Parenthood: Week 342 – This Is Six

As I carried the basket of clean laundry up to our bedroom, I tried to be as quiet as possible. I had just gotten Ethan to sleep and Diana had finished reading to Ollie. The hallway was dark and I walked carefully walked trying not to bump the sides of the laundry basket against the walls.

I angled the laundry basket just right to fit through the door frame when I heard faint singing. I put the laundry down and approached Ollie’s door. I listened at his door and heard his soft singing. I couldn’t name the tune, but it was peaceful and gentle. Sometimes Ollie borderline screams when he sings along with his favorite songs. This was different. It was contemplative, gentle, and warm.

I slowly entered the room and Ollie continued to sing as I sat down on his bed. Ollie smiled at me and stopped his song.

“Hey Buddy, what are you doing?”

“I’m singing…”

“Is this helping you go to sleep?”

“Yes.”

I explained, “There’s different ways to go to sleep. Sometimes we read a book, other times we think about things that we are looking forward to, or people that we love. Sometimes we sing ourselves to sleep. It’s a really nice thing to sing ourselves to sleep, do you want to sing a song with me?”

Ollie nodded yes, and I crawled into bed with him. We sang together our special lullaby, which I sang to him when he was a baby. It’s to the tune of “Edelweiss,” from The Sound Of Music.

Ollie bear, Ollie bear,
You’re my cutey patootey.
You’re a cutey, and a patootey
And I love you soooo much.

You are my beautiful Ollie bear,
and I love you so much.

Ollie bear, Ollie bear,
You’re my special little guy.

Ollie giggled as I sang and joined me for some of the song. “If you want to keep singing when I leave, that’s okay, but don’t sing for too long, you need to get some rest for school tomorrow.”

We gave each other kisses and shared a hug. I told him that I loved him and I walked out his room quietly. I closed his door gently.

I stood there for a moment smiling to myself and after a couple seconds Ollie started singing to himself again, and I walked away into the dark hall with the sound of my special little guy’s voice making our house feel like a home.

Year 10: Week 8 - What I Love

What do you love to do and would perhaps do for free?


Waking my students up.

This past week, I played “If She Leaves Me,” by the Highwomen for my 5th graders. I asked my students to follow along with the lyrics and come up with the story of the song: a two sentence summary of what the song was about.


The first couple responses mentioned love, and one student was fixated on the reference to alcohol (they ARE 5th graders). In all three of my 5th grade classes eventually students started talking about gender. I could see that they were struggling with the fact that the singer, Brandi Carlile sings with a voice that the students identified as a woman and that the narrator was talking about a woman that she loved.

One student carefully asked if this song was about a woman who was in love with another woman, and a student in another class asked, “is this song about a Gay couple?” After each of these comments there was a silence in the room, and I could feel the anticipation as my students waited for my response.

Letting my excitement come through as a warm smile, I said “yes.”

I told them about how The Highwomen believed that everyone should have music and art that reflected their lives and experiences. I have songs that I can listen to that reflect my experience with my partner that I can use to reflect on my love and feel deeper about her. People in same-sex relationships should have the same thing. And I told them that this song is a wonderful story that we can all experience as it talks about themes that relate to all of our lives.

Some students were excited that their suspicions were affirmed, like they cracked some code. Others were clearly still processing this song, and for others the light bulbs inside of them were slowly brightening up into a look of thoughtful realization.

Saying Yes

I spend a lot of time discussing and meeting with other teachers, staff, administrators during my time at school. This sometimes means that my lesson planning is rushed or meals are skipped, but I do it because I love it.

There’s many ways to help other adults in a school, and there’s some ways to work with them to bring power and voice to others through collaboration. One of the most powerful ways to do this is to say, “yes.”

Sometimes saying yes is asking tough questions and finding nuggets of promise and realizations to highlight. Other times saying yes comes after other conversations over time and getting to a place where affirmation feels natural and authentic. Then there are times of spontaneity when saying “yes,” is sharing a joke, or a smile in the hallway,  which is more of an act of empathy than humor.

When I work with others, it makes me see other things and understand more about others and who I am. In a moment earlier this week, I realized a key to being comfortable with disagreement.

I have told my department that agreeing with each other isn’t a priority, but I never quite realized what it took to have this happen in a way that unified more than divided. Then it came it me as I was talking to a teacher: we are okay with disagreement if we understand that those we disagree with have given thought to their opinion, and that there is a common theme and value that is shared.

Parenthood: Week 341 – Feeling Big and Feeling Small

There are times when they seem so big.

Ollie had spent most of the day laying on the couch. He was so sick that when a television show had finished, he lay there in front of a still menu screen not even asking for Diana to put on another show for him. Later we found out that he had strep throat and croup, but at the time all we knew is that he wasn’t okay.

