Parenthood: Week 351 - Siblings, Not Rivals

Very few people chose their siblings, or chose to have siblings. Ollie didn’t get much of a say on whether he was going to have a brother, and when we told the boys about Lucas, well, it was news more than an invitation for feedback.

It makes sense when siblings don’t get along. Just because two people are part of the same family does not mean that they click. Parents can do all of the same things and the individual personalities of their children can click and become friends, but often it doesn’t work out that way.

It is a wonderful thing when siblings do get along. My brother understands facets of my life experience better than anyone else. Growing up together he shared formative experiences with me. We share an understanding of my parents that no one else does and except for my parents, he’s the only person that has been with me my entire life. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. I’m proud to say that we've had more ups, and I am grateful that he is my brother and a good friend.

My three sons have their ups and downs. I’m proud to say that there have been, and continue to be more ups. Yes, Ollie and Ethan have their moments. Usually one of them isn’t being polite, taking a toy without asking, or one of them is disrupting the other’s play (e.g. messing up a Lego model). Using words in moments of emotion is a place that both of them need to work on, and right now these disputes are a feature in their relationship.

The screams, and the tears related to Ollie and Ethan’s disagreements seem to fill the house and sap my energy but for the vast majority of the time, their interactions are positive. Ethan adores Ollie and will often just sit and watch Ollie’s "performances" and laugh in delight. Ollie tries to play with Ethan often and wants to include him in his reindeer games. Earlier today we were playing hide and seek and Ethan did not understand the game at all. Ollie found this charming and he tried really hard to help Ethan play the game with us.

I often overlook the moments when they are playing well together because these are the calm times when they are at peace that I can get chores done around the house or cook a meal. While I want them to see their positive interactions as a norm in our house, I do feel that its important that I take a moment to point out to them how great they are playing together and enjoy these times as a parent.

Ollie has to wait a little bit longer for me and Diana’s attention because of Lucas, but Ollie doesn’t seem to mind, and if he is resentful, he isn’t expressing these feelings to Lucas. He displays patience as Diana reads to him at night while holding Lucas in his arms, which sometimes means that bed time story has interruptions.

Ethan adores Lucas and wants to interact with him. He likes to point out body parts on Lucas (something he is learning about right now), and he gives very sweet kisses to Lucas when he sees us kiss him.

Ethan is very much into cuddling and being held right now. He gets frustrated when I don’t pick him up when he wants to be held. The thing is that even if Lucas wasn’t around, we’d still be having these moments. I can’t hold Ethan all of the time and sometimes he scratches my neck when I hold him, which is annoying and painful at times. So when he does this, I put him down.

I was worried that Ethan would get jealous that he would have to share cuddles with Lucas, but it seems to have worked out so far pretty well. Ethan is find cuddling on one side of while Lucas is on the other side. Maybe at some point, Ethan will get annoyed at this arrangement but right now we are doing okay.

I don’t really have a plan on how to help my children develop positive sibling relationships. All I got right now is modeling kindness and respect, validating feelings (even the “bad” ones like frustrations), helping them have space from each other, and guiding them through tough situations.

My children never asked for siblings, but it's what they got.  It's going to be a journey helping them navigate these relationships, but it will be filled with love and I truly do believe we are all better because of each other, because I know that I am because of all three of my children.  

Top Ten of 2019: Part 3 - New Voices

6. Brittany Packnett 

Diana introduced me to “Pod Save America,” one of the best political podcast, and “Pod Save American” introduced me to Brittany Packnett, one of the most interesting voices I encoutered in 2019. 



I accompanied Diana to a live taping of “Pod Save America.” I had heard this podcast in passing but I had never really listened to this podcast closley. The live taping It was a wonderful experience. The theater in downtown Chicago was filled with people, united in fandom, and also sharing something else  much more important: a belief in the Democratic progressive values that stood in resistance to the sexist, racist, homophobic, and xenophobic administration, dedicated to maintaining power in the white patriarchy at all costs.

The men of Pod Save America, aware of their positionality, invited Brittany Packnett to join them on stage and she stole the show for me. Yes, the Jon Favreau, Daniel Pfeiffer, Jon Lovett, and Tommy Vietor were hilarious and informative (fueld by Jeppson's Malört_, however it was Packnett who interpreted the news and events in a way that got me to the edge of my seat. One of the main topics in the news that week was abortion. Being exemplary feminists the white men on stage gave Packnett the time and the space to explain the intersectionality between women’s reproduction rights, race, and class.

Ever since this event, I’ve been listening to Pod Save America, and they have provided me with essential insights and analysis of the politics in our country. I’m so grateful to them for their work, and I’m so grateful for them introducing me to Packnett. I now follow her as well, and her work continues to inspire, motivate me, and makes me excited and proud to share in her work to make this a more perfect, equitable, and anti-racist country.


5. Yola

I can’t get over the greatness that is Yola.

Her album Walk Through Fire is one of the greatest albums of the year, and one of the greatest albums of all time. Yola, is British, unapologetically Black vocalist and song writer with incredible vocal technique and expression. 

If all Yola did was record some of the greatest country songs of the year like “Ride Out To The Country,” and remind America of the essential and often over-looked influence of Black artist in country, she would have made this list.



However, she did so much more on this album.  “Shady Grove” is an incredible throw-back to 1960s pop music.



“Lonely The Night,” is one of the greatest Springsteen songs he never written or performed (Springsteen could never perform this song because of it’s enormous vocal range).



AND her cover of “Goodnight Yellow Brick Road” is breathtaking.



On top of all of this, her portrayal of a Freedom Rider in “The Highwomen” is one of the most emotional and powerful moments of the year.



Yola is is everything that is right with music, an artist who embraces the facets of her identity and her musical history, while making her own mark.  Her music converses with music of the past while saying something new relevant and essential. 

I don't think I will ever get over Yola, and this makes me feel so inspired.

Top Ten of 2019: Part 2 - Identity

8. Andrew Solomon

There are a couple books that have changed the way that I view my life and the human condition. These books include: The Grapes Of Wrath, The Rise and Fall of The Third Reich, The Warmth Of Other Sons, and Andrew Solomon’s essential book on parenting and identity, Far From The Tree.

Solomon writes in Far From The Tree, about a feature of parenting that many people see as a flaw in children. Many of us share vertical identity with our children. For example, Ollie is a cis-gendered male, so am I. However we do not share racial identity, which Solomon defines as horizontal identity. I am Asian-American, and Ollie is bi-racial, or multi-racial. This and other facets of Ollie’s identity that I do not share with Ollie is important to notes. I do not have the lived experiences with this facets Ollie's identity, which means that I am ill-equipped to help Ollie work through this part of this identity development.

Far From The Tree takes this idea and applies it to parents who do not share facets of their children identity, included children who are disabled, have special needs, suffer from mental illness, and are criminals.

This book is filled with stories of struggles, tragedies, and triumphs. It is a book that reveals the reality of parenting for many people in our society and forces us to ask difficult questions about what it means to be a parent. He interviews the parents of one of the shooters at the Columbine Massacre, and parents who spend their elderly years caring for their children with disabilities who are unable to care for themselves.

In all of these stories, and in all of these struggles, these parents  are resilient and admirable in their commitment to their children. As hard as their lives have become because of their children, they do not regret having these children in their lives regardless of the consequences.

Yes, this book was published in 2013, but it was this part year that I read this book, and 976 pages of this work spanned most of the year. So that’s why I’m putting it on a list of important influences for 2019.

Far From The Tree shows us what parenting is really like in America and how the flaws in children, really are features in experience of parenthood. It’s an essential primer for anyone who is interested in being a parent. For those who are parents it provides forgiveness for  feelings of frustration. More importantly, it helps us understand the journey of parenting, that for many is all-encompassing, more difficult than not, and for many the most meaningful part of life.

7. Ali Stroker

Oklahoma is a very problematic musical. It’s based on a play Green Grow The Lilacs which is about settlers in the area we know now as the state Oklahoma. The original play had characters that were Native Americans. These roles were cut from the musical, which only romanticized further imperialistic western expansion, and exploitative attitude of American settlers. This is a very white musical, that continues myths of the western expansion that ignores America’s crimes and atrocities.

Then there's that song, "I Cain't Say No."  Most of the time this song didn’t do the character who sang it. I always get feeling that it’s a girl who is flirty and lacked intelligence. Saying that she can’t say no in this song is not flattering.


Ali Stroker changed all of this with her interpretation. Her confidence and bravado transforms this song into a Declaration of Independence. Stroker makes this song more about owning sexuality than being easily-manipulated by men. Her version is humorous, powerful, and vocally astonishing. And she sings better than anyone has ever sang it in this musical's almost 75 year history.

And she did this all sitting down.

