The teachers I have looked up to and find the most inspiration from have all shared a level of humility when talking about their craft. There’s generally an expression of “I still don’t know what I’m doing,” and “the longer I teach, the more I realize I how much I have to learn about being a teacher,” that all of these educators share.
There are moments when I feel this more than other times. And there are times, when this feeling is comforting and others when its more discombobulating. I enjoy and revel in students asking questions that I’m not sure how to answer. However, there are other times when the excitement of trying to figure a way to help a student learn turns into frustration.
I find myself asking more people these past couple weeks for their advice and perspective on things that I’m doing in the classroom. It’s not that I feel that I lack confidence, but it’s just that…well…ok, this is getting a little raw, but let’s go there.
One of my teacher friends at school, who is very perceptive, very real, noted in a supportive way that I come to her seeking approval and praise for things that I do, and it’s true. In many ways I don’t feel like I’ve evolved past that little boy getting on stage during piano recitals trying to do something to get approval, to get applause. I had issues connecting with people my age as peers and friends, so I tried through individual time practicing to do something that could make me connect. I chased this as a musical composition major in college, and I’m still doing this as a teacher.
It's weird. It’s not that I feel unsupportive, or that I lack confidence, but sometimes I’m just not sure what I’m doing. I move through the day rounding up being pretty sure, to be being 100% confident, and well, what seems like a façade, feels more like the reality of how we have to work as teachers. We do what we can to get as close to possible to presenting as 100% confidence, but you never get there all the way. In this way, the process of being a teacher mirrors the process of being a human, a human being, existing not in a space of what is sure, but rather taking chances, growing through the insecurity, trying to find our way through the darkness.
That’s why we need so badly as teachers a space that we can be “raggedy,” a place that we can be real and genuine about our insecurity and be ourselves. We couldn’t make it any other way. I don’t know if I’m more insecure than other people. Maybe being raised the child of immigrants, never feeling like I fit in growing up has led me to an adult self that never feels settled, never feels fully secure. Maybe everyone feels this way and most are too afraid to admit these feelings of insecurity that reveal vulnerability more than strength.
Or maybe it’s like “love.” That it’s more about how much support I take being equal to how much I make.
If that’s the case, I’ve got a lot that I need to make.
Friday, November 30, 2018
Monday, November 26, 2018
Parenthood: Week 294 - Body Back
“You can do anything for a minute.”
During the first year of Ollie’s life I was working through some physical therapy. I had developed sesamoiditis (basically my foot hurt). It had developed during my 5th grade camping trip, and after seeing various doctors, I found a specialist that offered me more than pain killers, a prescription for physical therapy.
Physical therapy was two or three times a week for an hour in the evening. In our first year of Ollie’s life we were still very much figuring out how to do this parenting thing, so having to take care of Ollie without the other parents was challenging.
Diana was always 100% support of me taking this time for myself, and my self care. Even at the times when Ollie was crying, the house was a mess, and we were both exhausted, Diana shooed me out the door to make my physical therapy appointment.
So when Diana asked me what I thought about her doing an exercise class after Ethan was born, I was in full support. Even though I knew it was a challenge, I knew it was important that I have some times with my children by myself. It’s great to be a parenting partner with Diana, but you learn a lot about yourself and your kids when you are on your own (and it makes you more grateful for your partners work and support).
The organization was Fit4Mom. First Diana did Stroller Strides a class which included Ethan…in a stroller as the name suggests, and then Diana started doing Body Back. These experiences were as much a workout classes as they were an affinity group. I enjoyed hearing Diana tell me about new friends she was making and new exercises she was learning. Honestly though, I didn’t have a clear idea what she was doing in these classes, and I didn’t mind not knowing. She was coming back from these classes happy and she kept going.
Last weekend they had a special “invite a friend” class, and I figured why not? First off, I think it’s important that as a man, that I purposely put myself in spaces when I’m in the gender minority. Women are in the minority all of the time, and for my own growth, and to show support of Diana, I feel like it was important for me to show up. Also, a free work out class? All good.
We dropped off the kids with Diana’s dad Saturday morning and we headed to the Body Back class. There was a teacher and eight other women there to work out. The workout consisted of cycles: one minute cadio, one minute strength, and one minute. Each cycle repeated twice, and we got through a total of five cycles in that hour, along with a warm-up and cool down activity.
This was a tough class. I’m still feeling it three days later. There were some people there who were better than me, and some who weren’t, but they were all there, they all had showed up, and for that they had my respect. The teacher created a great positive vibe in the room giving encouragement without being distracting. She was positive without be disingenuous, and was happy to share this time with all of us.
The teacher drew on struggles of parenting and could authentically related to all of us. One of her mantras was, “You can do anything for a minute,” and as time expired, pushed us with “You can do anything ten seconds.” And as I stood there giving up on the wall-sit minute, I dove back in for those ten seconds and dealt with the pain, because she was right, for myself and my children, I could do anything for ten seconds.
As I lay there on the mat in the dark during the cool down, I understood why people I had seen in videos flop down on the floor of a gym at the end of workout. We had just finished stretching and this song “Slow Down” started playing over the speakers.
I listened to the breathing of these women around me as they accompanied this song, acutely aware that I was a visitor, but also grateful to have the opportunity to share this special space. Part of me was jealous that I hadn’t found this space for myself, but more I was so happy that Diana had found this for herself.
