We’ve all seen it, and most of us have done it. A group of students are talking in line so we tell them to line up alternating boy, girl. We come up with a seating chart and want to prevent students from talking so we sit them in an alternating gender pattern.
For the most part this strategy works. The talking is less, students seem more on task when genders are split, so we keep doing it. Just because something works, doesn’t mean it’s right, and lately I’ve been thinking that maybe this practice is wrong.
When we split up students by gender expecting that they will not be as talkative, we are expressing to them the idea that boys and girls are not and should not be friends. This division of gender often is used to keep boys in line, which means that the girls who are between boys are seen as “buffers,” responsible for keeping boys quiet. This is putting the boys needs ahead of the girls. When we organize our kids by gender, in a seating chart, it tells students that this is how they are seen first and foremost by their teachers, as girls and boys.
Why does this matter? The idea that boys and girls cannot be friends is damaging, ridiculous, and absurd. But somehow, it’s an idea that continues to be propagated in our society as a primary defining gender characteristic. Boys and girls can be friends, and they should be encouraged to do so, if we are to break down the false dichotomy between masculinity and femininity that is part of the foundation for institutional sexism. Of course, people have issues in male/female marriages. How are you supposed to have a friendship and a partnership with the opposite sex and be successful, if you’ve been told all your life that you can’t be friends with someone of the opposite sex?
So, you sit a quiet girl between two boys who talk too much. Great, it keeps the boys quiet but how does this benefit the girl? The quiet students are far too often overlooked and underserved. This is not equitable. These “buffers” deserve to be seated in a way that benefits them, not just benefits the students around them. And no, they don’t “learn,” by helping others be quiet. That doesn’t make any sense. A girl should not be in a “buffer,” to help other boys be quiet. That can’t be her responsibility or role, it should be boys’ responsibility to learn how to not be disruptive.
Students need to know that we see them. Not just their gender, but all of the facets of their identity. When they feel because of our seating that we see gender first, and most primary, we are misrepresenting how we see our students as a whole child. If we want them to break out of over-the-top and disingenuous expressions of femininity, and masculinity, they students need to feel that their gender identity is not our only focus.
So, what should we do instead? I’m not sure. Maybe, it’s doing random seating. Or maybe it’s starting the year alphabetically and then going from there. Not all ‘’buffers,” are girls, and not all students work better in groups that have boys and girls. We need to spend the extra time to get to know our kids so they understand that line order, and groups aren’t made because of their gender but because of who their friends are and their individual learning needs.
Students should never feel that it’s a punishment after walking in noisy line to have to stand next to someone of the opposite gender. Think about that for a second. We want to create a community where feminism is nurtured, and institutional sexism is addressed. If anything, students should feel excited about the opportunity to stand next to the opposite gender, not forlorn.
These practices are too wrought with unintended sexist messages, reinforce the sexism that we are trying so hard to fight against. Go ahead, split up students who talk too much, and if they happen to all be boys, that’s fine. You aren’t doing this because of their gender. This has to do with friendships and how to adjust them for a classroom, and that’s a teachable moment. The punishment isn’t that they have to stand next to girls, it’s that they can’t be near each other until they work it out. This must be clearly explained. And it can be and should be even at the younger grades.
And we must pause to think what this all means to someone who is unsure of their gender identity and feels anxiety with these categorizations.
If we can stop referring to mixed groups of students as "guys," we can figure out a better way to line up our students and keep them from talking.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Monday, August 27, 2018
Parenthood: Week 281 – Ethan At 10 Months
Ethan, our little one turned 10 months old this past week. He is doing really well, and we are really proud of him. Some teeth have come in, three on the bottom front and some on top as well. This gives him a really wonderful asymmetrical smile. This added to the fact that his smile sometimes includes a nose scrunch adds to this level of cuteness.
The boy is fully mobile. It’s only about a month since he was in army crawl mode and now has mastered got the bottom-off-the-ground crawl. Ethan is fast now. He can really move when he wants to. He also effectively pulls up on couches and other furniture which means that he needs a lot of supervision even with the baby gates.
It’s really cute to see him gain a level of self-determination. He is no longer fully reliant on me and Diana for going to places that he wants to go. Ethan gets really excited when he sees something that he wants and is able to crawl at full speed over to it. He has aware of some things he know he shouldn’t get into like Buffy’s water dish. When he starts crawling to it, I will call his name, he will look back at me and pause, and then try to crawl even faster. Ethan sees this as a game, and even though it’s not great when he wins and spills the water all over himself, it’s not that big of a deal and it’s super cute.
Ethan has learned how to wave. Yes, it’s more of a full arm up and down motion, but he’s understands the concept. If someone smiles at him, and moves their arm, that means he does the same thing back. It’s not all of the time, but he’s getting a lot better at that and his high-fives.
