Just like his mommy and daddy, when Ollie gets into something, he becomes obsessed. Last couple months he’s been working through different art kits. It started when Diana took him Ollie to Michaels (my favorite store btw), actually it stated a little earlier than that.
A while went over to one of Diana’s aunt’s houses for a family event. Now even though all of her kids are older (high school and above), she makes sure that her house is kid-friendly. Every single time we go there, she has a box of toys for my boys to play list. Some of this stuff are things she kept from when her kids were younger, but some of these things are brand new. I don’t really expect that people who invite us over to make their places kid friendly, but it’s really touching when they do.
One of the things that she bought was a children’s weaving loom. It was one of those plastic things that you weave long fabric rubber bands through. Even though Ollie really enjoyed the toy cars they had bought for him to play with, he was more into this loom. Skip forward ahead a couple days and Diana took Ollie to Michaels. At the store, Ollie picked out a Perler bead set. Diana knew that it was borderline whether he could handle this set, but Ollie was excited so she got it for him.
With some help and guidance, he worked through hundreds of beads and that entire set. Next came an Aquabeads set, and then another Perler beads set. It was fascinating watching him work through these projects. We would often help him find the center of the project, and give him some guidance on how to work through the design (e.g. start from the inside out). There were moments of frustration, but his need to complete all of the designs on the idea sheet, and then every example on the box, motivated him through these sets.
Next up was a Hey Clay kit that Diana picked out for him. When you buy this kit, it comes with fast-drying clay and a code that you can use to access an iPad app that explains how to make a monster, animal, alien or bird. The little characters you make are animated on the app. The instructions go over basic modeling techniques, break down each step, and when you are doing putting your model together, you wait overnight for it to dry and your model is ready to go.
Diana starting doing these kits with Ollie, so he quickly associated this with something that he did during “mommy-time.” It’s really cool to watch them together working through the process of making these cute little models. Similar to his other art projects, the results are often flawed, but that doesn’t take away from Ollie’s pride in his work. With the Perler beads sometimes he would notice that things were off, but other times he didn’t really seem to care. I pointed out mistakes at times, but other times I would let it go, which is a similar approach I see Diana working through with Ollie.
Ollie is almost done with all of the Hey Clay kits. We aren’t sure what’s next, crochet? Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be great. I'm really proud of his work, and I can see that with each little project he finishes, he's proud of himself.
Monday, July 30, 2018
Friday, July 27, 2018
Why a Patty Melt Is Superior To a Burger
Height
I get no pleasure out of trying to take a bite out of a “big-mouth” burger. I already have temporomandibular joint disorder in my jaw (TMJ). Stretching my mouth open for the sake of eating never feels good for me. The other way to compensate for this issue is to press the burger down, turning the bun into a compressed, flattened version of itself lost in condiments and grease.
The patty melt is a different story. It’s delightfully constrcuted to about the height of a grilled cheese sandwich. There’s no extra effort that needs to be put into eating this sandwich.
The Bread
Most hamburgers are set up with a soft bun. If it’s toasted, usually it’s only on the inside of the bun. This means that your teeth go through a soft piece of bread, maybe hit the crunch on the other side of the bun, and maybe get a slice of lettuce for texture before hitting the patty.
Patty melt on the other hand gives you a satisfying crunch before you hit anything else. Some burger patties have a little crunch with a sear, but optimally cooked, a sear it doesn’t add that much texture.
The delightful crunch of the bread on a patty melt creates a wonderful contrast to the meat inside and helps maintain the structure of the sandwich to the very last bite. This is not the case for the burger. By the last bite, the bun has been bitten into and flattened with finger indentations to the point of barely providing any structure for the sandwich.
Have you ever taken a bite out a burger and felt like you were getting more bread than you wanted? Not an issue with a patty melt.
Condiment
Ketchup is an overused condiment in our food culture. While it totally hits the spots with fries, and hot dogs (don’t you dare start with the "no ketchup and hot dog" thing! This ridiculous Chicago eating custom is ridiculous), ketchup doesn't enhance a beef patty. Ketchup when added to a beef patty makes a beef patty taste like…ketchup. Thousand Island on the other hand, adds a layer of richness and a little tanginess without masking the flavor, creating an almost umami flavor with the beef. Add some fried onions to that, and you really got something going on.
Toppings
Lettuce has no place near a beef patty. Are we hoping that one piece of lettuce is somehow going to make this meal more balanced and healthy? Okay, you are adding a crunch, maybe a splash of freshness. Well, if you really wanted a crunch, the patty melt has that covered with the bread, and that little pop of water you get when you bite through lettuce in a burger, does that really add to the beef? Let’s be honest it’s more a distraction than anything else. Also, the positive properties of the lettuce are lost in a the grease of the beef patty itself. A patty melt has no distraction of a “fresh” vegetable. A sandwich focusing on a beef patty shouldn’t have a “hot side,” and a “cold side.” Only a two hot sides in perfect harmony, otherwise known as a patty melt.
I get no pleasure out of trying to take a bite out of a “big-mouth” burger. I already have temporomandibular joint disorder in my jaw (TMJ). Stretching my mouth open for the sake of eating never feels good for me. The other way to compensate for this issue is to press the burger down, turning the bun into a compressed, flattened version of itself lost in condiments and grease.
The patty melt is a different story. It’s delightfully constrcuted to about the height of a grilled cheese sandwich. There’s no extra effort that needs to be put into eating this sandwich.
The Bread
Most hamburgers are set up with a soft bun. If it’s toasted, usually it’s only on the inside of the bun. This means that your teeth go through a soft piece of bread, maybe hit the crunch on the other side of the bun, and maybe get a slice of lettuce for texture before hitting the patty.
Patty melt on the other hand gives you a satisfying crunch before you hit anything else. Some burger patties have a little crunch with a sear, but optimally cooked, a sear it doesn’t add that much texture.
The delightful crunch of the bread on a patty melt creates a wonderful contrast to the meat inside and helps maintain the structure of the sandwich to the very last bite. This is not the case for the burger. By the last bite, the bun has been bitten into and flattened with finger indentations to the point of barely providing any structure for the sandwich.
Have you ever taken a bite out a burger and felt like you were getting more bread than you wanted? Not an issue with a patty melt.
Condiment
Ketchup is an overused condiment in our food culture. While it totally hits the spots with fries, and hot dogs (don’t you dare start with the "no ketchup and hot dog" thing! This ridiculous Chicago eating custom is ridiculous), ketchup doesn't enhance a beef patty. Ketchup when added to a beef patty makes a beef patty taste like…ketchup. Thousand Island on the other hand, adds a layer of richness and a little tanginess without masking the flavor, creating an almost umami flavor with the beef. Add some fried onions to that, and you really got something going on.