I rushed home from an evening meeting. Diana had already set up a doctor’s appointment for him. I carried him from the couch into the car, and again from the car to the office. His feverish body felt heavier than I imagined, and his legs hung long around my hips. My muscles strained as I carried him, but I was determined to not let him go.

 Some day he was going to be too big to carry, but not today.

He didn’t quite fit as I sat down and he cuddled against my chest. Ollie was not a baby, and while his body awkwardly tried to fit against mine, I was reminded as much as he is still was my special little guy, he wasn’t a baby anymore.

*****

In the darkness, lying next to Ethan, he seems to take over the entire bed. I feel his head cuddle into the nape of my neck, and I reach down trying to find his feet, attempting to prevent him for kicking Diana. His clumsy movements, as he rolls around under and around the covers makes it seem like he’s everywhere at once.

At times when Diana leaves the bed and I push him over to that side of the bed, he somehow manages to fill up more than half the bed. Without fear, knowing he is close to me, Ethan let’s go. He reaches out his arms and spreads his legs feeling free to take up space, knowing that if he reaches out far enough he will fell the touch of one that he loves



Then there are times when they seem so small.

Ollie’s covers, like the underside of a pillow feels cool to the touch when you initially climb under them. So, as I climbed into Ollie’s bed to read to him, I felt his body curl up against mine. His hands curled up under his chin and his entire body snuggled up underneath my arm. Ollie’s body held tight, almost shivering as I started reading and we entered the world of Oz.

As the covers warm up, I feel Ollie’s body relax, but his body remains next to mine as close as it could to mine, and it that moment I hold everything.

*****

“HUGS!!”

Looking down at Ethan with his arms stretched up at me, he screamed wanting me to pick him up. I’m trying to get dinner cooked and he is frustrated that I’m not holding him.  “Hugs please?” I respond. Ethan pauses, and relaxes his face. He puts his arms down, and then he reaches up and says in small voice with a little smile, “hugs please?”

Looking down at this little one, he is seems so small, and as I lift him into my arms, his body works in perfect unison in my arms. We fit together in that moment and I hold him, because sometimes dinner can wait.

Year 10: Week 7 – The Old and The New

This was the week when I started to feel like we were getting into the groove of things. Last weekend we had a three-day weekend. The previous weeks were affected by students being absent because of Jewish Holidays.  While this week wasn’t a full week, things felt more settled.

Now is the time when I’m transitioning from beginning of the year activities to working on units that are going to lead towards events and performances. There isn't stressful, but there is a feeling that I need to more carefully plan my lessons and manage my students time directly.  This is when lesson planning happens by working backwards from an event as opposed to starting from where we are right now.

As I’ve been planning, I take a look at what I did last year, and I work through the process of figuring out what I’m going to do again, what lessons I’m going to put aside, and what I’m going to add.

One of the things that enjoy about teaching is the opportunity to do lessons that I taught before. When I’m able to try something again, year after year, it allows me to focus more on my pedagogy than on the material. Certain “a-ha” moments happen every year. It never gets old hearing students struggle through a song and then after a couple months of work, the students have mastered these songs.

I don’t do everything the same way, because, well, I simply can’t leave well enough alone. It’s a little bit more complex than that. Sometimes I make changes because my curriculum feels stale, or less relevant. I try not to take songs out of my curriculum based on my negative feelings about a song. Sometimes though my negative feelings are because a song lacks depth and relevance. There are songs I have taught every year for a decade and they still feel fresh and are relevant. Great art can sustain repeated teaching, and keep a teacher interested in the curriculum.

Other times I make changes because of opportunities. My 3rd graders now have iPads that they can use in music class. Even though it took a lot of work and one whole music class was pretty much used up with technology issues, I was able to make iPad use work later in the week and I was happy with how things went.

This year the things I’ve decided not to do have been for a couple reasons. I’ve simply run out of time with some classes because they needed more work at the beginning of the year to establish classrooms norms.  Also I’ve dropped some songs that I tried new last year that ended up not working out as well as I thought they would.

Then there’s the new stuff. I taught my students a dance to “September,” because I saw a clip online of another teacher doing it and it looked like fun. The most important addition to my curriculum this fall is a song. It’s one of those special songs that I personally love, works within the music curriculum, and is a wonderful example of social justice. My students have so taken to this song in a way that makes me happy, and almost in disbelief. It’s new part of my curriculum that has taken a lot of work, and I’m taking a chance with this one.  I’m more excited than scared, and I’m looking forward to sharing my love of this song with my students and why it’s so important to music, and their future.

More details later…

Parenthood: Week 340 – First Grade

First grade has this feeling that it’s the grade where “real school” starts. Yes, I know that the work in school during kindergarten, and junior kindergarten, are essential and critical, but that’s not howit always feels.

