Teachers are in the business of creating relationships. Yes, I teach music, however the effectiveness of the students' education is reliant on us having a positive relationship built on trust, respect, and service.
In order to have a meaningful relationship with students as with any other people in our lives we have to reveal parts of ourselves, and communicate with honesty while being genuine. Unlike social relationships, teachers have to maintain a safe and appropriate relationship with their students, which means that we have be calculating and deliberate about what we share our lives outside the classroom into our teaching.
At this point in my career it isn’t hard to know what to bring into my classroom, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy to do what I know is right.
Coming back from my child-rearing leave, all of my students wanted to see pictures of my new baby, Lucas. I realized that I hadn’t shared with my students this year about my family. I used to be more deliberate about doing this towards the beginning of the year, but for some reason, I didn’t pause to take care of this recently. So I made a little slide show and it’s been really fun sharing some pictures and videos of my children to my students.
Earlier in the year, a song that I loved “Crowded Table,” fit into our curriculum, so I was able to genuinely teach a song that I loved. My curricular focus is generally not based on teaching music that I love, but rather teaching music that is effective and meaningful to my students. Once in a while music I love outside of class can become music I teach, but that’s rare.
There have been times when things I experienced in my life I can bring in and talk about like when David Bowie died. I taught my students a lesson about his work, his fashion and music and how he influence my life and my expression of masculinity. When my maternal grandmother passed away, I told my students about her and even shared some pictures from my trip to Taiwan.
Then there are things that happen in our lives that we can’t talk to our kids about, and we have to compartmentalize. There’s feeling about current events that put us in moods that are not fair to show students. There are stresses from personal lives that we need to make sure that we don’t project onto our students. And here are things that we know about “behind the scenes” at school that students cannot know, but we can’t but think about when we see their eyes.
This is exhausting, this act, this effort, we make to present ourselves in a way that isn’t genuinely how we feel. It seems like a contradiction since we should be genuine with our students, but we can’t always be that. Even if we faking smiles, what we can always make genuine is our expression of care for our students and our desire for them to be better. Sometimes, sometimes, this genuine care, focusing on our students in the moment can make us feel better about all of the baggage that we bring.
Other times, it’s simply exhausting like holding up a wall. It's in this feeling that I find myself needing to take care of myself and let myself process all that is going on in my life.
Teacher's can't keep walls up forever, so sometimes we need to focus more on taking care of ourselves, so we can take care of our students.
Friday, January 31, 2020
Monday, January 27, 2020
Parenthood: Week 355 – The Baby Doll's Gender Reveal
A couple night ago we were relaxing in our bedroom with Ethan before bedtime.
Ethan was playing with his baby doll that his Aunt Laura got him. One of this therapist suggested that we get him a doll a while back as a way to work on names of body parts. I mentioned this to my brother and my sister-in-law found this wonderful doll that had a similar features and skin tone to Ethan. It also came with a headband like the headband that keeps Ethan’s Baha hearing aid in place. It was a wonderful and very thoughtful gift.
Ethan has been playing this doll on and off and for the past two days he’s been really into this doll. He’s been carrying this doll around the house and has been sleeping with it.
We were asking questions about the doll to Ethan and one of us referred to the doll as a boy, “does he need a blanket?” I paused for a second, and asked Ethan, “Is the baby a boy or a girl?”
“Girl.”
I’m trying really hard to create an anti-sexist household. I listen to my Diana, and try not to interrupt her. I make sure my sons understand that I have the ability to do the same chores as Diana, and take my turn cleaning, cooking, and doing bath time. I nurture my boys interests regardless of how they fit into gender stereotypes. We were just as supportive as with Ollie’s desire to go see Incredible 2 as we did when he wanted to see Frozen 2. Generally, we are doing pretty good. However, I feel like I mess up all of the time.
With stuffed animals, and toys, the default gender I give to them is male. While I do a pretty good job at making sure that the books, movies and television shows are egalitarian, unfortunately my sons have seen quite a bit of imagery and have experienced stories that are have sexist ideas. I need to do better to interrupt exposure to gender stereotypes to make my Ollie aware of the messages about gender that he is getting that are beyond his awareness.
I’m trying, not succeeding 100%, but I’m trying.
Ideas about gender are established in children before the day they are born. The first thing people ask about unborn and newly born babies is gender. It’s absurd, ridiculous, and silly. This norm, or instinct speaks to how important clear gender dichotomy is for people to understand other people and themselves. All of this effects our children.
The moment with the baby doll was a great reminder that while our children have already picked up on gender stereotypes at early ages, they aren’t completely indoctrinate with the sexist ideas and influenced by the patriarchy, they have independent thoughts about gender. If you listen, they will surprise you sometimes.
Your son may love playing with a doll, and that doll, he might see as a girl. One way to help make a household more egalitarian might be to simply listen to your children, and let them take the lead.
Ethan was playing with his baby doll that his Aunt Laura got him. One of this therapist suggested that we get him a doll a while back as a way to work on names of body parts. I mentioned this to my brother and my sister-in-law found this wonderful doll that had a similar features and skin tone to Ethan. It also came with a headband like the headband that keeps Ethan’s Baha hearing aid in place. It was a wonderful and very thoughtful gift.
Ethan has been playing this doll on and off and for the past two days he’s been really into this doll. He’s been carrying this doll around the house and has been sleeping with it.
We were asking questions about the doll to Ethan and one of us referred to the doll as a boy, “does he need a blanket?” I paused for a second, and asked Ethan, “Is the baby a boy or a girl?”
“Girl.”
