When we told Ollie that we would be staying home from school, and would be doing school at home, he literally did a happy dance.
Ollie is six-years old. He is turnings seven-years old, next month. He cannot fully comprehend what is going on and the shear trauma, and human suffering that is going on in the world. Most adults cannot fully understand all that is going on. The science cannot fully explain all of the wonderings that bring anxiety to adults around the world. In addition to the evolving nature of this pandemic, the sitting President of the United States’ destructive words and actions is resulting in incredible mental trauma and is leading to unnecessary deaths.
Diana has done a great job explaining our new normal to Ollie. She explains things that in a calm, and clear way that he can understand. Ollie gets that the playgrounds are dirty, and that we need to have space away from other people. There is sadness at times, especially around the distance from my parents, a plane flight away in Seattle. However, his demonstrated mood overall has been generally positive.
It’s a blessing in some ways that Ollie cannot understand all that is going on in the world. This means that much of the anxiety that us adults are experiencing he doesn’t carry. That lack of knowledge also means that he doesn’t fully understand the importance of adjustments in our lives. Ollie doesn’t get why me and Diana at times are feel more stress and may need Ollie to do things. It feels like at times that we need him to step up, and try harder to help us and his brothers get through the day. Would I still have that feeling without the pandemic? I’m not sure. We have always encouraged Ollie to be more independent, and take on bigger roles in his family as his is getting older. All of this feels different in a way that I can’t quite articulate.
I’m really proud of how Ollie has been handling this period of that time that we’ve been at home. He’s shown great growth academically, and more often than not he gets along with his brothers. There are tough moments when we are overwhelmed by his younger brothers, he almost never gives me push back, when we ask him to wait. I’m trying really hard to make sure that we don’t take this for granted and find one on one time.
Lucas and Ethan need to be cuddled, and so does Ollie. The difference is that Ollie doesn’t demand cuddles in the same way that his brothers do. It is tough among the crying, the diapers, but it’s important. Yes, he’s the big brother, but he’s not that big.
Some day Ollie will understand what he lived through during this time in his life. However, right now I just need Ollie to be a kid, to laugh, to grow, to be silly, and see the wonder in the world.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Friday, April 24, 2020
Year 10: Week 31 – The Path Ahead
This week we entered a new stage in the school year.
Last Friday the governor announced that we would not be going back to our school buildings to teach for the remainder of the year and that distance learning would continue. What was once temporary, was now permanent. No longer we were going to teach wondering, hoping and planning for the possibility that we would return to our building. We are now planning for the rest of the year to continue as we have been for the past couple weeks, teaching away from our students, other teachers, administration and our wonderful staff members.
One of the most difficult things was planning for contingencies, one week at a time without a clear idea of where we were going. Now that we have a clear idea of what is ahead of us, we have to make decisions about how to we end the school year.
I always have mixed feelings about the end of the school year. I don’t count down the days, and I don’t make a big deal about how we wrap up the year in classes. Yes, we have concerts and graduations, and these things are important, but so is every other day of the year. I work hard to make sure that meaning is spread throughout the learning process. I love the concerts, but more than that I love the journey, and the finality of it all. The finite nature of the school year comes through during the final weeks, and it’s always difficult to see the time run out.
I don’t want to make too big a deal of this time, because the larger journey is important is acknowledge. At the same time the end of the year is a wonderful time to reflect, celebrate, and share all of the hard work from the school year with each other.
I haven’t fully let go of what cannot be done remotely, but I will eventually. There are still things we can still do, with pride, and joy that can be felt across the internet and into home all across the city. That is not the power of technology, that is the power of positivity, and kindness, that my students bring into each other’s lives when they chose, more often than not, to be for each other.
Like everything about this year, it seems like that what I want to do, what my students may need from me in the end of the school may be different than in other years. It feels like the end of this school year will be the second chapter of a trilogy, an ending with much left unresolved, and work left to be done in the next chapter.
The story of this year will not be done in June. What has changed this school year will not magically disappear in the Fall. It is without doubt that bringing out students back to our school in the fall will be far more difficult than sending them home this past spring. And with the addition of the Presidential election, next fall will be one of the, if not the most challenging time to be a teacher in American history.