The producers and directors of this new revival of Oklahoma made the admirable, brave and important decision to hire for diversity and the highest level of musical achievement. They cast at Ali Stroker in this play considering her talent in her work more than her disability. They didn’t change her character to explain why she was in her wheelchair, instead they added ramps, changed the choreography and made this facet of her identity. They don’t hide the wheelchair but they didn't’t feel a need to make the show abut this character having a disability...and it works.

And another awesome thing about this show is at the main female protagonist, played by Rebecca Naomi Jones, who is traditionally played by white actress played by black woman. During the Tony awards performance when she sings and yells right in the face and the male protagonist it feels wonderful. It’s like a glorious exclamation back through generations filled with confidence and power.  She is saying in that moment,  "I am here and no one  can take this away from me, because it is mine."

Sometimes we have conversations about what we do with art that is not diverse, and that has racist themes. Sometimes it's best to bury that work and forget about it. However, sometimes we can do do more and fix a show.  The new production of Oklahoma featuring showed all of us that with imagination a deeper sense of humanity we can transform the most white and exclusive piece of art into a celebration of diversity.

Parenthood: Week 350 – Ollie's Gift

How do you recover from a rough night? How do you work through frustration, lack of sleep, and face the day with optimism?

My plan was to cook, Ollie had another idea.

Last night was another rough night. Yes, we have a newborn at home, but that wasn’t the big issue. Yes, Lucas has to eat during the night and he needs help falling asleep.  The bigger issue was Ethan. He has had a cold the last couple days, and thankfully, he is doing much better now. The cold symptoms were worse during the night so he has been up in the middle of the night for the past couple days.

I’ve been able to comfort him, and help him get back to sleep most of the nights that he was sick, but last night my efforts were not working. Ethan got up around 3am, and even though I was able to get him him to calm down at times, he didn’t fully settle and continued to fuss and cry for a good part of the next hour.

Ethan woke up the entire household.  Ollie is a great sleeper and most of the time that Ethan has woken Ollie up in the middle of the night. So, I was surprised to see Ollie enter the room and ask if Ethan was okay.  I told Ollie that Ethan was okay and that he should try to go back to sleep.

Diana eventually got Ethan back to sleep. There was half an hour of peace and then Lucas got up, so there wasn’t really any solid sleep for me after 3am.

Ollie was the first up, and I eventually followed him. My plan was to make tea for myself and cook. Yes, I was tired, and yes, part of me was annoyed that Ethan kept me up a lot of the night. However, I knew that Ethan wasn’t doing this on purpose and that he didn’t do anything wrong.

To work through these feelings I decided to make a really good breakfast. I wanted to do something for Ethan to show him that I loved him despite the loss of sleep that he caused. Also, I knew that the only hope I had of getting through the day was with a good breakfast.

I didn’t get a chance to ask Ollie about how he felt about Ethan waking him up in the early morning. I was too busy stuck inside of my own head. It was Ollie who showed me how through his actions how he felt about Ethan the night before.

As I was cooking breakfast, Ollie with an empty cookie tin in hand, moved around the house with a purpose. I asked him what he was doing. “I’m putting toys in here for a Christmas present for Ethan.”

Ollie spent time looking through his toys, picking out things that he wanted to give to Ethan. He carefully wrote Ethan a note, and taped it on the top of the tin. As he ate breakfast, he told me that he was excited to give Ethan his gift.

I would have understood if Ollie was annoyed with Ethan, or was cranky because of lack of sleep.  Ollie was none of these things.  All he wanted to do was to make sure that Ethan had a happy morning after a rough night. 

Ollie reminded me how we should take care of each other in our family, and that the best way to work through our feelings is to do for others. 

Top Ten of 2019: Part 1 - Boss Time

Last year, I felt the year through important people, but 2019 felt different.  Individuals stepped up, stepped out, and inspired me as true heroes.  Here's my top 10 people of the year:

10.  Megan Rapinoe

Megan Rapinoe is a mirror.



How people react to her success is revealing.  The people who criticized her for celebrating after her goals, who didn’t apply the same standards revealed their sexism. Those who tried to argue against her efforts to get equitable pay, showed how much do not understand the presence and effects of systems of oppression in our society. Those who don’t like the fact that she’s “political,” are putting on display their vain efforts to justify supporting a president who is corrupt, amoral, racist and sexist.

By sharing with America all that she is, Rapinoe has forced a conversation, given voice to those who were afraid to speak up, and reminded Americans who feel unseen, and are oppressed by others that there are American heroes who look like them and see them.

Rapinoe is an “and.” She is one of the greatest athletes of the year, and she is a great leader, and she is a woman, and she is Gay, and she understands the power and her platform and the influence of her words. She is part of the great American tradition of athletes pushing for justice, and using their power and influence to bring social change to America.

What happens during a match or a game is a result of the best and worst of America. All that we are, and all that we fail to be, are on display when people fall into tribes fighting for a morally inconsequential contest that pits citizens against each other for something is often frivolous, but has the potential to be something so much more. Rapinoe and the US Women's soccer team transformed a game about kicking a ball into a movement of hope, in a society that sees women in sports as far less than they see themselves. 

Megan Rapinoe and the US Women’s Soccer Team has transformed their soccer games into a movement, and a cultural event. For the first time in my life I saw men walking around with the jersey of a female athlete, and the name on that jersey I saw most often was Rapinoe.

Sportsperson of the year? For sure, and an inspiration to me to be bold and love more.

“The feeling of not standing up when I know something is wrong is so much worse than whatever happens if I stand up.”


9.  Bruce Springsteen

Springsteen showed us in 2019 that being a man meant that you were reflective, vulnerable, honest, and hard working.


With his Netflix special Springsteen On Broadway late in 2018, and his album Western Stars, Springsteen used his art and his voice to reveal the struggles of being Bruce Springsteen, giving voice to the insecurities that haunt American men who suffer from damaging ideas masculinity.


Bruce in the 1980s was all man, electric guitar strumming, bicep-bulging, and hard rocking. As the decades past, he showed different facets of himself.  Now entering the seventh decade of his life, Bruce is pushing further into himself, and showing more of who he is, and who he wants to be.

Springsteen On Broadway featured hauntingly beautiful stories and contemplation on life. Profound ideas filled this special like how our choices make us ghosts to our children haunting them, or make us ancestors supporting them. These ideas challenges all of us as men, fathers, and sons, to think deeper about our lives, relationships, and to share more of who we are, not as a flaw, but as a feature of masculinity.

Western Stars, one of his greatest works, continues this journey. The storytelling feel simple, but has layers of depth. Songs that seem to be about one thing change their meaning as ending lyrics transform the story. In the music of Western Stars regret and nostalgia, and sadness and optimism, co-exist.

It’s hard to know what it means to be a man in a more diverse, egalitarian, and inclusive society. Springsteen is showing us the way, and if we listen closely, we will find the parts of us, we do not recognize but we must face. As he teaches, “You can run away from a lot for a little while, but you can’t run away from it all forever, you can’t certainty can’t outrun yourself.” Once like all of us, he saw himself as being “born to run,” and with his help, we can stop running, and take a look in that mirror.

In a world where men continue to flail against progress and express insecurities through harming others, Springsteen showed me a way this year to do the work, honor ourselves, and in the eyes of our fathers and our children see a path forward that brings us all together.

Parenthood: Week 349 – Week 1 of Three

Lucas has been with us a full week. Here are some thoughts…

First off, it feels like Lucas has been with us for a lot longer than a week. Lucas has been in our lives for the better part of a year. No, I couldn’t touch him, and I couldn’t hold him, but I held him in my mind and in my heart for months. This past week doesn’t feel like there is a new life in our lives, but the next step in life like a child going off to college.

Buffy was very interested in Lucas when we first brought him home. As we put the car seat down on the floor, she came up and smelled his head. She moved to the side to greet Diana, and then went back to check in on Lucas. Buffy has been great with Ethan and Ollie as babies. She was never aggressive or overbearing and still tolerates them in ways that I would not.

Ollie never tried to ride Buffy like a horse, however Ethan continues to give this a try every so often. Buffy is fast enough to outrun Ethan at this stage and get away. Instead, she usually just stands there and lets him grab at her torso and try to mount her. In a way she look sad when he does this but if this really bothers her, she would leave, and since she doesn’t, it shows that she is trying in her way to play with him.

I often get Ollie and Ethan’s name mixed up and the addition of Lucas has only made matters worse. I have called Lucas by the wrong name more times than I have called him by his correct name. Sigh, this is going to be a process.

Lucas is wonderful. He smells like happiness and he is wonderfully squishy. His face changes depending how his positioned because his cheeks are so chubby that gravity affects them. If he’s sitting up they drop downwards, which look slightly different than when he’s on his back. Lucas  is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing. He nurses, cries, poos, sleeps, and wakes us up int the middle of the night. Every day his eyes open a little bit wider, and he reaches with his little hands out into the world a little farther.

