Parenthood: Week 481 - Something Wild and Unruly

There are moments of wonderful calm with my three sons, like when they are all eating together they really love, or when they are all doing written work. 

Ollie has “chores” every day, and one of them is doing some writing and math work. Ethan has always loved doing coloring books and workbooks. And Lucas seeing his brother sitting there at the table, wants to join. So he’ll sit there and color while his brothers do their work. It's really nice to see them all at work.

There are other calm times like Ethan and Lucas will be playing Duplos together while Ollie reads a book. Or Ollie is playing cars with Ethan while Lucas plays with a different toy. I would say more often when my sons are engaged in activities in the house.  

Then there are moments when things get…um…wild and unruly.  

A couple of days ago, Ethan was chasing Lucas around the dinner table, in circles, over and over. There was a lot of giggling going on with this until one of them tripped and fell. My three sons do this thing where they lay on top of each other and scream and laugh. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when screaming is an expression of pain and when it’s an expression of joy. I’m not sure what the point of this game/activity is, but they seem to think it’s really funny. Other times they yell things at each that sound like gibberish, but they find it really hilarious.  

I want my children to have space to be loud, run around, lay on each other, and giggle. I want my children to have room to be loud, run around, lay on each other, and giggle. But I find these activities mystifying sometimes.  

When I found out Ollie was a boy, I worried he would wrestle, be silly and be loud. I have embraced this in my own way. I wrestle with Ollie, and I am silly with him. The loud, not so much. It's interesting, Ethan is really into hugging but not wrestling, but he is really into being loud.

I don’t really get it when I see my sons rolling around on top of each other, but I don’t really need to get it. They are having fun, laughing, and enjoying each other. I try not to overthink it and remind myself that enjoying family happens in quiet and loud moments.  

One song that makes me think about Ethan is “Cowboy Take Me Away,” by The Chick. The song opens with these lyrics:  

I said I wanna touch the earth 

I wanna break it in my hands 

I wanna grow something wild and unruly   

 

The desire to have children is a want to connect with something deeper, more primal. It’s the earth in this song, but for me, it’s our need to create. We live in a landscaped world with manicured lawns, a great expression of creativity. However, there is something different, something real, and powerful about seeing plants grow without boundaries.  

Our children are constrained from the moment they are born. Many of these things are for their are expressions of love like swaddling. However, society quickly adds constraints that are not helpful, like the construct of gender. So having space to be wild and unruly is especially important, and finding a way in this scheduled modern world to have the freedom to be wild and unruly is worth preserving, working for, and cherishing.

How I Came To Believe In Women's Right To Choose

I don’t remember conversing with my parents about abortion growing up. However, I remember many things that my parents taught me about women and other moments in my life that led to my belief that all women are entitled to the right to free, legal, accessible, and safe abortions. 

My father has never been a controlling husband. He never monopolized the dinner table conversations or the television. I don’t remember any moments when he lectured my mom. However, I do remember them talking over decisions all of the time, and at moments when my dad would get understandably upset, my mom worked through these moments with my father as an equal partner.  

The older I got, the more I noticed that not all couples were like this. In high school couples, with my extended family and my friend’s parents, I saw guys condensing to and being domineering to their female “partners.” Even as a high schooler, I could tell that the women in these situations were uncomfortable, and it wasn’t right.  

As I became more aware of abortion, it never occurred to me that a woman wouldn’t get to make a choice. My dad didn’t make choices for my mom, and I saw how my mom made choices in her life. It just didn’t compute why women couldn’t decide what was best for their bodies and their lives.  

I grew up without the influence of any organized religion. I had no messaging coming to me about how there were “commandments” or a moral code of how I was supposed and what was right and wrong. Instead, I had parents who taught me to see other people as human beings and to be kind to myself and others.

I remember my dad being telling me once that he was frustrated that a friend told him that he was somehow less than others because he didn’t attend church. I thought at that moment: here is a person who immigrated to another country, learned another culture and another language and was successful in many ways, financially and beyond.  

My dad lived his life well and is living proof that you can be successful in America without exploiting other people and while being kind to others. I realized that any assertion that my dad is less moral because he didn’t go to church was garbage. So I decided at the moment that I am never taking any religious doctrine at face value as being moral. If Christians can be wrong about slavery, they can be wrong about abortion. So when a high school classmate told me that abortion was wrong because it went against Christian teachings, it meant nothing to me. I replied, “well, I’m not Christian, and I don’t need Christianity to tell me what’s right or wrong.”  