I am hopeful, and excited to face the fall because unlike in the past Spring, the journey ahead and our destination are clear. The challenges are known, and hard decisions will have to be made, but we can do this. As Springsteen sings in “Jack Of All Trades":
Last Friday the governor announced that we would not be going back to our school buildings to teach for the remainder of the year and that distance learning would continue. What was once temporary, was now permanent. No longer we were going to teach wondering, hoping and planning for the possibility that we would return to our building. We are now planning for the rest of the year to continue as we have been for the past couple weeks, teaching away from our students, other teachers, administration and our wonderful staff members.
One of the most difficult things was planning for contingencies, one week at a time without a clear idea of where we were going. Now that we have a clear idea of what is ahead of us, we have to make decisions about how to we end the school year.
I always have mixed feelings about the end of the school year. I don’t count down the days, and I don’t make a big deal about how we wrap up the year in classes. Yes, we have concerts and graduations, and these things are important, but so is every other day of the year. I work hard to make sure that meaning is spread throughout the learning process. I love the concerts, but more than that I love the journey, and the finality of it all. The finite nature of the school year comes through during the final weeks, and it’s always difficult to see the time run out.
I don’t want to make too big a deal of this time, because the larger journey is important is acknowledge. At the same time the end of the year is a wonderful time to reflect, celebrate, and share all of the hard work from the school year with each other.
I haven’t fully let go of what cannot be done remotely, but I will eventually. There are still things we can still do, with pride, and joy that can be felt across the internet and into home all across the city. That is not the power of technology, that is the power of positivity, and kindness, that my students bring into each other’s lives when they chose, more often than not, to be for each other.
Like everything about this year, it seems like that what I want to do, what my students may need from me in the end of the school may be different than in other years. It feels like the end of this school year will be the second chapter of a trilogy, an ending with much left unresolved, and work left to be done in the next chapter.
The story of this year will not be done in June. What has changed this school year will not magically disappear in the Fall. It is without doubt that bringing out students back to our school in the fall will be far more difficult than sending them home this past spring. And with the addition of the Presidential election, next fall will be one of the, if not the most challenging time to be a teacher in American history.
I am hopeful, and excited to face the fall because unlike in the past Spring, the journey ahead and our destination are clear. The challenges are known, and hard decisions will have to be made, but we can do this. As Springsteen sings in “Jack Of All Trades":
We stood the drought, now we’ll stand the flood.
There’s a new world coming, I can see the light.
I’m a jack of all trades, we’ll be all right.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Parenthood: Week 367 – Morning Routine
At some point late at night, or early in the morning Ethan will wake up. Sometimes it’s a 2am, at the latest it’s 6:00am. Either way it’s before I’m ready to get up in the morning. Sometimes he just cries, other times he asked directly for me. His room is right next door. In our room, in a mini-crib Lucas sleeps, and we don’t want to wake him up, so I hurry out of bed to comfort Ethan so he doesn’t wake up Lucas.
I carry Ethan into bed with me and I place him on the left side of my body. As I pull him close, I tuck his right arm down against his side. If i I didn’t that arm would be reaching up and grabbing at the skin at my neck, as he slept which is not a good time at all. His right goes up to his mouth and he simultaneously sucks him thumb and grabs my shirt color with his hand.
Around 7:00, I usually get out of bed. Some days, Ollie has gotten up and is cuddling in bed with us, other times he’s still asleep. If I can convince Ethan to go cuddle with Diana, he remains quiet and in a good mood. Other times he protests in disbelief that I will not cuddle with him anymore. While I get Ethan and Ollie downstairs, Diana gets a little bit more sleep. She takes care of Lucas and nurses him in the night or early morning, so this is a time that she can get some sleep. At some point when I make breakfast for the other boys, Lucas will get up, and Diana will take care of him and nurse him.
For Ollie breakfast is easy. I reheat a Belgium waffle. I make batches of them once a week, and then just toast them to head them up. Ollie usually wants to follow-up the waffle with a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, one Ollie’s favorite snacks.
Breakfast for Ethan is more of a challenge. Sometime he’s very hungry and need food immediately, usually in the form of Animal Crackers. Other times he will eat happily, especially if he sees Ollie eating. Lately however, Ethan will got downstairs and play with some toys. This is great because it keeps him engaged while I get breakfast ready. The downside is that it’s hard for me to get him to eat breakfast when he’s in playtime mode. So there ends up on the table a variety of food on the table that I gave him that is mostly uneaten.