I’m trying really hard to create an anti-sexist household. I listen to my Diana, and try not to interrupt her. I make sure my sons understand that I have the ability to do the same chores as Diana, and take my turn cleaning, cooking, and doing bath time. I nurture my boys interests regardless of how they fit into gender stereotypes. We were just as supportive as with Ollie’s desire to go see Incredible 2 as we did when he wanted to see Frozen 2. Generally, we are doing pretty good. However, I feel like I mess up all of the time.
With stuffed animals, and toys, the default gender I give to them is male. While I do a pretty good job at making sure that the books, movies and television shows are egalitarian, unfortunately my sons have seen quite a bit of imagery and have experienced stories that are have sexist ideas. I need to do better to interrupt exposure to gender stereotypes to make my Ollie aware of the messages about gender that he is getting that are beyond his awareness.
I’m trying, not succeeding 100%, but I’m trying.
Ideas about gender are established in children before the day they are born. The first thing people ask about unborn and newly born babies is gender. It’s absurd, ridiculous, and silly. This norm, or instinct speaks to how important clear gender dichotomy is for people to understand other people and themselves. All of this effects our children.
The moment with the baby doll was a great reminder that while our children have already picked up on gender stereotypes at early ages, they aren’t completely indoctrinate with the sexist ideas and influenced by the patriarchy, they have independent thoughts about gender. If you listen, they will surprise you sometimes.
Your son may love playing with a doll, and that doll, he might see as a girl. One way to help make a household more egalitarian might be to simply listen to your children, and let them take the lead.
Friday, January 24, 2020
Year 10: Week 19 – Teaching In The Age of trump
“Yeah, the place I used to live was pretty nice, but it was kind of trumpy.”
One of my sixth graders shared this reflection about the city that she used to live before moving to Chicago and coming to my school. She wasn’t wrong. The state that she used to live in has a lot of trump supporters. This clearly bothered her. The use of the term “trumpy” was dismissive of the president and the views that he espouses.
I felt no reason to ask her for clarification, or to challenge her to express herself in a different way.
The norm in the fourth year of his first term has set in. We have a president that I need to be careful to bring up. We have a president that cannot be used as an example of any positive character traits, and we have a president who does nothing I can bring up in class as an example of leadership, culture, or values.
I show videos of the amazing musicians that President Obama brought to the white house like when Trombone Shorty visited:
I use quotes in my class from other Presidents like Abraham Lincoln, but there are no quotes from this current president that can teach my students anything of value. Also, since he uses so much inappropriate language, he is not a model of communication that I want my students to imitate, or be exposed to. The lack of leadership is felt all the way down to the way that we speak to our students about the news, our communities, and how we should treat each other.
Should trump every be brought up in school? Yes. Students need to learn about the news and current events. However, we have to be extremely careful how to we do this as trump’s voice and image is triggering to people in our community who trump has described in sub-human ways. As educators it is our primary job is the physical and emotional safety of our students, which is why managing conversations about trump in our classrooms carefully is very important.
As a music teacher and trump offer nothing to me. He didn’t go to any of the Kennedy Center honors programs. He hasn’t invited any great musicians or hosted any musical performance at the White House as most presidents before him. He doesn’t release a list of his favorite songs of the year, and he has never in my memory spoken about the importance of art or arts education.
When students do bring up trump, it’s more often than not in a joking way. In these moments, I have no problem explaining to them how making a joke about someone who has said hateful, prejudicial, and racist things about facets of identity that exists in our classroom is inappropriate, is wrong.
Teaching in the age of trump means that every single choice I make as an educator from the songs I teach, to the way that I respectfully look my students in their eyes and greet them by name is done deliberately. All I do is an effort to resist his negative effect on society and actively prevent another rise of such an immoral person into a seat of power.
This means having anti-racist curriculum, not letting boys in the classroom interrupt the girls during discussions, bringing voice to oppressed artists, and demonstrating what it means to be a leader. I am kind, I apologize when I mess up, and I focus my energy not on my own glory but elevating others. We must show our students that there is another way, that he is not the norm, and we can, and will be better then trump.
One of my sixth graders shared this reflection about the city that she used to live before moving to Chicago and coming to my school. She wasn’t wrong. The state that she used to live in has a lot of trump supporters. This clearly bothered her. The use of the term “trumpy” was dismissive of the president and the views that he espouses.
I felt no reason to ask her for clarification, or to challenge her to express herself in a different way.
The norm in the fourth year of his first term has set in. We have a president that I need to be careful to bring up. We have a president that cannot be used as an example of any positive character traits, and we have a president who does nothing I can bring up in class as an example of leadership, culture, or values.
I show videos of the amazing musicians that President Obama brought to the white house like when Trombone Shorty visited:
I use quotes in my class from other Presidents like Abraham Lincoln, but there are no quotes from this current president that can teach my students anything of value. Also, since he uses so much inappropriate language, he is not a model of communication that I want my students to imitate, or be exposed to. The lack of leadership is felt all the way down to the way that we speak to our students about the news, our communities, and how we should treat each other.
Should trump every be brought up in school? Yes. Students need to learn about the news and current events. However, we have to be extremely careful how to we do this as trump’s voice and image is triggering to people in our community who trump has described in sub-human ways. As educators it is our primary job is the physical and emotional safety of our students, which is why managing conversations about trump in our classrooms carefully is very important.
As a music teacher and trump offer nothing to me. He didn’t go to any of the Kennedy Center honors programs. He hasn’t invited any great musicians or hosted any musical performance at the White House as most presidents before him. He doesn’t release a list of his favorite songs of the year, and he has never in my memory spoken about the importance of art or arts education.
When students do bring up trump, it’s more often than not in a joking way. In these moments, I have no problem explaining to them how making a joke about someone who has said hateful, prejudicial, and racist things about facets of identity that exists in our classroom is inappropriate, is wrong.