Toppings
Lettuce has no place near a beef patty. Are we hoping that one piece of lettuce is somehow going to make this meal more balanced and healthy? Okay, you are adding a crunch, maybe a splash of freshness. Well, if you really wanted a crunch, the patty melt has that covered with the bread, and that little pop of water you get when you bite through lettuce in a burger, does that really add to the beef? Let’s be honest it’s more a distraction than anything else. Also, the positive properties of the lettuce are lost in a the grease of the beef patty itself. A patty melt has no distraction of a “fresh” vegetable. A sandwich focusing on a beef patty shouldn’t have a “hot side,” and a “cold side.” Only a two hot sides in perfect harmony, otherwise known as a patty melt.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Parenthood: Week 277 - Mister Rogers' Place In My Neighborhood
Mister Rogers is one the most important influences in my life. More than any sports star, politician, war hero, or even musician, Mister Rogers helped me understand my life, my goals, and my life’s work, and my purpose.
As a child, I watched his televisions show, as a young adult I read his books, and last Friday me and Diana watched Won’t You Be My Neighbor a beautiful documentary about this our favorite neighbor.
This film dives deep into the life of Fred Rogers, his work. It provides insights into the man behind the television show. It adds dimension to this man, through revealing his frustrations, and his self-doubt. These “flaws,” don’t actually make him less admirable, rather they make him more relatable and more real.
People had a hard time, and probably still have a hard time accepting that a man could dedicate his life to children, and truly be kind. Some assumed that Rogers was homosexual or had some dark past, but neither was true (in my mind being gay wouldn’t have made him less than, but for many it would have). Rogers showed that a man could be nurturing, caring, insightful, thoughtful, and enjoy chit-chatting. By being himself, he gained the respect of the most important people in the world, our children. This is a model that has given me the strength be dedicate my life to work with children, be proud about being a father, and work to be the kind of man Rogers was, as opposed to the emotionally cut-off “tough guy” so many of his generation worked towards.
Mister Rogers is one of the greatest examples of a Christian in my life. He never mentioned God on his show or preached the Bible. His acceptance of you, his love for you wasn’t conditional on your faith tradition. He focused on spreading the themes of love, giving and kindness, which he felt were central to his Christian faith. Rogers probably wasn’t very successful at converting people to Christianity. But he was incredibly successful at was spreading the most important themes of his religion, and make our world a better place through giving, inclusion and love. By focusing on these themes and not using the word of God, or the stories of Jesus, he was able to be as universal as the message he shared.
Rogers made parenting radically simple. Listen to your children, validate their feelings, and let them know they are loved and can create love by simply being themselves. These ideas are still radical to many, and are difficult to practice. During time-sensitive transitions, it’s hard to find time to listen. In the middle of feelings of frustration when a child is screaming at you, it’s difficult to find the true emotion amongst the heat. Saying the words “I love you,” is just a start. Showing love in a way that children understand, and nurturing their own belief in the power of their own love is a lifelong work of a parent that doesn’t ever end.
One of the questions that this film tries to address is what would Rogers being doing if he was alive right now? I think he’d still be at it, listening to one child at time, taking the time to talk about feelings reminding us that we are special just by being ourselves. But he’s not around any more, so I’ll do the best I can to continue his work. It’s not a job that will ever be done, but working with children, and being a parent is the most important work I can do. It's the most important work we can do.
Sitting with my son today watching Mister Rogers explain what it meant to be brave, I was once again reminded how much I have to learn, and how beautiful this journey of growth could be with with neighbor like Mister Rogers to hold my hand.
As a child, I watched his televisions show, as a young adult I read his books, and last Friday me and Diana watched Won’t You Be My Neighbor a beautiful documentary about this our favorite neighbor.
This film dives deep into the life of Fred Rogers, his work. It provides insights into the man behind the television show. It adds dimension to this man, through revealing his frustrations, and his self-doubt. These “flaws,” don’t actually make him less admirable, rather they make him more relatable and more real.
People had a hard time, and probably still have a hard time accepting that a man could dedicate his life to children, and truly be kind. Some assumed that Rogers was homosexual or had some dark past, but neither was true (in my mind being gay wouldn’t have made him less than, but for many it would have). Rogers showed that a man could be nurturing, caring, insightful, thoughtful, and enjoy chit-chatting. By being himself, he gained the respect of the most important people in the world, our children. This is a model that has given me the strength be dedicate my life to work with children, be proud about being a father, and work to be the kind of man Rogers was, as opposed to the emotionally cut-off “tough guy” so many of his generation worked towards.
Mister Rogers is one of the greatest examples of a Christian in my life. He never mentioned God on his show or preached the Bible. His acceptance of you, his love for you wasn’t conditional on your faith tradition. He focused on spreading the themes of love, giving and kindness, which he felt were central to his Christian faith. Rogers probably wasn’t very successful at converting people to Christianity. But he was incredibly successful at was spreading the most important themes of his religion, and make our world a better place through giving, inclusion and love. By focusing on these themes and not using the word of God, or the stories of Jesus, he was able to be as universal as the message he shared.
Rogers made parenting radically simple. Listen to your children, validate their feelings, and let them know they are loved and can create love by simply being themselves. These ideas are still radical to many, and are difficult to practice. During time-sensitive transitions, it’s hard to find time to listen. In the middle of feelings of frustration when a child is screaming at you, it’s difficult to find the true emotion amongst the heat. Saying the words “I love you,” is just a start. Showing love in a way that children understand, and nurturing their own belief in the power of their own love is a lifelong work of a parent that doesn’t ever end.
One of the questions that this film tries to address is what would Rogers being doing if he was alive right now? I think he’d still be at it, listening to one child at time, taking the time to talk about feelings reminding us that we are special just by being ourselves. But he’s not around any more, so I’ll do the best I can to continue his work. It’s not a job that will ever be done, but working with children, and being a parent is the most important work I can do. It's the most important work we can do.
Sitting with my son today watching Mister Rogers explain what it meant to be brave, I was once again reminded how much I have to learn, and how beautiful this journey of growth could be with with neighbor like Mister Rogers to hold my hand.
Friday, July 20, 2018
Can’t Let It Go 7/20/18
Small Sign
It was a small but powerful moment. Sarah Sanders tried to move on from journalist Hallie Jackson’s line of questioning, by giving another reporter a chance to ask a question. Jordan Fabian responded when Sanders went to him with, “Hallie, go ahead.”
Journalist in the White House press corp need to be aggressive and self-serving. They have their own audience they are trying to report to, and individual stories they are trying to write. This is part of their job. It was a logical strategy for Sanders to use to get out of Jackson’s follow-ups. Throw it to another reporter and move things along. I wouldn’t have thought him as being bad or complicit if he took the opportunity to ask a question. However, Fabian, thought differently. Instead of putting forward his own question, he threw it back to Jackson.
Men are socialized to take over conversations. Studies show that men interrupt women far more than vice-versa. And when men interrupt women, women are far more likely to let them. Sander’s strategy reflects how many conversations in our culture occur with men taking the lead, and women being cut off, but it didn’t work this time.
I don’t know Fabian’s motivation. Maybe his question was going to be what Jackson was asking Sanders. Maybe it was solidarity with a fellow journalist, maybe it was something deeper, or maybe it was as Fabian explained professional courtesy. Regardless of his motivation, it was a wonderful moment of solidarity, of decency, and feminism.