We live in a culture where the patriarchy controls almost every facet of life. Men are in charge of almost every industry, event, experience and institution. The sexism women face every day is real, unending, and unjust. Add in all of the horrible things that mothers have to deal with and you have a perfect storm to tear down the spirit and test the strength of women. To get through this, men have to stand up and show support, for organizations like Fit 4 Mom in which women support women and give a sense of community and understanding that men cannot.
We do what we can as men. Sometimes it’s watching the kids, taking out the trash, and other times it’s showing up to an exclusively women fitness class, and working until you are out of breath, with no intention or attempt to be “the man” in the room, and honoring these women with respect.
During the first year of Ollie’s life I was working through some physical therapy. I had developed sesamoiditis (basically my foot hurt). It had developed during my 5th grade camping trip, and after seeing various doctors, I found a specialist that offered me more than pain killers, a prescription for physical therapy.
Physical therapy was two or three times a week for an hour in the evening. In our first year of Ollie’s life we were still very much figuring out how to do this parenting thing, so having to take care of Ollie without the other parents was challenging.
Diana was always 100% support of me taking this time for myself, and my self care. Even at the times when Ollie was crying, the house was a mess, and we were both exhausted, Diana shooed me out the door to make my physical therapy appointment.
So when Diana asked me what I thought about her doing an exercise class after Ethan was born, I was in full support. Even though I knew it was a challenge, I knew it was important that I have some times with my children by myself. It’s great to be a parenting partner with Diana, but you learn a lot about yourself and your kids when you are on your own (and it makes you more grateful for your partners work and support).
The organization was Fit4Mom. First Diana did Stroller Strides a class which included Ethan…in a stroller as the name suggests, and then Diana started doing Body Back. These experiences were as much a workout classes as they were an affinity group. I enjoyed hearing Diana tell me about new friends she was making and new exercises she was learning. Honestly though, I didn’t have a clear idea what she was doing in these classes, and I didn’t mind not knowing. She was coming back from these classes happy and she kept going.
Last weekend they had a special “invite a friend” class, and I figured why not? First off, I think it’s important that as a man, that I purposely put myself in spaces when I’m in the gender minority. Women are in the minority all of the time, and for my own growth, and to show support of Diana, I feel like it was important for me to show up. Also, a free work out class? All good.
We dropped off the kids with Diana’s dad Saturday morning and we headed to the Body Back class. There was a teacher and eight other women there to work out. The workout consisted of cycles: one minute cadio, one minute strength, and one minute. Each cycle repeated twice, and we got through a total of five cycles in that hour, along with a warm-up and cool down activity.
This was a tough class. I’m still feeling it three days later. There were some people there who were better than me, and some who weren’t, but they were all there, they all had showed up, and for that they had my respect. The teacher created a great positive vibe in the room giving encouragement without being distracting. She was positive without be disingenuous, and was happy to share this time with all of us.
The teacher drew on struggles of parenting and could authentically related to all of us. One of her mantras was, “You can do anything for a minute,” and as time expired, pushed us with “You can do anything ten seconds.” And as I stood there giving up on the wall-sit minute, I dove back in for those ten seconds and dealt with the pain, because she was right, for myself and my children, I could do anything for ten seconds.
As I lay there on the mat in the dark during the cool down, I understood why people I had seen in videos flop down on the floor of a gym at the end of workout. We had just finished stretching and this song “Slow Down” started playing over the speakers.
I listened to the breathing of these women around me as they accompanied this song, acutely aware that I was a visitor, but also grateful to have the opportunity to share this special space. Part of me was jealous that I hadn’t found this space for myself, but more I was so happy that Diana had found this for herself.
We live in a culture where the patriarchy controls almost every facet of life. Men are in charge of almost every industry, event, experience and institution. The sexism women face every day is real, unending, and unjust. Add in all of the horrible things that mothers have to deal with and you have a perfect storm to tear down the spirit and test the strength of women. To get through this, men have to stand up and show support, for organizations like Fit 4 Mom in which women support women and give a sense of community and understanding that men cannot.
We do what we can as men. Sometimes it’s watching the kids, taking out the trash, and other times it’s showing up to an exclusively women fitness class, and working until you are out of breath, with no intention or attempt to be “the man” in the room, and honoring these women with respect.
Friday, November 23, 2018
Year 9: Week 12 – Being A Better Educator Over Being A Better Music Teacher?
The quality of students’ performances especially with my 3rd and 5th graders has a ceiling. That’s the reality of the situation. They can only be so good on an objective musical level. This is a group of students with a wide range of musical ability, that meets twice a week for music class for 40 minutes. It’s never going to sound as good as an auditioned children’s choir. That’s an objective fact. This doesn’t mean that I don’t strive to raise my students to an ever-higher level, however it does mean I’m have to have realistic expectations.
One of the limitations, that is very real is my ability and skill as a music teacher. One of my professors at college once told me that the musical achievement of children is often more limited by the teacher than the students’ themselves. After being at this game for more than a decade. I know that to be a fact. My students sound better and perform better than they did eight years ago when I first started at this school. Maybe it’s because some of the students’ musical aptitude is higher but it probably more has to do with the fact that I’m a better teacher. But I’m not a master teacher, not by a long shot.
I see other teachers teach, and I read about things that other music programs are doing, and I’m not there. Yes, it’s possible for me to continue to improve my craft as a music teacher, but there’s only so much time for professional development and I’ve chosen much of the time not on the musical instruction part of my craft as a teacher. Instead I’ve focused most of time working addressing issues related to diversity, equity and inclusion in my development as an educator.