One of the most influential books in my life is “Dead Man Walking.” I read it junior year in high school. The work of Sister Helen Prejean showed me the best of Christianity and taught me how to see humanity in what people view as the “worst among us.” The book is about her time working with people on the death row and her advocacy against the death penalty. His experiences and arguments have stuck with me for over twenty years, and I have never wavered in my belief that the death penalty should be abolished.  

There was a moment in class when we discussed this book, and it hit me. “How could Christian-identified people be pro-life and also pro-death penalty? That is a moral inconsistency. This must not be about saving fetuses.” I didn’t understand years later that the pro-life movement was about political power and dehumanizing and controlling women, but I knew at that moment that this wasn’t about saving lives. Don’t forget. Legal abortions used to have bi-partisan support. The first governor to sign a bill protecting women’s right to abortions was Republican Ronald Reagon.  

At this moment on this day, when Roe Vs. Wade has been overturned, I’m reflecting on my journey because only by understanding our past can we move forward with purpose and clarity. Also, I want to ensure that my children understand and respect the humanity of women and their right to abortion. I’m not going to talk to my 4-year-old about abortions, but I can do as my father did and demonstrate daily how I value women.  

For a meaningful reflection on this day and the path forward, I'll leave you with Senator Warren, who as always is empathetic, wise, and a has plan...

Parenthood: Week 480 - Buffy Walking Lucas

Buffy still gets excited to go outside but is not always up for a long walk. 

Our neighborhood is a street is a circle with houses on both sides. The street is about ⅓ mile. When Buffy was younger, she happily made it around the circle, sometimes twice. Nowadays, she wants to go outside but will go three or four houses down. That’s fine. She’s older an sometimes just wants to sniff about. Now that it’s warmer, Buffy will sometimes just stand in the sunshine for a couple of minutes, content to feel the warmth.  

At some point, I was annoyed, but I’ve fully accepted that these walks are for Buffy, and if she wants them to be shorter or simply wants to go at a slower pace, then it’s all good. These walks are for her, and I’m glad to do them the way she wants them. 

Lucas is always eager to get out of the house. When he realizes that we are getting ready to go somewhere, he is often the first of my three sons to have his shoes on. Even though he is least coordinated as a 2-year-old and sometimes still needs help to get his shoes on, he almost always leads the pack ahead of my 4-year-old and 9-year-old in getting ready to leave the house.  

Once the front door is open, Lucas will push through the screen door and out into our neighborhood. We need to be careful with this because he will sometimes get out of the house before we are ready, and we’ve had to chase him down our driveway or across our lawn when he has snuck out of our house. 

A couple of days ago, Diana was taking Ollie and Ethan out. Lucas saw this as a cue to get ready to go, and he got his shoes on. The only issue was that Lucas was staying home with me. As I held him back, he started to cry, seeing his brothers getting ready to go. Finally, I assured him we were going too, and I got Buffy’s lead on so I could take Buffy along with Lucas.  

As soon as I opened the door, Lucas happily ran out to the sidewalk. He stopped and looked back at me, Buffy. “Which way do you want to go?” I asked him, and he pointed to the right. “Sure, buddy, let’s go.” 

Lucas doesn’t run yet. It’s more like a jog/trot. His arms are half-engaged, and his forearms are loose, so they swing at his sides. It's really cute

As I tried to keep up with Lucas walking quickly, I noticed that my leash was loose at my side. I looked over at Buffy. Her eyes were fixed on Lucas in front of us, and she was trotting along next to me, determined to keep up with Lucas.  

That’s how it went. Lucas giggled in front of us, with Buffy and me chasing behind. He would stop every so often, distracted by a leaf, tree, or blade of grass, and he would sit and example what he found. Buffy and I would stop and wait for him. Once done, he'd push himself up and start down the street again, with his arms hanging at his sides.  

Lucas recognized our house; he went up to our driveway right into the front door. Buffy went ahead of me into the house right behind Lucas. As soon as I took off her leash, she walked over to one of the corners of the room and settled down, watching Lucas as he started to look through a book.  