Sisters
I don’t pay much attention to professional sports, and I have never really cared about the ESPYS. The idea that athletes in our culture need more recognition feels absurd. Professional athletes make some the highest salaries in our economy, and their accomplishments are much lauded, and very public. However there are times, and moments when American sports culture goes deeper, and speaks to something relevant, powerful, and essential to the progression of our morality.
The presentation of the ESPYS Arthur Ashe Award for Courage is presented to representatives for the 'sister survivors' who spoke out against sexual abuse by their former team doctor was one those moments.
The scale was staggering, they just kept coming onto stage, and my heart ached imagining all of their pain and suffering. It was worse knowing that this wasn’t even all of victims. I had anger towards those who knew and did nothing. I was in awe of the strength of these women to come forward. I was amazed by the courage these women had to walk up onto that stage and be visible. I was frustrated that we had gotten to this point. I was excited for the future to see and feel the positive impact that these amazing people would have on our culture. And this moment strengthened the responsibility that comes from my own male privilege to make our world a better place for women.
I am looking forward to watching the American women gymnastics team at the next Olympics more than I have every looked to watching any sports team or sports event in my entire life. These athletes are part of this story, and their triumph will not be in whether or not they get a medal, it will be in their dignity and strength.
It was a small but powerful moment. Sarah Sanders tried to move on from journalist Hallie Jackson’s line of questioning, by giving another reporter a chance to ask a question. Jordan Fabian responded when Sanders went to him with, “Hallie, go ahead.”
Journalist in the White House press corp need to be aggressive and self-serving. They have their own audience they are trying to report to, and individual stories they are trying to write. This is part of their job. It was a logical strategy for Sanders to use to get out of Jackson’s follow-ups. Throw it to another reporter and move things along. I wouldn’t have thought him as being bad or complicit if he took the opportunity to ask a question. However, Fabian, thought differently. Instead of putting forward his own question, he threw it back to Jackson.
Men are socialized to take over conversations. Studies show that men interrupt women far more than vice-versa. And when men interrupt women, women are far more likely to let them. Sander’s strategy reflects how many conversations in our culture occur with men taking the lead, and women being cut off, but it didn’t work this time.
I don’t know Fabian’s motivation. Maybe his question was going to be what Jackson was asking Sanders. Maybe it was solidarity with a fellow journalist, maybe it was something deeper, or maybe it was as Fabian explained professional courtesy. Regardless of his motivation, it was a wonderful moment of solidarity, of decency, and feminism.
Sisters
I don’t pay much attention to professional sports, and I have never really cared about the ESPYS. The idea that athletes in our culture need more recognition feels absurd. Professional athletes make some the highest salaries in our economy, and their accomplishments are much lauded, and very public. However there are times, and moments when American sports culture goes deeper, and speaks to something relevant, powerful, and essential to the progression of our morality.
The presentation of the ESPYS Arthur Ashe Award for Courage is presented to representatives for the 'sister survivors' who spoke out against sexual abuse by their former team doctor was one those moments.
The scale was staggering, they just kept coming onto stage, and my heart ached imagining all of their pain and suffering. It was worse knowing that this wasn’t even all of victims. I had anger towards those who knew and did nothing. I was in awe of the strength of these women to come forward. I was amazed by the courage these women had to walk up onto that stage and be visible. I was frustrated that we had gotten to this point. I was excited for the future to see and feel the positive impact that these amazing people would have on our culture. And this moment strengthened the responsibility that comes from my own male privilege to make our world a better place for women.
I am looking forward to watching the American women gymnastics team at the next Olympics more than I have every looked to watching any sports team or sports event in my entire life. These athletes are part of this story, and their triumph will not be in whether or not they get a medal, it will be in their dignity and strength.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Parenthood: Week 276 - Lunchbreak
Right after I was done teaching my last summer camp music class, I went straight home. I said hello to my mother and Ollie quickly, and then woke Ethan from his morning nap. I changed his diaper, and then took him straight into the car, and drove him over to Diana so she could nurse him during her lunch break.
This week Diana is teaching a full day summer enrichment camp. I’m teaching half days, so it made sense that I could bring Ethan over during Diana’s lunch, he could nurse, and then I’d bring him home, and she would continue her day of teaching.
When we talked about this idea, it seemed perfectly reasonable, (which it is). One of friend’s mom did a very similar thing. She would pick up her grandkid from daycare drive her over to where her daughter was working. Her daughter would nurse, and then she would bring the baby back to daycare. I found out today that one of my mom’s relatives a generation ago did the exactly same thing. He would bring the baby over to where his wife worked, one time a day, sometimes twice a da,y so she could nurse him.
You might have some questions regarding this idea of women working and shuttling a baby to her to so she can nurse. But I’m not going to unpack these queries, because it doesn’t really matter whether or not you think that someone making these kinds of accommodations for a mother to nurse her child makes sense or is logical. As a partner or someone helping a mother, you should make whatever accommodations you can so that a woman can breastfeed her child however, or whenever she desires.
I am not an advocate of partners blindly doing whatever their loved ones ask of them. But when it’s a woman asking and when it’s regarding breastfeeding, we need to think different. I mentioned in a Facebook post that part of my relationship and the way that I treat Diana is based on my understanding that women have harder lives than men in our society in every way. When someone walks through live with less privilege, you need to pause before saying “no.” Because being nice to someone when they have had a harder day than you is caring. So, when someone has a harder life than you, when they are a woman, and you are a man, being a little nicer than necessary and working to create a space in your household where she doesn’t have to feel the barbs of sexism is basic is my book
Let’s add on top of that the fact that we have a “President” who is anti-breastfeeding. He described a lawyer who took a break to pump as “disgusting,” and bargained hard to exclude language supporting breastfeeding from a resolution by the World Health Organization. It’s easy to say, I don’t care about what he and administration thinks and says, but it sucks to hear these things. Even in Gilead they know breast is best.
Here’s the thing, I’m not a huge pro-breastfeeding advocate. I respect women’s decision to not breastfeed and I also acknowledge that there are many circumstances in which women want to breastfeed cannot breastfeed. All I want is to live in a society when women’s choices around breastfeeding are not determined by sexist policies, and ignorant people (both men and women). Is that asking too much? We can’t give women the space to choose how they want to feed their babies? Well, the people who don’t think this is important are a lot of the same people who don’t seem to care at all that babies were ripped away from their mothers at the border, so at least their inconsideration of women, children, and you know, the human race is consistent.
I often talk about the fact how I don’t understand how any man can go through the journey of conception, pregnancy, and child birth and not become a feminist. The societal and institutional sexism become painfully clear every step of the way from the idea of a child, to holding a baby in your arms, and beyond. One of the things that strengthened my feminism was seeing how much trauma, anxiety, and pain women experience in even the best of situation around the issue of feeding their baby. Women work through this trauma with grace, and strength, and when they don’t it’s often due to unsupportive outside forces. Women are literally responsible for the survival of the human species. The least we can do if give them a nice room to nurse in, and the courtesy to let them make their own decisions about how they feed their kids without the patriarchy’s input.