What does this mean for my students? Well, last week, we had a frank and open discussion about religious diversity in 3rd grade. After talking about a Hanukkah song, a girl asked me about some of her friends who told her she wasn’t Jewish because she didn’t go to Hebrew school, but she felt that she was Jewish. In 5th grade, while studying “Auld Lang Syne,” we explore the diversity of “whiteness” and discussed how people in America who identify as “white,” sometimes have other identities like Scottish, Irish, German and French which fly in the face of a monolithic idea of what it means to be Caucasian.
Do these discussions mean I spend less time in class teaching about singing technique, notation systems, and songs? Oh yeah. I struggle with this sometimes, but when I see how kids light up, and think when we have good discussions, and when I show videos that provide important mirrors and windows, I feel fine with the choices I’ve made.
When I saw my kids perform last week, there were musical things I wish were better, but the investment I saw in my students, and their passion and effort made the performances great. They knew the music but they also knew the cultural context of the music, the various identities of the artists who wrote and performed these songs.
So, I sit here frustrated that I wasn’t able to provide the time that my kids needed to rehearse on stage, and that will motivate me to plan better, and speak up louder for their needs. But more than frustrated, I’m proud of my students for their great work, and their exploration of this music.
Now onto prep for the Winter performance. Some songs I've done before and a crazy idea that might just work.
One of the limitations, that is very real is my ability and skill as a music teacher. One of my professors at college once told me that the musical achievement of children is often more limited by the teacher than the students’ themselves. After being at this game for more than a decade. I know that to be a fact. My students sound better and perform better than they did eight years ago when I first started at this school. Maybe it’s because some of the students’ musical aptitude is higher but it probably more has to do with the fact that I’m a better teacher. But I’m not a master teacher, not by a long shot.
I see other teachers teach, and I read about things that other music programs are doing, and I’m not there. Yes, it’s possible for me to continue to improve my craft as a music teacher, but there’s only so much time for professional development and I’ve chosen much of the time not on the musical instruction part of my craft as a teacher. Instead I’ve focused most of time working addressing issues related to diversity, equity and inclusion in my development as an educator.
What does this mean for my students? Well, last week, we had a frank and open discussion about religious diversity in 3rd grade. After talking about a Hanukkah song, a girl asked me about some of her friends who told her she wasn’t Jewish because she didn’t go to Hebrew school, but she felt that she was Jewish. In 5th grade, while studying “Auld Lang Syne,” we explore the diversity of “whiteness” and discussed how people in America who identify as “white,” sometimes have other identities like Scottish, Irish, German and French which fly in the face of a monolithic idea of what it means to be Caucasian.
Do these discussions mean I spend less time in class teaching about singing technique, notation systems, and songs? Oh yeah. I struggle with this sometimes, but when I see how kids light up, and think when we have good discussions, and when I show videos that provide important mirrors and windows, I feel fine with the choices I’ve made.
When I saw my kids perform last week, there were musical things I wish were better, but the investment I saw in my students, and their passion and effort made the performances great. They knew the music but they also knew the cultural context of the music, the various identities of the artists who wrote and performed these songs.
So, I sit here frustrated that I wasn’t able to provide the time that my kids needed to rehearse on stage, and that will motivate me to plan better, and speak up louder for their needs. But more than frustrated, I’m proud of my students for their great work, and their exploration of this music.
Now onto prep for the Winter performance. Some songs I've done before and a crazy idea that might just work.
Monday, November 19, 2018
Parenthood: Week 293 – Lego Land
Ollie’s been really into Legos lately. Like most parents we got him blocks as an early present. Theses included a set of wooden blocks, then Mega Bloks instead of Duplos (they are easier to put together), and now we’ve entered Lego land.
It has been fascinating to watch him from balancing wooden blocks together, struggle to put together Mega Bloks and now be able to manipulate small blocks. He still struggles at times to put some pieces together, but works at it, and I’ve seen great improvement in his fine motor skills.
I wrote off The Lego Movie and The Lego Batman Movie. I didn’t really think much of these films when they came out. I figured they were just a glorified toy commercial. On a whim, enjoying a rare plane flight when I was without children, I watched The Lego Batman Movie and was instantly surprised at the quality of a film, the wonderful way it addressed Batman’s convoluted continuity, and it’s message of teamwork and family.
When I had the opportunity, I watched The Lego Batman Movie with Ollie and he was entranced. After the first ten minutes, I looked over at him, and he looked hypnotized. I asked, “Ollie, do you want to keep watching?” “Yes,” he muttered softly.
Later, we dived into The Lego Movie, and I was surprised and really happy about the message. Lego lately have steered hard into licensed franchises like Star Wars. As someone who is proud of his love of geek culture, I love it, but as someone who wants Legos to be more than simply following directions, I worried about the lack of creativity of this type of experience. Yes, children learn important skills following the directions on a Lego sets, but the exploration of imaginative creation, I fear may be lost.
What I loved about The Lego Movie was that it was about celebrating building without directions, collaborating, and being a proud master-builder. Ever since we’ve watched the film, Ollie proclaims that he is a master builder.
If you go to our basement, the floor is covered in Legos (we are working on some storage). What I love about what I see down there is that while there are specific sets that he has put together like a floatplane and firetruck there’s a whole zoo full of animals he has made. He has modeled them after the “abstract thought” representations from the deconstruction scene from Inside Out.