Teaching in the age of trump means that every single choice I make as an educator from the songs I teach, to the way that I respectfully look my students in their eyes and greet them by name is done deliberately. All I do is an effort to resist his negative effect on society and actively prevent another rise of such an immoral person into a seat of power.
This means having anti-racist curriculum, not letting boys in the classroom interrupt the girls during discussions, bringing voice to oppressed artists, and demonstrating what it means to be a leader. I am kind, I apologize when I mess up, and I focus my energy not on my own glory but elevating others. We must show our students that there is another way, that he is not the norm, and we can, and will be better then trump.
Monday, January 20, 2020
Parenthood: Week 354 – Two Days
Last Friday Ethan did not want to go to bed.
Our bedtime routine is that we listen to “Con Te Partiro” by Andrea Bocelli, which Ethan knows as “Elmo Song” as we cuddle sitting on the floor on his room. Ethan knowns this song in this Sesame Street sketch:
I sit against his chest of drawers, which really isn’t that smooth or comfortable, and he sits facing me and cuddles with me chest to chest. After listening to his song, which I play on my phone, I put Ethan in his bed. Then I stay in his room sitting on the floor and try to sneak out. Sometimes he screams insisting that I stay in his room. Other nights, I can walk right now. Friday night it took 40 minutes and four tries before I could make it out of his room. Not perfect, but better than him falling asleep in bed with me.
I was already in my work out gear excited to get my evening work out in. I ran down the basement as soon as I started on the treadmill, Ethan woke up. I went back up and eventually got him back calmed down into bed. This ate up precious evening time so it was too late for me to get a work out in.
That was frustrating. I just wanted 45 minutes to work out.
I did evening chores, and got ready for bed myself. At around 1am, Ethan woke up screaming. If Lucas wasn’t in the room next door, we would have worked with him to go back to sleep in his crib. To avoid waking up everyone else in the house, I took him into the guest room and put him the portable crib.
This has been working pretty well recently. Ethan wants someone in the room with him, so I get sleep in the guest room bed, and Ethan sleeps in the portable crib. He gets his nighttime company, sleeps pretty well, and I get sleep too.
That night it didn’t work. He stood up in the crib and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. After about 45 minutes, Diana came in and somehow got him to calm down and he got to fell asleep in the portable crib.
At around 5:40am, Saturday morning, I awoke to Ethan asking for a drink of water. I pulled him out of his crib and sat him on the guest room bed with me. I unscrewed my water bottle for him, which he had previously drunk out of without any issues. Before I knew it, the bottle, which was an insulated one, spilled ice cold water all of over the sheets and all of over me.
What a great way to wake up on a Saturday.
Ethan had music class at 9:30 and you’d think since we got up around 6am, that we’d be ready to go with time to spare. Yeah…that didn’t happen. The boys all got fed and dressed for the day, but there was brother drama. Nothing out of the ordinary, but there was screaming. My lack of sleep the night before probably accounted for me moving at a slower pace. AND I had the joy of spending 45 minutes shoveling eight inches of heavy wet and slushy snow. I got Ethan to music class, hit the bakery afterwards, and then around noon, I finally got to eat some breakfast.
Saturday night was completely different.
That night Ethan fell asleep in my arms and I read to Ollie and I had no issues transferring to his bed. He slept in his own crib the entire night until 6am the next morning. The next morning went smoothly, and I actually ate breakfast at 7am. We all got out of the house and made it to the trampoline park that morning.
This is parenthood. Little to no sleep one night being woken up by ice cold water spilling all over you, and getting a full night’s sleep the next night. It’s really frustrating when you can’t do simple things like get a workout in, though the moments when things go well, are really awesome.
It’s amazing how bad things can feel one night and how much better than can feel just one day later.
Oh, and this past weekend we dealt with basement flooding issues.
So yeah. it’s been a blast.
Our bedtime routine is that we listen to “Con Te Partiro” by Andrea Bocelli, which Ethan knows as “Elmo Song” as we cuddle sitting on the floor on his room. Ethan knowns this song in this Sesame Street sketch:
I sit against his chest of drawers, which really isn’t that smooth or comfortable, and he sits facing me and cuddles with me chest to chest. After listening to his song, which I play on my phone, I put Ethan in his bed. Then I stay in his room sitting on the floor and try to sneak out. Sometimes he screams insisting that I stay in his room. Other nights, I can walk right now. Friday night it took 40 minutes and four tries before I could make it out of his room. Not perfect, but better than him falling asleep in bed with me.
I was already in my work out gear excited to get my evening work out in. I ran down the basement as soon as I started on the treadmill, Ethan woke up. I went back up and eventually got him back calmed down into bed. This ate up precious evening time so it was too late for me to get a work out in.
That was frustrating. I just wanted 45 minutes to work out.
I did evening chores, and got ready for bed myself. At around 1am, Ethan woke up screaming. If Lucas wasn’t in the room next door, we would have worked with him to go back to sleep in his crib. To avoid waking up everyone else in the house, I took him into the guest room and put him the portable crib.
This has been working pretty well recently. Ethan wants someone in the room with him, so I get sleep in the guest room bed, and Ethan sleeps in the portable crib. He gets his nighttime company, sleeps pretty well, and I get sleep too.
That night it didn’t work. He stood up in the crib and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. After about 45 minutes, Diana came in and somehow got him to calm down and he got to fell asleep in the portable crib.
At around 5:40am, Saturday morning, I awoke to Ethan asking for a drink of water. I pulled him out of his crib and sat him on the guest room bed with me. I unscrewed my water bottle for him, which he had previously drunk out of without any issues. Before I knew it, the bottle, which was an insulated one, spilled ice cold water all of over the sheets and all of over me.
