Year 10: Week 36 – Are we there yet?

Yesterday I taught my last class. Next week there’s a couple online events. I got grades to finish and then this school year, my 10th at this school, and my 14th overall as teachers will be, as they say, in the books.

This summer, I’ll be helping plan for the fall, serving a special committee to figure out how we are going to handle next year. I possibly have some other projects that are up the air, that will hopefully come together. Yes, I need a break from school, but I also know that the work is important for me to keep engaging in, and I do love this work.

Even in the past a couple months throughout all of the chaos and uncertainty, I still love being a teacher. Now that I’m on the other side of this, remote teaching really wasn’t that bad. It was a shadow at best of what I do in the classroom, but that shadow still had shape and meaning.

There was a lot of technology things that I had to figure out, and curriculum that I had to adapt, but that piece helped me grow as an educator. The things that I learned and the curricular work that I did will resonate when I’m teaching back in the classroom. In this way, the past couple months felt more like a continuation of the journey than a detour.

I’m very lucky and privileged as a teacher. I have a great administrative team that supports me, and teachers in my school are organized as part of the American Federation of Teachers (UNIONS!!), which has ensured that my students have gotten the best educational experience possible, while supporting the needs of teachers. My wonderful colleagues make dealing with challenges feel more like an adventure.

The job of being a remote teachers in the grand scheme of things is an amazing job to have in the current crisis. And I feel very fortunate to have a job I could do from home, that also serves others. Balancing this out with my home life was not fun at all, and that piece made doing the job very difficult, but the job itself was more good than bad.

Part of feeling the way I do right now is feeling very differently in past weeks. There were times that I really hated teaching students online, there were times that videos I made for my younger students felt like a waste of time, and there were times in the chaos of all that is going on in the world that my job felt pointless.

We need to have space to complain, but we can’t forget our privilege. It’s a balancing act between these two needs, but both are important.

Making it through the summer and the fall is all about learning to accept uncertainty. We will not know for sure what the fall will look like until August as the soonest, and even then, changes could be made that steers the school year in ways that we cannot predict and plan for. One way to come to terms with uncertainty is to remember that the important parts of our job have not changed.

We are still teachers who have the incredibly rewarding and essential job of serving the needs of children. We are still inspired by the spirit, energy, and ideas of the children that teach, and we  still have the opportunity to change the world into place that is more equitable, and more inclusive through the work that we do.

The important stuff hasn’t changed, no matter what the future brings.

Parenthood: Week 372 – The Summer Of '20

My first summer as a parent was wonderful.

Ollie was only one month old when summer break hit. We moved into a new house in June. This was very stressful and took a lot of work. Also, that summer I started teaching at a summer camp for the first time. It’s not the stresses of the move, the new house, and the new job that stay with me, it was all of those wonderful moments with Ollie and Diana that stay with me.

For my summer camp job, I taught for two hours and the school was very close to home. That job was an adventure, more fun than stressful, and I learned so much about teaching through this job. I’d get home by lunch and have whole afternoon with my special little guy and Diana.

This set the tone for the next couple summers. This was a time when I got to spend more time with Ollie and Diana, work in a different context and go on adventures with my family. We'd explore cultural intuitions in Chicago, spend with friends, and travel to Seattle to visit my parents and my brother’s family.

As Ollie got older, it became clear that he needed more than just me and Diana during the summer, so he started doing summer camps. It was hard at first to have that time away over the summer, but Diana found such wonderful camps that enriched his life that it became something I was excited for him to experience. Among these experiences was a beach camp, and a camp at the Botanical Gardens. In those years, I continued to work at the same camp.

Now everything is different. The music camp job, I no longer do. This was replaced for the past years with some great administrative work at my school. In-person summer camps, aren’t happening in June, and may not happen in July. We have three children now who have been home since March. There is no novelty of newness of our being together more as summer begins. How we experience time with our friends and cultural experiences in Chicago is uncertain. Even more difficult to accept is the possibility that for the first time since I moved to Chicago twenty years ago, I may not travel “home” to Seattle to see my parents and my brother’s family.

This time of year, that in the past we so anticipated is coming, and the uncertainty we learned to live with over the spring, has become an uncertainty about summer we cannot process and understand.

There will good times, and there will be frustrating times this summer. We will take calculated risks to create positive experiences for our children and we will try to move through the day with structure, optimism, and hope. This will be work, and effort, and it will be draining. It’s not what we signed up for as parents, but it’s what we got to do right now.