On the good days, I sit with my sons as they eat. Ethan and Ollie have a great time eating breakfast together. They don’t really have conversations but there’s a lot of smiling, giggling and gestures. Some of this distracts Ethan from eating, but more often than not I let it go.
Ollie almost always finish his breakfast. After eating he will lie down on the couch under a blanket, which is often the first thing he does when he comes downstairs. During this time is usually when I eat. I play him a podcast during this time or one of his favorite musical soundtracks. Sometimes he stays under the blanket and listen, other times music inspires him to get up and dance and sing.
Ethan combines his food when he’s done eating pouring his milk onto his plate or sticking scraps of food in his drinking cup. It’s often a struggle to get him off his seat as he enjoys making a mess.
I’ll remind Ollie to go upstairs and change clothes for the day, which he does willingly as I help Ethan get dressed. Around this time, Diana comes downstairs and takes over so I can get dressed and ready for the day. She deals with the post-breakfast fights that periodically happen between Ollie and Ethan, while she eats. Lucas usually is laying on the floor in a blanket, fascinated by his brother’s, watching them as they play.
I carry Ethan into bed with me and I place him on the left side of my body. As I pull him close, I tuck his right arm down against his side. If i I didn’t that arm would be reaching up and grabbing at the skin at my neck, as he slept which is not a good time at all. His right goes up to his mouth and he simultaneously sucks him thumb and grabs my shirt color with his hand.
Around 7:00, I usually get out of bed. Some days, Ollie has gotten up and is cuddling in bed with us, other times he’s still asleep. If I can convince Ethan to go cuddle with Diana, he remains quiet and in a good mood. Other times he protests in disbelief that I will not cuddle with him anymore. While I get Ethan and Ollie downstairs, Diana gets a little bit more sleep. She takes care of Lucas and nurses him in the night or early morning, so this is a time that she can get some sleep. At some point when I make breakfast for the other boys, Lucas will get up, and Diana will take care of him and nurse him.
For Ollie breakfast is easy. I reheat a Belgium waffle. I make batches of them once a week, and then just toast them to head them up. Ollie usually wants to follow-up the waffle with a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, one Ollie’s favorite snacks.
Breakfast for Ethan is more of a challenge. Sometime he’s very hungry and need food immediately, usually in the form of Animal Crackers. Other times he will eat happily, especially if he sees Ollie eating. Lately however, Ethan will got downstairs and play with some toys. This is great because it keeps him engaged while I get breakfast ready. The downside is that it’s hard for me to get him to eat breakfast when he’s in playtime mode. So there ends up on the table a variety of food on the table that I gave him that is mostly uneaten.
On the good days, I sit with my sons as they eat. Ethan and Ollie have a great time eating breakfast together. They don’t really have conversations but there’s a lot of smiling, giggling and gestures. Some of this distracts Ethan from eating, but more often than not I let it go.
Ollie almost always finish his breakfast. After eating he will lie down on the couch under a blanket, which is often the first thing he does when he comes downstairs. During this time is usually when I eat. I play him a podcast during this time or one of his favorite musical soundtracks. Sometimes he stays under the blanket and listen, other times music inspires him to get up and dance and sing.
Ethan combines his food when he’s done eating pouring his milk onto his plate or sticking scraps of food in his drinking cup. It’s often a struggle to get him off his seat as he enjoys making a mess.
I’ll remind Ollie to go upstairs and change clothes for the day, which he does willingly as I help Ethan get dressed. Around this time, Diana comes downstairs and takes over so I can get dressed and ready for the day. She deals with the post-breakfast fights that periodically happen between Ollie and Ethan, while she eats. Lucas usually is laying on the floor in a blanket, fascinated by his brother’s, watching them as they play.
Friday, April 17, 2020
Year 10: Week 30 - Still A Teacher
I knew that the news was coming. For the last couple days, there were reports that there would be an announcement that would come from the governor about what would happen with schools for the remainder of the school year. All signs were pointing towards school being cancelled for the remainder of the school year. Other states had already made this call, and there just wasn’t a logical way for us to open by the previous return date, April 30th.
I figured out a couple weeks ago, that the easiest way to look ahead, and plan for the future was to assume that we would not come back to the building this school year. For me, it was easier to plan not to come back and be surprised if we do come back then to plan for a return in May.
The most amount of anxiety I had as a teacher was not knowing for sure if we would be going back to school. I couldn’t plan ahead because I didn’t know basic circumstances of teaching situations. So, I got used to taking things one week at a time, and let go of the future. So often music teachers get focused working towards the future instead of making the present meaningful.