So yeah, I’ll drive my boy over to so Diana can nurse him. It’s not that big of a deal for me. I don’t work in the afternoons over the summer. I’m not some savior, I’m not some hero, and I don’t need a parade or a trophy. I’m simply a supportive husband, a good dad, and a proud feminist.
This week Diana is teaching a full day summer enrichment camp. I’m teaching half days, so it made sense that I could bring Ethan over during Diana’s lunch, he could nurse, and then I’d bring him home, and she would continue her day of teaching.
When we talked about this idea, it seemed perfectly reasonable, (which it is). One of friend’s mom did a very similar thing. She would pick up her grandkid from daycare drive her over to where her daughter was working. Her daughter would nurse, and then she would bring the baby back to daycare. I found out today that one of my mom’s relatives a generation ago did the exactly same thing. He would bring the baby over to where his wife worked, one time a day, sometimes twice a da,y so she could nurse him.
You might have some questions regarding this idea of women working and shuttling a baby to her to so she can nurse. But I’m not going to unpack these queries, because it doesn’t really matter whether or not you think that someone making these kinds of accommodations for a mother to nurse her child makes sense or is logical. As a partner or someone helping a mother, you should make whatever accommodations you can so that a woman can breastfeed her child however, or whenever she desires.
I am not an advocate of partners blindly doing whatever their loved ones ask of them. But when it’s a woman asking and when it’s regarding breastfeeding, we need to think different. I mentioned in a Facebook post that part of my relationship and the way that I treat Diana is based on my understanding that women have harder lives than men in our society in every way. When someone walks through live with less privilege, you need to pause before saying “no.” Because being nice to someone when they have had a harder day than you is caring. So, when someone has a harder life than you, when they are a woman, and you are a man, being a little nicer than necessary and working to create a space in your household where she doesn’t have to feel the barbs of sexism is basic is my book
Let’s add on top of that the fact that we have a “President” who is anti-breastfeeding. He described a lawyer who took a break to pump as “disgusting,” and bargained hard to exclude language supporting breastfeeding from a resolution by the World Health Organization. It’s easy to say, I don’t care about what he and administration thinks and says, but it sucks to hear these things. Even in Gilead they know breast is best.
Here’s the thing, I’m not a huge pro-breastfeeding advocate. I respect women’s decision to not breastfeed and I also acknowledge that there are many circumstances in which women want to breastfeed cannot breastfeed. All I want is to live in a society when women’s choices around breastfeeding are not determined by sexist policies, and ignorant people (both men and women). Is that asking too much? We can’t give women the space to choose how they want to feed their babies? Well, the people who don’t think this is important are a lot of the same people who don’t seem to care at all that babies were ripped away from their mothers at the border, so at least their inconsideration of women, children, and you know, the human race is consistent.
I often talk about the fact how I don’t understand how any man can go through the journey of conception, pregnancy, and child birth and not become a feminist. The societal and institutional sexism become painfully clear every step of the way from the idea of a child, to holding a baby in your arms, and beyond. One of the things that strengthened my feminism was seeing how much trauma, anxiety, and pain women experience in even the best of situation around the issue of feeding their baby. Women work through this trauma with grace, and strength, and when they don’t it’s often due to unsupportive outside forces. Women are literally responsible for the survival of the human species. The least we can do if give them a nice room to nurse in, and the courtesy to let them make their own decisions about how they feed their kids without the patriarchy’s input.
So yeah, I’ll drive my boy over to so Diana can nurse him. It’s not that big of a deal for me. I don’t work in the afternoons over the summer. I’m not some savior, I’m not some hero, and I don’t need a parade or a trophy. I’m simply a supportive husband, a good dad, and a proud feminist.
Friday, July 13, 2018
How Queer Eye Makes Things Better
Television has had a profound impact on my life. This medium was an important window into American culture, that taught me things about traditions and customs that were not reflected in my home life growing up with immigrants as parents. Like all kinds of art, some shows age better than others.
I Love Lucy is one of my mom's favorite shows, and we would watch this show together on summer afternoons. Lucile Ball’s character on this show was multi-dimensional, at times seemingly dim-witted, but at other times smarter than her husband Ricky. Slapstick at times, what was really at the core of this show was a relationship between Ricky and Lucy built on love and mutual respect. I don’t ever remember being told that they were an interracial couple, and the first in a television sit-com but I always knew that there were, and this fact had a profound effect on how I saw marital relationships and the possibilities for love in my own future.
Simpsons has not aged as well for me. There was a time in my life when I would watch two Simpsons episodes a day. I value the times sharing this show with my brother, and there are important and profound lessons that are taken from this show (e.g. Moaning Lisa).
What has become clear as I have rewatched this show is that the evolution of Homer from a well-meaning father into a boorish oaf, and this show’s poor handling of the Abu character, and the controversy surrounding the portrayal of this character has revealed that this show’s true character is not it’s warmth and heart, but focus on quick laughs, and often mediocre satire without meaningful commentary. (Don’t get me started on Family Guy. I used to watch this show all of the time and even defended it. Now I believe it has contributed to some of the baser and more harmful attitudes and viewpoints in our culture.)
We live in an age of reboots, sequels, and referential art. The unimaginable has happened. Star Trek was recast, Full House is going strong, and Stranger Things wonderfully riffed off of everything that was awesome about 1980s pop culture in an innovative and creative way. When I saw the first image of Wolverine from the first X-Men film, I geeked out like you would not believe. Now, I’m not surprised about projects, and not even that excited when something I enjoyed in the past come back, which is why I didn’t really think it was a big deal when Queer Eye came back.
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy ran for five seasons starting in 2003. It came at pivotal time in my life right after I graduated from college, trying to figure out what it meant to be an adult, and continuing my journey of become secure in my masculinity, and knowing what it meant to be a man.
The show’s basic premise was that five gay men would give a straight guy a makeover. They each had a specialty. Ted covered food, Kyan helped with grooming, Thom did interior design, Carson helped with fashion, and Jai would help with culture. Like other makeover shows this was a feel good kind of show, but the obvious twist is that it was gay guys giving advice to straight men.
Let’s think about that for a second. Gay guys, homosexuals giving advice and makeovers to straight men. For generations, the greatest fear of fathers was that their sons would grow up to be gay, and that they would be seen as anything but masculine. The pervasive stereotype was that gay men were everything that straight men were avoiding. So it was shocking, and crazy the idea that straight men could be better straight men from listening to gay men.
Queer Eye sought to prove that there were things that straight men could gain from gay men, and gay culture, and that in doing so this it didn’t make you “gay." Over five seasons Queer Eye proved this over, and over, and over. Learning how to cook and understand food from Ted empowered men to enjoy the wonder and magic of cooking. Kyan showed men that moisturizer, and a well-groomed beard, didn’t make men into women, it made them more appealing to women. Thom proved that putting posters in frames and matching furniture to paint color elevated expressions of masculinity. Carson pushed men to understand that you could have fun with color, and that every man, regardless of body time looked better and more manly in clothing that fits. Jai, oh Jai, sometimes I wondered what he actually did when Thom was busy trying to redo and entire house. His contributions were important, showing straight men different parts of culture, and activities they could explore with their loved ones.