Eating is an entertaining adventure. Meal time is a combination of science and the culinary arts. Ethan experiments with gravity with his Cheerios, explores the texture of bananas, and is studying the relationship between the vibrations that happen when he pounds his highchair tray and food jumping off of it onto the floor. He does get things in his mouth at times. Ethan like most kids like bread, pasta waffles, and fruit. He is doing pretty good with proteins and drinks pretty well through a straw cup.
Most of the experiences with Ethan are like the experience of hearing a song that you loved after a couple years. It’s a fresh experience, but it’s comforting and familiar. Though are some things that are different with Ethan. I don’t remember Ollie crawling away at my chest and check when I put carry him in the carrier (Ethan does this a lot). Also, Ethan is more aware of Buffy at this age looking over the edge of his hair chair and deliberately dropping food down for her. The timing of Ethan’s development is different than Ollie’s but not by much. Going through these stages in different seasons of the year (Ethan was born in the fall, and Ollie was born in the late Spring), makes many of the milestones feel different and special.
Ethan is a fun-loving little baby. He’s happy to cuddle, to giggle, and to smile. Spending time with him is a reminder of what is really important in life. He’s more interested in me than any toy. All he needs to feel safe is a hug, and all he wants is my attention. The more I give, the better I feel.
Life just makes more sense when I spend time with my boy.
The boy is fully mobile. It’s only about a month since he was in army crawl mode and now has mastered got the bottom-off-the-ground crawl. Ethan is fast now. He can really move when he wants to. He also effectively pulls up on couches and other furniture which means that he needs a lot of supervision even with the baby gates.
It’s really cute to see him gain a level of self-determination. He is no longer fully reliant on me and Diana for going to places that he wants to go. Ethan gets really excited when he sees something that he wants and is able to crawl at full speed over to it. He has aware of some things he know he shouldn’t get into like Buffy’s water dish. When he starts crawling to it, I will call his name, he will look back at me and pause, and then try to crawl even faster. Ethan sees this as a game, and even though it’s not great when he wins and spills the water all over himself, it’s not that big of a deal and it’s super cute.
Ethan has learned how to wave. Yes, it’s more of a full arm up and down motion, but he’s understands the concept. If someone smiles at him, and moves their arm, that means he does the same thing back. It’s not all of the time, but he’s getting a lot better at that and his high-fives.
Eating is an entertaining adventure. Meal time is a combination of science and the culinary arts. Ethan experiments with gravity with his Cheerios, explores the texture of bananas, and is studying the relationship between the vibrations that happen when he pounds his highchair tray and food jumping off of it onto the floor. He does get things in his mouth at times. Ethan like most kids like bread, pasta waffles, and fruit. He is doing pretty good with proteins and drinks pretty well through a straw cup.
Most of the experiences with Ethan are like the experience of hearing a song that you loved after a couple years. It’s a fresh experience, but it’s comforting and familiar. Though are some things that are different with Ethan. I don’t remember Ollie crawling away at my chest and check when I put carry him in the carrier (Ethan does this a lot). Also, Ethan is more aware of Buffy at this age looking over the edge of his hair chair and deliberately dropping food down for her. The timing of Ethan’s development is different than Ollie’s but not by much. Going through these stages in different seasons of the year (Ethan was born in the fall, and Ollie was born in the late Spring), makes many of the milestones feel different and special.
Ethan is a fun-loving little baby. He’s happy to cuddle, to giggle, and to smile. Spending time with him is a reminder of what is really important in life. He’s more interested in me than any toy. All he needs to feel safe is a hug, and all he wants is my attention. The more I give, the better I feel.
Life just makes more sense when I spend time with my boy.
Friday, August 24, 2018
On Cooking
One of my favorite places to go with my mother is the grocery store. Ever since I was a child, I loved going grocery shopping with her. There was something magical about the grocery store to me as a child. There’s all of these different flavors, colors, and textures. There are some food that you can just pick off the shelf and eat immediately. Then there are the different ingredients that can combined through the chemistry and magic of cooking to become an almost infinite number of dishes.
I always got the sense my mom enjoyed grocery shopping. She gets excited about different fruits that were fresh, she engages people at the seafood and the meat counter. She has a passion for food, and an imagination for what food can be. What’s amazing about the grocery store is that within, even in a store that has a limited “ethnic” food section, the potential for diversity, and representation that can come out of the ingredients in a grocery store is beautiful, powerful, and inspiring.
We have a complicated relationship with food in our culture. Americans love food. They love talking about food, they love eating food. There’s some strange, about how a person in our country who may hold racist views about Mexican, still loves a great taco. We feel shame about our fast food cultures, and the harm many feel it is doing to the health, and the youth of our country, but we have no problem admiring these companies’ capitalistic success.
These complications are reflected in how we cook. Americans want to know how to cook. They watch cooking shows, and competitions on television, and online. People buy cook books, and the growth of the “ship stuff to your house, and have you cook your own meal at home” industry has shown that cooking is something we value. However, it’s hard to find time to cook. And for far many of us, the tradition of cooking with our parents and/or grandparents the primary way most people learn how to cook has been lost.