We get stuck thinking more about preparing for a concert than making sure the classes leading up to the performance have meaning outside of the concert, outside of the future. If all you do is look ahead, you miss all of the great things that can happen in the present.
I did pretty well when they initially cancelled school, and each time that our time off was extended, but the announcement that we were out for the rest of the year hit me hard. I found out in the middle of a meeting, and it took a lot of effort to keep it together in that moment. I was holding out more hope than I realized that we would be back in school this spring. Later, watching a performance of “Viva La Vida,” holding both Ethan and Lucas, the tears finally came out and I let myself feel a deep sadness that I had been avoiding for weeks.
I’m sad because I will not be able to say goodbye to my students at the end of the year. I’m sad because I won’t be there to help that student see that they really can do what they think they cannot. And I’m sad because amazing moments that I cannot foresee, that happen every day when we share our wonderful building with my wonderful colleagues and my students will not happen.
Not all is lost. I do have the ability, as I have been for the past month, to teach my students remotely. My colleagues and administration are with me every step of the way. And I’m blessed with resources.
My work will not be as effective as it would be if I shared a classroom with my students. My teaching is not as smooth online, and my lessons lack the benefit of years of development, but I’m still here. I’m still damn good at my job, and I can still make a difference in my students’ lives.
I'm still a teacher.
I figured out a couple weeks ago, that the easiest way to look ahead, and plan for the future was to assume that we would not come back to the building this school year. For me, it was easier to plan not to come back and be surprised if we do come back then to plan for a return in May.
The most amount of anxiety I had as a teacher was not knowing for sure if we would be going back to school. I couldn’t plan ahead because I didn’t know basic circumstances of teaching situations. So, I got used to taking things one week at a time, and let go of the future. So often music teachers get focused working towards the future instead of making the present meaningful.
We get stuck thinking more about preparing for a concert than making sure the classes leading up to the performance have meaning outside of the concert, outside of the future. If all you do is look ahead, you miss all of the great things that can happen in the present.
I did pretty well when they initially cancelled school, and each time that our time off was extended, but the announcement that we were out for the rest of the year hit me hard. I found out in the middle of a meeting, and it took a lot of effort to keep it together in that moment. I was holding out more hope than I realized that we would be back in school this spring. Later, watching a performance of “Viva La Vida,” holding both Ethan and Lucas, the tears finally came out and I let myself feel a deep sadness that I had been avoiding for weeks.
I’m sad because I will not be able to say goodbye to my students at the end of the year. I’m sad because I won’t be there to help that student see that they really can do what they think they cannot. And I’m sad because amazing moments that I cannot foresee, that happen every day when we share our wonderful building with my wonderful colleagues and my students will not happen.
Not all is lost. I do have the ability, as I have been for the past month, to teach my students remotely. My colleagues and administration are with me every step of the way. And I’m blessed with resources.
My work will not be as effective as it would be if I shared a classroom with my students. My teaching is not as smooth online, and my lessons lack the benefit of years of development, but I’m still here. I’m still damn good at my job, and I can still make a difference in my students’ lives.
I'm still a teacher.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Parenthood: Week 366 - Week of 4/5/20
ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!
Ethan wanted animal crackers at 1am. So, I got up, pulled him out of this crib, and brought him to our guest room. He actually settled down pretty quickly, and waited for me to grab him a snack and something to drink. Half awake, I sat on the guest bedroom bed, waiting for Ethan to finish his snack.
After a couple minutes he walked over to me signaling that he was done with his snack and that he wanted me to cuddle him. I pulled Ethan into my arms and cradled him in my arms. I started playing the “Ethan Opera” playlist on my phone, and after an Aria, a duet, and an instrumental intermezzo, Ethan was back asleep. I carefully put him in the portable crib we had set up in the guest room.
BAND-AID!!
I initially thought Ethan was hurt, but no I realized quickly, he simply wanted a band-aid. Ethan got a scrape on his knee a couple days ago and got obsessed with these Mickey Mouse band-aids. Even though he had absolutely no need for a band-aid, I’ve been giving in and just putting them on his knee to make him happy. Now, at 3:30am, he was demanding for a band-aid, not for the knee that was previously injured, which already HAD a band-aid on it but for his other leg. Too tired to argue or debate with him, I got him another Mickey Mouse band-aid put it on his knee.