For many students, first grade is when they have desk for the first time. This means that the curriculum is more structured and less play based. For my little guy, it means regularly having homework, that really is work.

There isn’t some miraculous developmental leap that occurs the summer before first grade, it’s just the place that we have placed a shift in the school experience for children. In some ways it’s important that we reflect that at home, and in other ways it’s important to push against this.

The effectiveness of the work at school is dependent on the support at home for the work that happens in a school. The highest ranked schools are completely ineffective if the parents aren’t on board, and with parent support and commitment, schools that seem to be of a lower quality can successful serve the educational needs of students. This is why I fully support the work at my son’s school even though I don’t agree with everything about my son’s school.

I’ve been a teacher for fourteen years, and I have Master degree in education. I know what I’m talking about. While this means that I have strong opinions on how I feel that education should be in our country, I’m also smart enough to know that there are many different factors that affect education in our country. So my “agreement,” isn’t essential to supporting my son’s teachers.

Look, I think Ollie gets too much homework. I’m of the philosophy that children overall should get less homework and first graders shouldn’t get any. However, I’m still going to support Ollie in getting his homework done. Ollie needs to work within the structures that are given, and he needs to step up at school from the work he did last year. It’s difficult at times, but this is the push that the school administration and teachers feel is best, so let’s do it.

At other times at home, there’s no need for a push or a “step-up” to another grade. Ollie can play with the same toys, watch the same shows, and read the same books he enjoyed at home last year. He still gets to be as goofy around the house, and he gets to cuddle as much as he wants.  Home is a place of comfort, where you don’t have to have the answers, and instead of being a “grown-up,” you get to be yourself.

Ollie is sometimes really tired when he gets home from school. There’s a lot to manage socially and academically. I appreciate all that they do at school to push him in ways that make him grow. I want to support that at home, at the same time, I feel like he needs a break to not worry so much on how to be and to simply “be.”

Year 10: Week 6 - Queer Eye For The Teacher Guy

When I grow up, I want to be like Jonathan Van Ness. The grooming expert on the new version of Queer Eye is one of my favorite cultural personalities.



I love how Van Ness is proud of different parts of his identity, and I admire the fearlessness that he is willing to share different parts of himself. I appreciate the care in which he uses his privilege and his platform to elevate others and speak about important issues, and I am inspired by how he helps people with care, and love.

One of the things I love about Van Ness is how he expresses joy and enthusiasm. Without shame, and without hesitation, he will scream and jump up and down if something excites him, like when he met Sophie Turner.


This moment is wonderful.  At first glass it seems over the top, but it really feels genuine as the video continues.  Even if it makes some people think he’s geeky, so what? Who doesn’t want to feel this way about the world.

I want to be more like Van Ness when I teach. I don’t want to be phoney, but I want my students to see in a bigger way what I love about music and sharing my time with them. I have enthusiasm inside of me that I sometimes don’t let out. Sometimes it’s a reflection of my nature. I am introverted, and socially more reserved. Other times it’s because my instincts tell me that if I am more stoic, my students will behave better.

Here’s the thing, students may behave better with a teacher a being more serious, but this is only through fear, and a focus on self-control for the sake of compliance.  Students can find a way better way to behave better by being excited to learn by a teacher's genuinely joy.

A student who is witnessing a teacher reading a book or talking about a piece of music an open expression of joy is going to listen closer, and more intently.  The inspiration from this joy will inspire them to work harder with the material.   With a meaningful purpose, student disruptions are less.  Students worked better when they have feel the meaning of the work through a teacher's passion. 

This week it was dancing along with my 3rd graders to a routine I taught them that went along with "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire.  There was my reading of Hip Hop Dog with unencumbered expression and enjoy.  The week also featured me dancing to songs from Moana in front of the student body as students were getting seated before an assembly.

It’s not always easy to do these things, but just like jumping into a swimming pool once I get, it’s awesome and so much fun.  Like swimming it these moments leaves me exhausted, but there's never regrets. 

Parenthood: Week 339 – Sleep Training

Sleeping on the floor next to Ethan’s crib is an improvement…

Ollie really liked his crib as a baby and a toddler. Yes, he had his moments when he needed to be rocked for what felt like hours before he would settle down in his crib, however in general he enjoyed his crib. He would wake up smiling in his crib, and sometimes choose to roll around and play in it. When we eventually moved him into a twin sized bed, we had to teach him that he could get out of his bed to find us and go to the bathroom. He liked his crib so much that he never thought to try to climb out of it. Ollie assumed that his big boy bed was the same and that he needed help to get out of it.