Cooking for me is one of the most important ways that I show love to the people in my life and have received love from my parents. And I wonder what we have lost. People receive and show love in different ways. These ways have to be taught, and maybe, there has been some love that hasn’t been shown, because some of us don’t know how to do this through food.
My mom taught me how to cook. More than that she taught me how to think about cooking. There’s only a couple recipes I have written down from my mom. Mostly what she taught me were concepts, and ideas about how ingredients work together, the idea that flavors can change, and be directed. She inspired me to look deeper and find joy in exploring the mystery of the creation of food.
Things that are important to us connect others in our lives. When I’m at the grocery store, by myself or with my son, I feel my mom with me. When I’m cooking, and I’m tasting food, I think about her, and my identity as a Taiwanese-American. It’s a way that connection to her is felt, and I’m trying to make that association with my sons. Because by knowing the culture of food in our family, my boys will feel pride in themselves.
Not everything I cook is great. But there are the moments when something I cook transcends my own skills, and something truly magical happens in the kitchen. When this happens and a dish I cook is truly amazing, I always whisper to myself “thanks mom.”
I always got the sense my mom enjoyed grocery shopping. She gets excited about different fruits that were fresh, she engages people at the seafood and the meat counter. She has a passion for food, and an imagination for what food can be. What’s amazing about the grocery store is that within, even in a store that has a limited “ethnic” food section, the potential for diversity, and representation that can come out of the ingredients in a grocery store is beautiful, powerful, and inspiring.
We have a complicated relationship with food in our culture. Americans love food. They love talking about food, they love eating food. There’s some strange, about how a person in our country who may hold racist views about Mexican, still loves a great taco. We feel shame about our fast food cultures, and the harm many feel it is doing to the health, and the youth of our country, but we have no problem admiring these companies’ capitalistic success.
These complications are reflected in how we cook. Americans want to know how to cook. They watch cooking shows, and competitions on television, and online. People buy cook books, and the growth of the “ship stuff to your house, and have you cook your own meal at home” industry has shown that cooking is something we value. However, it’s hard to find time to cook. And for far many of us, the tradition of cooking with our parents and/or grandparents the primary way most people learn how to cook has been lost.
Cooking for me is one of the most important ways that I show love to the people in my life and have received love from my parents. And I wonder what we have lost. People receive and show love in different ways. These ways have to be taught, and maybe, there has been some love that hasn’t been shown, because some of us don’t know how to do this through food.
My mom taught me how to cook. More than that she taught me how to think about cooking. There’s only a couple recipes I have written down from my mom. Mostly what she taught me were concepts, and ideas about how ingredients work together, the idea that flavors can change, and be directed. She inspired me to look deeper and find joy in exploring the mystery of the creation of food.
Things that are important to us connect others in our lives. When I’m at the grocery store, by myself or with my son, I feel my mom with me. When I’m cooking, and I’m tasting food, I think about her, and my identity as a Taiwanese-American. It’s a way that connection to her is felt, and I’m trying to make that association with my sons. Because by knowing the culture of food in our family, my boys will feel pride in themselves.
Not everything I cook is great. But there are the moments when something I cook transcends my own skills, and something truly magical happens in the kitchen. When this happens and a dish I cook is truly amazing, I always whisper to myself “thanks mom.”
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Parenthood: Week 280 – Giving Up The Lead
Have you ever let a five-year-old take the lead in playtime? I mean really and completely let a child tell you what to do and how to play? It’s fascinating…and a little confusing.
When you have a kid, a lot of what they do when they play with by themselves, and with you is up to what you present to them. You and your partner are the one who controls what toys comes into the house, what television shows they watch and what book they read. Don’t forget, while you 3-year old may insist on reading that same book, over and over and over, you or your partner is responsible for bringing that book into their lives. You are the one to blame.
The other part of this is the fact that we as parents very much encourage our children to participate in play that mirrors our own interests. I like Transformers, my son plays with Transformers. I have a friend how’s a Cubs fan, and so is his son. It’s not a coincidence.
Now as children get older their imagination develops and their play expands beyond what you give them to play with. For example, you may get your child a set of wooden blocks, and they may be building spaceships, castles, or something else you didn’t intend for them to imagine. This is a very cool development but it can be hard to understand.
One of the things that I’ve been consciously doing is letting Ollie explain to me and lead me when we play together. My instinct is to present a game or a toy to play with him and encourage him to play the toy, “correctly.” Instead of this, I’ve been letting Ollie tell me what to do. Since Ollie is really into Inside Out, Power Rangers, and some different books, his play is an amalgamation of all of these things. He doesn’t understand that they exist in different narrative universes, so he combines them.
What is revealed when I let Ollie take a lead is that he has a plan, and an internal logic in what he is trying to set up and play out. I often can’t figure out what this is, but the repetition of directions, and his insistence that I do things a certain way demonstrates that there is thought behind his actions and his directions.