While he enjoys playing with his mini-figures as action figures, Ollie is just as proud of the animals he has created.
We are worried because Legos are choking hazards for Ethan, and the storage issue is significant. Diana didn’t want to get Legos for the longest time for fear of stepping on them with bare feet. However, we’ve realized how much he gets out of this activity, and we are glad that he is having fun and engaging in such great imaginative play.
It has been fascinating to watch him from balancing wooden blocks together, struggle to put together Mega Bloks and now be able to manipulate small blocks. He still struggles at times to put some pieces together, but works at it, and I’ve seen great improvement in his fine motor skills.
I wrote off The Lego Movie and The Lego Batman Movie. I didn’t really think much of these films when they came out. I figured they were just a glorified toy commercial. On a whim, enjoying a rare plane flight when I was without children, I watched The Lego Batman Movie and was instantly surprised at the quality of a film, the wonderful way it addressed Batman’s convoluted continuity, and it’s message of teamwork and family.
When I had the opportunity, I watched The Lego Batman Movie with Ollie and he was entranced. After the first ten minutes, I looked over at him, and he looked hypnotized. I asked, “Ollie, do you want to keep watching?” “Yes,” he muttered softly.
Later, we dived into The Lego Movie, and I was surprised and really happy about the message. Lego lately have steered hard into licensed franchises like Star Wars. As someone who is proud of his love of geek culture, I love it, but as someone who wants Legos to be more than simply following directions, I worried about the lack of creativity of this type of experience. Yes, children learn important skills following the directions on a Lego sets, but the exploration of imaginative creation, I fear may be lost.
What I loved about The Lego Movie was that it was about celebrating building without directions, collaborating, and being a proud master-builder. Ever since we’ve watched the film, Ollie proclaims that he is a master builder.
If you go to our basement, the floor is covered in Legos (we are working on some storage). What I love about what I see down there is that while there are specific sets that he has put together like a floatplane and firetruck there’s a whole zoo full of animals he has made. He has modeled them after the “abstract thought” representations from the deconstruction scene from Inside Out.
While he enjoys playing with his mini-figures as action figures, Ollie is just as proud of the animals he has created.
We are worried because Legos are choking hazards for Ethan, and the storage issue is significant. Diana didn’t want to get Legos for the longest time for fear of stepping on them with bare feet. However, we’ve realized how much he gets out of this activity, and we are glad that he is having fun and engaging in such great imaginative play.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Year 9: Week 11 - Taft Memories 2018
Overall this was a nice trip to Lorado Taft with my 5th graders. This outdoor education retreat is one of the most meaningful and important experiences at my school. It’s the first overnight trip that students go on. Every following year, students go on other trips. Each trip has different goals, and different activities. The uniqueness of this experiences of this trip, and the fact that it’s the first overnight school trip makes it feel special.
There’s a group of teachers who go year after year, however there are always at least two or three new teachers who come on this trip. This time that I have during trip to get to know these new teachers have created foundations of relationships that have continues to grow. After this trip, it’s like we see each other in a different way, and have a shared experiences that brings us closer together.
One of the unique things about this trip is that high school seniors have a chance to go on it. All of the seniors are assigned different classrooms as part of a “Big Brother and Big Sisters” program. The seniors who are assigned to 5th grade have the chance to go on the Lorado Taft retreat along with the 5th graders. This is a great opportunity for leadership, revisiting this past experience, and reconnecting with the 5th grade teachers in a different context. I’ve really valued the time with seniors is past years on this trip, but this year was special. The seniors this year that came were the first seniors who had me as their 5th grade music teacher to go revisit this trip with me.
Instead of telling me recollections of their past music teachers, they were telling me stories about times they had me as a music teacher in the music classroom and on the 5th grade trip.
I remember them as 5th graders better than they do, and they remember times with me as their 5th grade music teacher better than I do. Some of their fond memories they share with me, I clearly remember but others that feel familiar I can’t bring to mind. It’s a reminder how impressionable how even though specific memories are lost, impressions and feelings remain.
One senior who came reminded me of the speech I gave during the campfire sing-along. I hadn’t really thought about it until she brought it up. She told me it was the best speech she had ever heard (I wrote it down on this post). It’s a great feeling knowing that my efforts have meant something.
Every year this trip is a challenge. There’s struggles that I don’t look forward to, but the good moments keep coming. With seniors coming from now on that I’ve taught, I’ll be reminded that all of the work, and the time away from my family means something to them, as it means something to me.
There’s a group of teachers who go year after year, however there are always at least two or three new teachers who come on this trip. This time that I have during trip to get to know these new teachers have created foundations of relationships that have continues to grow. After this trip, it’s like we see each other in a different way, and have a shared experiences that brings us closer together.
One of the unique things about this trip is that high school seniors have a chance to go on it. All of the seniors are assigned different classrooms as part of a “Big Brother and Big Sisters” program. The seniors who are assigned to 5th grade have the chance to go on the Lorado Taft retreat along with the 5th graders. This is a great opportunity for leadership, revisiting this past experience, and reconnecting with the 5th grade teachers in a different context. I’ve really valued the time with seniors is past years on this trip, but this year was special. The seniors this year that came were the first seniors who had me as their 5th grade music teacher to go revisit this trip with me.
Instead of telling me recollections of their past music teachers, they were telling me stories about times they had me as a music teacher in the music classroom and on the 5th grade trip.