What a great way to wake up on a Saturday.
Ethan had music class at 9:30 and you’d think since we got up around 6am, that we’d be ready to go with time to spare. Yeah…that didn’t happen. The boys all got fed and dressed for the day, but there was brother drama. Nothing out of the ordinary, but there was screaming. My lack of sleep the night before probably accounted for me moving at a slower pace. AND I had the joy of spending 45 minutes shoveling eight inches of heavy wet and slushy snow. I got Ethan to music class, hit the bakery afterwards, and then around noon, I finally got to eat some breakfast.
Saturday night was completely different.
That night Ethan fell asleep in my arms and I read to Ollie and I had no issues transferring to his bed. He slept in his own crib the entire night until 6am the next morning. The next morning went smoothly, and I actually ate breakfast at 7am. We all got out of the house and made it to the trampoline park that morning.
This is parenthood. Little to no sleep one night being woken up by ice cold water spilling all over you, and getting a full night’s sleep the next night. It’s really frustrating when you can’t do simple things like get a workout in, though the moments when things go well, are really awesome.
It’s amazing how bad things can feel one night and how much better than can feel just one day later.
Oh, and this past weekend we dealt with basement flooding issues.
So yeah. it’s been a blast.
Friday, January 17, 2020
Year 10: Week 18 – Back In Action...Kind of
This was a strange week.
It was my first week back from child-rearing leave after being away from about month and missing three weeks of school (winter break happened during my leave).
At the first parts of the week, I felt like I was in a surreal haze. Some of this had to do with my lack of sleep. but the other piece of it was that I didn’t feel like I was fully back into the swing of things. I had a ridiculous amount of emails to get through, and at the same time I was trying to figure out where my kids were at in their learning and what I needed to do to support the work they did when I was out.
I was very fortunate to have a great paternity substitute. He supported the curriculum I had laid out for him and went beyond, innovating and designing lessons that were interesting, educational, and enjoyable. We had our winter band performance this past Thursday and since my first day back was Tuesday, it didn’t really make sense for me to take over. So, he finished out the concert cycle and did and continued his great work.
It was really great to sit back and watch my students perform, and at the same time part of me wished that I could be more involved. It wasn’t a feeling based on the idea that I could do better than my sub. It was more a feeling of not quite knowing what to do with myself, and not having been in that position before.
I have a feeling of that I don’t know quite what I’m doing this week when I’m in front of my students. My first day of teaching, I couldn’t remember any of my students' names. It was really weird. It wasn’t until yesterday when things started to come together. And it was today when I felt back in control of my class and what I was doing.
What started working toward the end of the week was starting from square one and approaching my classes like I did the first day of school. I spent some time reestablishing norms, and processes. I kept things moving but also paused to be explicit about things that weren’t going well, and things that were happening that I really liked.
I am glad to be back to see my colleagues and feel the energy of my students. Next week, I will fully take control and do what I know I can do, and just get business. The time to hesitate is through. I got this, even though this week I didn't feel like I did.
On some level, Lucas becoming part of my life has changed me, and this has for sure effected the teacher that I am. I don’t know how and in what ways I am different but I feel that something has changed. I just can’t articulate what or how right now.
I do know that my colleagues did a fantastic job working with my substitute, and supported and honored my work when I was gone. For this I am very grateful. As I find patience in myself, I will once again find myself in the classroom.
It was my first week back from child-rearing leave after being away from about month and missing three weeks of school (winter break happened during my leave).
At the first parts of the week, I felt like I was in a surreal haze. Some of this had to do with my lack of sleep. but the other piece of it was that I didn’t feel like I was fully back into the swing of things. I had a ridiculous amount of emails to get through, and at the same time I was trying to figure out where my kids were at in their learning and what I needed to do to support the work they did when I was out.
I was very fortunate to have a great paternity substitute. He supported the curriculum I had laid out for him and went beyond, innovating and designing lessons that were interesting, educational, and enjoyable. We had our winter band performance this past Thursday and since my first day back was Tuesday, it didn’t really make sense for me to take over. So, he finished out the concert cycle and did and continued his great work.
It was really great to sit back and watch my students perform, and at the same time part of me wished that I could be more involved. It wasn’t a feeling based on the idea that I could do better than my sub. It was more a feeling of not quite knowing what to do with myself, and not having been in that position before.
I have a feeling of that I don’t know quite what I’m doing this week when I’m in front of my students. My first day of teaching, I couldn’t remember any of my students' names. It was really weird. It wasn’t until yesterday when things started to come together. And it was today when I felt back in control of my class and what I was doing.
What started working toward the end of the week was starting from square one and approaching my classes like I did the first day of school. I spent some time reestablishing norms, and processes. I kept things moving but also paused to be explicit about things that weren’t going well, and things that were happening that I really liked.
I am glad to be back to see my colleagues and feel the energy of my students. Next week, I will fully take control and do what I know I can do, and just get business. The time to hesitate is through. I got this, even though this week I didn't feel like I did.
On some level, Lucas becoming part of my life has changed me, and this has for sure effected the teacher that I am. I don’t know how and in what ways I am different but I feel that something has changed. I just can’t articulate what or how right now.
I do know that my colleagues did a fantastic job working with my substitute, and supported and honored my work when I was gone. For this I am very grateful. As I find patience in myself, I will once again find myself in the classroom.
Monday, January 13, 2020
Parenthood: Week 353 – Child-Rearing Leave
I have the privilege of having child-rearing leave, which unfortunately is not a universal right. My leave is an expression of the value that my school places on my life outside of school, and how they view parent's roles in children’s lives.