Like every other age and stage of development there are new challenges now that Ollie is five. His tantrums have become more intense, and he has become less flexible with transitions. However, his imaginative play has really blossomed and his creativity has become truly wonderful. This along with this deeper level of thought and curiosity has been really enjoyable.
One of things that you have to let go of when you play with five-year-old is your own logic, and your rules of order. Don’t try to figure out or even understand what you kid is doing or is asking you to do. Just go along for the ride. It doesn’t have to make sense to you for your child to have fun playing with you. Give your child the power and let her make up the rules. It feels strange at first, but you will have fun, and enjoy the wonder of her world.
When you have a kid, a lot of what they do when they play with by themselves, and with you is up to what you present to them. You and your partner are the one who controls what toys comes into the house, what television shows they watch and what book they read. Don’t forget, while you 3-year old may insist on reading that same book, over and over and over, you or your partner is responsible for bringing that book into their lives. You are the one to blame.
The other part of this is the fact that we as parents very much encourage our children to participate in play that mirrors our own interests. I like Transformers, my son plays with Transformers. I have a friend how’s a Cubs fan, and so is his son. It’s not a coincidence.
Now as children get older their imagination develops and their play expands beyond what you give them to play with. For example, you may get your child a set of wooden blocks, and they may be building spaceships, castles, or something else you didn’t intend for them to imagine. This is a very cool development but it can be hard to understand.
One of the things that I’ve been consciously doing is letting Ollie explain to me and lead me when we play together. My instinct is to present a game or a toy to play with him and encourage him to play the toy, “correctly.” Instead of this, I’ve been letting Ollie tell me what to do. Since Ollie is really into Inside Out, Power Rangers, and some different books, his play is an amalgamation of all of these things. He doesn’t understand that they exist in different narrative universes, so he combines them.
What is revealed when I let Ollie take a lead is that he has a plan, and an internal logic in what he is trying to set up and play out. I often can’t figure out what this is, but the repetition of directions, and his insistence that I do things a certain way demonstrates that there is thought behind his actions and his directions.
Like every other age and stage of development there are new challenges now that Ollie is five. His tantrums have become more intense, and he has become less flexible with transitions. However, his imaginative play has really blossomed and his creativity has become truly wonderful. This along with this deeper level of thought and curiosity has been really enjoyable.
One of things that you have to let go of when you play with five-year-old is your own logic, and your rules of order. Don’t try to figure out or even understand what you kid is doing or is asking you to do. Just go along for the ride. It doesn’t have to make sense to you for your child to have fun playing with you. Give your child the power and let her make up the rules. It feels strange at first, but you will have fun, and enjoy the wonder of her world.
Friday, August 17, 2018
Smile A Little Smile
We were both tired.
In a week’s time we had been in three different states, crossing the country with our two boys. Plane flights, car rides, planning, packing, unpacking, organizing, and all that had gone into these travels were testing our endurance, but we were making it work. As other parents would understand, we were not on vacation, we were going on a trip.
Many children are oblivious to the incredible amount of work parents put into going on “vacation.” I mean many children don’t understand how much work it takes to simply take them to the park some times. And yes, you have to do this work when you are an adult going on vacation, but it’s nothing like taking kids traveling. In short, a vacation is when you go somewhere to relax, and rejuvenate. Both of these things can happen on a trip with children for yourself, but you put a lot of this aside to make it great for your children.
The day went pretty well. Ollie had a meltdown during dinner, which wasn’t that bad, but it was taxing. The kids both had fun during the day, everyone got fed, the hotel room wasn’t a complete train wreck. After a lot of effort, trust, and team-work, we got the kids to bed. I was planning to go out and meet my brother who was traveling with us with his family for a drink after the kids went to bed.
Before I left, I saw that Diana had set herself up in bed. She had headphones on, and an iPad propped up on her legs. The soft glow of Orange Is The New Black projected on her face, as she relaxed into the bed. I went over to the bed, crawled on top of the it, and leaned over. I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that I was heading out, and we said goodbye to each other. I headed towards the door, paused, and went back to Diana. I tapped her on shoulder again, and she took off her head phones again, and asked if something was wrong. “Nothing, everything is fine, I just wanted to say ‘I love you.’” She smiled, gave me a kiss, and turned her attention back to her iPad.
We are coming up on the anniversary of the day when I first met Diana sixteen years ago. For me this is one of the most significant, if not the most important moment in our relationship. It was when this whole adventure started, it was the first time I saw that smile.
So much has changed in our lives in the past sixteen years. Idealism has been chipped away at, struggles have been faced, and challenges have been overcome. In many ways, Diana has grown in the time that I’ve known her. She’s more intelligent, more worldly, wiser, and stronger. But that smile hasn’t changed.
There’s so much spirit, energy and life in that smile. And the way she looks at me, telling me with that expression how much I make her happy, how much I mean to her, has never changed. I saw it the first time I danced with her, when I held her hands as we walked up to the alter, when she met Buffy for the first time, and when she held Ethan after he was born.