I remember them as 5th graders better than they do, and they remember times with me as their 5th grade music teacher better than I do. Some of their fond memories they share with me, I clearly remember but others that feel familiar I can’t bring to mind. It’s a reminder how impressionable how even though specific memories are lost, impressions and feelings remain.
One senior who came reminded me of the speech I gave during the campfire sing-along. I hadn’t really thought about it until she brought it up. She told me it was the best speech she had ever heard (I wrote it down on this post). It’s a great feeling knowing that my efforts have meant something.
Every year this trip is a challenge. There’s struggles that I don’t look forward to, but the good moments keep coming. With seniors coming from now on that I’ve taught, I’ll be reminded that all of the work, and the time away from my family means something to them, as it means something to me.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Parenthood: Week 292 – AM
This is an amalgamation of night time adventures that have happened with my one-year old Ethan, as he continues to prefer to sleep in our bed over his crib. While not every one of these things happened on the same night, the description here is not unrealistic or misrepresentative of the challenges of getting a baby back to bed.
7:40 PM
9:40 PM
10:00 PM
10:45 PM
1:39 AM
2:20 AM
3:00 AM
3:30 AM
3:45 AM
5:30 AM
Diana walked into Ollie’s bedroom, as I was finishing up my bedtime reading to him. We had gotten into the groove of Diana nursing and putting Ethan to sleep as I read a story to Ollie. Then I would say goodnight to Ollie and and tag out. Without much effort Diana had put him into his crib and he slept comfortably as Diana read to Ollie and I went downstairs to take care of evening chores. I hadn’t had chance to say goodnight to Ethan yet, but I wasn’t too worried about missing out.
9:40 PM
I turned down the volume on the television, and my suspicions were correct, Ethan was crying. I ran up the stairs and found him sitting up in his crib, crying sadly. I reached down to pick him up and carried him over to the rocking chair. He settled down quickly in my arms, grabbed a handful of my shirt, and closed his eyes.
10:00 PM
Ethan’s arm slipped out of his mouth and fell to his side. I felt his weight relax into my arms. I stood up, and carried him over to his crib. With great care, I leaned over and tried and placed him in the crib. As soon as his body weight fell onto the surface of the crib, he started crying again. I placed my hand on his chest in an attempt to comfort him, but it didn’t seem to help. At this point, Diana walked into the room, tapped me on the shoulder, and relieved me.
10:45 PM
Finally ready for bed after getting some work emails done, brushing Buffy’s teeth, and taking care of my bedtime routine. I looked down in my side of the bed and there was Ethan curled up on my side of the bed. I carefully picked him up, and managed to transfer him to his crib. As I got into bed, Diana sleepily said, “thank you” and I settled in for the night.
1:39 AM
I woke up to the sound of Ethan crying. I picked him up out of bed, and paced around the room trying to get him to calm down. After he settled down, I went to the rocking chair and we rocked together.
2:20 AM
I woke up from a light sleep realizing I had dozed off. Assuming that Ethan was ready for a transfer, I picked him up, and placed him gently in his crib. He exhaled with a gentle sigh, rolled over...and then started crying. I picked him up...again.
3:00 AM
After another failed attempt to transfer Ethan to his crib, I stood there at the edge of the crib at a loss of what to do. He pulled himself up on the railing of the crib and leaned his head into my stomach, attempting to cuddle with me standing up.
3:30 AM
As I lay in Ethan’s crib, I’m considered the weight limit of this thing, and whether it’s was worth taking the chance that I would break this thing. At the time it the risk felt worth it, as Ethan peacefully slept on my chest. Now I just need to figure out how to climb out of this thing without waking him up.
3:45 AM
“Well, at least he’s not crying,” I’m thinking as I stand on my tiptoes (the only way I can reach into the crib, yes I’m short), bent at the waist with my arm underneath Ethan’s neck. I’ve been this way for at least five minutes. I didn’t quite get climb out of the crib without stirring him, and the physical contact of my arm seemed to pacify him. I slowly pulled my arm out from under his neck, he rolled over, and continued to sleep.
5:30 AM
Time to get up for work.
Friday, November 9, 2018
Year 9: Week 10 – ...of Color
“Yes, of course you can come. You are a person and color, AND there’s free food. C’mon!”
Maybe it was because she was my department chair, or maybe because my lunch that day didn’t seem that appetizing, but that day I took a chance and went to my first faculty and staff of color luncheon.
Like many people I thought that the term “people of color,” didn’t apply to me. I knew that I was a racial minority in the United States. I was a “person of color by definition and in theory, but in practice it felt different. “Person of color,” felt like more of a term used to refer to people who identified as Black and/or African-American. Much like how the term “diversity,” is often meant to refer to issues around race, even though the definition in theory is far wider.
When I saw the email about the first faculty and staff of color luncheon, I didn’t really think to go. It was my first year at this school, my prep time was always full, and my teaching philosophy had not evolved with the focus on diversity, equity, and inclusion which would later become the foundation for my teaching philosophy.
It was what I expected. Almost everyone in the room was Black or African-American, with a few Latinx and Asian people. I grabbed some food and looked for a place to sit down. Then something happened that would become the norm when I entered affinity group spaces. I was welcomed with open arms literally, and otherwise.
People were excited to see me. They came up and shook my hand, I received hugs from some who I was meeting for the first time. All of the people in the room welcomed me not as a person who was new and had to earn his place, but as a person, they had been waiting for, finally home after a long journey.