Male-identified cis-gender parents do no need child-rearing leave to recover from child-labor. Yes, for Lucas, I went an entire day with little to no sleep, but physically beside being tired, I could have gone back to work the next day. Diana could not.
So, what did I do during my child-rearing leave?
I got up early in the morning with Ethan and Ollie, got them breakfast and helped them get ready for school. I dropped both of them off. When I got home, I cooked, I cleaned, and I did laundry. I took care of various chores and projects around the house. In the early afternoon, I picked up my kids from school, did after school snacks, helped with homework and played with them. During this time, I cooked dinner, cleaned up around the house. We ate dinner and after dinner there was some more family time, and then bedtime routine.
During all of this time, I had time with Lucas, our new baby, cuddling with him, changing diapers, giving him a bath, and hanging out with him.
In short, I took care of things with my two older sons and the house so that Diana could physically recover from child labor and nurse Lucas. Diana did a great job with taking care of herself and Lucas, and even though it was our third son, it was still challenging and physically taxing for her.
It was a lot of work. There was always something to do, whether it was needing to clean poo out of a onesie, grocery shopping, or ordering more diapers. It was also a respite. I love my job as a teacher, but I haven’t really been away from my job in a very long time. I worked over the summer at my job and the planning and stress of work rarely leaves me. For this leave, more than my other two leaves, I was completely out of work mode.
Part of this had to do with the timing. Lucas was born two weeks before Winter break. The week right before winter break was our big elementary school performance, one of the biggest events of the school year and one of the most stressful times of year for me. So, I wasn’t there for this, and I knew that giving my substitute space to do the work without me hovering over would be the important for him to be successful. Also, there wasn’t much I could from long distance, so I let it go.
It was really nice to have a break from it all, and focus on my family. I don’t feel physically revitalized because newborns don’t sleep well, and Ethan, my 2-year-old expressed the addition of a brother in his life by not sleeping very well...and screaming in the middle of the night..multiple time…throughout the night and early morning (more about this later). I do feel my spirit brighter and my heart is more full. I’m thinking about tomorrow morning going back and how tired I’ll be, and also how excited I am to see my students and reconnect with my colleagues. It’s going to be a lot work to get back to it all and get back in the swing of things. I’m going to work hard at this, and I’m also going to try to make sure and pause and simply enjoy being back in the school that I love so much.
There were times during my leave when I felt like I had to do more than take a chest with my baby, or do something besides lovingly cradle and gaze at him as he looked up at me. In these moments I would smell Lucas’ head, and quiet the voice in my head.
My school gave me time off to cuddle my baby, and for this and seeing all that I am as important, I’m grateful.
Male-identified cis-gender parents do no need child-rearing leave to recover from child-labor. Yes, for Lucas, I went an entire day with little to no sleep, but physically beside being tired, I could have gone back to work the next day. Diana could not.
So, what did I do during my child-rearing leave?
I got up early in the morning with Ethan and Ollie, got them breakfast and helped them get ready for school. I dropped both of them off. When I got home, I cooked, I cleaned, and I did laundry. I took care of various chores and projects around the house. In the early afternoon, I picked up my kids from school, did after school snacks, helped with homework and played with them. During this time, I cooked dinner, cleaned up around the house. We ate dinner and after dinner there was some more family time, and then bedtime routine.
During all of this time, I had time with Lucas, our new baby, cuddling with him, changing diapers, giving him a bath, and hanging out with him.
In short, I took care of things with my two older sons and the house so that Diana could physically recover from child labor and nurse Lucas. Diana did a great job with taking care of herself and Lucas, and even though it was our third son, it was still challenging and physically taxing for her.
It was a lot of work. There was always something to do, whether it was needing to clean poo out of a onesie, grocery shopping, or ordering more diapers. It was also a respite. I love my job as a teacher, but I haven’t really been away from my job in a very long time. I worked over the summer at my job and the planning and stress of work rarely leaves me. For this leave, more than my other two leaves, I was completely out of work mode.
Part of this had to do with the timing. Lucas was born two weeks before Winter break. The week right before winter break was our big elementary school performance, one of the biggest events of the school year and one of the most stressful times of year for me. So, I wasn’t there for this, and I knew that giving my substitute space to do the work without me hovering over would be the important for him to be successful. Also, there wasn’t much I could from long distance, so I let it go.
It was really nice to have a break from it all, and focus on my family. I don’t feel physically revitalized because newborns don’t sleep well, and Ethan, my 2-year-old expressed the addition of a brother in his life by not sleeping very well...and screaming in the middle of the night..multiple time…throughout the night and early morning (more about this later). I do feel my spirit brighter and my heart is more full. I’m thinking about tomorrow morning going back and how tired I’ll be, and also how excited I am to see my students and reconnect with my colleagues. It’s going to be a lot work to get back to it all and get back in the swing of things. I’m going to work hard at this, and I’m also going to try to make sure and pause and simply enjoy being back in the school that I love so much.
There were times during my leave when I felt like I had to do more than take a chest with my baby, or do something besides lovingly cradle and gaze at him as he looked up at me. In these moments I would smell Lucas’ head, and quiet the voice in my head.
My school gave me time off to cuddle my baby, and for this and seeing all that I am as important, I’m grateful.
Friday, January 10, 2020
Top Ten of 2019: Part 5 - Dear Lucas
Dear Lucas,
As I type this, I feel your soft hair against my left cheek. The baby carrier is holding you cuddled against my chest. I sense your soft heartbeat against me and I see your body rise and fall gently as I breathe slowly. As I inhale through my nose, I smell the scent of your head, one of the most magical wonderful scents in the world, and I feel at peace.