That smile made the work of the trip not seem like a big deal and made the stress of the journey ahead disappear. Because that smile has always brought me into the moment and focused me on what is at the core my life, how we are here with and for each other.
An expression cannot be a vacation, but it can bring peace the world, and it can bring priorities into focus. Diana’s smile does this, and in the hardest of days, in the most difficult moments, it brings rest, rejuvenations, and joy.
In a week’s time we had been in three different states, crossing the country with our two boys. Plane flights, car rides, planning, packing, unpacking, organizing, and all that had gone into these travels were testing our endurance, but we were making it work. As other parents would understand, we were not on vacation, we were going on a trip.
Many children are oblivious to the incredible amount of work parents put into going on “vacation.” I mean many children don’t understand how much work it takes to simply take them to the park some times. And yes, you have to do this work when you are an adult going on vacation, but it’s nothing like taking kids traveling. In short, a vacation is when you go somewhere to relax, and rejuvenate. Both of these things can happen on a trip with children for yourself, but you put a lot of this aside to make it great for your children.
The day went pretty well. Ollie had a meltdown during dinner, which wasn’t that bad, but it was taxing. The kids both had fun during the day, everyone got fed, the hotel room wasn’t a complete train wreck. After a lot of effort, trust, and team-work, we got the kids to bed. I was planning to go out and meet my brother who was traveling with us with his family for a drink after the kids went to bed.
Before I left, I saw that Diana had set herself up in bed. She had headphones on, and an iPad propped up on her legs. The soft glow of Orange Is The New Black projected on her face, as she relaxed into the bed. I went over to the bed, crawled on top of the it, and leaned over. I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that I was heading out, and we said goodbye to each other. I headed towards the door, paused, and went back to Diana. I tapped her on shoulder again, and she took off her head phones again, and asked if something was wrong. “Nothing, everything is fine, I just wanted to say ‘I love you.’” She smiled, gave me a kiss, and turned her attention back to her iPad.
We are coming up on the anniversary of the day when I first met Diana sixteen years ago. For me this is one of the most significant, if not the most important moment in our relationship. It was when this whole adventure started, it was the first time I saw that smile.
So much has changed in our lives in the past sixteen years. Idealism has been chipped away at, struggles have been faced, and challenges have been overcome. In many ways, Diana has grown in the time that I’ve known her. She’s more intelligent, more worldly, wiser, and stronger. But that smile hasn’t changed.
There’s so much spirit, energy and life in that smile. And the way she looks at me, telling me with that expression how much I make her happy, how much I mean to her, has never changed. I saw it the first time I danced with her, when I held her hands as we walked up to the alter, when she met Buffy for the first time, and when she held Ethan after he was born.
That smile made the work of the trip not seem like a big deal and made the stress of the journey ahead disappear. Because that smile has always brought me into the moment and focused me on what is at the core my life, how we are here with and for each other.
An expression cannot be a vacation, but it can bring peace the world, and it can bring priorities into focus. Diana’s smile does this, and in the hardest of days, in the most difficult moments, it brings rest, rejuvenations, and joy.
Monday, August 13, 2018
Parenthood - Week 280: Guiltless Time Away
Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
From each other
Opening lyircs from “Hard To Say I’m Sorry,” by Chicago
Parents aren’t supposed to spend all day, every day, with their children. Human beings were evolved to live in multigenerational extended family community. Children would spend time with grandparents, aunts, and older cousins, as much as parents. In this model child-rearing is a community responsibility.
Parents are also not supposed to be away from their children for extended periods of time. The essential bonds that are built between children and their parents are the foundation for self-esteem, and positive self-worth. This is built on a foundation of spending quality time together. If a mother is away from their child, and has great caretakers, the child will still likely pine for the mom, and often this lack of relationship will require work to process (e.g. children who are adopted).
In our modern society, figuring out this balance is a constant struggle for parents. Some parents feel that they need to spend every possible moment with their child, and inevitably feel burned out. On the other end of the spectrum, there are parents who can’t figure out a way between work, life, and the oh so pleasurable tasks of adulting to find enough quality time with their children.
This balancing act is exacerbated by the fact, that we as a society, aren’t 100% behind the idea, that time away from your kids (especially for women), at even the newborn stage is healthy for parents. Add the double standard in which we judge women who work full time jobs as not spending enough time with their offspring, but don’t seem to be at all concerned whether fathers who work are spending enough time with their children. In my experience anecdotally, women are far more likely be asked “who is watching the children,” during work or social events as men. The implied message of this microaggression is that they should be the one’s at home.
All of this creates a negative internal dialogue, in which parents feel bad about wanting to have time for themselves and feel worse about not enjoying the time they are spending with their own children when that time is well, too much time. Add on the fact that for each parent, and for each child, this amount of time together and apart to reach a happy equilibrium is different and that this balance changes over time, and we get into a pretty “lose-lose” situation for modern parents.