Ollie is being a great older brother. He greets Lucas and he is interested in holding him, and giving him a bottle. Ollie doesn’t quite know what else to do with Lucas and that’s okay. Most of his life right now isn’t changed dramatically because of Lucas, which I feel is helping with the transition to being part of a larger family.

Ethan is fascinated by Lucas. When Ethan first met Lucas in the hospital he repeatedly pointed at Lucas and said, “baby.” When he went to school the next day he spent the entire day carrying around a baby doll, and telling people that it was a baby. Ethan loves to greet Lucas and likes to touch him. Ethan is a toddler who sometimes hits when he’s trying to touch, but he’s been wonderful with Lucas gently touching him on the head and chest.

I love seeing my parents with my children. They are wonderful with them, and it feels like seeing into a time portal. I imagine that this is how they were with me when I was younger, and it’s a powerful and endearing thing to think about. To see two people, fall so completely in love with Lucas immediately is powerful and amazing. Both of my parents spent long periods of time, almost as long as an hour, holding Lucas and simply looking at him. I don’t know what they were feeling and thinking in these moments, but I know it’s right, it’s beautiful, and it makes me proud to be their son.

Year 10: Week 15 - Paternity Leave

So I didn’t teach last week, and I’m not going to be teaching for about another four weeks.
The original plan was that I would work up until my 3rd child’s due date this past Friday, the baby would come and I would peace out, and my paternity sub would jump in. Lucas didn’t get the memo, so he came last Sunday early in the morning…and I mean EARLY morning. This meant that my paternity leave started four days early.

Friday afternoon I had the feeling that I should tidy up my desk. After I cleared my desk off, I remember pausing for a moment. I had this feeling that I wasn’t going to be back for a while, and then I shook that feeling off and went home.

The week before the baby came was really hard. On top of doing the work that I needed to do to get by day by day, I was furiously trying to plan for being away. That was really difficult, because this past week and next week were two of the trickiest weeks of teaching. Next week is our annual JK-5th grade winter performance, and last week was critical time to prepare for this performance. AND our band concert is right after winter break so this is also a very important time for my 6th grade and my 8th grade band.

The idea of being away and having a paternity substitute jump in right before a performance, prepare for it, and then lead it, is…well, it’s taken a lot of to process all of this.

When we first found out Lucas’ due date, all I could do was laugh. It was a horrible time to be away because I would miss this performance, but it was in a humorous way, the best time to be away because I wouldn’t have to deal with the work and the stress of the winter performance.

Lucas is my third kid so I knew that there was no way I wouldn’t take time. Then my brain moved on to accepting whatever was going to come and prepare the best that I could. I big question mark was my paternity sub. If they were going to be awesome then I could basically aim for the sub to do what I would do, if not, I would have to figure something out that was easier to put together.

At some point in the fall I decided that I was going to plan for the best situation, and plan as if I wasn’t leaving. I could have repeated songs, I could have made simpler arrangements, and I could have pre-taught these songs much earlier in the curriculum, but I didn’t.

I had an idea of who my sub was going to be, and I was really excited for the possibility that he would work with my students when I was away. So, I had him do some things with some of my students as a guest teacher and hoped for the best.

The moment came was he was approved as my sub and I felt a huge wave of relief. We met soon after and went over all of my ideas and plans.

I’ve been busy with my family, however my mind has traveled to what is going on to school. I know I could check it, but I’ve resisted that urge. To honor my family and time with them, I need to stay focused at home, and to respect my paternity sub’s work and give him space to be successful, he needs space, and freedom to make things work.

I'm sad that I'm missing things at school, and I'm also so happy that I have time with my family right now.  It's the right decision to be away from my students, but that doesn't mean that part of me doesn't wish that I could have it all.  And then the night comes.  When I feel the presence of my three sleeping children, Diana, and Buffy, I do feel like I have it all. 

Parenthood: Week 348 – The Experience I Cannot Know

This past Saturday, for the third time in my life, Diana my wife went into labor, which led to the birth of our third son Lucas early Sunday morning.

Witnessing and helping Diana through these experiences of child labor hasn’t changed what I think about women, but it has confirmed ideas that I have, and has led to an evolution in the way that I view our world and the human experience.

I have always believed that women are strong, and in some way stronger than men. However, there is something more to this belief that came to me as I witnessed Diana move through one of the difficult parts of the human experience.

The process of childbirth is one of the most difficult physical, and emotional experiences that a human can go through. And no, painkillers and the option of caesarean section do not create a pain free way of moving through this process. Childbirth is scary and life threatening. Things can go south very quickly for the mother and the child even in the best of situation.

It’s an experience that is central and fundamental to all of our existences, yet most people’s ideas about the business of being born are flawed, full of misunderstandings, and influenced by patriarchal ideas about gender. If every adult intimately understood and experienced in a meaningful way the challenges and plurality of experiences that people go through in child birth, we would have a very different society.

Cis-gendered men like myself can never experience childbirth. It’s something that I can read about and learn about but I can never truly “get.” There’s a limit to my understanding of what it means to be human because I will never be able to experience what it means to bear a child first-hand. Cis-gendered men, can never birth children, and the strength and insights that women gain from this process, I will never be able to attain. There are other experiences that I can have that I can grow from, that can make strong, but not in the same a women can gain strength through childbirth.

Someone can be a great teacher without being a parent. However, not including a person who is a parent in a teaching community is mistake. Not including someone who has experienced childbirth on a board where important decision are being made is absurd. How could you possibly make an important decision in life without consulting the perspective that can only come from someone who has created life?

There is nothing I can compare the strength, courage, and perseverance Diana displayed last weekend, and the last 9 months. Watching her, only a day later taking charge in the hospital getting ready to go home, I was in awe. It takes me a day to recover running a 5K. Diana had been through something far more difficult a day earlier and was already making things happen.

Part of me wishes that I could experience what Diana did with childbirth, but mostly I'm happy that this is something that she has done, that I can sit back and admire.  I love that she has been to a place that I can't go.  I love that she has strength to draw from these experiences, and more than ever in my life, I love her. 

Year 10: Week 14 – Stress

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…kind of.

For music teachers this is often the most stressful time of the year, which is why on your music teacher friend's Facebook pages there are posts and memes about giving music teacher hugs and how much we have aged over the month of December.

On top of the stress of the holiday season and how it takes over music teacher's personal lives, many music teachers have to put on performances right before winter break. For many music teachers it’s not a great time in the arc of the school years since December really isn’t the middle of the school year in many school calendars and depending when you start the school year, it can feel really early to put students on stage.

This leads to many music teachers in the month of December feeling a lot of stress. This week while I’ve been preparing for my paternity leave, which is going to happen over my 3rd and 5th grader’s Winter performance and happening during a critical time for my band students to prepare for their performance after break is no small task. Yes, I have an AMAZING paternity sub lined up, but it’s still a lot to prepare for, and a lot to process. This has been stressful.

The stress that I have, I’ve realized is slightly misplaced, and mostly self-induced and I wonder if this is similar for other music teachers. I have a standard, and a way that I want my students to prepare and to perform. I am pushing myself to that standard. Can my students to one fewer song? Yes, probably, but like most music teachers, I don’t really play it safe. I want to push my students to their full potential, which means I’m taking some chances, doing things, I haven’t done before and putting stress on myself.

There’s also the stress of community and parental expectations, which is mostly through my own perception. Most parents want their children to present in performance as being prepared and enjoying themselves. That’s it, and what we do to raise them to a higher level of musical excellence, which adds a lot of stress on us, is really on us.

The stress that I feel and the worry I am processing, I wonder about. Is this stress based on the work that will truly benefit the students, or is based on my own expectations of my professional work, which many times does benefit the students, but I’m sure on some level is more about me.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to push yourself as a teacher to grow and to do more year to year, but I also feel teachers need to do this in a way that helps students and create opportunities to grow with limited stress.

It’s important that students feel the importance of our work and value the limited time we have in making music together, but I do not believe that stress motivates and help students grow. And undo stress that teachers feel and often put upon themselves,  makes teachers forget the sheer joy of creating music with children.

My time is running out. I don’t know exactly how many more days I have before my leave and at some point in the middle of the past week, I stopped let myself have fun with my students. It’s weird. I know that I’m not good at motivating my students through being stern but I seem to revert to that in times of stress. And when I smiled, and showed my students how much joy I got out of their hard work, we all started to have more fun and be more productive.

I let stress take my smile a way for part of this week, and it didn’t help my students prepare for their performances.

