used, except as a fetching hat.
The one place masculinity made sense to me was in music. I got deep into rap music, pop music, and rock music. While some other guys would be impressed that I had rap verses memorized, they didn’t care or were interested in talking and thinking about these songs beyond the swear words. I thought about music so deeply and looked in these lyrics to understand relationships, race, culture, and history. I may have listened to music that other boys did, but most of the guys I knew didn’t hear this music the way I did.
Where I found acceptance, and love outside of my family was in friends in my life who almost all girls...
Friday, March 6, 2020
Year 10: Week 24 – 3/5/20
At around 4:45am, I heard Ethan calling for me.
As the volume of his voice grew louder, I forced myself out of bed with growing urgency. I had to get him out of his room, which is next door to our room. If he got to a full scream, he might get up Lucas.
I got about five hours of sleep. This wasn’t that abnormal. Ethan has been getting up earlier and earlier. The previous night Diana and I had been up late talking about her and what she meant to us.
I got ready for work with Ethan nearby. Sometimes he would whine for me to hold him, but this morning, he did find some things to play with, while he ate a snack of milk, and animal crackers outside the bathroom.
She was on my mind all morning.
I got ready to go and got Ethan breakfast. As I got Ethan fed, Ollie came downstairs and made him breakfast. I said goodbye to them as they ate, and then went upstairs to kiss Diana and Lucas goodbye. Lastly I pulled Buffy close to me as I left the house and kissed her forehead.
After my first class, Diana texted me:
We texted back and forth, speculating about when and if she was going to give a speech. Then I put my phone down, and went to teach my first class. Later that morning as I was prepping for my next class I got this text:
I printed out this message, and put the sheets face down on my desk, and heeding Diana’s warning, I went to my next class.
I did the best I could to focus on my class. It was 5th grade, and they did pretty well. There was some disruptive behavior, but I didn’t really have it in my to really let them have it so I acknowledged some of the silliness with a smile, which got some of it to stop. Other things, I simply let go. It was just not going to be one of those days. I had observers in the class, so for my sake and their own, I focused on enjoying my time with my students and for a moment, she left my mind.
After class I heated up my lunch and turned the sheets over and started to read. I was not alone in my shared office so I stopped after the first sentence, grabbed a tissue paper box and settled down in one of the small practice rooms.
I can’t remember the last time I cried reading something on a page. It’s happened before, and it’ll happen again, but it doesn’t happen very often. Some sentences I read very slowly trying to imagine her voice speaking to me. Other parts I reread over and over, trying to find the courage to feel deeper all that these words were bringing out Mytears were accompanied by emotions not logically combined: pride, sadness, love, loss, anger, and hope.
As I put the sheets down, I felt the silence of the room, and felt a return to this place, to this time, to this duty that I had to teach, as if her words had taken me to another place.
A short time later I found myself standing in front of thirty-five of my favorite musicians, my 6th grade band. Then I started class.
As the volume of his voice grew louder, I forced myself out of bed with growing urgency. I had to get him out of his room, which is next door to our room. If he got to a full scream, he might get up Lucas.
I got about five hours of sleep. This wasn’t that abnormal. Ethan has been getting up earlier and earlier. The previous night Diana and I had been up late talking about her and what she meant to us.
I got ready for work with Ethan nearby. Sometimes he would whine for me to hold him, but this morning, he did find some things to play with, while he ate a snack of milk, and animal crackers outside the bathroom.
She was on my mind all morning.
I got ready to go and got Ethan breakfast. As I got Ethan fed, Ollie came downstairs and made him breakfast. I said goodbye to them as they ate, and then went upstairs to kiss Diana and Lucas goodbye. Lastly I pulled Buffy close to me as I left the house and kissed her forehead.
After my first class, Diana texted me:
We texted back and forth, speculating about when and if she was going to give a speech. Then I put my phone down, and went to teach my first class. Later that morning as I was prepping for my next class I got this text:
I printed out this message, and put the sheets face down on my desk, and heeding Diana’s warning, I went to my next class.