Buffy sensed this walk was Lucas, the same way I know walks are for Buffy. She did what she could to take care of Lucas on that walk and saw her purpose. She’s a great dog, and it felt wonderful to have her beside me taking care of Lucas.

Year 12: Summer Break Week 1 - Long As I Can See The Light

My official last day of work was yesterday, but I still did some work today and will probably do some work next week. 

So I feel like I'm getting closer, but there are still a lot of loose ends that I need to tie and things I plan to work on later this summer. Fortunately, my school provides funding to do summer work, but it feels like a drag looking ahead to things hanging over from the school year that I need to do. 

The end of the school year has always been difficult for me to process. I have this feeling that other teachers are checking out early and celebrating while I'm buried in work. Some of it is that I have a lot to do at the end of the year that other teachers don't because I'm a department chair. The other part of this is that I sometimes have a hard time letting go and celebrating with others.  

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy the school year is over, but with the end comes reflections of what went well and things I wish could have gone better. And it's hard to come to closure and let go with students and situations that you put so much of yourself into. One reason the end was especially difficult this year was that I was sick on the day we had our full faculty end-of-year meetings. So, the last meeting of the year I had a couple of days before ended with me feeling unappreciated and disrespected. Unfortunately, that's what I had to take with me as I pushed myself through work into the summer.  

It didn't help that the last two performances of the year felt compromised and lacking because COVID-19 mitigations had affected my teaching and the students' learning. I tried so hard, but I couldn't make that feeling of magic happen that I so often have ended the year within performances with my students.  

I love my work and the challenge that it brings. However, the work feels lonely right now. I accepted years ago that being me and embracing my authentic self meant that I would be apart from others and alone. In my role in my school, there's a similar feeling. There are no other Asian male teacher music teachers who are department chairs. More often than not, my accomplishments, my growth opportunities, and the fact that I'm in the room where it happens fills me with pride that overshadows the feeling of being apart. But not right now.  

Even if the year ended perfectly with amazing performances and uplifting feelings, I think I would still feel isolated because all that I'm feeling is not just about my school. One of the most horrific school shootings in American history occurred as the school year ended. It feels very lonely and disheartening when so many people refuse to support necessary changes that would make my job safe and better take of children. 

Time away from school will be good for me. So much happened last school year that I haven't had time to process. A change will do me goo. So as I finish what I need to do for school next week, I'll be fine, as long as I can see the light.

Parenthood: Week 479 - Completing The Cube

It makes total sense to me, of course. Ollie, my nine-year-old son, finished the Rubik's cube in one day, practically in one sitting. 

I get it. I'm the same way. When I was a child, I would get very into things. I remember being determined to learn a Bach invention on piano, so I learned it over one weekend. I remember getting the CD single to "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" and listening to it repeatedly every night for a month. I would get ready for bed, turn off the lights, put CD in, and set it for "repeat one." Then I would put on my headphones and let it play. 

I would listen to this song ten, fifteen times in a row, amazed at how every single time I heard this song would be a different experience as I focused on different instruments and aspects of the song every time it repeated. I do still do this. It's not upcoming for me to listen to the same song on repeat during my half-hour commute to work.

This interest and way of diving deep have served me well. Sitting in a library doing research for five or six hours while working on my Master's degree didn't feel like a chore. In my job, I can focus intensely and stick with difficult problems over long periods.

Diana, my wife, is similar. When she's into a book, she'll read the whole book over a couple of days. She has no problem getting deep into an interest like I do and maintaining focus on it over hours, days, or months.

We've seen this in Ollie over the years. The first time I noticed it was when he would work on a Lego set. He often would not take a break until he finished a set, even if it took multiple hours. We saw it other times with drawings he was working on or other projects he set his mind to.

I got Ollie a Rubik's Cube about a year ago. He heard about it on a podcast, and I gave him a gift. He messed around with it here and there but never spent much time on it. I noticed yesterday that he was messing around with it again, so I asked him if he wanted to watch a video to figure out how to solve it. I found this video and showed it to him:

I figured that he would these videos over a week and eventually figure out how to solve the Rubik's Cube. So as the morning went on, Ollie sat at the dining room table, watched the videos, and worked on the cube. Periodically I would sit next to him to see what he was doing, but I quickly realized I had no idea what the videos were talking about and what Ollie was doing with the cube.