Ethan is different. He didn’t take to being swaddled as well as Ollie did. In addition to being a different person with a different personality, I was a different father. Five years later older, and having him in the winter with less of a paternity leave (my paternity leave with Ollie started in the Spring and carried through summer break) changed my approach. I simply didn’t have it in me to walk around with him in my arms, or rock him to sleep. So instead I would cuddle him in bed with me as he fell asleep.

This became the norm, and for a good portion of the his life he has co-slept with me and Diana. I am not going to get in a co-sleeping debate here. I don’t think that Ethan has any advantage over Ollie because he co-slept with us, and I don’t think Ethan is behind in any ways because he spent so much time cuddling with us in the middle of the night.

Co-sleeping worked out fine for a while, but then Ethan got bigger and more active.  And after Diana got pregnant, we realized that we really had to get him out of our bed. It got to the point that the only time that any of us got any sleep was if I left with Ethan and slept with him in the guest room, or if I left to the guest room and Ethan slept with Diana. Our queen-sized bed simply isn’t big enough for all three of us, let alone a fourth little one growing inside of Diana.

One of my summer goals was to sleep train Ethan. Yeah, that didn’t happen. However just like potty training with Ollie, once I eventually got around to it about a month ago, I regretted not doing it earlier.

I went with the “put the baby in the crib, let him cry for a couple minutes, pick him up to calm him down, and then put him back down, over and over, stay in the room until he falls asleep and get out of there when he's asleep” strategy. The first night this took two hours. Ethan cried and cried. I kept picking him up to calm him and he would scream as soon as I put him back into the crib. At some point late into the night, Ethan was standing and leaning on top of the crib-rail and fell asleep standing up, eventually slumping down onto his mattress.  It was so funny. 

The second night it took forty-five minutes. Within one a week we got to ten minutes of rocking, followed by ten minutes of me sitting on the floor next to the crib. After two more weeks, all Ethan needed to calm down was for me to be sitting or lying or sitting next to his crib.

Like all things in parenting and child development, sleep training doesn’t happen in a straight line. In the past two weeks, I’ve literally slept on the floor next to his crib for hours in the middle of the night. Sometimes it works and I army-crawl back into our bedroom, and other night, it doesn’t. This past week, two times, he slept with me on the floor next to him but he eventually started screaming so I gave up and he needed up in our bed.

I'm not complaining, other parents have it much worse.  It's part of the work of parenting.  It's frustrating a lot of the time, but after seeing how well Ollie sleeps, I know it's worth it. 

And yes, there were many times I simply considered buying a bigger bed laying on the floor at 2 in the morning.  It's not so bad sleeping with a toddler, but at a certain point it just gets weird.  So let's just take care of this before it gets to that point. 

Year 10: Week 5 - Permission

Children spend time holding back who they are, and who they want to be. In the process of exploring the different facets of one’s identity, many of us learn the harsh lesson that this process can in dangerous and can open ourselves up to ridicule from our peers, and disapproval from adults in our lives.
Children think about all of kinds of things, and learn explicitly or through the transfer of social norms that certain things shouldn’t be said, or discussed. These things include  topics around race, gender, feelings, and fears that are some of the most important topics to discuss. However, our students learn that like Voldemort, these thoughts are known and shared by all but not to be spoken out loud.

A classroom full of students who holds back, and don’t speak their mind in a way seems like the preferable situation. This would help with classroom management, and it would make it easier to give instruction. If teaching students to be compliment is the goal of education then let’s keep these children inside of themselves. However, if our goal in education is to help students be active and positive members of a democratic society that fights oppression and refuses to let any person like this current “president,” any power, then we need to give them permission.

We need to give students permission to work slowly when their brains need time to process, and when they are fascinated and want to dig deeper. They need permission to take a different route, to work hard and to get the wrong answer. Students cannot learn unless they are give the space to learn differently.

We need to give students permission to exercise their power. Young people deserve to have their power be acknowledged by adults, and they need our help to learn how to use their to make their own world more equitable, and just. Acknowledging children’s power does not lead to a powerless teacher, it leads to a true sense of responsibility and community.

We need to give students permission to talk about the issues of race and gender that they see in the world around them. Only by teaching children to talk about diversity, can they fully see and understand the oppression and injustice in the world. Too many students feel that the act of acknowledging race is racist, when in reality refusing to articulate race as an observation or an issue is what is truly racist.

We need to give students permission to feel and emote. They need space to reflect on their emotions, and process the powerful and complex feelings that make up the human experience. Only by giving students permission to feel deeply and express feelings in ways that they feel comfortable, can students grow academically, and more importantly, grow as human beings.

We need to give students permission to be fully human, to be weird, to be unique, to be kind, to be angry, to be confusing, to be loved, and to fully love. They need to know that it’s okay to be human and that they aren’t problems to be solved, or students to teach, they are first and foremost people. They deserve to be respected, and valued.

Our students can change the world.  They just need permission.