Ethan went back to sleep in his crib, quicker than before. He slept peacefully for a couple hours until 5:30 when he asked to cuddle in bed with me. Too tired to argue, I pulled him into my bed and cuddled him close to me. I was tired, but I still pulled him close, glad that in all of the chaos of the world, I could make him feel safe.
Lucas is doing amazing. He's a little bit more than 4 months old. His smile which was once challenging to catch lights up his face almost every time I look at him. Lucas has developed the cutest baby laugh and he wonderful little chirps and murmurs. Like with other babies, as his head is growing bigger his hair is seeming to thin. At the same time his hair is getting longer and it’s growing into cute little curls like Ollie had when he was a baby.
Lucas’ cheeks are getting beyond chubby, and he is growing wonderfully. He rolls over onto his stomach pretty consistently, though sometimes he gets stuck and needs help rolling onto his back. It’s super cute.
The good part about this crisis is that Lucas’ naps are not interrupted by drop offs and pick-ups, and that he has all of us around him all of the time. He learns by watching his brothers and us around the house. All of us have more time to play with him in our own ways. Buffy sits close to him and lets him grab her fur. Ethan tries to cuddle with him and lays on top of him. Recently he wanted to share his toys with Lucas so he just piled them on top of him. Ollie sat down next to me earlier this week and asked to hold Lucas. I placed Lucas in his arms and he carefully kissed him on the forehead. I am so proud of how Ethan and Ollie take care of their baby brother.
Lucas is hope, and he’s light. He’s an important reminder that the best thing we can do for each other is to share our time, love, and attention. Lucas doesn’t want any toys, or even to go anywhere outside of the house. He just wants to know that we are with him, and that he is loved.
Ethan wanted animal crackers at 1am. So, I got up, pulled him out of this crib, and brought him to our guest room. He actually settled down pretty quickly, and waited for me to grab him a snack and something to drink. Half awake, I sat on the guest bedroom bed, waiting for Ethan to finish his snack.
After a couple minutes he walked over to me signaling that he was done with his snack and that he wanted me to cuddle him. I pulled Ethan into my arms and cradled him in my arms. I started playing the “Ethan Opera” playlist on my phone, and after an Aria, a duet, and an instrumental intermezzo, Ethan was back asleep. I carefully put him in the portable crib we had set up in the guest room.
BAND-AID!!
I initially thought Ethan was hurt, but no I realized quickly, he simply wanted a band-aid. Ethan got a scrape on his knee a couple days ago and got obsessed with these Mickey Mouse band-aids. Even though he had absolutely no need for a band-aid, I’ve been giving in and just putting them on his knee to make him happy. Now, at 3:30am, he was demanding for a band-aid, not for the knee that was previously injured, which already HAD a band-aid on it but for his other leg. Too tired to argue or debate with him, I got him another Mickey Mouse band-aid put it on his knee.
Ethan went back to sleep in his crib, quicker than before. He slept peacefully for a couple hours until 5:30 when he asked to cuddle in bed with me. Too tired to argue, I pulled him into my bed and cuddled him close to me. I was tired, but I still pulled him close, glad that in all of the chaos of the world, I could make him feel safe.
*****
Lucas is doing amazing. He's a little bit more than 4 months old. His smile which was once challenging to catch lights up his face almost every time I look at him. Lucas has developed the cutest baby laugh and he wonderful little chirps and murmurs. Like with other babies, as his head is growing bigger his hair is seeming to thin. At the same time his hair is getting longer and it’s growing into cute little curls like Ollie had when he was a baby.
Lucas’ cheeks are getting beyond chubby, and he is growing wonderfully. He rolls over onto his stomach pretty consistently, though sometimes he gets stuck and needs help rolling onto his back. It’s super cute.
The good part about this crisis is that Lucas’ naps are not interrupted by drop offs and pick-ups, and that he has all of us around him all of the time. He learns by watching his brothers and us around the house. All of us have more time to play with him in our own ways. Buffy sits close to him and lets him grab her fur. Ethan tries to cuddle with him and lays on top of him. Recently he wanted to share his toys with Lucas so he just piled them on top of him. Ollie sat down next to me earlier this week and asked to hold Lucas. I placed Lucas in his arms and he carefully kissed him on the forehead. I am so proud of how Ethan and Ollie take care of their baby brother.