Between the frustration, the anger, and the stress, there will laughter, hugs, and joy. 

As I was holding Lucas today as he napped, I was reminded of holding Ollie during that first summer with him.  At that time, I didn't feel like I knew I was doing as a parents.  I had no idea how I would be able to go back to work, and how to manage all of the challenges Ollie brought into my life every day.  However, with Diana's help I figured it out, and as overwhelmed I feel about the summer, I know that we'll figure it out, together. 

Year 10: Week 35 - To The Parents

These are excerpts from the emails I sent my students' parents after their Zoom Sharing Event last Thursday.

Thank you so much for your patience and sticking with the Zoom as we figured out how to make things work. I truly appreciate it. Your kindness is not surprising, as I see it reflected in your children.

This year’s 6th grade band is one of the kindest group of students I have ever had the pleasure to work with. Students would often help each other get their instruments set-up, move a music stand for a student, and make encouraging comments after a student played a song. This was a class where conversations about norms and proper behavior were about reinforcing what they were already doing.

Earlier in the year we often talked about their power to create a positive vibe in the room, and somehow, they translated this online onto Google Meets, and Zoom meetings. I found this inspiring, and as I looked forward to class with them when were at Parker, I looked forward to our distance learning meetings.

Sometime when I tell people that I teach 6th grade, they look at me with sympathy. Because they don’t know how wonderful and life-affirming it feels to work with young people like the 6th grade band students, who want to bring light and beauty in the world. Yes, there are challenges to this age group, but their potential for greatness in incredible. 6th grade band demonstrated this greatness as they showed up for themselves, and for each other.

I miss the 6th grade band so much, and it brings me hope and great joy to imagine how great it will feel to see them in person next school year.

*****

This has been a very challenging year with my paternity leave earlier in the year, to this situation with distance learning. One of the things that has continued to inspire and motivate me is this 8th grade band. I’ve always looked forward to teaching them. The ask thought-provoking questions, are excited to explore music, and most wonderful of all, they want each other to feel included and supported. If one of them makes a joke in class, and other people don’t get it, they will stop and explain it to those people…and then I will tell them to stop joking and get back to work.

They transformed the challenge of remote learning into an opportunity for individual exploration and growth. The result that you see in these videos is a reflection of how they brought optimism with them to class, and sought to create beauty, in a world that sometimes feels weighed down by destruction.

I love that I’ve had these students to miss these past couple months. It is a sadness, but more than that, missing them makes me smile, only people so wonderful as these 8th graders could make me feel this way.

Parenthood: Week 371 – Lucas Living His Best Life

Lucas immediately lived his life as part of a family unit that was in motion. After the first couple weeks of his life, he was integrated into the family routines. Lucas accompanied Diana with all of Ethan and Ollie’s drop-offs and pick-ups. His naps and feedings had to be balanced with the needs and schedules of his brothers.

This was different for Ollie. He was born in the late spring, which meant that his early life was spent during my summer break. I had more time off, the only other child he had to contend with was Buffy. For Ollie this meant that in many ways our lives revolved around Ollie.

With Ethan and Lucas to even a further extent, I’ve felt some concern that their lives and routines had to take into account Ollie’s needs. At the same time, Ollie being the older child had to make compromises as well. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however as parents, it’s something that is concerning.

One of the positives of the routines of Ethan and Ollie is that Lucas was able to have time away from his brothers. However, with the activities and stresses of school, Lucas didn’t necessarily get the best of Ethan and Ollie as they would sometimes come home from school tired and not at their best.

All of this has changed since the pandemic hit and we are all at home. The structures of the day are no longer requiring that Lucas to be in the car during naps. I’m around more so Diana can nurse Lucas without having to worry about Ethan or Ollie. The three brothers, well, they are around each other all of the time.

For Lucas, this is a wonderful thing. There is always someone to watch, as his brothers run around the house and play. Both Ethan and Ollie find time to play with Lucas, give him kisses and hugs throughout the day. It’s one of the most amazing things to see how much joy Ethan and Ollie get out of interacting with Lucas. Now that Lucas is smiling, he’s finally showing his brothers how much he loves them.

Lucas is able to get as much cuddles as he wants from me and Diana, and even though we are both working jobs, there is plenty kissing, huggles, and smiles in passing.