I did the best I could to focus on my class. It was 5th grade, and they did pretty well. There was some disruptive behavior, but I didn’t really have it in my to really let them have it so I acknowledged some of the silliness with a smile, which got some of it to stop. Other things, I simply let go. It was just not going to be one of those days. I had observers in the class, so for my sake and their own, I focused on enjoying my time with my students and for a moment, she left my mind.
After class I heated up my lunch and turned the sheets over and started to read. I was not alone in my shared office so I stopped after the first sentence, grabbed a tissue paper box and settled down in one of the small practice rooms.
I can’t remember the last time I cried reading something on a page. It’s happened before, and it’ll happen again, but it doesn’t happen very often. Some sentences I read very slowly trying to imagine her voice speaking to me. Other parts I reread over and over, trying to find the courage to feel deeper all that these words were bringing out Mytears were accompanied by emotions not logically combined: pride, sadness, love, loss, anger, and hope.
As I put the sheets down, I felt the silence of the room, and felt a return to this place, to this time, to this duty that I had to teach, as if her words had taken me to another place.
A short time later I found myself standing in front of thirty-five of my favorite musicians, my 6th grade band. Then I started class.
Hello, everyone, I’m really happy to be here. I want to tell something that I think some of you implicitly understand but what I want you to know is important enough for you to here from me explicitly.
I am privileged. I can walk down the street, easily without thought. Many people cannot. I have so many benefits in my life because my parents worked so hard when they came to America.
That’s privilege. I’m lucky.
I don’t have to be here. This job isn’t forced upon me. I choose to work here, and I chose to come here every day, because it is wonderful to teach all of you. I get to help you create wonderful music. I get to do that, and that’s a wonderful feeling.
I want to share a thought with you I read today. What we are doing in this room is right and it’s good. It’s righteous. We are creating beauty through music in the world that helps humans better understand each other and what it means to be human. And because what we do is righteous, when things get tough, we persist, because we know what we are doing is worth the effort. If you are doing something righteous, you don’t get up, you keep at it.
Let’s start, instruments up with me, and here we go...
Monday, March 2, 2020
Parenthood: Week 360 – The New Normal 3/2/20
Lucas has been in our lives for about three months, but it feels like he’s always been with us.
It’s incredible how quickly we have adjusted the new normal of having Lucas in our lives. Routines have clicked into place without much discussion. Each day has its challenges, there’s way too much to do, and we are tired. However, it all feels like the continuation of a story, a new chapter for sure, but not a new book.
Lucas is no longer a newborn. This scrunched up little one who displayed little awareness of the outside world, is now making eye contact, reaching out to touch things, trying to turn, over, and yes, smiling. It’s just in the past couple days that he has been smiling consistently. All of the milestones are great, but smiling is one of my favorites.
Ethan was a more dramatic baby than Lucas, and Ethan is also a more dramatic toddler than Ollie was when he was younger. Lucas has the most "skeptical baby face" out of my three boys, but that is beginning to melt more into a silly smile. Like Ollie he holds his hands tight, and is very observant and interested in the world. I look forward to seeing how his personality evolves other years.
I’m very proud of how Ethan and Ollie have transitioned into having a baby brother. Both of them make an effort to say "hello" to Lucas and try to play with him. Both of them will gently touch Lucas’ head when he is relaxed, and Ollie will often dance around and sing for Lucas. They are both affectionate and give Lucas kisses. We just have to be careful when Ethan hugs Lucas, because, well, Ethan can be very insistent about hugs.
Ethan and Ollie don’t seem to be jealous of Lucas. Ethan will sometimes ask or insist on a hug when one of us is holding Lucas. The thing is that Ethan was doing this before Lucas was born. Ethan is very assertive about his desire for hugs, regardless of the time of day, even at 4am.