One of the reasons that boys and men struggle in our culture is because straight definitions of masculinity are so narrow. While women in our culture have more challenges in almost every single way, women are free to adapt men’s fashion, but the opposite is not true. Riding the wave metro-sexuality or driving it (I’m not an expert on fashion). While many men still hold onto homophobic ideas, there are more colors in the men’s sections of clothing stores than ever before. Many men will not want to admit that there lives have been enriched by gay culture, (in some ways they have always been), but Queer Eye made this effect more clear, more prominent, and more meaningful.
Queer Eye went away. Like some of the best televisions shows of all time, it didn’t overstay it’s welcome, and in some ways it felt like its job was done. There was a feeling that hearts and minds were won, and with legal victories around marriage equality and milestones in the LGBTQ community, things felt pretty good from where I was sitting.
This bubble of optimism, and the feeling that progress was inevitable, were taken away slowly at first and then violently ripped apart when the 45th won the election. Every month, every week, and seemingly every day, he tries to tear apart what Queer Eye celebrated and built. He is anti-LGBTQ, and has made efforts to revert ideas of masculinity back to generations past. The trans military ban, not acknowledging Pride Month, allowing his own party which recently has been making steps to ban homosexuals from adopting children, are all actions of homophobia, and transphobia. President Obama who expressed his masculinity by being a feminist, a caring father, honoring women, being kind and showing sensitivity. The current guy expresses masculinity by being rude, insulting people, treating women poorly.
As we’ve worked through this trauma, this dramatic shift in the representations of masculinity in the White House, it has become clear we needed something. Before I even imagined what could help, and what we needed to work through some of these issues, what I needed to process all that was going on, Queer Eye came back.
The new Queer Eye is different. They are in the south, sometimes the deep south. There are some very challenging situations that go well beyond a simple makeover. In some ways the people who are being made over, are more open to the advice and the makeover. The bridge building goes both ways. Let’s stop for a second and consider what it means for a southern straight man to take the advice a gay Muslim with such openness and enthusiasm.
This wonderfully diverse group of men are smart, sensitive, great listeners, and kind, exemplifying everything I strive for to be as a man. Important conversations about loaded topics like Black Lives Matters and trans identity happen with care, and an intent to build bridges. Answers are not always given, but human connections are made, and the power of listening, understanding, and empathy are on clear display.
Both version of Queer Eye challenge straight people to reconsider “gay-ness,” as a comedic act but to laugh with these authentic expressions of personality. In the wrong context these mannerisms can be hurtful and prejudicial, but in this show these expressions of individuality are authentic, and joyful.
There is so much work done on this show about masculinity whether, it’s through a person who is trans who doesn’t know how to be dress like a man, a dad who doesn’t know how to connect with other dads, or a mother trying to bring her gay son back into a religion that he feels has reject him because of his sexuality. All of these examples speak to the struggle, the anxiety, and journey to develop their own masculinity that so many men ignore.
One of the main reasons men are unhappy, struggle with fatherhood, treat the women in their lives poorly, is because they aren’t doing the work of the exploring their masculinity. It’s in this journey of discovery and reflection, that men become relieved of the burdens of insecurity, and fear that limits so many men from being authentic selves.
I am grateful that I live a world with Antoni’s creativity, Tan’s sensitivity, Karamo’s empathy, Bobby’s passion, and Jonathan’s amazing hair...I mean his incredible ability to see the inner beauty of people and bring it forward.
Queer Eye is proof that we with optimism and empathy, things can and will keep getting better.
I Love Lucy is one of my mom's favorite shows, and we would watch this show together on summer afternoons. Lucile Ball’s character on this show was multi-dimensional, at times seemingly dim-witted, but at other times smarter than her husband Ricky. Slapstick at times, what was really at the core of this show was a relationship between Ricky and Lucy built on love and mutual respect. I don’t ever remember being told that they were an interracial couple, and the first in a television sit-com but I always knew that there were, and this fact had a profound effect on how I saw marital relationships and the possibilities for love in my own future.
Simpsons has not aged as well for me. There was a time in my life when I would watch two Simpsons episodes a day. I value the times sharing this show with my brother, and there are important and profound lessons that are taken from this show (e.g. Moaning Lisa).
What has become clear as I have rewatched this show is that the evolution of Homer from a well-meaning father into a boorish oaf, and this show’s poor handling of the Abu character, and the controversy surrounding the portrayal of this character has revealed that this show’s true character is not it’s warmth and heart, but focus on quick laughs, and often mediocre satire without meaningful commentary. (Don’t get me started on Family Guy. I used to watch this show all of the time and even defended it. Now I believe it has contributed to some of the baser and more harmful attitudes and viewpoints in our culture.)
We live in an age of reboots, sequels, and referential art. The unimaginable has happened. Star Trek was recast, Full House is going strong, and Stranger Things wonderfully riffed off of everything that was awesome about 1980s pop culture in an innovative and creative way. When I saw the first image of Wolverine from the first X-Men film, I geeked out like you would not believe. Now, I’m not surprised about projects, and not even that excited when something I enjoyed in the past come back, which is why I didn’t really think it was a big deal when Queer Eye came back.
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy ran for five seasons starting in 2003. It came at pivotal time in my life right after I graduated from college, trying to figure out what it meant to be an adult, and continuing my journey of become secure in my masculinity, and knowing what it meant to be a man.
The show’s basic premise was that five gay men would give a straight guy a makeover. They each had a specialty. Ted covered food, Kyan helped with grooming, Thom did interior design, Carson helped with fashion, and Jai would help with culture. Like other makeover shows this was a feel good kind of show, but the obvious twist is that it was gay guys giving advice to straight men.
Let’s think about that for a second. Gay guys, homosexuals giving advice and makeovers to straight men. For generations, the greatest fear of fathers was that their sons would grow up to be gay, and that they would be seen as anything but masculine. The pervasive stereotype was that gay men were everything that straight men were avoiding. So it was shocking, and crazy the idea that straight men could be better straight men from listening to gay men.
Queer Eye sought to prove that there were things that straight men could gain from gay men, and gay culture, and that in doing so this it didn’t make you “gay." Over five seasons Queer Eye proved this over, and over, and over. Learning how to cook and understand food from Ted empowered men to enjoy the wonder and magic of cooking. Kyan showed men that moisturizer, and a well-groomed beard, didn’t make men into women, it made them more appealing to women. Thom proved that putting posters in frames and matching furniture to paint color elevated expressions of masculinity. Carson pushed men to understand that you could have fun with color, and that every man, regardless of body time looked better and more manly in clothing that fits. Jai, oh Jai, sometimes I wondered what he actually did when Thom was busy trying to redo and entire house. His contributions were important, showing straight men different parts of culture, and activities they could explore with their loved ones.