I am spending more time with Lucas then I would if I was working at school right now. That part of all of this truly is wonderful. It doesn’t outweigh the bad or the trauma that people all over the world are feeling. It’s more like a light in all the darkness.  In the worst of times, we can be our best and bring to each love.

Lucas’ is living his best life, full of smiles giggles, brothers, and a doggie. I feel like I’m beyond lucky to have his spirit in my life. 

Lucas is my beautiful little one, and I love him beyond words. 

Year 10: Week 34 - Go The Distance

The end is in sight. This unexpected, challenging, and unpredictable school year is wrapping up. On the calendar it’s three weeks, but in the life of a teacher especially during the end of a school year, three weeks passes by quickly.

I came into this school year knowing that it would hard. Lucas was on the way, and I knew that being away for the third time on paternity was going to be difficult. Yes, this being the third time I was going to be leave meant that I knew what to expect, but this didn’t change that the fact that leave is very hard to manage..

I think back on the fall and winter and prepping for my leave and being away and even though at the time it was so difficult and stressful, right now it doesn’t seem like a big deal at all. You know how some days feel like three days in one? This school year feels like it’s been at least three school years crammed into this one.

I had goals this year, and plans, and things I wanted to get done, and now my main goal is to just go the distance and get to the end.

This isn’t a cope out. This is really how hard it is for educators. Many projects, new lesson, guest artists, and all these other ideas have been put aside. It’s been day to day, week to week, laser focused on what is most important, what are priorities, and how can we make this work. In this way, we are doing less, but it so much harder to do even that because, well, we have no idea what we are doing

There was not time to for a gentle learning curve but we figured it out.  This week I used Zoom for the first time with students. I was previously using Google Meet. There was a lot learning that happened on the fly. As other teachers and my school figured out new systems of operation, I had to learn along with them, as I learned how to teach from a distance

I hesitate with silver linings. No good at this point I feel can overcome the worldwide trauma that has occurred in the past couple months. That being said, there were some positive things that happened. Introverted students came out of the shells, as the disruptive students were less able to take over classroom discussions. Some students have really done well with this way of teaching and learning that may actually be better than what we did in class. This time has been a good reminder of my privilege I have to teach at such a great school, and work with such wonderful colleagues.

There’s a lot to do in the next couple weeks, and I am looking forward to taking a break from all of this. For a time, I will put aside the uncertainty of next fall, and find some time to reflect on what a school year this has been and what this all means to me and my students.

Parenthood: Week 370 – How Ethan's Screams Are Wonderful

If you are friend of mine, you’ve heard me complain about Ethan, my 2-year-old.

I try not to complain about my children too much. They are a blessing; they have enriched my life tremendously and I don’t feel that they are a burden. Yes, they make my life more difficult, but every night before I go to sleep, and look back at my day, the love and meaning the bring to my life is what resonates from the day, not the challenges. I love being a father. Besides being a husband, it’s the greatest role I’ve taken in my life, and I am forever grateful to my wife for making this all possible.

The thing that you need to understand about Ethan is that the things that are challenging about him are the things that make him wonderful now, and will help him be an incredible adult.

Ethan is very loud, and there’s no ramping up to this  volume. He just goes there immediately. If he wants milk, and he doesn’t get it right after he asks for it, then he’s screaming at me. It’s like he thinks I’m some magical short-order chef that can make  milk appear instantaneously.

I am glad that Ethan has no problem advocating for himself. I was that  child who would be too shy to ask for a cupcake at birthday party, and then I wouldn’t get one. It wasn’t until graduate school where I truly gained the confidence to speak for myself and self-advocate. Ethan is already there. I’ve heard him scream for a cupcake at a birthday party, (and so did everyone else at that party). I’m excited to see how this evolves into an ability to self-advocate.

If Ethan could design his perfect day it would include as much physical contact as possible. For approximately half the day he would be held by someone. Watching television would be done in someone’s lap and meal times would be social, with pauses to hold hands. Naps would be done with physical contact and so would sleeping through night. You know how some people like to cuddle as they go to sleep and then separate. Ollie is like that. Ethan isn’t, he wants to cuddle the ENTIRE NIGHT.

Yes, this is annoying, and I get cuddling fatigue. Putting these feelings aside, this is one of the most wonderful things about Ethan. Touching others is a way that he understands the world and a way that he knows that he can bring comfort and joy to himself and also others.