Ollie has been very patient when we ask him to wait while we take care of Lucas. A new baby brother means that Ollie sometimes has to wait for one of us to play chess with us, listen to Diana reading to him over Lucas’ cries, and deal with me and Diana more sleep deprived, and sometimes less patience than we’d like to be. Yes, he has his moments and his struggles, but more often than not he’s doing a fantastic job as an older brother. Ollie is very kind to his brothers and while I like to think it has to do with the example that we are setting, a lot of this has to do with the fact that Ollie deep down inside is a very generous, gentle, and kind person.
Buffy is doing a great job with Lucas. She keeps an eye on him, and makes sure that he’s never alone in the house. I’m sure her calm presence helps him relax as it does for all of us. Ethan is very into Buffy’s food right now. He likes to sit next to her bowl as she eats and claims that he’s “just watching.” In reality he’s trying to eat Buffy’s kibble and pour the water into the food dish. On a recent walk, Ollie was taking great pride in teaching a friend how to play with Buffy. It was a lovely reminder how Ollie feels responsibility for Buffy as his pet but more as his sister.
Lucas is wonderful, and he continues to enrich all of our lives. We are all better because he is in our family, and I feel blessed to have him in my life.
It’s incredible how quickly we have adjusted the new normal of having Lucas in our lives. Routines have clicked into place without much discussion. Each day has its challenges, there’s way too much to do, and we are tired. However, it all feels like the continuation of a story, a new chapter for sure, but not a new book.
Lucas is no longer a newborn. This scrunched up little one who displayed little awareness of the outside world, is now making eye contact, reaching out to touch things, trying to turn, over, and yes, smiling. It’s just in the past couple days that he has been smiling consistently. All of the milestones are great, but smiling is one of my favorites.
Ethan was a more dramatic baby than Lucas, and Ethan is also a more dramatic toddler than Ollie was when he was younger. Lucas has the most "skeptical baby face" out of my three boys, but that is beginning to melt more into a silly smile. Like Ollie he holds his hands tight, and is very observant and interested in the world. I look forward to seeing how his personality evolves other years.
I’m very proud of how Ethan and Ollie have transitioned into having a baby brother. Both of them make an effort to say "hello" to Lucas and try to play with him. Both of them will gently touch Lucas’ head when he is relaxed, and Ollie will often dance around and sing for Lucas. They are both affectionate and give Lucas kisses. We just have to be careful when Ethan hugs Lucas, because, well, Ethan can be very insistent about hugs.
Ethan and Ollie don’t seem to be jealous of Lucas. Ethan will sometimes ask or insist on a hug when one of us is holding Lucas. The thing is that Ethan was doing this before Lucas was born. Ethan is very assertive about his desire for hugs, regardless of the time of day, even at 4am.
Ollie has been very patient when we ask him to wait while we take care of Lucas. A new baby brother means that Ollie sometimes has to wait for one of us to play chess with us, listen to Diana reading to him over Lucas’ cries, and deal with me and Diana more sleep deprived, and sometimes less patience than we’d like to be. Yes, he has his moments and his struggles, but more often than not he’s doing a fantastic job as an older brother. Ollie is very kind to his brothers and while I like to think it has to do with the example that we are setting, a lot of this has to do with the fact that Ollie deep down inside is a very generous, gentle, and kind person.
Buffy is doing a great job with Lucas. She keeps an eye on him, and makes sure that he’s never alone in the house. I’m sure her calm presence helps him relax as it does for all of us. Ethan is very into Buffy’s food right now. He likes to sit next to her bowl as she eats and claims that he’s “just watching.” In reality he’s trying to eat Buffy’s kibble and pour the water into the food dish. On a recent walk, Ollie was taking great pride in teaching a friend how to play with Buffy. It was a lovely reminder how Ollie feels responsibility for Buffy as his pet but more as his sister.
Lucas is wonderful, and he continues to enrich all of our lives. We are all better because he is in our family, and I feel blessed to have him in my life.
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