As I settled down, I noticed that people were talking in Spanish, and others teachers were speaking in relaxed accents and expressions. It was clear that no one in that space was trying to “talk white.” I was surprised how different some teachers’ sounded in this space which helped me begin to understand why affinity spaces were so important. They didn’t feel a need to code-switch in my presence. I was one of them, and in their expression of their authentic selves, I felt their acceptance of me.
I was keenly aware that I was a minority in a room full of minorities, an outsider by appearance, and on the surface, this didn’t seem any different than the rest of my life. I’ve spent my entire life in spaces when I was a racial minority. In every single classroom, except for Asian-American history in college, I was a minority in a group of Caucasians. Every social and work space and all of the family occasions on my wife’s side, I carry that feeling of not fully being a member even though I am welcomed in every other way. The vast majority of the time, I experienced the kindness of inclusion in my life. However even in the best of times, I always knew I was one who didn’t really fit in with the others
In this space full of black and brown people, I did feel a level of discomfort, but it was balanced with something I had never experienced before.
I was raised in the “colorblind,” world, where the best way to deal with racial identity was to pretend that you “didn’t see race.” This erasure attitude about the racial identity asked people to look beyond race to the person on the inside. While this seemed like a good idea at the time, the feeling of people hiding their thoughts about racial identity, created an atmosphere, and feeling that there weren’t problems with race in America. I grew up feeling that people didn’t want to acknowledge my race, and they would value me despite my race, as if this part of my identity was something that was not considered, and that I shouldn’t value myself.
In that room with those faculty and staff of color full of people who came together because of their racial identity. I felt that my racial identity, my heritage, and my experiences were truly acknowledged, and that my whole self was valued. The only way this could happen was for my racial identity to not be looked beyond but rather acknowledged and honored.
I get that it may sound “racist,” that people accepted me because of my race, so I’ll try to unpack this here, and why this isn’t “racist” at all.
How often are you reminded of you racial identity? Ten times a day? Twenty times a day? Zero? People of color are made to to think about about their race all of the time. The reality is that the vast majority of time when people of color are reminded of their racial identity, are not positive experiences. These are times when people make racist innuendos, have thoughtless conversations, participate in racist acts that are not intended to be racist. It’s in the moments when people ask me “what are you?” or expect me to be an expert in all Asian cultures. For serious, I’ve had people assume I’m an expert on the Vietnam War, my family is from Taiwan.
They are different countries. SIGH.
When someone reminds me of being Asian by saying something offensive, it becomes a moment of burden. This reminder is not meant to serve me. It's a moments when I am made to think of my identity for someone else’s curiosity and puts me in a place where I sometimes feel obligated to do the work of helping them understand their own racist action.
On the rare occasion, when I’m reminded of race in a positive way, it can feel initially jarring, but more than that it is relaxing and a feeling of validation. Their acknowledgment of my race is not for their benefit, but for my own. In that room, they validated my racial identity so that I could feel the support of this part of our school’s community and support me in my own process of racial development.
After that initial luncheon, people started involving me in side-conversations in the hall and reaching out to me to provide support, and for my counsel. They felt my support and camaraderie through my presence and what they returned back was welcoming me, all of me, into the community and the work to make the school a more equitable and inclusive space.
Maybe it was because she was my department chair, or maybe because my lunch that day didn’t seem that appetizing, but that day I took a chance and went to my first faculty and staff of color luncheon.
Like many people I thought that the term “people of color,” didn’t apply to me. I knew that I was a racial minority in the United States. I was a “person of color by definition and in theory, but in practice it felt different. “Person of color,” felt like more of a term used to refer to people who identified as Black and/or African-American. Much like how the term “diversity,” is often meant to refer to issues around race, even though the definition in theory is far wider.
When I saw the email about the first faculty and staff of color luncheon, I didn’t really think to go. It was my first year at this school, my prep time was always full, and my teaching philosophy had not evolved with the focus on diversity, equity, and inclusion which would later become the foundation for my teaching philosophy.
It was what I expected. Almost everyone in the room was Black or African-American, with a few Latinx and Asian people. I grabbed some food and looked for a place to sit down. Then something happened that would become the norm when I entered affinity group spaces. I was welcomed with open arms literally, and otherwise.
People were excited to see me. They came up and shook my hand, I received hugs from some who I was meeting for the first time. All of the people in the room welcomed me not as a person who was new and had to earn his place, but as a person, they had been waiting for, finally home after a long journey.
As I settled down, I noticed that people were talking in Spanish, and others teachers were speaking in relaxed accents and expressions. It was clear that no one in that space was trying to “talk white.” I was surprised how different some teachers’ sounded in this space which helped me begin to understand why affinity spaces were so important. They didn’t feel a need to code-switch in my presence. I was one of them, and in their expression of their authentic selves, I felt their acceptance of me.
I was keenly aware that I was a minority in a room full of minorities, an outsider by appearance, and on the surface, this didn’t seem any different than the rest of my life. I’ve spent my entire life in spaces when I was a racial minority. In every single classroom, except for Asian-American history in college, I was a minority in a group of Caucasians. Every social and work space and all of the family occasions on my wife’s side, I carry that feeling of not fully being a member even though I am welcomed in every other way. The vast majority of the time, I experienced the kindness of inclusion in my life. However even in the best of times, I always knew I was one who didn’t really fit in with the others
In this space full of black and brown people, I did feel a level of discomfort, but it was balanced with something I had never experienced before.