Lucas is hope, and he’s light. He’s an important reminder that the best thing we can do for each other is to share our time, love, and attention. Lucas doesn’t want any toys, or even to go anywhere outside of the house. He just wants to know that we are with him, and that he is loved.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Year 10: Week 29 - Lost In The Woods
SPRING BREAK!!!!
Well, let me explain. So when my school closed ,we started off with a week of break to give the teachers and families time to transition, and then we started up with distance learning. Other schools shifted their spring breaks earlier to give teachers the preparation time. Many other schools had spring breaks, which were earlier. This meant that these schools only had to get through a short chunk of time before going on break.
My school decided to not mess with the timing of Spring Break, which was this past week, so here we are on my last day of Spring Break.
If this pandemic wasn’t happening I would be on the way the back from Seattle after spending time with my parents, my brother and his family. I would be going through preparations for my 5th grade Middle Ages presentation, which happens soon after spring break while planning for the spring band concerts.
This is a stressful and exciting time of the year. Even though I’ve done these performances for the past ten years, there are always things that come up and unexpected challenges. There are also things that I look forward to every year in the process of putting these performances together. I love seeing the three 5th grade classes come together for the first time to rehearse, and seeing the incredible improvement over three days of work as a grade. I love being able to watch my band students get excited when they sit up on the stage and they hear the resonances of their sound surround them in the auditorium. And I love collaborating with the other music teachers in the department and being part of that team.
Instead right now, I’m trying to figure out some new technology to help with teaching. Also, I need to figure next steps in my curriculum. I was pretty much going week by week before break. When I look at what I usually teach, and curricular goals, many of them I had to put aside because they were not practical to do with distance learning. It’s really hard to know how to build and pace this curriculum without knowing for sure when we are going back. Yes, we have a date of April 30th to return, but this is the third return date that we’ve gotten. I suspect that it’s not going to be the last.
If it was safe for me to be back at school with my students, of course I would love that. At this point, I’ll take any time I can get with my students. However, not knowing for sure what I got with them is making it really hard to plan. I’m looking forward to having a solid plan for the rest of the school year so I can move forward with confidence as a teacher. Right now, it just feels like I’m taking a couple steps forwards with no clear direction where I am going, lost in the woods.
I'm looking forward to seeing my students online next week. This has been a hard situation as a teacher, but it's also been an adventure, and an opportunity to grow. Will this fundamentally change my job in the long term? Not sure, but that's a question for later.
Right now, I have to prepare for my students next week.
Well, let me explain. So when my school closed ,we started off with a week of break to give the teachers and families time to transition, and then we started up with distance learning. Other schools shifted their spring breaks earlier to give teachers the preparation time. Many other schools had spring breaks, which were earlier. This meant that these schools only had to get through a short chunk of time before going on break.
My school decided to not mess with the timing of Spring Break, which was this past week, so here we are on my last day of Spring Break.
If this pandemic wasn’t happening I would be on the way the back from Seattle after spending time with my parents, my brother and his family. I would be going through preparations for my 5th grade Middle Ages presentation, which happens soon after spring break while planning for the spring band concerts.
This is a stressful and exciting time of the year. Even though I’ve done these performances for the past ten years, there are always things that come up and unexpected challenges. There are also things that I look forward to every year in the process of putting these performances together. I love seeing the three 5th grade classes come together for the first time to rehearse, and seeing the incredible improvement over three days of work as a grade. I love being able to watch my band students get excited when they sit up on the stage and they hear the resonances of their sound surround them in the auditorium. And I love collaborating with the other music teachers in the department and being part of that team.
Instead right now, I’m trying to figure out some new technology to help with teaching. Also, I need to figure next steps in my curriculum. I was pretty much going week by week before break. When I look at what I usually teach, and curricular goals, many of them I had to put aside because they were not practical to do with distance learning. It’s really hard to know how to build and pace this curriculum without knowing for sure when we are going back. Yes, we have a date of April 30th to return, but this is the third return date that we’ve gotten. I suspect that it’s not going to be the last.
If it was safe for me to be back at school with my students, of course I would love that. At this point, I’ll take any time I can get with my students. However, not knowing for sure what I got with them is making it really hard to plan. I’m looking forward to having a solid plan for the rest of the school year so I can move forward with confidence as a teacher. Right now, it just feels like I’m taking a couple steps forwards with no clear direction where I am going, lost in the woods.