Unfortunately, this isn’t one of those post that is going to end in some insight to help make sense of this madness. All I got for this one is this: Parents you deserve and need guiltless time away from your children, and with your children. Free from the guilt of unreasonable and sexist parenting expectations, and the guilt of work demands that does not value people’s roles as parents in their lives. If you are struggling with this balance, that means you care about your kids, and about your own self-care. This feeling of struggle, and frustration means that you are doing parenting right, asking the right questions, and doing the best you can.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Year 9: Week 0 - Vision Creation
What social justice concern resonates the most deeply with you?
Right now, in this moment, what most occupies my mind in relation to social justice is destructive masculinity. My entire life, I’ve bristled against the strict, unrealistic, and damaging ideas of masculinity that have been propagated in order to create a false dichotomy against femininity. It is this false dichotomy, femininity vs. masculinity, women vs. men, which is one of the foundational factors behind sexism. The insecurity, emotional damage, and trauma related to maintaining this dichotomy contributes to issues in our country related to racism, classism, and heterosexism. At the root of this discrimination, and prejudice, are men who do not know who they are as men and who they can be as men.
I have great empathy for the men who struggle, those who do not fit in. The geeks, and freaks. The ones who would rather read play a role playing game than play football. The boys who would rather watch Doctor Who than a basketball game. The boys who feel more comfortable with girls as platonic friends than boys. They are the boy that I see in my younger self. They are those that through trauma, and self-doubt, have had to overcome and learn to love themselves not because of, but despite what our society holds dear, lifts with pride, and embraces as heroism.
It breaks my heart when a boy shuns a girl who is a friend because he is teased by peers that he “likes” her. It breaks my heart that a boy spends time in the car as his dad drives him to school worried about whether it’s ok for him to kiss his father, and say “I love you,” when he is dropped off. It breaks my heart that a boy is called “gay” for liking Broadways music, and doesn’t see the fallacy in this insult, and reconsiders spending time with the baseball cards he bought in a vain attempt to fit in.
What builds me up are the men love their sons unconditionally and truly understand what that means. What builds me up are men who embrace feminism as liberation for women as well as themselves. What builds me up is men who openly talk about their emotions, value affection over violence, and define success not as money earned, but rather as empathy cultivated.
Liberation for men looks likes a group of boys on the playground wearing clothing that is colorful and reflects heroism that goes beyond sports and superheroes. Liberation for men is a woman feeling safe to go on a date with a man because she has no fear of emotional or physical violence. Liberation for men feels like looking into the eyes of one who loves you completely, and knowing that whatever you say, whatever you do, and however you express yourself, you will be loved.
Justice for men is all men coming together, acknowledging past wounds of the patriarchy, and systems of oppression towards men who do not fit unattainable and exclusive views of masculinity. Justice is breaking these systems apart in our society, and justice is working past these biases and internal feelings that keep men apart from each other, and their true authentic expressions of their inner spirit.
Right now, in this moment, what most occupies my mind in relation to social justice is destructive masculinity. My entire life, I’ve bristled against the strict, unrealistic, and damaging ideas of masculinity that have been propagated in order to create a false dichotomy against femininity. It is this false dichotomy, femininity vs. masculinity, women vs. men, which is one of the foundational factors behind sexism. The insecurity, emotional damage, and trauma related to maintaining this dichotomy contributes to issues in our country related to racism, classism, and heterosexism. At the root of this discrimination, and prejudice, are men who do not know who they are as men and who they can be as men.
I have great empathy for the men who struggle, those who do not fit in. The geeks, and freaks. The ones who would rather read play a role playing game than play football. The boys who would rather watch Doctor Who than a basketball game. The boys who feel more comfortable with girls as platonic friends than boys. They are the boy that I see in my younger self. They are those that through trauma, and self-doubt, have had to overcome and learn to love themselves not because of, but despite what our society holds dear, lifts with pride, and embraces as heroism.
It breaks my heart when a boy shuns a girl who is a friend because he is teased by peers that he “likes” her. It breaks my heart that a boy spends time in the car as his dad drives him to school worried about whether it’s ok for him to kiss his father, and say “I love you,” when he is dropped off. It breaks my heart that a boy is called “gay” for liking Broadways music, and doesn’t see the fallacy in this insult, and reconsiders spending time with the baseball cards he bought in a vain attempt to fit in.
What builds me up are the men love their sons unconditionally and truly understand what that means. What builds me up are men who embrace feminism as liberation for women as well as themselves. What builds me up is men who openly talk about their emotions, value affection over violence, and define success not as money earned, but rather as empathy cultivated.
Liberation for men looks likes a group of boys on the playground wearing clothing that is colorful and reflects heroism that goes beyond sports and superheroes. Liberation for men is a woman feeling safe to go on a date with a man because she has no fear of emotional or physical violence. Liberation for men feels like looking into the eyes of one who loves you completely, and knowing that whatever you say, whatever you do, and however you express yourself, you will be loved.