I was raised in the “colorblind,” world, where the best way to deal with racial identity was to pretend that you “didn’t see race.” This erasure attitude about the racial identity asked people to look beyond race to the person on the inside. While this seemed like a good idea at the time, the feeling of people hiding their thoughts about racial identity, created an atmosphere, and feeling that there weren’t problems with race in America. I grew up feeling that people didn’t want to acknowledge my race, and they would value me despite my race, as if this part of my identity was something that was not considered, and that I shouldn’t value myself.
In that room with those faculty and staff of color full of people who came together because of their racial identity. I felt that my racial identity, my heritage, and my experiences were truly acknowledged, and that my whole self was valued. The only way this could happen was for my racial identity to not be looked beyond but rather acknowledged and honored.
I get that it may sound “racist,” that people accepted me because of my race, so I’ll try to unpack this here, and why this isn’t “racist” at all.
How often are you reminded of you racial identity? Ten times a day? Twenty times a day? Zero? People of color are made to to think about about their race all of the time. The reality is that the vast majority of time when people of color are reminded of their racial identity, are not positive experiences. These are times when people make racist innuendos, have thoughtless conversations, participate in racist acts that are not intended to be racist. It’s in the moments when people ask me “what are you?” or expect me to be an expert in all Asian cultures. For serious, I’ve had people assume I’m an expert on the Vietnam War, my family is from Taiwan.
They are different countries. SIGH.
When someone reminds me of being Asian by saying something offensive, it becomes a moment of burden. This reminder is not meant to serve me. It's a moments when I am made to think of my identity for someone else’s curiosity and puts me in a place where I sometimes feel obligated to do the work of helping them understand their own racist action.
On the rare occasion, when I’m reminded of race in a positive way, it can feel initially jarring, but more than that it is relaxing and a feeling of validation. Their acknowledgment of my race is not for their benefit, but for my own. In that room, they validated my racial identity so that I could feel the support of this part of our school’s community and support me in my own process of racial development.
After that initial luncheon, people started involving me in side-conversations in the hall and reaching out to me to provide support, and for my counsel. They felt my support and camaraderie through my presence and what they returned back was welcoming me, all of me, into the community and the work to make the school a more equitable and inclusive space.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Parenthood: Week 291 - The Things I Don't Share
There are facets of my identity that I share with Ollie and Ethan, my sons. We are all American, our biological sex is male, and we both share parts of our DNA. All of these things are categorized as vertical identities, things that I shared with my children.
Horizontal identities are identities that my children do not share with me, but they will likely find with people in their own generation. For example, they are mixed race, I am not. Ethan has a disability, and I do not. My children may not share the same sexual identity and/or the same gender expression as me.
Add all of this on top of the normal generation gap issues like music, and movies, along with the dramatically different way technology is integrated into their lives than during my generation, contribute to a very different experience my children will have growing up from my own. If you take this a step further, Ethan and Ollie grandparents and them have even more than a generation gap, they have a chasm of differences in their identities and their life experiences.
It is not uncommon children who do have horizontal identities have challenges with their parents. For example, straight parents with a Gay child, hearing parents with a deaf child, cis-gender parents with a transgender child. All of these situations are difficult in the best of the situations, and traumatic and scarring in the worst of situations.
When you don’t share life experience, and more importantly don’t share identities with your children, you as a parent need to extra work around gender. You will never know what it’s like as a father to be a girl, so if you’ve got daughters you have to work extra-hard to be feminist and do right by your daughters. I don’t know what it’s like to be mixed-race, so I’ve got work to do.
The reality is that if you create a family where children feel free to explore the many facets of their identity it is more likely than not that your children will differ than you in some way, and it’s incumbent on you as the parent to try understand this identity and support it. It may be something like sexual identity, or it may be the fact that your child identifies as a comic book geek, and you don’t.
Cultural plurality is not really a choice, or a novelty. It’s my family. My side of the family is mostly Asian but also has white women, and mixed raced children. There was a time that almost everyone spoke and understood Mandarin Chinese as an extended family. This is no longer the case anymore. Diana’s side is not all Caucasian, and they are not all the same religion. We can’t take for granted that just because we are a family, that these differences will somehow work themselves out. They will not unless we as the older generation make the effort to build bridges, cross them ourselves, and challenge ourselves to support parts of our children, which we don’t completely understand.
I know that there are things that my children will go through that I will be limited in my ability to help them work through. There will times that I will need to rely on someone else who is mixed-race to support them because I don’t really get the issues they are working through. This is the job for progressive parents. It's transforming parenting from guiding children through their own paths of life into learning experience as parent help their children fine a new journey, unfamiliar but right.
Horizontal identities are identities that my children do not share with me, but they will likely find with people in their own generation. For example, they are mixed race, I am not. Ethan has a disability, and I do not. My children may not share the same sexual identity and/or the same gender expression as me.
Add all of this on top of the normal generation gap issues like music, and movies, along with the dramatically different way technology is integrated into their lives than during my generation, contribute to a very different experience my children will have growing up from my own. If you take this a step further, Ethan and Ollie grandparents and them have even more than a generation gap, they have a chasm of differences in their identities and their life experiences.
It is not uncommon children who do have horizontal identities have challenges with their parents. For example, straight parents with a Gay child, hearing parents with a deaf child, cis-gender parents with a transgender child. All of these situations are difficult in the best of the situations, and traumatic and scarring in the worst of situations.