One of the reasons that boys and men struggle in our culture is because straight definitions of masculinity are so narrow. While women in our culture have more challenges in almost every single way, women are free to adapt men’s fashion, but the opposite is not true. Riding the wave metro-sexuality or driving it (I’m not an expert on fashion). While many men still hold onto homophobic ideas, there are more colors in the men’s sections of clothing stores than ever before. Many men will not want to admit that there lives have been enriched by gay culture, (in some ways they have always been), but Queer Eye made this effect more clear, more prominent, and more meaningful.
Queer Eye went away. Like some of the best televisions shows of all time, it didn’t overstay it’s welcome, and in some ways it felt like its job was done. There was a feeling that hearts and minds were won, and with legal victories around marriage equality and milestones in the LGBTQ community, things felt pretty good from where I was sitting.
This bubble of optimism, and the feeling that progress was inevitable, were taken away slowly at first and then violently ripped apart when the 45th won the election. Every month, every week, and seemingly every day, he tries to tear apart what Queer Eye celebrated and built. He is anti-LGBTQ, and has made efforts to revert ideas of masculinity back to generations past. The trans military ban, not acknowledging Pride Month, allowing his own party which recently has been making steps to ban homosexuals from adopting children, are all actions of homophobia, and transphobia. President Obama who expressed his masculinity by being a feminist, a caring father, honoring women, being kind and showing sensitivity. The current guy expresses masculinity by being rude, insulting people, treating women poorly.
As we’ve worked through this trauma, this dramatic shift in the representations of masculinity in the White House, it has become clear we needed something. Before I even imagined what could help, and what we needed to work through some of these issues, what I needed to process all that was going on, Queer Eye came back.
The new Queer Eye is different. They are in the south, sometimes the deep south. There are some very challenging situations that go well beyond a simple makeover. In some ways the people who are being made over, are more open to the advice and the makeover. The bridge building goes both ways. Let’s stop for a second and consider what it means for a southern straight man to take the advice a gay Muslim with such openness and enthusiasm.
This wonderfully diverse group of men are smart, sensitive, great listeners, and kind, exemplifying everything I strive for to be as a man. Important conversations about loaded topics like Black Lives Matters and trans identity happen with care, and an intent to build bridges. Answers are not always given, but human connections are made, and the power of listening, understanding, and empathy are on clear display.
Both version of Queer Eye challenge straight people to reconsider “gay-ness,” as a comedic act but to laugh with these authentic expressions of personality. In the wrong context these mannerisms can be hurtful and prejudicial, but in this show these expressions of individuality are authentic, and joyful.
There is so much work done on this show about masculinity whether, it’s through a person who is trans who doesn’t know how to be dress like a man, a dad who doesn’t know how to connect with other dads, or a mother trying to bring her gay son back into a religion that he feels has reject him because of his sexuality. All of these examples speak to the struggle, the anxiety, and journey to develop their own masculinity that so many men ignore.
One of the main reasons men are unhappy, struggle with fatherhood, treat the women in their lives poorly, is because they aren’t doing the work of the exploring their masculinity. It’s in this journey of discovery and reflection, that men become relieved of the burdens of insecurity, and fear that limits so many men from being authentic selves.
I am grateful that I live a world with Antoni’s creativity, Tan’s sensitivity, Karamo’s empathy, Bobby’s passion, and Jonathan’s amazing hair...I mean his incredible ability to see the inner beauty of people and bring it forward.
Queer Eye is proof that we with optimism and empathy, things can and will keep getting better.
You came into my life
And my world never looked so bright
It's true, you bring out the best in me
When you are around
All things just keep getting better!
The days keep getting better
Nights keep getting better
All things just keep getting better!
Monday, July 9, 2018
Parenthood: Week 275 - Bathtime In the Summer Of 2018
There are acts of childcare that tap into primal feelings that trigger animalistic instincts and deep emotions. When these things go well, they calm and bring comfort, and when they don’t they bring sometimes irrational levels of stress and anxiety. This is why parents stress so much about feeding their children. In most modern day middle-class households children are not going to go hungry, but we get very concerned when kids don’t eat a good dinner, even though they will be fine. This is why you find babies overly wrapped up and sweating in winter clothing. Feeding and keeping your children warm are very basic instincts we have as humans, and the other one is keeping our children clean through bathing.
Bathing your another human being is a wonderful act of care and compassion. It bonds parents with children, and can be a great moment of joy. Many babies immediately love splashing water during baths. Bubbles are magical and the feeling of carefully moving through the process of bathing is an intimate and beautiful way of saying, “I love you.”
When bathing is not in an idea situation it bothers us. I’ll never forget this picture of a newborn being washed in a refugee camp. It’s one of the most impactful images I’ve seen in my entire life. It’s an effort to do something so meaningful, and done with in a situation that no baby, no human being should have to endure. This photo is expression of our failure as a race, and a country to use its privilege to provide for this child the dignity of a bath done in a place that is warm, comforting, and truly a home. When children are robbed of this, it shakes us to the core. It's like the image of a cold child, or a starving baby. These images tap into feelings we try to ignore, but are emotions we really should lean into to better understand our own humanity.
Ollie and I have been through different stages of care related to his bath. At some points Diana took the lead, other times we switched off. There were baths done in the kitchen sink, then done in a little inflatable tub inside of a bath tub. As he got older he got full on baths, sometimes bubble baths, and for a while I took showers with Ollie. He let me know he was ready to move on from that experience about a year ago so now I give him a half baths. I turn on the facet, he sits in the bath, and the bath fills a couple inches as I help him get clean. Sometimes he’s interested in toys, others times he just chills out. Since Ethan has entered our lives, Ollie’s baths have primarily become my duty. Usually Ethan nurses during this time.
Ollie is five years old. He can pretty much give himself a bath, but I still do things for him during this process. Why? Well, because I like to, and while maybe I should push him to do more by himself, I don’t mind it. He does so many things more independently every single day, and sometimes doing things for him isn’t such a bad thing. You can disagree and that’s fine, but I like bathing my boy, and it’s a way that I show that I love him.
For about a week and a half bathtime has become filled with anxiety and fear for me. The stories of the suffering of children who have been separated from their parents at their border has never left me since I became aware of this atrocity. It comes out here and there but it’s never deep below the surface. I try to move forward through my day and not dwell on it, but during bathtime I haven’t been able to move past these thoughts and I experience a waking nightmare in the bathroom with Ollie.
I image Ollie in one of these facilities separated from me and Diana. For some reason what disturbs me the most is imagining him struggling to give himself a bath or a shower. I feel guilty that I’m not pushing Ollie harder to be more independent during bath time, and that I have not prepared him at all to care for himself without me and Diana.
Yes, this feeling of guilt and fear is illogical, and preposterous. I can get Ollie to give himself a bath more independently, but it shouldn’t be in preparation for him to survive without us. No parent of a five year old should be raising their child with the idea that you preparing for them to live on their own. No parent should be doing this, and no child should be yanked away from their parents and have to survive on their own, but it’s happened. It's not fixed, there's been no meaningful apology, and no one has been held accountable for these actions.