Lucas, I want you to know that you were on my mind for most of 2019, and your presence in our lives motivated me to be a better person, inspired me to work hard for my community and my family, and gave me hope for the future.
Hope is a choice, and a force that needs to be nurtured. The two people who did this the most for me besides our family, who made me excited to bring you into this world more than anyone else was Brandi Carlile and Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Brandi Carlile is a musician, a singer and a songwriter and Senator Warren is a public servant, a teacher, and in my heart, I believe will be our next President.
Carlile started this year showing the world what I’ve known about her for years. Her performance of “The Joke,” at the Grammy’s was revelatory.
In the darkest moments of the past years, as we have suffered under the worst president in American history, it was Brandi’s music that got me through and gave me hope. Her music is powerful, personal, and challenging.
“The Joke” tells the story of those who are oppressed, and she reminds us all that the joke is on the oppressors. It’s explains that people who mean to do us harm, do far worse to themselves then they can ever do us. This song brings voice to those who do not have the place in society to be heard.
Carlile with joy, and grace kept working. As a member of The Highwomen, she co-created my favorite album of the year and she also helped produce Tanya Tucker’s While I’m Livin’ which is my second favorite album of 2019.
This led to my favorite teaching moment of the year, leading my 3rd graders in singing “Crowded Table,” by The Highwomen, a song that is everything I believe, and hope for in my life.
Brandi Carlile was successful this year because she used her power, and her position to bring voice to others. She continued to do more, dedicated herself to her family, and refused to stop fighting for others. She did all of this with incredible art that forced people to listen and pay attention.
2019 was a great year for me and the soundtrack of that year was Brandi Carlile.
Senator Elizabeth Warren was busy in 2019. There’s so many things I could tell you about, from how she chose to run her campaign to her many incredible speeches, and interviews.
The one moment that encapsulates everything that is important, and inspiring about Senator Warren happened when she was asked if she ever disappointed anyone who was close to her:
Senator Warren displayed in this moment everything that is takes to be a great leader. She was vulnerable, and respectful to her mother. She showed emotion, and also showed inner strength. In this moment she also reminded us that like all great leaders, she is a master teacher.
Her words continue to resonate long after they were spoken:
Understanding what is right and wrong is a lot more difficult than it seems, and the ones who do wrong, and do harm, ignore the good within and convince themselves of another path. I’ll help you with this because it matters that you do what is right no matter how hard it may be.
Lucas, I want to promise to you that nothing you could do could make me feel disappointed in you, but I don’t think that’s something I can do, or should do. Being disappointed in people is not always a bad thing and it’s part of how we learn from each other.
What I can promise you is that I will continue to love you completely, no matter what you do. If you feel that you have disappointed me, know that my love for you will not be any less in that moment, or in any other moment in your life.
Love,
Dad
As I type this, I feel your soft hair against my left cheek. The baby carrier is holding you cuddled against my chest. I sense your soft heartbeat against me and I see your body rise and fall gently as I breathe slowly. As I inhale through my nose, I smell the scent of your head, one of the most magical wonderful scents in the world, and I feel at peace.
Lucas, I want you to know that you were on my mind for most of 2019, and your presence in our lives motivated me to be a better person, inspired me to work hard for my community and my family, and gave me hope for the future.
Hope is a choice, and a force that needs to be nurtured. The two people who did this the most for me besides our family, who made me excited to bring you into this world more than anyone else was Brandi Carlile and Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Brandi Carlile is a musician, a singer and a songwriter and Senator Warren is a public servant, a teacher, and in my heart, I believe will be our next President.
Carlile started this year showing the world what I’ve known about her for years. Her performance of “The Joke,” at the Grammy’s was revelatory.
In the darkest moments of the past years, as we have suffered under the worst president in American history, it was Brandi’s music that got me through and gave me hope. Her music is powerful, personal, and challenging.
“The Joke” tells the story of those who are oppressed, and she reminds us all that the joke is on the oppressors. It’s explains that people who mean to do us harm, do far worse to themselves then they can ever do us. This song brings voice to those who do not have the place in society to be heard.
Carlile with joy, and grace kept working. As a member of The Highwomen, she co-created my favorite album of the year and she also helped produce Tanya Tucker’s While I’m Livin’ which is my second favorite album of 2019.
This led to my favorite teaching moment of the year, leading my 3rd graders in singing “Crowded Table,” by The Highwomen, a song that is everything I believe, and hope for in my life.
Brandi Carlile was successful this year because she used her power, and her position to bring voice to others. She continued to do more, dedicated herself to her family, and refused to stop fighting for others. She did all of this with incredible art that forced people to listen and pay attention.
2019 was a great year for me and the soundtrack of that year was Brandi Carlile.
Senator Elizabeth Warren was busy in 2019. There’s so many things I could tell you about, from how she chose to run her campaign to her many incredible speeches, and interviews.
The one moment that encapsulates everything that is important, and inspiring about Senator Warren happened when she was asked if she ever disappointed anyone who was close to her:
Senator Warren displayed in this moment everything that is takes to be a great leader. She was vulnerable, and respectful to her mother. She showed emotion, and also showed inner strength. In this moment she also reminded us that like all great leaders, she is a master teacher.
Her words continue to resonate long after they were spoken:
Sometimes you just got to do what’s right, inside, and hope that maybe the rest of the world will come around to it. And maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. The truth is that you got to take care of yourself first to do this.Senator Warren is living this by the way she is running her campaign, and the way she was run her life. She understands that being right sometimes is lonely and is not easy, and that being right and true to yourself is one of the most important ways that we take care of ourselves.