When you don’t share life experience, and more importantly don’t share identities with your children, you as a parent need to extra work around gender. You will never know what it’s like as a father to be a girl, so if you’ve got daughters you have to work extra-hard to be feminist and do right by your daughters. I don’t know what it’s like to be mixed-race, so I’ve got work to do.
The reality is that if you create a family where children feel free to explore the many facets of their identity it is more likely than not that your children will differ than you in some way, and it’s incumbent on you as the parent to try understand this identity and support it. It may be something like sexual identity, or it may be the fact that your child identifies as a comic book geek, and you don’t.
Cultural plurality is not really a choice, or a novelty. It’s my family. My side of the family is mostly Asian but also has white women, and mixed raced children. There was a time that almost everyone spoke and understood Mandarin Chinese as an extended family. This is no longer the case anymore. Diana’s side is not all Caucasian, and they are not all the same religion. We can’t take for granted that just because we are a family, that these differences will somehow work themselves out. They will not unless we as the older generation make the effort to build bridges, cross them ourselves, and challenge ourselves to support parts of our children, which we don’t completely understand.
I know that there are things that my children will go through that I will be limited in my ability to help them work through. There will times that I will need to rely on someone else who is mixed-race to support them because I don’t really get the issues they are working through. This is the job for progressive parents. It's transforming parenting from guiding children through their own paths of life into learning experience as parent help their children fine a new journey, unfamiliar but right.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Year 9: Week 9 – The Trip And The Election
Next week I’m off to the 5th grade outdoor education trip. This has been one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had as a teacher at this school. It puts me out of my comfort zone, allows me to get to know my students in a different way, and has challenged me to contribute to a trip experience in ways that I had never done previously (e.g. leading a campfire sing along for the first time). It has been a part of my school year every year I’ve been here, except for last year. A week before the trip last year my second son, Ethan was born so I was on paternity leave during the trip and did not go. Two years ago, the last time I went, was over the Tuesday of the 2016 election.
I’ll never forget sitting with all of my wonderful teaching colleagues on our phones and laptops watching the news and feeling hope leave us. Calling and texting my wife as the night went on and the results that were once unimaginable became clear. And I hope I never forget following morning watching one of my colleagues announce to the students the results, and seeing the two Black girls in the grade holding hands and crying silently as they realized that Senator Clinton had lost and he had somehow won.
All of this has been coming back to me in the past couple days as I prepare for the trip next week, and the coming election. Going on this trip, this will be my eighth time going. Going on this trip always feels a little like going back to Neverland. It’s a place that feel so far away from reality, a place where we can focus on the students, and nature, and a place that two years ago was invaded by the parts of our society who could not see past the fear to work towards hope. And now going back, my feelings and my memories of this place are no longer as pure as they were before that night two years ago.
Like being 8 years old, it makes sense that my innocence with this place has been lost. And next week, I go there again, with an election that in some ways is as consequential if not more consequential than the last. I’ll enter that room where the two Black girls cried, and the lounge where the teachers met, and like seeing rain on a sunny day, my emotions will mix, good and bad, joyous and painful. Dark and light.
While I would have rather spent that election day two years ago with my family, and while I am not looking forward to being far from them next Tuesday, I was comforted, as I am now knowing that the work I am doing means something. That day two years ago, late at night I decided to get to work. It was that moment which crystalize a feeling that led to me becoming one of our schools’ Diversity, Equity and Inclusion co-chair. All the work I’ve done with that centralizing DEI work in my curriculum has proven as the most relevant, and important work I’ve done in my teaching career.
No matter what happens Tuesday, I know that my work is fighting the tide of ignorance and hate. It’s educating students to go beyond fear, through the discomfort of difficulty conversations to the joy of embracing differences, and the enriching work of becoming a Beloved Community.
I’ll never forget sitting with all of my wonderful teaching colleagues on our phones and laptops watching the news and feeling hope leave us. Calling and texting my wife as the night went on and the results that were once unimaginable became clear. And I hope I never forget following morning watching one of my colleagues announce to the students the results, and seeing the two Black girls in the grade holding hands and crying silently as they realized that Senator Clinton had lost and he had somehow won.
All of this has been coming back to me in the past couple days as I prepare for the trip next week, and the coming election. Going on this trip, this will be my eighth time going. Going on this trip always feels a little like going back to Neverland. It’s a place that feel so far away from reality, a place where we can focus on the students, and nature, and a place that two years ago was invaded by the parts of our society who could not see past the fear to work towards hope. And now going back, my feelings and my memories of this place are no longer as pure as they were before that night two years ago.
Like being 8 years old, it makes sense that my innocence with this place has been lost. And next week, I go there again, with an election that in some ways is as consequential if not more consequential than the last. I’ll enter that room where the two Black girls cried, and the lounge where the teachers met, and like seeing rain on a sunny day, my emotions will mix, good and bad, joyous and painful. Dark and light.
While I would have rather spent that election day two years ago with my family, and while I am not looking forward to being far from them next Tuesday, I was comforted, as I am now knowing that the work I am doing means something. That day two years ago, late at night I decided to get to work. It was that moment which crystalize a feeling that led to me becoming one of our schools’ Diversity, Equity and Inclusion co-chair. All the work I’ve done with that centralizing DEI work in my curriculum has proven as the most relevant, and important work I’ve done in my teaching career.
No matter what happens Tuesday, I know that my work is fighting the tide of ignorance and hate. It’s educating students to go beyond fear, through the discomfort of difficulty conversations to the joy of embracing differences, and the enriching work of becoming a Beloved Community.
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