We have to figure out where are stress comes from, and see where it leads us. There are so many important things to teach in preparation for performances. If we get to a polished performance through a process full of stress, then that’s all our students will remember.

Music is not about stress,. Music is about understanding and sharing the human experience in ways that words cannot. In this way music is life-affirming and powerful. If this happens in our classroom leading up to our concert, this is what they will remember regardless of how well a concert goes.

The glory of a great performance only last an evening, understanding the joy and meaning in the process of learning music lasts a lifetime.

Parenthood: Week 347 – Every Day

In a recent podcast Dave Meltzer explained that one of the reasons that people in his generation grow and learn about what it means to be anti-racist and more accepting of diversity is through their children. Children, he explains, encourage us to grow and learn about new things in life. Children ensure that every single day of our lives is different.

Dave Melzer isn’t a parenting expert. He is a sports journalist who primarily focuses on professional wrestling and MMA. It is not an understatement to say that Meltzer is a genius, with an encyclopedic memory for sports. He is one of, if not the most prolific sports journalists of all time.  Check out this great New York Times profile about him.

One of the reasons I respect Meltzer so much is that he has incredible instincts about recognizing racism, how to respond to issues related to racism, and what it means to navigate the modern world with all that has progressed in society. His mind, and his understanding of the world makes professional wrestling a wonderful world to explore. Following along with Meltzer is one of the reasons that I follow professional wrestling.

Back to the opening statement…Meltzer is right.

If you want your life to basically be the same every day, it’s possible. Stick with the friends you made in high school and college, go to the same job, and have the same hobbies. The years will go by like lightning and you can expect nothing much to change in your life. If you are fortunate enough, you can have forty years of your life go by without much change.

If consistency and predictability is what you want out of life. Fine, do your thing.

However, if you want your life to be different every day, have kids.

Every single day of my life since having children has been unique. Unpredictability has become the norm. Sometimes Ethan will sleep through the night, others nights he will not. Some night Ollie doesn’t have a lot to say at the dinner table, while tonight he told us that he wanted a unibrow because he heard about it in the story someone read to him at school.

Development stages pass like the seasons, new adventures are always on the horizon, and there’s always new things to learn and explore. Children motivate me to try new things with them, and my children motivate me to want to learn and be a better me.

Pushing for consistently day to day with children in routines is important for structure but these routines aren’t a cage to control children but structures for children to grow like tomatoes moving up and around wooden stakes. You can’t predict exactly how a plant will grow, and that’s the exciting part.

Why kid number 3? Because I like that my life is different every day, and I want more of that. To me, what makes life awesome, interesting, emotional and powerful is the difference from day to day, what is unique about each morning, each afternoon, and each evening. Children ensure that every day is an adventure. It feels right for more of this, for myself, for my wife, and for my children.

I like the rollercoaster. It’s scary, but it’s fun. I’ve loved going on this ride with Diana, and I’m looking forward to bringing Ollie and Ethan along for the ride, as we welcome a special one into our lives.

Year 10: Week 13 - Crowded Table

Most of the time, I don’t teach music that I love. First off, my job as a teacher is not to teach students what music that I enjoy. My job is to instill a love of music in my students' lives buy teaching them how to better understand music in their own lives and beyond. The music that is most effective at doing just this is often music that I don’t personally love, or even like all that much. No, I don’t torture myself by teaching music that I strongly dislike, but I rarely in my free time listen to music that I teach for enjoyment.

This is why I hesitated so much to teach “Crowded Table.” This is a song that I absolutely love and it means so much to me. One of the first singles that was released from The Highwomen is a wonderful statement of values, and an expression of what of the wants that we should all share.


I love everything about The Highwomen, and I’m going to leave it to the pros to explain what is so important and amazing about their debut self-titled album (check out this article).

I wanted to shake things up. My 3rd graders ended the Thanksgiving program long before I started at this school ten years ago by performing, “Simple Gifts.” Yes, as I taught my students, “Simple Gifts” is an important American song, attributed Elder Joseph Brackett who wrote it down in 1848. However, I felt that my students needed more, my school needed more. For over a decade (likely decades), the expressions of this one white man from the mid-1800s had been central in the traditions of our school.

My school is made up of a lot more than white men, so I was determined to do something more. Instead of trying to replace a tradition that many people valued, I created more space. I moved “Simple Gifts,” from a finale to an introduction, and brought in “Crowded Table,” a song written and recorded earlier this year by women as the ending sing-along of this central school tradition.

“Crowded Table” was perfect. The meaning of the lyrics were teachable to my 3rd graders and while rhythm was a not exactly at 3rd grade level, the range and the contours of the melody worked for my 3rd graders and most importantly of all, my students really enjoyed singing this song.

My idea was that all of the other students in the audience would singalong with the chorus of the song while the 3rd graders performed. So, I prepped the other student by teaching “Crowded Table,” to them and every time, I was nervous, hoping that they would catch onto the song. I’m usually not nervous in my hope that students will like a song, but this one felt different. This song and this whole album just has meant that much to me.

With great pride I led my 3rd graders through the first verse, and then I turned around to invite the audience to sing along with the chorus and I heard singing from crowd, and felt the spirit in the room. Each time the chorus hit, the audiences voices got louder and louder, and by the end of the song, the whole school was singing together.

If the school didn’t get into this song, and not singalong very loudly, it would have been fine. However, this possibility felt like a failure to me, and fulfilling our fears that the youth are less than. Instead the students and my school showed me that they agreed with me, that our school values were nothing just posted on the wall, and that we all wanted to create a school and a society where “everyone belongs.”

Parenthood: Week 346 - Swinging

“Ethan, do you want more swing?”

“More!”

“Ollie, do you want to take a break?”

“MORE SWING!!”

I wasn’t sure how long I had been pushing my children on the swings in our backyard. I knew that at least three songs had past that I was playing off of my iPhone through a speaker balancing on a tree stump.

It was Sunday morning and I had the boys to myself. Diana was teaching her last Sunday morning enrichment class for gifted students. She had been teaching this course for a couple weeks, which gave me the opportunity to have some daddy time with the boys.

Some Sundays with the boys went really well. I would get them out of the house to go to a play area or a park and we’d have a great time. There were other times that did not go so well, like when I took them to a store with toys and a meltdown ensued as I refused to by toys for them.

Days when I felt less motivated and didn’t get them out of the house in general didn’t go so well. Yes, sleeping in is nice, but the price that I pay for sleeping in is that the mornings are more hectic, and it’s harder to get them fed, ready for the day and get myself ready for the day. Most of the time the boys would let me do one of these three things in peaces: eat breakfast, go to the bathroom, or get dressed. If I pushed myself out of bed earlier, and had a plan, things almost always went smoother.

Having a relaxing Sunday morning at home has never been that relaxing.

Yesterday, I did have a plan. I got up one the early side, and got Ethan eating some snacks earlier so I could get breakfast on the table for everyone. I got them changed and got myself ready and we headed to the backyard.

Ollie on recent neighborhood bike rides kept crashing into leaf piles while we walking Buffy. This was entertaining for him, but it delayed our walks with Buffy. And it was annoying to wait for him to pull his bike out of leaf piles over and over.

This morning was going to be different. I was going to give my boys control of their time. So much of our children’s lives, we determine when their schedule. We often cut our children off when they want to do more of something they are enjoying. On this morning I wanted things to be different.

After we racked up piles of leaves and jumped around in them, Ethan pointed to the swings. I racked a nice cushion of leaves underneath the swings so my Ollie could jump out of the swing into the pile, and then I pushed them and got them going.

In the past, at parks I’ve stopped my boys from doing certain activities like the swings or playing on slides because I was bored or we were out of time. Yesterday, I let them take the lead.

After about ten minutes of pushing them on the swing, I gave up keeping track of time, and I stopped asking if they were done or wanted a break.  Next, I gave up on trying to lead them into a different activity.   Finally, I pushed aside my boredom and focused on Ethan’s constant giggles and let his joy become my focus.

I starting noticing things that I had missed. The air was getting warmer. Ethan’s hands were gripping the chains of the swings with more strength then I had ever before. Ollie and Ethan swung in and out of sync in some kind of wonderful dance, and the leaves beneath my boots crackled gently as I shifted my weight.

Like awakening from a dream, Ollie said “Ok, I want a break,” and he jumped off. Soon after Ethan reached his arms up to signal that he was done as well. Shortly after that we headed back into the house and sense of time reentered my consciousness and we were back. 

It's sometimes scary to let our children take charge, but sometimes when we let them lead us, it takes us to wonderful places, we never imagined. 

Year 10: Week 12 - Why I Go To Taft

This year’s 5th grade trip was rough. The weather for three of the four days was in the 20s and low 30s. All four days we spent at least four to five hours outside doing activities. It was cold.

Really cold.