Understanding what is right and wrong is a lot more difficult than it seems, and the ones who do wrong, and do harm, ignore the good within and convince themselves of another path. I’ll help you with this because it matters that you do what is right no matter how hard it may be.
Lucas, I want to promise to you that nothing you could do could make me feel disappointed in you, but I don’t think that’s something I can do, or should do. Being disappointed in people is not always a bad thing and it’s part of how we learn from each other.
What I can promise you is that I will continue to love you completely, no matter what you do. If you feel that you have disappointed me, know that my love for you will not be any less in that moment, or in any other moment in your life.
Love,
Dad
Monday, January 6, 2020
Parenthood: Week 352 – Huggles
Ethan, my two-year-old really likes to cuddle.
If he had his choice while watching a television show, or taking a nap, he would cuddle close to me or Diana. At times Ethan’s growing independence is showing, however when he is nervous, not sure what to do, or when it’s clear the me or Diana have something that we need to do, he will ask for one of us to hug and cuddle him. We affectionately call this asking for “huggles.”
Physical contact and loving affection is essential to emotional well-being, and development. One of the important and really wonderful benefits of being a parent is that there is a lot of physical contact involved. Thankfully we are past the time when people are discouraged from physical affection with their children. I completely embrace Dr. Spock’s advice (the child psychologist, not the Vulcan) and whenever I want to hug my child, or show them physical affection, I do.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
The other day Ethan got up around 6:30am. He woke up asking for me, so I got him out of his crib, and carried him over to the guest room. We cuddled in bed together and fell asleep. 7:30am hit and I rolled out of bed to get going for the morning. Immediately, Ethan woke up and began crying for me to hug him more. We had literally cuddled for an entire hour and he wanted more.
Ethan’s insistence on being held and cuddled often happens when I’m trying to cook dinner, eat breakfast, and clean up the house. It has happened when I’m sitting on the toilet trying to take care of my business. I’m not joking.
In these situations, I’ll give him a short hug, try to get him distracted with a toy or a television show, or I just let him scream. I love him, but he needs to learn that I have limits to my affection and physical affection requires consent.
There are times that I wish that Ethan would stop this, but most of the time, I brush it off and put my annoyance aside, because I know it’s finite.
I can’t bring to mind the last time Ollie, my six-year-old asked for a hug.
Ollie will cuddle with me when I climb into bed with him or pull him close to me when we are watching television, but he doesn’t ask for hugs the way he used to, the way Ethan does anymore. Ollie doesn’t push me a way when I initiate and I can tell from his body language that sometimes he wants me to and doesn't ask
This morning I was waiting for the waffle iron to heat up and Ollie walked silently into the kitchen. Today was the first day back to school after winter break, so I knew it was going to be a challenge for Ollie. He stood there silently next to me. I looked down at him, and I opened my arms up to Ollie. He reached up and picked him up and held him against my chest as he wrapped his legs around my waist.
The silence in the house focused my attention on Ollie. I could feel his heartbeat as his chest pressed against mine. My arms held Ollie and as I adjusted my grip, Ollie’s body would move in me arms like a dance.
The “beep” of the waffle iron startled both of us and we both laughed. It was like a call back to reality from a special place where time didn’t seem to exists and we felt like the only two people in the world.
The way we interact physically with our children changes over time. There will be a time when I can't pick up one of my children and cuddle them. I know I will miss it, and I know part of me will want to reach out for a huggle.
I'm not there yet, so I'm going to enjoy the huggles that I got my children. Embrace the ones that are request and make sure that I'm available for the ones not asked for, but needed just as much.
If he had his choice while watching a television show, or taking a nap, he would cuddle close to me or Diana. At times Ethan’s growing independence is showing, however when he is nervous, not sure what to do, or when it’s clear the me or Diana have something that we need to do, he will ask for one of us to hug and cuddle him. We affectionately call this asking for “huggles.”
Physical contact and loving affection is essential to emotional well-being, and development. One of the important and really wonderful benefits of being a parent is that there is a lot of physical contact involved. Thankfully we are past the time when people are discouraged from physical affection with their children. I completely embrace Dr. Spock’s advice (the child psychologist, not the Vulcan) and whenever I want to hug my child, or show them physical affection, I do.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
The other day Ethan got up around 6:30am. He woke up asking for me, so I got him out of his crib, and carried him over to the guest room. We cuddled in bed together and fell asleep. 7:30am hit and I rolled out of bed to get going for the morning. Immediately, Ethan woke up and began crying for me to hug him more. We had literally cuddled for an entire hour and he wanted more.
Ethan’s insistence on being held and cuddled often happens when I’m trying to cook dinner, eat breakfast, and clean up the house. It has happened when I’m sitting on the toilet trying to take care of my business. I’m not joking.
In these situations, I’ll give him a short hug, try to get him distracted with a toy or a television show, or I just let him scream. I love him, but he needs to learn that I have limits to my affection and physical affection requires consent.
There are times that I wish that Ethan would stop this, but most of the time, I brush it off and put my annoyance aside, because I know it’s finite.
I can’t bring to mind the last time Ollie, my six-year-old asked for a hug.
Ollie will cuddle with me when I climb into bed with him or pull him close to me when we are watching television, but he doesn’t ask for hugs the way he used to, the way Ethan does anymore. Ollie doesn’t push me a way when I initiate and I can tell from his body language that sometimes he wants me to and doesn't ask
This morning I was waiting for the waffle iron to heat up and Ollie walked silently into the kitchen. Today was the first day back to school after winter break, so I knew it was going to be a challenge for Ollie. He stood there silently next to me. I looked down at him, and I opened my arms up to Ollie. He reached up and picked him up and held him against my chest as he wrapped his legs around my waist.