I get the empathy gap. You don’t have sympathy for gay people because you aren’t gay. You don’t care about Black Lives Matter because you don’t know any black people. I’m saying I accept people’s empathy gap’s as accepting ways of human behavior. I'm not saying it's ok. However, I cannot understand how every parent in America is not wrecked to the core about what is happening to these kids. It’s probably a race thing. If there were white cute blond toddlers screaming for their mothers while being separate from their parents in English maybe there would be complete outrage in our society. I don't need that representation to feel something.
Maybe it's easier for me to feel something because my kid is a shade of brown, and I am my parents were immigrants. I don’t care what language cries occur, a child's expression of sorrow transcends language. I cannot look at my children and not imagine them in these horrible situations. Whatever rationale people use to push away any empathy for these families and these kids is working against exactly what makes us human, and must be rotting their souls away.
Similar to this nightmare I had about Ollie that I wrote about in this post, when I finally told Diana and she hugged me, bathtime went a lot better for me. It was one of moments when all I needed was validation to process my fears and be able to focus on my kids. Being able the focus on the job I needed to do as a parent and do that well makes me more able to productively think about how I could make this situation better for these families.
It’s not productive to focus on worst case scenarios. However, it’s important that we as parents let ourselves feel the fear, and struggles of other parents in our community, in our country, and in the world. These feelings takes us to dark places, and it can feel like it’s wrecking us from the inside out. However, it’s these moments of discomfort and profound sadness that nurture empathy for others and helps focus and honor the privilege of time and presence that we have with our children.
Bathing your another human being is a wonderful act of care and compassion. It bonds parents with children, and can be a great moment of joy. Many babies immediately love splashing water during baths. Bubbles are magical and the feeling of carefully moving through the process of bathing is an intimate and beautiful way of saying, “I love you.”
When bathing is not in an idea situation it bothers us. I’ll never forget this picture of a newborn being washed in a refugee camp. It’s one of the most impactful images I’ve seen in my entire life. It’s an effort to do something so meaningful, and done with in a situation that no baby, no human being should have to endure. This photo is expression of our failure as a race, and a country to use its privilege to provide for this child the dignity of a bath done in a place that is warm, comforting, and truly a home. When children are robbed of this, it shakes us to the core. It's like the image of a cold child, or a starving baby. These images tap into feelings we try to ignore, but are emotions we really should lean into to better understand our own humanity.
Ollie and I have been through different stages of care related to his bath. At some points Diana took the lead, other times we switched off. There were baths done in the kitchen sink, then done in a little inflatable tub inside of a bath tub. As he got older he got full on baths, sometimes bubble baths, and for a while I took showers with Ollie. He let me know he was ready to move on from that experience about a year ago so now I give him a half baths. I turn on the facet, he sits in the bath, and the bath fills a couple inches as I help him get clean. Sometimes he’s interested in toys, others times he just chills out. Since Ethan has entered our lives, Ollie’s baths have primarily become my duty. Usually Ethan nurses during this time.
Ollie is five years old. He can pretty much give himself a bath, but I still do things for him during this process. Why? Well, because I like to, and while maybe I should push him to do more by himself, I don’t mind it. He does so many things more independently every single day, and sometimes doing things for him isn’t such a bad thing. You can disagree and that’s fine, but I like bathing my boy, and it’s a way that I show that I love him.
For about a week and a half bathtime has become filled with anxiety and fear for me. The stories of the suffering of children who have been separated from their parents at their border has never left me since I became aware of this atrocity. It comes out here and there but it’s never deep below the surface. I try to move forward through my day and not dwell on it, but during bathtime I haven’t been able to move past these thoughts and I experience a waking nightmare in the bathroom with Ollie.
I image Ollie in one of these facilities separated from me and Diana. For some reason what disturbs me the most is imagining him struggling to give himself a bath or a shower. I feel guilty that I’m not pushing Ollie harder to be more independent during bath time, and that I have not prepared him at all to care for himself without me and Diana.
Yes, this feeling of guilt and fear is illogical, and preposterous. I can get Ollie to give himself a bath more independently, but it shouldn’t be in preparation for him to survive without us. No parent of a five year old should be raising their child with the idea that you preparing for them to live on their own. No parent should be doing this, and no child should be yanked away from their parents and have to survive on their own, but it’s happened. It's not fixed, there's been no meaningful apology, and no one has been held accountable for these actions.
I get the empathy gap. You don’t have sympathy for gay people because you aren’t gay. You don’t care about Black Lives Matter because you don’t know any black people. I’m saying I accept people’s empathy gap’s as accepting ways of human behavior. I'm not saying it's ok. However, I cannot understand how every parent in America is not wrecked to the core about what is happening to these kids. It’s probably a race thing. If there were white cute blond toddlers screaming for their mothers while being separate from their parents in English maybe there would be complete outrage in our society. I don't need that representation to feel something.
Maybe it's easier for me to feel something because my kid is a shade of brown, and I am my parents were immigrants. I don’t care what language cries occur, a child's expression of sorrow transcends language. I cannot look at my children and not imagine them in these horrible situations. Whatever rationale people use to push away any empathy for these families and these kids is working against exactly what makes us human, and must be rotting their souls away.
Similar to this nightmare I had about Ollie that I wrote about in this post, when I finally told Diana and she hugged me, bathtime went a lot better for me. It was one of moments when all I needed was validation to process my fears and be able to focus on my kids. Being able the focus on the job I needed to do as a parent and do that well makes me more able to productively think about how I could make this situation better for these families.
It’s not productive to focus on worst case scenarios. However, it’s important that we as parents let ourselves feel the fear, and struggles of other parents in our community, in our country, and in the world. These feelings takes us to dark places, and it can feel like it’s wrecking us from the inside out. However, it’s these moments of discomfort and profound sadness that nurture empathy for others and helps focus and honor the privilege of time and presence that we have with our children.
Friday, July 6, 2018
4th of July – 2018
Not everyone who lived in the colonies when the United States declared its independence wanted to be free of the British. The founders did not agree on important issues related to economics, freedoms, and other important issues like slavery. Americans fought each other during the Civil War, and people continued to fight each other. Every single step our country has made to become more free, equitable, and more just has been a battle.
Women had to fight for the right to vote, and continue had to fight for the right to be treated as equal citizens. It seemed like when I was a kid growing up in the 1980s it seemed that this war was done. However, I’ve come to understand as an adult that there are still battles to be fought, minds to change, hearts to win over, and people, who fear change, to leave behind in the dust.
It is human nature to not want things to change, to fear what is different, and to feel that bringing in others, compromises the strength at the core of our society. It is these fears, that people have manipulated for person gain, and exploited to maintain a status quo that discriminatory, and damaging to our national character, and American identity.
It was independence day on Wednesday, a day when we are suppose eat hot dogs, drink light beer, watch parades and feel proud to be an American. While I’ve always carried shame with me about America’s past and current sins, I haven’t felt more ashamed about the actions of our government than I have in the almost two years. There may some who find this statement unpatriotic, but I would argue that shame of our country, reality is essential to patriotism, and the progress of our country.