I was “on” as a teacher from the early morning to late at night and we got around five to six hours of sleep. Even though this was about what I’m used to at home with little kids, like any sleep away from home it wasn’t as restful.

I teach five different grade levels, which manes that my other four grades had a substitute teacher while I was away. Four days is a significant time away and even with the best substitute teacher, curriculum and instruction takes a hit for that week.

Four days and three nights is a lot of time to be away from my family. Diana can handle things with without me but of course it’s harder and takes more out of Diana. My sons were thrown off. Ollie missed me, and Ethan is too young to understand what was going on but expressed concerns over my absence through some challenging behavior and having issues with his sleeping routine.

With all of these challenges, known well-ahead of time, why do I go back to this retreat? This year was my ninth year going, and I would go back again.

There’s the feeling of being part of a tradition, the relationships building opportunities with the students, and the challenge of the trip. This year, what really made the experience special and rewarding was the other teachers.

I love being part of this team of teachers. They value my opinion, I feel trusted and honored in conversations with them, and we have a lot of fun. Even in the worst of times we find ways to make each other laugh. At the same time when we are having hard times, we know how to give people space to feel these feelings.

This is the group of teachers I was with during election night of 2016 on this trip. While I wished I was home, I really valued the memory of sharing this challenging night with these wonderful educators.

At school, I’m part of many different teams but I often don’t feel fully part of any of them.  For example, I work with the 3rd grade team but I have other grades I work at the same time so I miss out on a lot with each grade level team.  On this trip, with these people, I’m fully feel like I belong.

Some the relationships I value the most at my school come from friendships that started and developed at this retreat.  For this, I will forever be grateful.

The creators of this trip made this trip as much for the faculty as they did for the students.  The way they worked together and valued each other has been passed down to us.  We now have the responsibility to do as they did for the students and each other.

I look forward to going back to Taft next year.  It's going to be a challenge, but I know I will have my people there with me.  There is magic in this place but it's only been revealed to me because of these wonderful people I am proud to call my colleagues and friends. 

Parenthood: Week 345 - What I Miss

Last week was my annual 5th grade outdoor education retreat. I wrote this post while I was away from my family, thinking about what I was missing about my children. 

I miss Ethan's hands.

Ethan’s hands are small compared to mine, but they seem large compared to his body. These hands are tools that he uses to explore the world. Only through concentration can he get his hands to complete tasks like putting on his shoes. These efforts can bring about frustration and often can bring him satisfaction.

Taking off his socks and outing on a new pair takes time and effort. His hands work carefully and slowly. The movement sometimes seems clumsy but the persistence of this work is focused and careful.

When Ethan wakes up early in the morning and I bring him into my bed to calm him down his hand seek me out in the dark. Ethan feels for something to hold onto. Something real and warm. A shirt collar simply isn’t enough. He scratches at my throat trying to feel something to be closer. As I wince in pain, I push his hands away and Ethan moves his hands down my shirt to my chest.

Ethan’s hand relaxes open and I feel his palm against my chest. His hand presses gently against my chest as it rises up and down. Ethan’s body finally relaxes and he cuddles closer to me in the darkness.


I miss Ollie’s eyes.

In his eyes Ollie shows me that I matter.

In moments of frustration, while his face tenses up like a fist, his eyes plead to me. He wants to watch one more episode of that show, or that piece of candy, but there’s more. Behind his eyes he wants guidance, clarity and a better understanding through the swirl of emotions that are filling his mind.

When Ollie smiles and looks at me his eyes are searching for a connection. Even at this young age, Ollie understands that true joy is in sharing. Happiness confirmed through through bright eyes are an affirmation and permission to feel deeper.

Other times Ollie’s eyes reach out to me like a hand. Sometimes it’s a hand that needs help, like a silent plea of “daddy,” when Ollie is suck in a place physically or inside his mind. There are times when his eyes reach out to help me up. Ollie is very empathetic and wants me to feel better when I’m sad. When I’m upset, his eyes tell me it’s okay.

In the quiet moments, looking into his kind eyes, I pause, and find a calm through the invitation of his gaze.

Ollie’s eyes make me feel loved, feel important and feel that my life has meaning.

I hope that he feels the same when he looks into my eyes.

Year 10: Week 11 - Through The Years

In my role as a music teacher, I see my students for less time across the course of a week than the classroom. However, I get to be from 3rd to 8th grade. And they are part of my life as members of our school community from when they enter in JK and leave our school as high school seniors.

From their time with me in 3rd grade until they leave me in 8th grade, I witness amazing growth. Some facets of their personality come through over time, others persist, and some evolve. Sometimes they meet my expectations over the years, and other times they surprise me in ways that and inspire me.

These changes are markers of time, a reminder of our purpose as teachers, and a wonderful thing to witness. Some students are aware that I’m part of their lives over the years. They enjoy revisiting me, ask me how my family is going, an savor our relationship as it evolves over the years. I enjoy when older students reminisce about something we did in a class together. Sometimes it’s a memory that I share, but often it’s a moment that has left my memory but brings the student great joy.

Other students as less aware of the nature of our longitudinal relationship. I take the student’s lead in these situation as it is important for some students to feel space from me as a teacher. I have at times reminded students of how I have watched them grow up over the years, and how proud I am of their growth.

Many memories of students I keep to myself as they bring me joy and pride. I let these thoughts come to me when I get to watch these students do amazing things. Because it is often how they have grown that adds a level of pride that is unique to my perspective.

The seeds we plant as teachers sometimes come to fruition in a couple months. Sometimes things bloom in a couple of years. Many times the seeds that we plant grow in our students in ways that we cannot observe years later. Our greatest work leads to growth that no one can witness and often times is not known by the individual.

When I meet my 3rd graders for the first time in the beginning of the year, it is a wonderful moment of joy. I remember performances I saw them do in grades earlier. I see their eyes and feel their presences in the classroom space that we share.  Most of all, I feel the excitement of the journey ahead.

It’s not my journey. I am one small part of their lives. I work with hope that my time with them will enrich their lives, for I know that our time together has enriched mine. It is sharing their lives over the years that bring meaning to my work, and changes my life, for the better, and for good.

Parenthood: Week 344 - Hamilton

Hamilton has been part of Ollie’s cultural diet for most of his life. I jumped on the Hamilton train when after the soundtrack had been out for a couple months in 2015, when Ollie was two years old.

I have always been mindful of Ollie’s cultural diet. What our children watch, listen to, and observe effect the way that they see the world, other people, and themselves. If all we feed our children is food that is not healthy, it will effect their physical and mental health. Art has a similar effect on our mental health and our souls. Images, song lyrics, and musical sounds stay with out and reverberate in our souls, long after we the songs leave our attention. Most of the information that we receive about culture and values, we get through art. And the way that we see ourselves is greatly influenced by the way that we see others in art. If you want your daughter to see themselves as strong, they must see strong women in art, and if you want your son who is a person of color to value themselves as a human being, then it’s essential that they read books that have positive characters that are people of color.

For almost a year, my musical diet was all Hamilton, and Ollie partook in that starting at age two. Hamilton is the musical equivalent of a super-food, and everything I wanted Ollie to consume and understand about America and himself. Hamilton includes almost every genre of music, feature people of color, showcase virtuoso musicianship, questions gender roles, and expresses the full range of human emotions.

Before I knew it I had a toddler singing along to, “My Shot,” in his car seat holding a Moana stuff dolled during the drive to school. We usually only listened to the songs that were lighter and more of a party. While I was concerned about the explicit language, Ollie was only two. I figured that he wouldn’t notice most of it, and so far he hasn’t shown any signs that we did pick up in the swear words from the musical.

As my interest died down, Ollie’s did as well and he got into learning songs from his music class, and various Disney movies.

Over the past four years, the idea of bringing Ollie to see Hamilton was on our mind. Diana and I went to the show together, and I went with my mom. It’s a long show, and while we continued to take Ollie to children’s theaters all over Chicago, Hamilton just seemed like too much for our little guy.

As the years past we toyed around with the idea, and as the end of Hamilton’s run became more clear in the horizon, we made the call to make it happen.

For the week before the show, I played the soundtrack from Hamilton in the car and around the house. The day of the show, I dressed Ollie in his Hamilton shirt and we got him loaded up in the car. Diana tried to get him to guess where we were taking him, and when he finally figured out where we were going he quietly smiled and bounced in his seat in excitement.

I wasn’t worried but I was prepared. We got seats by the aisle just in case Ollie needed to leave at the some point in the performance. Diana wisely asked me to buy some candy before the performance, which was critical to getting Ollie through the sections of the show he found less engaging.

Hamilton is a long show and even though Ollie knew a lot the songs, much of the show was new for him, and most of the plot was too complex for him to fully understand. With ask of this working against him Ollie did great. We had to remind him to sit down nicely a couple time and we did get through candy and a bag of popcorn, but for the most part he sat nicely and enjoyed the show.