Today, Ethan was playing with some toys on the floor. I put down his baby brother Lucas on a blanket in another part of the room. When Lucas started crying, Ethan put his toys down and lay down next to Ethan and cuddled close him, which actually calmed Lucas down. It was beautiful. This instinct to feel closeness to others and understand physicality as a way to communicate will serve him well as he learns how to express himself and connect with others.

Ethan’s sometimes overly goofy at the dinner table, but this desire to make people smile will help him through tense situations. He is stubborn and refuses to give up about silly little thinks, and when he’s older he will be stubborn about important stuff. And Ethan sometimes wants to read the same book over and over, and this fascination with art will serve him well and he works to understand what it means to be human.

This is what is means to love your child and see what annoys you about them as assets to cherish and nurture. Yes, Ethan is tough at times, and what makes him difficult is also what makes him wonderful now, and in the future.

Year 10: Week 33 – The Future As I See It Now

Many people in my life have asked me what I think is going to happen next year in education. The questions keep coming from being in my department that I’m leading, students I teachers, administrators,and friends and family.

So here it is:

Disclaimer: This is what I think on 5/8/20 at 10:30pm, and I may read something in an hour that changes my mind. 

America’s leadership left us woefully unprepared for this crisis on many different levels including education. Schools were left flailing. Without any clear direction from the Secretary of Education and conflicting information on the federal and state level, schools had no idea what to do. When the directives did come, they came with little to no notice. My school warned teachers on a Tuesday to start sending stuff home just in case, Thursday we got notice that we were going to off the next Monday and we had Friday to prep ourselves and our students for distance learning.  

We were lucky. Many teachers found out on Thursday afternoon that Friday was the last day without earlier warning and many other teachers found out on the weekend that school was canceled on Monday. The lucky teachers got a couple days to prepare for distance learning. Some teachers got the weekend.

Distance learning sputtered and struggled to get off the ground in communities where students had broadband internet and devices at home. In communities where students didn’t have consistent internet, districts struggled to figure out how to deal with this equity issue, while some teachers lacking broadband internet themselves sat in school and church parking lots using the WIFI to prepare lesson and teach.

There’s been no massive influx of funds or support for educators and students during this time. Some districts have actually put a hold on spending when students and teachers need resources the most.

Can American schools open in the fall with the current trends?  No. The way that we think about schools, asking educator to make magic happen with limited resources, as opposed to asking them what they need to be successful and providing what they ask for is not setting us up for success in this crisis.  By sheer force of will and hard work, a teacher can make an out of date history book work in a classroom, force of will cannot provide sanitation supplies and smaller class sizes. 

In the past week there have been a flurry of articles talking about plans for opening schools next year. Most of them completely lack an understanding of child development. Having first graders sit six feet apart, not move from classroom from classroom, eat lunch at their desks, and have no recess is not developmentally appropriate. Is it worse than having students stay at home? For some children yes, for others no.  This makes things complicated.  And articles that respond to these concerns that state that children are “resilient,” should be immediately disregarded, as this pop psychology myth of childhood resilience is completely false and misguided.

If schools continue to have to make choices in the fall like they have this past spring with little financial support, meaningful leadership, and plans that are both educationally and psychologically sound, the only safe choice will be to start the year with distance learning that will last until at least until the new year.

I hope I’m wrong. Being right is not important to me on this one. Maybe our efforts over the summer will beat this virus down and the schools will receive millions of dollars they needs, funds to hire more teachers, equipment, and building space to teach students safety.

My mind may change completely about this tomorrow, and again if you think I'm wrong and time proves that to be true.  Fine.  You win, and so do I, because that means I will get to see my students in person sooner and get back to doing my job the way I know how best to do it.

Parenthood: Week 369 – Human Touch

Human touch is essential to life.

There was one case I read about in where a mother did everything right for her baby. Fed the baby on a regular basis, and cared for the baby but the baby wasn’t gaining weight. She went to all kinds of specialist, and one, Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry interviewed her and found how that she didn’t cuddle the baby. So, he had a childcare professional he know literally teach her how to cuddle the baby. She lacked the instinct to cuddle her child, so she had to put on timers to make sure her child would get a certain amount of physical contact every day. With this practice her baby starting gaining weight at a typical pace, and grew up to be generally healthy.  This is further evidence to the research that  demonstrated that human touch stimulates human growth hormones in babies.