At no point did Ollie seem frustrated. Instead, he worked quietly and methodically. He ate a light lunch as he worked on the cube and kept right on. For a couple of moments, I thought he was close, so I sat next to him, but then I realized he had some work to do, so I gave him space to work. Then I heard Ollie say softly with surprised and relief "I did it!"

I looked over, and he was holding a solved Rubik's cube. From start to finish, it had taken him five hours.

I loved the look on his face. He was so proud of himself, and I was so proud of him. More than being proud that he had solved the Rubik's cube, I was proud that he worked for so long with such focus, and I was proud that he figured out how to do something that I couldn't. I love that.

That was yesterday. Today he solved a Rubik's cube in five minutes. 

That's my boy!

Year 12: Week 38 - 2021-2022

Was this the most challenging school year I’ve been through as a teacher? It’s in the running, that’s for sure. 

2019-2020 was when the pandemic started in early spring. It was a time of great fear, unpredictability and challenges. We thought it would just be a couple of weeks like break, but it turned into months. Online teaching became a norm. We had to learn by doing. 

2020-2021 was when the un-thinkable led to the un-imaginable over and over. The start of the pandemic we never dreamed of led to teaching in-person. This was something I couldn't conceive of until that rainy first day of school in September of 2020, when we went in person. That year was without singing, wind instruments, and no music classroom.  

2021-2022 was a year when things felt like they had the potential to become “normal,” but they never did. Singing came back, but we had to spread out. Masks came off, but then they had to be put on again. We were trying to do all that we had done before the pandemic, but so much of it didn’t work as it did before. The students were different, we were different, and so was the world.  

Like learning how to better prioritize my family in 2019-2020 and working with my incredible student teacher in 2020-2021, there were things about 2021-2022, which were important, meaningful, and fulfilling.  

I made new connections and developed relationships with administrators, faculty, and staff. There were many moments of laughter, cathartic conversations full of love and kindness, and the calm knowing that there were people in the school thinking of me and supporting me.  

I helped people in this school through challenging moments. I was that person that people cried on figuratively and literally. I empowered people to take what they deserved, helped others understand what they deserved, and found ways to elevate people and amplify voices.  

I solved problems in moments when it seemed like no one else could. I made the impossible happen, and got people to work together. I absorbed people’s stress and anxiety so that we could move foward for our students. I got people to calm down when they were close to making mistakes and I helped people refocus on their goals. Over and over I made things work.  

Throughout all of the bad times, all of the stress, I never lost my cool, and I never acted unkindly to anyone at this school.  

And I embraced my love getting on stage and joyfully leading hundred of students in song and dance.  

That was 2021-2022. 

Parenthood: Week 478 - The 2021-2022 School Year (for my children)

And the school year is done!!!...for my children...I still have another week. 

The third year of school during the COVID-19 pandemic was chaotic, stressful, and full of challenges, some predicted and some unforeseen.  

As a teacher, it felt like there were times when this school year came close to breaking me. The unpredictability, moves that felt like steps backward and a non-stop barrage of issues overshadowed the feeling of progress and good work that I did far too often.  

As a parent, this school was also a challenge. Some mitigations changed, while some seemed never to go away. It seemed like we were taking steps forward and backward at the same time with COVID-19. While I was concerned about how COVID-19 affected my students, it was much more personal when I thought about how COVID-19 was affecting my children. We had other challenges, most I will leave unsaid, but there was far more good than bad this school year as a parent. The bad I absorbed and worked through with my wife. That is the work of a parent. One of the things that I'm most grateful about my children's school is that this was not my children's work. 

It's hard to comprehend what the experience of the school year is like as a child. Even after getting close to two decades of teaching and moving through the school year with students, I don't feel and understand what my students are going through. I see more than others, but what I see is on the outside and from an adult's perspective. As a parent even though you are not in school with your children, you know what is going on and things went really well for my children. 

Lucas is two-years-old. All I know from his experience this school year is what his teachers tell me. They paint a wonderful picture of his work, his curiosity, and the joy he has in being at school. The handful of times I did drop him off, he was eager and happy to get to school most of the time. Lucas like many children his age had to work through a lot of viruses, but he made great use of the time he had in his class and learned a lot.

Ethan is four-years-old. He said he didn't want to go to school at times, but he ended the school year talking about how much he wanted to go to school to work on specific projects. Ethan is an artist and brought home so much wonderful art. His verbal communication grew, his letter sense developed well, and his counting also showed growth. What's remarkable is how much he wants to practice and apply what he learned in school. This indicates that this learning was happening at school from a place of wonder.  