I looked over at Ollie as the first song started the sudden knock on a door and a creak of a hinge. I was pleased to see him at the edge of the seat taking it all in. I felt a rush of excitement as the cast presented themselves on stage showing the beauty and talent of America to my son.

I held Ollie’s hand during, “Dear Theodosia,” and felt the wonderful joy of parenthood with my son next it me. During, “It’s Quiet Uptown,” I felt Ollie’s presence strongly next to me and held onto his arm gently as the song forced me to consider, “the unimaginable” through my own tears.  As the musical closed, I reflected for the first time how Hamilton’s hubris effected his children.  For the first time I took the story as a warning against the choices that we take that seem to further ourselves and also hurt our children.

Hamilton continues to give so much to our family, and I feel grateful to have had the opportunity to share this wonderful piece of art with Ollie.

Year 10: Week 10 – YMOC

This past weekend my school hosted its second annual Young Men of Color Symposium.

This event was inspired by a similar symposium started by Dwight Vidale at the Riverdale Country School in New York City. The idea was to create a space for young men of color in independent schools. This time served as an affinity space, a time for personal growth, and a place for community building.

This year like last year, I served as a facilitator. I’ll be totally honest. This year and last year it was a challenge…in a great way.  It has taken me 14 years to get to a place where almost all of the time I can handle whatever groups of students that is put in front of me. And it’s not like I couldn’t handle this group of students, but there were time that I wasn’t sure what to do.  My co-facilitators more than a couple times swooped in when I wasn’t sure what to do and did a great job.

I’m learning that facilitating isn’t the same as teaching. Also, I learning that groups of boys don’t work the same way together as a group of students who are made up of different genders. Throw in the fact that these are all students of color and you have a very unique situation that takes care and finesse to handle.

It was clear that some of the behavior that in a classroom context would be characterized as disruptive was an expression of learning through a level of discomfort. For example, we did an activity when people had to complete the phrase, “one thing I like about being a person of color is…” One student said his hair and immediately other students giggled, and some started feeling their hair nervously. The rowdiness in the other students responses was significant. My initial instinct was the shut it down these seemingly silly responses but taking cues from the other facilitators, I let it go.

Part of the dynamic in the room that I need to put out there is that I was an Asian-American adult in a room full of mostly black and African-American identified boys. The work in this room was racial and my identity is part of what was in that room, and I needed to be conscientious about what my presence meant in this space.

Now, I don’t really know what my presence means right now, but that’s okay. This is a space for young men of color, Asian-identified included. This year even though Asians were still a minority in a group of minorities, more Asian students came this year.

I have a lot of questions and wonders about this experience, but I’m glad that I got to part of this experience and contribute to this experience for these young men. Part of why I love teaching is that it puts me in different and uncomfortable places. This is how I learn and grow, and I’m grateful that I got to do this in service of these incredible young men of color.

Parenthood: Week 343 – Halloween

I view Halloween is like a children’s toy.

If a kid is not playing well with a toy, one reasonable consequence is to take that toy away. The fact that we still have to remind people that racism is not okay on Halloween, and dressing like other cultures is not appropriate continues frustrates me. While I do think that college-aged people having a  excuse to party is totally fine, however when this over-sexualization of characters and costumes tickles down to high school age people and even middle school age children, it’s really disturbing (and this does in fact happen).

Personally, I’ve never been that into dressing up, and the whole candy door to door thing never made much sense to me, so I wasn’t looking forward to doing the Halloween thing with my own children. That was until Ollie was born and I started seeing pictures of babies in costumes.

Seriously, cute little babies and toddlers are the best part of Halloween. I don’t know what it is about seeing little ones dress up that adds to their cuteness quotient but it totally does. Add in the ridiculousness of dressing up dogs in costumes and it somehow balances out all of the awfulness that is Halloween…mostly.

Every year we got Buffy costumes and that continued when Ollie came around and same with Ethan. We probably spent more money on costumes than I was comfortable at first but we made it happen. We mitigated the costs by going the Etsy route, which depending on the costume can be more affordable. Diana started doing this thing where she order a winter knit hat as part a costume, which doubles as a functional hat. We did this for a panda, koala, and dinosaur costumes.

Another thing that makes Halloween SO much better is the fact that my neighborhood does trick or treating the Sunday afternoon before Halloween. Kids run around for less than an hour, people sit in chairs on the sidewalk outside the house, which eliminates the awkward door knocking part. It’s well-lit in the middle of the afternoon, and generally, really easy.

Since we moved in, I stayed behind and handed out candy, but this year I took Ethan around. This was the first time I had ever gone trick or treating with any of my kids and it was super cute. Ethan really likes being held so it was impressive to see him walking on his own so much. He would slowly walk up to people holding out bowls of candy sitting on the sidewalk, carefully take one piece out of the bowl and put it in his bag and walk away. I tried to get him to say thank you and most of the time he tried, but it was usually really softly.

Ethan made it to almost ten different houses, which was a really far walk for him. It was nice to see so many of my neighbors be so delighted by his cuteness. Everyone was so nice to him, and he got really into this activity. Now this was followed by several meltdowns in the following days because well…candy, but it was still wonderful to walk with him around the neighborhood.

I still have issues with Halloween, but I’m glad that my family has figured out a way to make it work for us.  I'm looking forward to one more to fit into a theme with my other sons and Buffy...this may take some creativity. 

Year 10: Week 9 - What I Love Part 2

Aloud

I love reading books to children. If I had spare time I would volunteer to do read-aloud anywhere people would take me. When I taught special ed, and general classroom, doing reading books to students was one of my favorite thing to do. Children are given permission to enjoy so many things that adults also enjoy but for one reason or another aren’t valued as adult experiences. One of these special things that I feel that all people love is being told stories. Kids are the lucky ones who in the best of schools get to experiences almost every single day.

I am a music teacher and I only see my students twice a week for 40 minutes. I have a lot of stuff in my curriculum that is important so I don’t have a lot of time to do read aloud even when it’s a musical book that enriches the music curriculum. So, I integrate books as much as I can, and dive deep into the experience of reading to my students. I don’t do voice, but I do sound effects. I love playing with the volume and pitch of my voice and building up to dramatic silences.

The thing I love the most about reading books to students is that it’s an opening for further conversations, and connections. Books are in invitation to discuss, share, and reflect. It’s a beautiful part of teaching, that I always enjoy.

Opening The House

Even though I'm not a fan of coming in on the weekends, open houses, which are often on Saturdays are a great opportunity to help my school communicate to others what is special, important and of value at my school.

During these events sometimes I get direct questions and other times I am given space to simply talk. My job in these moments is to help others see what I love about education and my school, and while there is a level of salesmanship going on here, it doesn’t feel phony.

I believe in education, I believe in my school, and I believe that there is something important about the work that I do with my students. There are times that I have to mold my answers to what others are saying and sometimes steer the conversation in another direction, but more often than not these exchanges feel organic, authentic and meaningful.

I have empathy for these parents having gone through a similar process with my own son, and I do my best to work through the awkwardness of the conversations. What I enjoy most is helping the parents see that there is a place that sees children and values them because of their diversity and  the different facets of their identity. When visitors understand this, I can see excitement in their eyes as the hope that a school will value their children as they love them grows. It’s a conversation that turns doubt into a maybe, and helps transforms pessimism into hope.

Parenthood: Week 342 – This Is Six

As I carried the basket of clean laundry up to our bedroom, I tried to be as quiet as possible. I had just gotten Ethan to sleep and Diana had finished reading to Ollie. The hallway was dark and I walked carefully walked trying not to bump the sides of the laundry basket against the walls.

I angled the laundry basket just right to fit through the door frame when I heard faint singing. I put the laundry down and approached Ollie’s door. I listened at his door and heard his soft singing. I couldn’t name the tune, but it was peaceful and gentle. Sometimes Ollie borderline screams when he sings along with his favorite songs. This was different. It was contemplative, gentle, and warm.

I slowly entered the room and Ollie continued to sing as I sat down on his bed. Ollie smiled at me and stopped his song.

“Hey Buddy, what are you doing?”

“I’m singing…”

“Is this helping you go to sleep?”

“Yes.”

I explained, “There’s different ways to go to sleep. Sometimes we read a book, other times we think about things that we are looking forward to, or people that we love. Sometimes we sing ourselves to sleep. It’s a really nice thing to sing ourselves to sleep, do you want to sing a song with me?”

Ollie nodded yes, and I crawled into bed with him. We sang together our special lullaby, which I sang to him when he was a baby. It’s to the tune of “Edelweiss,” from The Sound Of Music.