If you think evolutionarily it makes sense. That human touch is what communicates to the baby that it is being taken care for and that it will be defended in times of danger. It’s a cycle. A person who experiences cuddling as a baby is conditioned to want to do the same for their own child. It’s a way of passing on care and emotional support through physical touch across generations.

It’s really interesting how different our needs for touch are expressed in my family. In my household, I have there’s Diana, Ollie, Ethan, Lucas, and even Buffy who have different needs in regard to touch, and different ways of expressing that need.

Buffy is not the kind of dog that comes up to you wanting to be pet. There are times though when I walk pass, she turns on her back and stretches out, expecting me to rub her tummy.  In the evenings when we watch television, sometimes I pick her up and she’ll stay with us for like twenty minutes but then decide she needs her own space.  Buffy is always up for a hug or a pet, though she doesn't seem to actively seek these things out.

Ollie continues to be open to holding hands.  This is something he never hesitates to do when we are in public or walking around a store. He no longer asks for hugs generally but he’s always open for cuddling when I offer. One of the things that he does is that when he wants attention, or we are sitting on the couch he will gently stroke my arm. Honestly, it feels a little weird. I told him to stop earlier tonight, and he responded, “but I like the feeling of muscles.”

Ethan actively asks for, well honestly more like demands, hugs. He is very into the feeling touch and feels more comfortable with the close presence of other people’s bodies. Sometimes he will sit next to me while we are reading a book and he will reach up and touch my neck (his favorite place to touch me). Right now it’s a bit much, and there are times when I tell him that I cannot hug him, and he throws a fit and starts screaming for hugs. Interestingly for someone who is so into touch, he doesn’t like to hold hands.

Lucas is beginning to reach out and touch me when I get close. I’m not able to tell the difference between his different cries, but like being hungry, wanting a clean diaper, simply being held is one of the things that calms him down and fulfills a primal basic need.  It's magical to hold his hand and feel his body completely relax into my arms.

There are times when I want to not feel touched at all, like when I'm hugged out by a rough night when he requires cuddling throughout the night.  The thing I want to do is touch someone.  Then Diana comes up to me and gives me a hug, and I feel supported, energized, and loved. 

Year 10: Week 32 - Distance Feeling Like A Routine

The routine has set in, and what once felt strange and odd is starting to feel like normal. It took time for schedules in my school to be figured, online educational platforms to be set-up, and for routines of how the business of the school would operate. Maybe part of this feeling reflects me reaching a true level of acceptance of our situation.

This week had some really nice moments. I got to jump into the 3rd graders morning meetings and I got to see these students for the first time since we left the school building. The decision was made that music would not have live teaching in 3rd grade, so I’ve been created content for them to explore on their own but I have not actively taught them. Even though I didn’t teach them this week, it was wonderful to see their faces and feel their excitement to see me through the computer screen.

There are so many people at this school that I see and talk to in the halls. The moments before and after meetings are often full of conversations. It takes more effort to talk with these people now that we are apart but I’ve done the work and it’s made this all feel less nebulous. Just like how we catch up in times between classes, after a 5th grade meeting this week, the classroom teacher and I stayed on the video chat and caught up about how things were going at school and in our personal lives.  It felt like how it does when we are at school doing the same thing.

It is possible to create a feeling of community in an online space, and I can tell that people are starting to figure out how to do this in my school. It’s in establishing online norms for chats, pushing students to show love and support by keeping their camera on and sitting nicely during a meeting, and it’s in learning to talk to people, not the camera. It’s taken weeks, but I’m starting to feel like I’m talking to my students more than I'm talking to a camera. There have been moments this week, that it left my mind that I was online talking to a student and we were just simply talking. That felt amazing.

I don’t believe that teachers should fake it in front of students. Things are, strange, and less than idea. It’s important that teachers and students together have the space to share the process of mourning all that has been and will be lost this school year. Only by doing this can we genuinely and fully move to a space that we can be ready to learn.

Doing what’s right, and making things work in less than idea situations is normal for teachers. Most teachers have budgets that are too small, not enough time to prepare for classes, far too many students, and a system of administrators and school board members that hinder more than they help. Yet despite all of this, teachers in America do amazing work. Yes, for some teachers this crisis is a that last straw, but for many this is just another thing to overcome in a career full of making amazing things happen for students against the odds.

Without extra pay, and without meaningful national recognition teachers are refusing to give up.  More than anything else, it’s other teachers that inspire me to keep trying to make this work.

There's still joy in the work, because there's still magic in our students.