The silence in the house focused my attention on Ollie. I could feel his heartbeat as his chest pressed against mine. My arms held Ollie and as I adjusted my grip, Ollie’s body would move in me arms like a dance.
The “beep” of the waffle iron startled both of us and we both laughed. It was like a call back to reality from a special place where time didn’t seem to exists and we felt like the only two people in the world.
The way we interact physically with our children changes over time. There will be a time when I can't pick up one of my children and cuddle them. I know I will miss it, and I know part of me will want to reach out for a huggle.
I'm not there yet, so I'm going to enjoy the huggles that I got my children. Embrace the ones that are request and make sure that I'm available for the ones not asked for, but needed just as much.
Friday, January 3, 2020
Top Ten of 2019: Part 4 - Kamala & Diane
4. Kamala Harris
Senator Kamala Harris was like a professional level tennis player, and Bill Barr was a country club amateur who thought he understood how to play the game. Barr may have sparred against people of the caliber of Senator Harris, however it was very clear in this exchange that he had never had dealt with a powerful Black women of authority. You could see that his brain couldn’t compute how someone who looked like Senator Harris could be beating him so effortlessly in this exchange. Senator Harris sensed this, having dealt with men like Barr, who had low expectations for Harris because of her race and gender.
So she leaned in, let Burr have it, and I cheered.
We have far too few people in power who are women and far too few people of color in power. Senator Harris is the perfect intersectionality between these two facets of identity. Most people have bosses that are white men, so most people when they think of elevating people to positions of power look to white men. Senator Harris pushed through this, against the odds and became on of the most powerful and important voices in 2019.
In hearing after hearing, Senator Harris demonstrated the strength of her intellect, and never let herself be badgered or intimidating by witness who looked down on her and underestimated her. These white men who never had dealt with a Black women in power looked like fools as their own prejudice ill-equipped them to handle this master litigator. These hearings revealed crimes, and also prejudice and racism in the witness an also in Republican committee members who tried, unsuccessfully to hinder Senator Harris’ work.
No, Senator Harris will not win the Presidential election in 2020. That doesn’t mean that her campaign was a waste of time. Her message was powerful, important, and inspiring. She got further than any other Black woman had ever gotten in a primaries. Yes, systemic racism within the structure of the Democratic primary process hindered her work, but she stayed in the fight like she did so many other times when the game was set up for her to lose.
I was energized when she announced she was running for president and I was crushed when she announced that she was suspending her campaign. Close to the time when a billionaire literally bought his way onto a debate stage with his own money, Senator Harris’ struggles with campaign finances, highlighted one of the great inequities in our country.
I am so grateful for Senator Harris. With multiple systems of oppression working against her, she has done more than most imagined for her. Her position, and her intellect is an affront to the racists and sexists in America, and her continued deliberate use of her position to inspire and elevate others continues to motivate me to be a better citizen.
Senator Harris' campaign gave our collective imagination of a vision of what will be, a Black woman president. This glimpse, this idea that a Black woman could reach the highest office awoke in myself, and many other Americans that there is greater potential in those who do not have power in our system than we currently see, and we need to do something to change that.
Those who are working desperately to maintain power in the white patriarchy may have seen a victory when Senator Harris dropped out of the campaign. However, they will be rudely reminded of her power in the impeachment hearings, and the growing number of Black woman inspired by Senator Harris, who will reach positions of power, and make reality Senator Harris' vision for America.
3. Diane Guerrero
It was a short scene, from the perspective of a person passing by a room.
A dingy courtroom was filled with children. These children were wearing dirty clothing. They looked tired, confused and scared. At the front of the room a child, not much older than my own 6-year-old son, Ollie, stood there in the front of the court. The judge as the child if he understood that he was accused of the crime of illegally crossing the border. The child stared back the judge, clearly not understanding the judge’s words and the situation. Tears were in my eyes as I watched this scene.
This scene from the last season of Orange Is The New Black was unforgettable. It was the portraying what has been going on at the border as our government continues to separate children from their families and try them in courts. Often parents are sent out of America without their children. Sometime the children stay in America as our government has essentially kidnapped these children.
There are many horrible policies, and crimes, trump and his administration is responsible for and one of the worst is what they are doing to people who attempting to cross the border, many of them legally seeking asylum. It’s a story that unfortunately has fallen to the backs of our minds, however the atrocities at the border and what we are doing to these people continue and will have after effects that we will be dealing with for generations. The children of the children, of the children of these victums will feel the emotional trauma we have inflicted on them, as well as the economic effects of our racism, and xenophobia.
Diane Guerrero, an actress who had her break on Orange Is The New Black, bravely told the story how her parents were deported when she was a child in her book, In the Country We Love. It’s a book that tells the story of the consequences of our immigration policies and brings voice and humanity to people that so many try to humanize and silence. It’s an essential read, and Guerrero’s bravery in telling her story and her continues advocacy is a moral voice, that we so desperately need in our country.
Guerrero’s character in Orange In The New Black faced the same challenges and trauma that the possibility of deportation that her parents and her brother faced in real life. With incredible acting, Guerrero brought humanity to this role and adding the important emotional connection to these victims.
Diane Guerrero has forever changed that way I see America. There are crimes in our present which like the sins of our past complicate, and challenge assertions of patriotism and American pride. I see now that trump and his administration's actions against people who are undocumented and those at the border are evil. And greatness in America has never been in guys like trump who are willing to rip babies away from mothers and allows kids to die in custody to maintain power.
American greatness is in people like Diane Guerrero who in the face of evil, speak loudly, and fight for what is right.
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