Justice for men is all men coming together, acknowledging past wounds of the patriarchy, and systems of oppression towards men who do not fit unattainable and exclusive views of masculinity. Justice is breaking these systems apart in our society, and justice is working past these biases and internal feelings that keep men apart from each other, and their true authentic expressions of their inner spirit.
Monday, August 6, 2018
Parenthood: Week 279 - The Gift Of Sleep
When we sleep, we are at our most vulnerable. To recharge, and get the essential rest of sleep, we have to trust in the safety our surroundings, so that we can look within, and reengage with our internal self. When people have to sleep in places that are not safe, the rest that comes is insufficient. This affects every function in the waking hours, and over time can create stress, anxiety, and can crush the human spirit.
When we sleep with another person, we are putting our trust in that person. We are saying that that we believe that they will not harm us, and that they will protest us from outside factors, and our internal imaginations that may bring fear into our deams.
It wasn’t a special night. There wasn’t anything extraordinary that happened that day. Diana had some things she was finishing up for work, so I retired to bed without her. As I do periodically, I picked up Buffy, our dog, and cuddled with her in bed.
Like how the love for a dog is it’s own unique shade of blue, the feeling of a dog next to you as you cuddle, is similar to cuddling with a human that you love but different. There is a connection between a human and a dog that crosses species, that goes beyond our nature as animals vying for survival. It’s felt deeply, different, and most profoundly when sharing a bed.
Buffy will never ask to cuddle but when I put her on the bed, and pull her close she will stay, even though there are sometime some disgruntled grunts as we settle down. Sometimes we spoon, other times she lays in the crook of my arm with her head on my shoulder, and that night she lay facing me as we both were on our sides.
I looked into Buffy’s eyes. Slowly, I saw her eyes begin to close. I could see her third eye lid (dog’s have another eyelid btw), slowly begin to close moving sideways across her eye and then open back up. After a couple minutes, it relaxed letting her eyes completely close. It felt wonderful that my eyes looking into hers provided a feeling of safety for my puppy.
That a couple years ago.
Last week, Diana and I heard Ollie’s footsteps as we settled down on the couch in front of the television. She had put him to bed, and we both thought that he was ready to sleep for the night. I walked over and asked him if he needed something, and he asked, “can I have a little bit more time with you daddy?” Time. This was just a matter of time, all he wanted was time. Not an extra story, or a toy, or any materialistic thing. He just wanted time. I said sure, and headed up stairs.
I cuddled up in bed with him as he requested, and we lay there in the soft light of his night light laying on our sides facing each other. I held his hand. I offered him a story, and asked if he wanted to talk about something, he just shook his head, “no.” I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine silently.
Eye contact can feel strange in conversation, and other social interactions. It can be intense and difficult to handle. There was none of that with Ollie. After a couple minutes, his eyes began to close slowly. They would open back up, focusing on my eyes and then his eyelids would relax and begin to come together. Eventually they completely closed, and I felt the grip of his hand in mine relax.
Ollie saw in my eyes what Buffy did. He felt as she did that if I was there, he could let go, and that the world was safe for him.
Parenthood is a lot of things, and it’s moments like these that parenthood is its most beautiful and meaningful. To give another the feeling of love and safety in moments before sleep is a gift from the heart, a reflection of a deep human connection. It is an expression of our purpose in this life to be for each other, and bring love into this world.
When we sleep with another person, we are putting our trust in that person. We are saying that that we believe that they will not harm us, and that they will protest us from outside factors, and our internal imaginations that may bring fear into our deams.
It wasn’t a special night. There wasn’t anything extraordinary that happened that day. Diana had some things she was finishing up for work, so I retired to bed without her. As I do periodically, I picked up Buffy, our dog, and cuddled with her in bed.
Like how the love for a dog is it’s own unique shade of blue, the feeling of a dog next to you as you cuddle, is similar to cuddling with a human that you love but different. There is a connection between a human and a dog that crosses species, that goes beyond our nature as animals vying for survival. It’s felt deeply, different, and most profoundly when sharing a bed.
Buffy will never ask to cuddle but when I put her on the bed, and pull her close she will stay, even though there are sometime some disgruntled grunts as we settle down. Sometimes we spoon, other times she lays in the crook of my arm with her head on my shoulder, and that night she lay facing me as we both were on our sides.
I looked into Buffy’s eyes. Slowly, I saw her eyes begin to close. I could see her third eye lid (dog’s have another eyelid btw), slowly begin to close moving sideways across her eye and then open back up. After a couple minutes, it relaxed letting her eyes completely close. It felt wonderful that my eyes looking into hers provided a feeling of safety for my puppy.
That a couple years ago.
Last week, Diana and I heard Ollie’s footsteps as we settled down on the couch in front of the television. She had put him to bed, and we both thought that he was ready to sleep for the night. I walked over and asked him if he needed something, and he asked, “can I have a little bit more time with you daddy?” Time. This was just a matter of time, all he wanted was time. Not an extra story, or a toy, or any materialistic thing. He just wanted time. I said sure, and headed up stairs.