I'm looking forward to seeing my students online next week. This has been a hard situation as a teacher, but it's also been an adventure, and an opportunity to grow. Will this fundamentally change my job in the long term? Not sure, but that's a question for later.
Right now, I have to prepare for my students next week.
Monday, April 6, 2020
Parenthood: Week 365 – The Saddest Moment Of The Past Couple Weeks
One of the things that makes my family remarkable is also one of the most challenging things about my family.
My extended family is full of immigrants, and people who moved to different places, which have led my family to settle all around world, and many of us marrying people outside our race, culture, region, and religion. This has created a family that is diverse in many ways which has enriched all of our lives.
The problem with this is that unlike a family that all lives within the same city, or the same state, we don’t see each other as often as we would like. This is really tough. When I chose to go to college at Northwestern University, just north of Chicago, I had only had a vague idea of how hard it would be away from the rest of my family in Seattle. However, if I had I never made that choice and pushed through the homesickness, I would have never met my wife, and my three wonderful children would not exist.
We’ve done the best we can with this situation. Usually about three or four times a year we travel to Seattle and most years my parents come out to the Midwest to visit us. It’s an important part of our lives and my children really look forward to seeing my parents and spending time with their aunt and uncle (my brother), and their two cousins.
As Ollie has gotten older, he articulates more how much he looks forward to these trips back to Seattle. It’s really interesting. Even though, Ollie only sees his cousins a couple times a year, he talks about them a lot. Recently he was playing around with this idea that his brothers and cousins would all live together as adults and be in a band together. It’s really wonderful.
Like Ollie, I was looking forward to visiting during our Spring Break which is this week. As things progressed a couple weeks ago, it became clear that this was not going to happen. I was talking to my mom on the phone every couple days and I think we both knew that we had to cancel our trip to Seattle, but we didn’t say it out loud. When I finally brought it up, as I suspected, my mom agreed it wasn’t a good idea. She was holding out hope that somehow things would turn around but she knew there was no hope of that. I can’t remember a moment besides the time around her mother’s death that my mom was this sad about something.
The week school was cancelled I was eating dinner with Ollie. Diana was with the other boys doing something, so it was just us the two of us at the table. As he had done in the past weeks, he excitedly brought up our trip to Seattle and how he was going to play with his cousins and see my parents new condo.
In my most clear, and most gentle way possible, I explained that because of this virus, we would not be able to go to Seattle, and that we would see this part of our family as soon as we could during the summer.
I’ve seen Ollie sad when he breaks a toy, when we tell him he can’t watch more television, and when we don’t have time to play a game that he’s been looking forward to playing. This was different. There was no whining, or yelling, or an expression of anger. There was a quiet whimper of heartache and a look of loss as tears slowly filled his eyes. As my words dashed away months of envisioning wonderful moments of joy with his family, a little bit of the light in his spirit dimmed.
I don’t think I broke his heart, but it felt like I did.
I told Ollie that I was sad too, and I gestured for him to come towards me. He left his seat and climbed up into my lap and we cried together in silence holding onto one another.
Since that moment Ollie hasn’t talked about his cousins as much as he did before. I’m sure he will bring them back to mind soon and oncee again find the joy of thinking ahead of times they will spend together.
One day Ollie will understand how our lives are better because we live apart from members of our family. But right now, he doesn’t. Ollie just misses his family, and wonders when he will see them again.
My extended family is full of immigrants, and people who moved to different places, which have led my family to settle all around world, and many of us marrying people outside our race, culture, region, and religion. This has created a family that is diverse in many ways which has enriched all of our lives.
The problem with this is that unlike a family that all lives within the same city, or the same state, we don’t see each other as often as we would like. This is really tough. When I chose to go to college at Northwestern University, just north of Chicago, I had only had a vague idea of how hard it would be away from the rest of my family in Seattle. However, if I had I never made that choice and pushed through the homesickness, I would have never met my wife, and my three wonderful children would not exist.
We’ve done the best we can with this situation. Usually about three or four times a year we travel to Seattle and most years my parents come out to the Midwest to visit us. It’s an important part of our lives and my children really look forward to seeing my parents and spending time with their aunt and uncle (my brother), and their two cousins.