We feel shame when we feel responsibility. We don’t feel shame when other people do bad things, we feel shame when we mess up, when someone who love makes a mistake. I feel shame about choices Americans have made, and choices this current administration has made, because I feel a responsibility as a citizen for the country I call home.
To truly understand American history is to know that conflicts between different ideas has always existed in our country. There was never some magical time when everyone in this country agreed on the best path forward. What’s different now is that there is not even lip service coming from the 45th that we are working with this tension, finding common concerns and fears to build bridges. Instead, he continues to use divisive language in an effort to strengthen his base.
We are country of conflict, of tension. It was in our founding, and it’s never left us. Maybe the reason that we are like this as a country is because we value our independence so much. We put so much stock in the fact that we separated from the United Kingdom, as if they were the most evil empire that every existed. Like the young adult who becomes independent of their parents, America made many of the same mistakes of the United Kingdom, and some wrought with far more degrees of damage. Maybe, we are putting too much stock in the idea of independence. Because now more than ever, we are interconnected, and we are dependent on each other to create a society that is more free and more just.
Women had to fight for the right to vote, and continue had to fight for the right to be treated as equal citizens. It seemed like when I was a kid growing up in the 1980s it seemed that this war was done. However, I’ve come to understand as an adult that there are still battles to be fought, minds to change, hearts to win over, and people, who fear change, to leave behind in the dust.
It is human nature to not want things to change, to fear what is different, and to feel that bringing in others, compromises the strength at the core of our society. It is these fears, that people have manipulated for person gain, and exploited to maintain a status quo that discriminatory, and damaging to our national character, and American identity.
It was independence day on Wednesday, a day when we are suppose eat hot dogs, drink light beer, watch parades and feel proud to be an American. While I’ve always carried shame with me about America’s past and current sins, I haven’t felt more ashamed about the actions of our government than I have in the almost two years. There may some who find this statement unpatriotic, but I would argue that shame of our country, reality is essential to patriotism, and the progress of our country.
We feel shame when we feel responsibility. We don’t feel shame when other people do bad things, we feel shame when we mess up, when someone who love makes a mistake. I feel shame about choices Americans have made, and choices this current administration has made, because I feel a responsibility as a citizen for the country I call home.
To truly understand American history is to know that conflicts between different ideas has always existed in our country. There was never some magical time when everyone in this country agreed on the best path forward. What’s different now is that there is not even lip service coming from the 45th that we are working with this tension, finding common concerns and fears to build bridges. Instead, he continues to use divisive language in an effort to strengthen his base.
We are country of conflict, of tension. It was in our founding, and it’s never left us. Maybe the reason that we are like this as a country is because we value our independence so much. We put so much stock in the fact that we separated from the United Kingdom, as if they were the most evil empire that every existed. Like the young adult who becomes independent of their parents, America made many of the same mistakes of the United Kingdom, and some wrought with far more degrees of damage. Maybe, we are putting too much stock in the idea of independence. Because now more than ever, we are interconnected, and we are dependent on each other to create a society that is more free and more just.
Monday, July 2, 2018
Parenthood: Week 274 - Fear
Like many modern fathers (not all), I mentally prepared myself for the many different dimensions of my children’s’ identities. I knew my children would be mixed race, and I also resolved to let them take their own journeys through their cultural identity, and embrace their Asian-ness, in whatever degree they felt comfortable.
I pictured my children being in different places on the spectrum of gender identity, and sexual orientation, and resolved to love and accept this part of themselves. After having taught for twelve years, I have learned that special needs is not a defect, but rather a feature, and that it would be likely that my child would have special needs on some level.
Unlike fathers of previous generations, (and unfortunately far too many modern fathers), I don’t fear my son being a homosexual, wanting to play with dolls, having female friends, not being playing sports, or spending too much time with mommy. Instead of fearing that my son won’t be a “man,” I fear something that Trae Crowder in this Rolling Stone article, so clearly expresses:
Things in our world don’t stay static, they get better or worse, and if a group of teachers, a society doesn’t actively work to make a community more diverse, inclusive, and equitable, it will get worse. The 45th and his administration's choice to not proactively work, and talk about protecting and expanding rights for all, have made things worse. And the only thing keeping this wave at bay, are those of us who resist.
I’ve been telling my boys that I love them, easily twice as much as usual this past week. I do this in the hope that my words will develop into their own internal monologue of positive self-talk, and strong self-esteem, powerful enough to withstand whatever the world throws at them.
Fear can motivate, it can bring people together, and can inspire action. As I’ve learned as a parent, fear can make one love even more. Every time I experience an audio clip, picture, or video I experience of a child separated from their parents I feel fear. I fear for those children, I fear for their parents and I fear for the world my boys will inherit. But I know that what I feel for these famlies and my boys is a fear that comes from empathy, and from love. With that love and the strength it brings, I believe we will continue to resist, and eventually overcome.
I pictured my children being in different places on the spectrum of gender identity, and sexual orientation, and resolved to love and accept this part of themselves. After having taught for twelve years, I have learned that special needs is not a defect, but rather a feature, and that it would be likely that my child would have special needs on some level.
Unlike fathers of previous generations, (and unfortunately far too many modern fathers), I don’t fear my son being a homosexual, wanting to play with dolls, having female friends, not being playing sports, or spending too much time with mommy. Instead of fearing that my son won’t be a “man,” I fear something that Trae Crowder in this Rolling Stone article, so clearly expresses:
I think about the possibility of one of them being gay, or transgender, or atheist, or hell even just a little fuckin’ weird – however they want to be. And then I think about the idea of backward-ass bigots treating them terribly just because of that; calling them names, making them feel less than human, all that good ol-fashioned god-fearin’ stuff. I think about that…and I get fucking furious…Well we do think of the children. But more than that, we think of you too, and of the terrible things that so many kids might be subjected to if you have your way. And it scares the hell out of us.When I was in high school derogatory homosexual jokes were everyone. Not just in the hallways, but also in classrooms, and often in earshot of teachers, who more often than not said nothing. While it’s naive for me to think that students in my school don’t use these types of insults, I know for a fact that these comments are not out in the open, and that teachers are vigilant and address any comments that even hint at homophobia.
Things in our world don’t stay static, they get better or worse, and if a group of teachers, a society doesn’t actively work to make a community more diverse, inclusive, and equitable, it will get worse. The 45th and his administration's choice to not proactively work, and talk about protecting and expanding rights for all, have made things worse. And the only thing keeping this wave at bay, are those of us who resist.
I’ve been telling my boys that I love them, easily twice as much as usual this past week. I do this in the hope that my words will develop into their own internal monologue of positive self-talk, and strong self-esteem, powerful enough to withstand whatever the world throws at them.
Fear can motivate, it can bring people together, and can inspire action. As I’ve learned as a parent, fear can make one love even more. Every time I experience an audio clip, picture, or video I experience of a child separated from their parents I feel fear. I fear for those children, I fear for their parents and I fear for the world my boys will inherit. But I know that what I feel for these famlies and my boys is a fear that comes from empathy, and from love. With that love and the strength it brings, I believe we will continue to resist, and eventually overcome.
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