Ollie bear, Ollie bear,
You’re my cutey patootey.
You’re a cutey, and a patootey
And I love you soooo much.

You are my beautiful Ollie bear,
and I love you so much.

Ollie bear, Ollie bear,
You’re my special little guy.

Ollie giggled as I sang and joined me for some of the song. “If you want to keep singing when I leave, that’s okay, but don’t sing for too long, you need to get some rest for school tomorrow.”

We gave each other kisses and shared a hug. I told him that I loved him and I walked out his room quietly. I closed his door gently.

I stood there for a moment smiling to myself and after a couple seconds Ollie started singing to himself again, and I walked away into the dark hall with the sound of my special little guy’s voice making our house feel like a home.

Year 10: Week 8 - What I Love

What do you love to do and would perhaps do for free?


Waking my students up.

This past week, I played “If She Leaves Me,” by the Highwomen for my 5th graders. I asked my students to follow along with the lyrics and come up with the story of the song: a two sentence summary of what the song was about.


The first couple responses mentioned love, and one student was fixated on the reference to alcohol (they ARE 5th graders). In all three of my 5th grade classes eventually students started talking about gender. I could see that they were struggling with the fact that the singer, Brandi Carlile sings with a voice that the students identified as a woman and that the narrator was talking about a woman that she loved.

One student carefully asked if this song was about a woman who was in love with another woman, and a student in another class asked, “is this song about a Gay couple?” After each of these comments there was a silence in the room, and I could feel the anticipation as my students waited for my response.

Letting my excitement come through as a warm smile, I said “yes.”

I told them about how The Highwomen believed that everyone should have music and art that reflected their lives and experiences. I have songs that I can listen to that reflect my experience with my partner that I can use to reflect on my love and feel deeper about her. People in same-sex relationships should have the same thing. And I told them that this song is a wonderful story that we can all experience as it talks about themes that relate to all of our lives.

Some students were excited that their suspicions were affirmed, like they cracked some code. Others were clearly still processing this song, and for others the light bulbs inside of them were slowly brightening up into a look of thoughtful realization.

Saying Yes

I spend a lot of time discussing and meeting with other teachers, staff, administrators during my time at school. This sometimes means that my lesson planning is rushed or meals are skipped, but I do it because I love it.

There’s many ways to help other adults in a school, and there’s some ways to work with them to bring power and voice to others through collaboration. One of the most powerful ways to do this is to say, “yes.”

Sometimes saying yes is asking tough questions and finding nuggets of promise and realizations to highlight. Other times saying yes comes after other conversations over time and getting to a place where affirmation feels natural and authentic. Then there are times of spontaneity when saying “yes,” is sharing a joke, or a smile in the hallway,  which is more of an act of empathy than humor.

When I work with others, it makes me see other things and understand more about others and who I am. In a moment earlier this week, I realized a key to being comfortable with disagreement.

I have told my department that agreeing with each other isn’t a priority, but I never quite realized what it took to have this happen in a way that unified more than divided. Then it came it me as I was talking to a teacher: we are okay with disagreement if we understand that those we disagree with have given thought to their opinion, and that there is a common theme and value that is shared.

Parenthood: Week 341 – Feeling Big and Feeling Small

There are times when they seem so big.

Ollie had spent most of the day laying on the couch. He was so sick that when a television show had finished, he lay there in front of a still menu screen not even asking for Diana to put on another show for him. Later we found out that he had strep throat and croup, but at the time all we knew is that he wasn’t okay.

I rushed home from an evening meeting. Diana had already set up a doctor’s appointment for him. I carried him from the couch into the car, and again from the car to the office. His feverish body felt heavier than I imagined, and his legs hung long around my hips. My muscles strained as I carried him, but I was determined to not let him go.

 Some day he was going to be too big to carry, but not today.

He didn’t quite fit as I sat down and he cuddled against my chest. Ollie was not a baby, and while his body awkwardly tried to fit against mine, I was reminded as much as he is still was my special little guy, he wasn’t a baby anymore.

*****

In the darkness, lying next to Ethan, he seems to take over the entire bed. I feel his head cuddle into the nape of my neck, and I reach down trying to find his feet, attempting to prevent him for kicking Diana. His clumsy movements, as he rolls around under and around the covers makes it seem like he’s everywhere at once.

At times when Diana leaves the bed and I push him over to that side of the bed, he somehow manages to fill up more than half the bed. Without fear, knowing he is close to me, Ethan let’s go. He reaches out his arms and spreads his legs feeling free to take up space, knowing that if he reaches out far enough he will fell the touch of one that he loves



Then there are times when they seem so small.

Ollie’s covers, like the underside of a pillow feels cool to the touch when you initially climb under them. So, as I climbed into Ollie’s bed to read to him, I felt his body curl up against mine. His hands curled up under his chin and his entire body snuggled up underneath my arm. Ollie’s body held tight, almost shivering as I started reading and we entered the world of Oz.

As the covers warm up, I feel Ollie’s body relax, but his body remains next to mine as close as it could to mine, and it that moment I hold everything.

*****

“HUGS!!”

Looking down at Ethan with his arms stretched up at me, he screamed wanting me to pick him up. I’m trying to get dinner cooked and he is frustrated that I’m not holding him.  “Hugs please?” I respond. Ethan pauses, and relaxes his face. He puts his arms down, and then he reaches up and says in small voice with a little smile, “hugs please?”

Looking down at this little one, he is seems so small, and as I lift him into my arms, his body works in perfect unison in my arms. We fit together in that moment and I hold him, because sometimes dinner can wait.

Year 10: Week 7 – The Old and The New

This was the week when I started to feel like we were getting into the groove of things. Last weekend we had a three-day weekend. The previous weeks were affected by students being absent because of Jewish Holidays.  While this week wasn’t a full week, things felt more settled.

Now is the time when I’m transitioning from beginning of the year activities to working on units that are going to lead towards events and performances. There isn't stressful, but there is a feeling that I need to more carefully plan my lessons and manage my students time directly.  This is when lesson planning happens by working backwards from an event as opposed to starting from where we are right now.

As I’ve been planning, I take a look at what I did last year, and I work through the process of figuring out what I’m going to do again, what lessons I’m going to put aside, and what I’m going to add.

One of the things that enjoy about teaching is the opportunity to do lessons that I taught before. When I’m able to try something again, year after year, it allows me to focus more on my pedagogy than on the material. Certain “a-ha” moments happen every year. It never gets old hearing students struggle through a song and then after a couple months of work, the students have mastered these songs.

I don’t do everything the same way, because, well, I simply can’t leave well enough alone. It’s a little bit more complex than that. Sometimes I make changes because my curriculum feels stale, or less relevant. I try not to take songs out of my curriculum based on my negative feelings about a song. Sometimes though my negative feelings are because a song lacks depth and relevance. There are songs I have taught every year for a decade and they still feel fresh and are relevant. Great art can sustain repeated teaching, and keep a teacher interested in the curriculum.

Other times I make changes because of opportunities. My 3rd graders now have iPads that they can use in music class. Even though it took a lot of work and one whole music class was pretty much used up with technology issues, I was able to make iPad use work later in the week and I was happy with how things went.

This year the things I’ve decided not to do have been for a couple reasons. I’ve simply run out of time with some classes because they needed more work at the beginning of the year to establish classrooms norms.  Also I’ve dropped some songs that I tried new last year that ended up not working out as well as I thought they would.

Then there’s the new stuff. I taught my students a dance to “September,” because I saw a clip online of another teacher doing it and it looked like fun. The most important addition to my curriculum this fall is a song. It’s one of those special songs that I personally love, works within the music curriculum, and is a wonderful example of social justice. My students have so taken to this song in a way that makes me happy, and almost in disbelief. It’s new part of my curriculum that has taken a lot of work, and I’m taking a chance with this one.  I’m more excited than scared, and I’m looking forward to sharing my love of this song with my students and why it’s so important to music, and their future.

More details later…

Parenthood: Week 340 – First Grade

First grade has this feeling that it’s the grade where “real school” starts. Yes, I know that the work in school during kindergarten, and junior kindergarten, are essential and critical, but that’s not howit always feels.

For many students, first grade is when they have desk for the first time. This means that the curriculum is more structured and less play based. For my little guy, it means regularly having homework, that really is work.

There isn’t some miraculous developmental leap that occurs the summer before first grade, it’s just the place that we have placed a shift in the school experience for children. In some ways it’s important that we reflect that at home, and in other ways it’s important to push against this.

The effectiveness of the work at school is dependent on the support at home for the work that happens in a school. The highest ranked schools are completely ineffective if the parents aren’t on board, and with parent support and commitment, schools that seem to be of a lower quality can successful serve the educational needs of students. This is why I fully support the work at my son’s school even though I don’t agree with everything about my son’s school.