As Ollie has gotten older, he articulates more how much he looks forward to these trips back to Seattle. It’s really interesting. Even though, Ollie only sees his cousins a couple times a year, he talks about them a lot. Recently he was playing around with this idea that his brothers and cousins would all live together as adults and be in a band together. It’s really wonderful.
Like Ollie, I was looking forward to visiting during our Spring Break which is this week. As things progressed a couple weeks ago, it became clear that this was not going to happen. I was talking to my mom on the phone every couple days and I think we both knew that we had to cancel our trip to Seattle, but we didn’t say it out loud. When I finally brought it up, as I suspected, my mom agreed it wasn’t a good idea. She was holding out hope that somehow things would turn around but she knew there was no hope of that. I can’t remember a moment besides the time around her mother’s death that my mom was this sad about something.
The week school was cancelled I was eating dinner with Ollie. Diana was with the other boys doing something, so it was just us the two of us at the table. As he had done in the past weeks, he excitedly brought up our trip to Seattle and how he was going to play with his cousins and see my parents new condo.
In my most clear, and most gentle way possible, I explained that because of this virus, we would not be able to go to Seattle, and that we would see this part of our family as soon as we could during the summer.
I’ve seen Ollie sad when he breaks a toy, when we tell him he can’t watch more television, and when we don’t have time to play a game that he’s been looking forward to playing. This was different. There was no whining, or yelling, or an expression of anger. There was a quiet whimper of heartache and a look of loss as tears slowly filled his eyes. As my words dashed away months of envisioning wonderful moments of joy with his family, a little bit of the light in his spirit dimmed.
I don’t think I broke his heart, but it felt like I did.
I told Ollie that I was sad too, and I gestured for him to come towards me. He left his seat and climbed up into my lap and we cried together in silence holding onto one another.
Since that moment Ollie hasn’t talked about his cousins as much as he did before. I’m sure he will bring them back to mind soon and oncee again find the joy of thinking ahead of times they will spend together.
One day Ollie will understand how our lives are better because we live apart from members of our family. But right now, he doesn’t. Ollie just misses his family, and wonders when he will see them again.
Friday, April 3, 2020
Year 10: Week 28 - Parents Taking The Wheel
We didn’t hire for this, we didn’t evaluate for this, and we didn’t train for this, but we’re doing it because there’s a global pandemic and we’ve got to try to do what we can for our students.One of my principals reflected this to me as we were talking earlier today. His statement summed up the current situation for teachers all around the world. I shared with him something I had told some teachers in an earlier meeting that the administration only knew slightly more what was best for our students in this situation than the teachers, and he agreed.
Teachers are looking for something that isn’t there. Any guidelines that we are getting from administrators isn’t based on a wealth of research, and the advice that teachers are throwing around comes from experiences in the weeks, not the past years. The confidence I have when I speak about what is best is mostly based on my gut feeling.
There are a lot of things that are difficult in this situation for teachers. There’s learning new technology, trying to address savage inequities that effect students’ ability to do school work at home, and coming up with curriculum that can be taught remotely because for many of us significant parts of our curriculum cannot be adapt for distance learning. Then there’s all of the challenges of working from home, which for some is a situation of isolation, and for others it’s trying to work with children in the home.
One of the most significant challenges is that there is a fundamental paradigm shift in what we are doing. Teachers in a school setting are creating experiences for students to do in school, and secondarily for students to do outside of school as homework. Our primary considerations are focused on the classroom experience.
Right now, it’s completely different. We are creating educational experiences for students to do at home, that somehow need to weave into the setting of the students’ home-life. The atmosphere in which the student learn, where they do their lessons and who is in their home, is not in our control. Our students’ life situations whether it’s being a single-child who has a lot free time or a student who has to care for their younger siblings all day means that the commitment of our students learning is out of our hands. Home-life has more power than ever on our students’ education.
I feel that many teachers operate under the false illusion of the true power dynamics in their students’ lives. Parents can make meaningful, or undo any work that happens in the school. That has always been the case. In most cases, teachers are not the most influential person in their students’ lives. There is always a relationship between what we do as teachers, and how parents support their child’s education. In this crisis, for many this relationship is turning into a tension. Our students’ education more than ever is in the hands of the parents.
This means that we have to let go. It means that we have trust more, and it means that the tables are turned. No longer are parent supporting what is happening at school, we are supporting the families lives at home.
If we do this right, this will change us for the better, and at the end of this, we will be better from what we learned when we let the parents talk the wheel.
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