Ollie is nine-years-old, and he was able to tell us how this was one of his favorite years in school. There was great academic growth in all areas. I am most excited and proud of how he applies what he learns to what he loves, like Ethan. For example, Ollie is using math to calculate how many objects he needs to collect for a video game, and he is reading, really reading to help him learn about what he is interested in.  

One of the clear things is that my children's teachers really like them for who they are and know who they are as learners and human beings. This is one of the strongest signs that my children had a great school year. How a teacher knows and likes a student is the most important factor that leads to a student's positive experience at school.  

I am beyond grateful for my children's teachers. They are wonderful, incredibly skilled, and giving. It makes my heart feel full knowing that they saw my children and took care of them. 

Onto summer break…

Year 12: Week 37 - Why I Love This School

A couple of days ago, a colleague asked me what I loved about this school. I talked about having autonomy, resources, and having a seat at the table. And as I’ve been thinking about this question, I’ve realized that there is something more profound that I left out of my answer. Yes, I like everything I mentioned in my response, but that’s not at the core of why I love my school. So I’m going to take another attempt to answer this question.   

I don’t remember what time of year it was, but I remember wearing shorts and a t-shirt and the warmth of the sun on my face. I was six or seven years old, and I was in a park with some classmates. I noticed that someone’s parent had come by and brought cupcakes. Children gathered around and started getting cupcakes.  

I wanted one. So I walked up to the crowd of the children, but I stayed on the periphery of the group. I didn’t have the strength to push past my shyness. I’m not sure what I was afraid of. I just knew that this unnamed anxiety was building inside of me. I knew that I would likely have to talk to ask for a cupcake, and growing up with a significant speech impediment had taught me that there was a good chance asking for a cupcake would lead me to another embarrassing situation where someone didn’t understand what I said.  

So I stood there unmoving. Mnutes passed, and the parent did not see me; eventually, they walked away with the cupcakes, and I didn’t get one. 

As much as I have experienced and as much as I have grown, I will always be that little boy, too shy and too afraid to ask for a cupcake.  

This is a school that has taken my hand when I was too afraid to step forward and speak up and shown me that I could be more than I saw in myself.  

I had never taught 3rd grade before I came here, and a kind veteran teacher showed me how to teach this grade and, more importantly, what there was to love about these students. She stays after bringing her students to class to help me with classroom management and comes by early when picking them up to check on things.  

My music department chair saw me repeatedly fail during my first year but never wavered in her support for me. She came in to help during her prep time and stood up for me in meetings when I didn’t have the confidence to speak up for myself. She saw my potential as a department chair, a leadership position I never expected that I could ever do, and with kindness and patience, guided me into this position.  

Administrators and other faculty continuously took chances on me, put me in situations, and gave me tasks that I had never done before, believing beyond my experiences that I could be successful. Among the things I did for the first time at this school include:  

• Start a band program. 
• Lead campfire sing-along 
• Give a speech at a dedication for a piano that was given to remember a child who died. 
• Organize an all-school assembly 
• Lead an all-school sing-along 
• Organize guest musicians
• Sit on a hiring committee 
• Lead a faculty meeting 
• Work with a donor to create a visiting artist program. 
• Maintain a budget 
• Teach the recorder 
• Sit on various committees
• Be a department chair
• Evaluate teachers 
• Teach middle school students 
• Redesign an office space  
• Hire teachers 
• Help create schedules  
• Manage a department of teachers 

I did all of these things because believed that I could. Because of this, I took chances on myself and for my school. While there have been bumps in the road, I've had far more success than familiar. 

Now that I'm a more established teacher, I spend a lot of my energy elevating others, giving them a chance to be more than they see in themselves. I feel so proud to have helped students, staff, and faculty grow as others did for me. It is a place where people believe in me, and where I can empower others by believing in them.

I want to hold that little boy's hand, see the anxiety in his eyes, and tell him it's okay. I want to show him that he doesn't have to brave alone and that it's okay if the words don't come out clearly the first time. And that someone is there with kindness and patience to show them they have the power to get a cupcake. I'll never be able to do these things for my younger self, but I can do this for people at my school. 

And that's why I love my school.