I’ve been a teacher for fourteen years, and I have Master degree in education. I know what I’m talking about. While this means that I have strong opinions on how I feel that education should be in our country, I’m also smart enough to know that there are many different factors that affect education in our country. So my “agreement,” isn’t essential to supporting my son’s teachers.

Look, I think Ollie gets too much homework. I’m of the philosophy that children overall should get less homework and first graders shouldn’t get any. However, I’m still going to support Ollie in getting his homework done. Ollie needs to work within the structures that are given, and he needs to step up at school from the work he did last year. It’s difficult at times, but this is the push that the school administration and teachers feel is best, so let’s do it.

At other times at home, there’s no need for a push or a “step-up” to another grade. Ollie can play with the same toys, watch the same shows, and read the same books he enjoyed at home last year. He still gets to be as goofy around the house, and he gets to cuddle as much as he wants.  Home is a place of comfort, where you don’t have to have the answers, and instead of being a “grown-up,” you get to be yourself.

Ollie is sometimes really tired when he gets home from school. There’s a lot to manage socially and academically. I appreciate all that they do at school to push him in ways that make him grow. I want to support that at home, at the same time, I feel like he needs a break to not worry so much on how to be and to simply “be.”

Year 10: Week 6 - Queer Eye For The Teacher Guy

When I grow up, I want to be like Jonathan Van Ness. The grooming expert on the new version of Queer Eye is one of my favorite cultural personalities.



I love how Van Ness is proud of different parts of his identity, and I admire the fearlessness that he is willing to share different parts of himself. I appreciate the care in which he uses his privilege and his platform to elevate others and speak about important issues, and I am inspired by how he helps people with care, and love.

One of the things I love about Van Ness is how he expresses joy and enthusiasm. Without shame, and without hesitation, he will scream and jump up and down if something excites him, like when he met Sophie Turner.


This moment is wonderful.  At first glass it seems over the top, but it really feels genuine as the video continues.  Even if it makes some people think he’s geeky, so what? Who doesn’t want to feel this way about the world.

I want to be more like Van Ness when I teach. I don’t want to be phoney, but I want my students to see in a bigger way what I love about music and sharing my time with them. I have enthusiasm inside of me that I sometimes don’t let out. Sometimes it’s a reflection of my nature. I am introverted, and socially more reserved. Other times it’s because my instincts tell me that if I am more stoic, my students will behave better.

Here’s the thing, students may behave better with a teacher a being more serious, but this is only through fear, and a focus on self-control for the sake of compliance.  Students can find a way better way to behave better by being excited to learn by a teacher's genuinely joy.

A student who is witnessing a teacher reading a book or talking about a piece of music an open expression of joy is going to listen closer, and more intently.  The inspiration from this joy will inspire them to work harder with the material.   With a meaningful purpose, student disruptions are less.  Students worked better when they have feel the meaning of the work through a teacher's passion. 

This week it was dancing along with my 3rd graders to a routine I taught them that went along with "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire.  There was my reading of Hip Hop Dog with unencumbered expression and enjoy.  The week also featured me dancing to songs from Moana in front of the student body as students were getting seated before an assembly.

It’s not always easy to do these things, but just like jumping into a swimming pool once I get, it’s awesome and so much fun.  Like swimming it these moments leaves me exhausted, but there's never regrets. 

Parenthood: Week 339 – Sleep Training

Sleeping on the floor next to Ethan’s crib is an improvement…

Ollie really liked his crib as a baby and a toddler. Yes, he had his moments when he needed to be rocked for what felt like hours before he would settle down in his crib, however in general he enjoyed his crib. He would wake up smiling in his crib, and sometimes choose to roll around and play in it. When we eventually moved him into a twin sized bed, we had to teach him that he could get out of his bed to find us and go to the bathroom. He liked his crib so much that he never thought to try to climb out of it. Ollie assumed that his big boy bed was the same and that he needed help to get out of it.

Ethan is different. He didn’t take to being swaddled as well as Ollie did. In addition to being a different person with a different personality, I was a different father. Five years later older, and having him in the winter with less of a paternity leave (my paternity leave with Ollie started in the Spring and carried through summer break) changed my approach. I simply didn’t have it in me to walk around with him in my arms, or rock him to sleep. So instead I would cuddle him in bed with me as he fell asleep.

This became the norm, and for a good portion of the his life he has co-slept with me and Diana. I am not going to get in a co-sleeping debate here. I don’t think that Ethan has any advantage over Ollie because he co-slept with us, and I don’t think Ethan is behind in any ways because he spent so much time cuddling with us in the middle of the night.

Co-sleeping worked out fine for a while, but then Ethan got bigger and more active.  And after Diana got pregnant, we realized that we really had to get him out of our bed. It got to the point that the only time that any of us got any sleep was if I left with Ethan and slept with him in the guest room, or if I left to the guest room and Ethan slept with Diana. Our queen-sized bed simply isn’t big enough for all three of us, let alone a fourth little one growing inside of Diana.

One of my summer goals was to sleep train Ethan. Yeah, that didn’t happen. However just like potty training with Ollie, once I eventually got around to it about a month ago, I regretted not doing it earlier.

I went with the “put the baby in the crib, let him cry for a couple minutes, pick him up to calm him down, and then put him back down, over and over, stay in the room until he falls asleep and get out of there when he's asleep” strategy. The first night this took two hours. Ethan cried and cried. I kept picking him up to calm him and he would scream as soon as I put him back into the crib. At some point late into the night, Ethan was standing and leaning on top of the crib-rail and fell asleep standing up, eventually slumping down onto his mattress.  It was so funny. 

The second night it took forty-five minutes. Within one a week we got to ten minutes of rocking, followed by ten minutes of me sitting on the floor next to the crib. After two more weeks, all Ethan needed to calm down was for me to be sitting or lying or sitting next to his crib.

Like all things in parenting and child development, sleep training doesn’t happen in a straight line. In the past two weeks, I’ve literally slept on the floor next to his crib for hours in the middle of the night. Sometimes it works and I army-crawl back into our bedroom, and other night, it doesn’t. This past week, two times, he slept with me on the floor next to him but he eventually started screaming so I gave up and he needed up in our bed.

I'm not complaining, other parents have it much worse.  It's part of the work of parenting.  It's frustrating a lot of the time, but after seeing how well Ollie sleeps, I know it's worth it. 

And yes, there were many times I simply considered buying a bigger bed laying on the floor at 2 in the morning.  It's not so bad sleeping with a toddler, but at a certain point it just gets weird.  So let's just take care of this before it gets to that point. 

Year 10: Week 5 - Permission

Children spend time holding back who they are, and who they want to be. In the process of exploring the different facets of one’s identity, many of us learn the harsh lesson that this process can in dangerous and can open ourselves up to ridicule from our peers, and disapproval from adults in our lives.
Children think about all of kinds of things, and learn explicitly or through the transfer of social norms that certain things shouldn’t be said, or discussed. These things include  topics around race, gender, feelings, and fears that are some of the most important topics to discuss. However, our students learn that like Voldemort, these thoughts are known and shared by all but not to be spoken out loud.

A classroom full of students who holds back, and don’t speak their mind in a way seems like the preferable situation. This would help with classroom management, and it would make it easier to give instruction. If teaching students to be compliment is the goal of education then let’s keep these children inside of themselves. However, if our goal in education is to help students be active and positive members of a democratic society that fights oppression and refuses to let any person like this current “president,” any power, then we need to give them permission.

We need to give students permission to work slowly when their brains need time to process, and when they are fascinated and want to dig deeper. They need permission to take a different route, to work hard and to get the wrong answer. Students cannot learn unless they are give the space to learn differently.

We need to give students permission to exercise their power. Young people deserve to have their power be acknowledged by adults, and they need our help to learn how to use their to make their own world more equitable, and just. Acknowledging children’s power does not lead to a powerless teacher, it leads to a true sense of responsibility and community.

We need to give students permission to talk about the issues of race and gender that they see in the world around them. Only by teaching children to talk about diversity, can they fully see and understand the oppression and injustice in the world. Too many students feel that the act of acknowledging race is racist, when in reality refusing to articulate race as an observation or an issue is what is truly racist.

We need to give students permission to feel and emote. They need space to reflect on their emotions, and process the powerful and complex feelings that make up the human experience. Only by giving students permission to feel deeply and express feelings in ways that they feel comfortable, can students grow academically, and more importantly, grow as human beings.

We need to give students permission to be fully human, to be weird, to be unique, to be kind, to be angry, to be confusing, to be loved, and to fully love. They need to know that it’s okay to be human and that they aren’t problems to be solved, or students to teach, they are first and foremost people. They deserve to be respected, and valued.

Our students can change the world.  They just need permission.