I cuddled up in bed with him as he requested, and we lay there in the soft light of his night light laying on our sides facing each other. I held his hand. I offered him a story, and asked if he wanted to talk about something, he just shook his head, “no.” I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine silently.
Eye contact can feel strange in conversation, and other social interactions. It can be intense and difficult to handle. There was none of that with Ollie. After a couple minutes, his eyes began to close slowly. They would open back up, focusing on my eyes and then his eyelids would relax and begin to come together. Eventually they completely closed, and I felt the grip of his hand in mine relax.
Ollie saw in my eyes what Buffy did. He felt as she did that if I was there, he could let go, and that the world was safe for him.
Parenthood is a lot of things, and it’s moments like these that parenthood is its most beautiful and meaningful. To give another the feeling of love and safety in moments before sleep is a gift from the heart, a reflection of a deep human connection. It is an expression of our purpose in this life to be for each other, and bring love into this world.
Friday, August 3, 2018
Sumer Camp With Mr. Kingsley
For the past five years, I’ve been spending my summer’s working at a summer camp. I got this gig from a close friend who used to work at this camp. It was interesting starting this work the summer after Ollie was born. I didn’t really get a chance to end the school year with paternity leaving with a feeling of a lack of closure. The summer camp was a great way to keep help me work on my teaching and have time with my baby.
For this camp, I wasn’t a counselor, I taught a music exploration class. This was an interesting thing to do, that I had never done before. It wasn’t teaching a class because I wasn’t giving grades, but I was still charged to teach them something and give them a fulfilling musical experience.
My class that I taught has evolved into an experience that is part after school special, general music class, and my own crazy experimental music education ideas. I would teach the students silly camp songs, transform “She’ll Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain,” into an epic tale, improvise songs during our “nap time,” teach African drumming, do composition projects, and share with them a great selection of picture books with musical themes.
Each week, I have two different groups. I see each group for about 50 minutes Monday through Thursday. The groups are by grade level. The schedule rotates so some weeks I teach first graders and other times I’m with sixth graders. I don’t know these kids at all. They all come from different schools. This situation provides an interesting challenge as a teacher that I have embrace for the past five years.
In only four sessions, I don’t really have time to establish classroom rules or have a conversation about expectations. Instead I rely on my “force of will,” to move things a long and use “teacher-face,” and ability to create a vibe in the room to create the classroom environment. This strategy doesn’t work for very long and would not be a good idea in a regular classroom setting.
I’ve had the opportunity to experiment with different curricular material and try different lessons and projects. I’m able to let the students direct what they want to do during our time, and we’ve had some very cool moments over the years.
I would not want to teach this type of class year-round. I am more of a teacher than an entertainer. However, in the summers, this different format of a class, with different students is a refreshing challenge that I look forward to every summer.
Camp is done. Now it's time to start mentally transitioning into the school year. I am excited to get to work, but I am also grateful that I have a couple weeks to prepare myself. Next week I’m going to a teacher conference, then some time family, and then before school meetings. Time for Mr. Kingsley (what my campers call me), to take a respite, and time for Mr. Tang to get warmed up.
For this camp, I wasn’t a counselor, I taught a music exploration class. This was an interesting thing to do, that I had never done before. It wasn’t teaching a class because I wasn’t giving grades, but I was still charged to teach them something and give them a fulfilling musical experience.
My class that I taught has evolved into an experience that is part after school special, general music class, and my own crazy experimental music education ideas. I would teach the students silly camp songs, transform “She’ll Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain,” into an epic tale, improvise songs during our “nap time,” teach African drumming, do composition projects, and share with them a great selection of picture books with musical themes.
Each week, I have two different groups. I see each group for about 50 minutes Monday through Thursday. The groups are by grade level. The schedule rotates so some weeks I teach first graders and other times I’m with sixth graders. I don’t know these kids at all. They all come from different schools. This situation provides an interesting challenge as a teacher that I have embrace for the past five years.
In only four sessions, I don’t really have time to establish classroom rules or have a conversation about expectations. Instead I rely on my “force of will,” to move things a long and use “teacher-face,” and ability to create a vibe in the room to create the classroom environment. This strategy doesn’t work for very long and would not be a good idea in a regular classroom setting.
I’ve had the opportunity to experiment with different curricular material and try different lessons and projects. I’m able to let the students direct what they want to do during our time, and we’ve had some very cool moments over the years.
I would not want to teach this type of class year-round. I am more of a teacher than an entertainer. However, in the summers, this different format of a class, with different students is a refreshing challenge that I look forward to every summer.
Camp is done. Now it's time to start mentally transitioning into the school year. I am excited to get to work, but I am also grateful that I have a couple weeks to prepare myself. Next week I’m going to a teacher conference, then some time family, and then before school meetings. Time for Mr. Kingsley (what my campers call me), to take a respite, and time for Mr. Tang to get warmed up.
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