10 Moments Of 2021: Part 4 - The Vaccine

1. The Vaccine

When I think back at the most emotional moments of 2021, most of them are all related to the same thing: the COVID-19 vaccine. 

The vaccine changed the pandemic from something that felt insurmountable to something that we could handle. The vaccine made my job as a teacher feel more reasonable, it meant that I could finally see my parents, and it meant that my wife and my son were much less likely to be tragic statistics.

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I signed up as soon as my school sent out the email for vaccine appointments. My school coordinated vaccines appointments for everyone in our community, and I was fortunate to get one on a Tuesday morning before my classes started.

The actual moment of getting the vaccine was unremarkable. I did see some of my colleagues in line and waved to them as I headed to my car. I sat in my car, trying to process what had just happened. I had learned in this pandemic to hope for the best and not to believe things would happen until they happened.

I didn’t tell my mom that I had made the appointment. I didn’t want to get her hopes up just in case something happened. Now that I had the shot in the arm, and it happened, she was the first person I wanted to talk to. It’s hard to know how difficult it was for her knowing that I had been teaching in person for the entirety of the fall and early winter. I hated the idea that my job was causing stress and anxiety to my family. So I called her. Close to tears, I told her I got my shot. She was happy for me, relieved, and told me to take care of myself and watch out for side effects.

My mom was not as emotional as I was over the phone, and in a way, this was helpful. She responded to me getting the vaccine as something pragmatic, something that I would, of course, do. This was an affirmation of what she believed would happen. For me, it was a promise made true.

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Unsurprisingly, many were hesitant to get the vaccine. Sick and demented individuals played on this fear to make more money and consolidate power, most of whom were vaccinated themselves. The vast majority of anti-vax advocates are Republicans. Their lack of care for their constituents was a sad reminder that they were willing to sacrifice, even their supporters if it meant they could get reelected.

I wish I could say that these people didn’t get to me, but they did. I have raged, sworn at, and felt great anger at those Americans who are holding us back by refusing to get the vaccines. Do I still have hope in humanity? Yes, but after seeing the cruelty of the past year, I’m beginning to think that cruelty is our nature and that kindness is what is truly extraordinary. 

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I watched my colleagues getting booster shots in the school gym, some from parent volunteers who are health care professionals. I knew that some of my colleagues had side effects from previous COVID-19 vaccinations shots, like mine or worse, but they were lining up to get their boosters.

After getting a COVID-19 booster, I sat there talking to another teacher. As my colleagues lined up in front of us, it felt nice to see all of us doing the right thing. That evening the side effects started and the following day. I felt awful. I was achy, and I felt hungover for three days. After I got my second shot, it was far worse. It took me a week to get over that shot.

Other colleagues had far worse side effects from the first two shots, but that didn’t stop them from getting their booster shot. Some of them got rough side effects from the booster, but that didn’t make them bitter.

We decided to come back to get the booster shot for ourselves, our families, and our students. We know that the short-term pain and inconvenience are worth making the school safer. And we see that getting to a point where our students can experience school with fewer mitigations that hinder their social, emotional, and academic learning is worth the short-term pain.

I am proud of my colleagues for doing the right thing, the parent volunteers for helping, and my school for hosting a booster clinic for the faculty and the community.

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People with children have experienced the pandemic very differently than people without children. For example, early in the pandemic, some without children worked from home and binged watched Netflix, while people struggled to help their children with remote learning. At the same time, they tried to remote work, working late into the night and being woken up by their children early in the morning. Similarly, the lack of vaccines for children was felt very differently by those with children.

While some people hadn’t even gotten one shot, many Americans had reached their third shot, and many more were desperately waiting for the COVID-19 vaccine to be available for children. The fear parents had of their children getting COVID-19 was genuine and felt by many, including myself.

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When I turned on the car and picked the NPR app on my phone, the news immediately came up. The FDA had cleared emergency use of the COVID-19 vaccine for 5-12 years olds. I immediately felt myself getting emotional. I knew all along since the beginning of the pandemic that my children were not the ones at high risk of getting COVID-19 and dying from this virus, but still, I worried. So we were careful. It doesn’t matter how low the risk is of your child being hospitalized due to COVID-19 when it’s your child. And I did know that this vaccine meant that risk would drop dramatically for my child.

I sat in my car in my school parking lot after a stressful day at work, feeling the sunlight on my face. This important step, young children having to have vaccines, meant that my child would be much safer. More than that, it was one step closer to all the children in the world being able to take masks off and return to experiencing childhood as it should be. Every day, I am reminded of what our children are losing due to necessary COVID-19 mitigations.

I had just gotten my COVID-19 booster shot, and soon my son would get his. I thought to myself, “we are going to be okay.”

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Getting the COVID-19 vaccine is an of self-love and also love for others. Like voting, getting a vaccine is a patriotic act that dramatically impacts society when we all participate but has less meaning if only a few take action. The COVID-19 vaccine results from generations of scientific achievement by scientists and researchers. We make meaningful these people's work and their gifts to us by taking the vaccine.

The vaccine was a reflection of people’s selfishness and their selflessness. Oppressors used the vaccines to harm others, and many felt oppression through how the vaccine was distributed. While the COVID-19 vaccine was one of our most outstanding achievements, there is shame in how some dealt with vaccines.

As we choose who to hire, who should lead, and who we spend time in our lives with, we can find reflections of their character in whether they got the vaccine, as they were physically able to do, and how they talked about the vaccine to others.

2021 was the year we had the power to make choices to change the course of the pandemic, the course of our lives, and the lives of others. The vaccine gave us power, greater freedom and a brighter future.

10 Moments Of 2021: Part 3

4. In Buffy’s Eyes 

There were times in my life when I took Buffy for granted. 

I’m ashamed to say that there were times when caring for Buffy felt like a chore than an expression of love. I was able to get away with this because Buffy doesn’t ask for much. Instead, she is content with some time to explore the world and our presence. Because of this, when I was too self-involved to notice, I wasn’t present for Buffy.

Buffy had some tough moments this past year. The kibble that we had been feeding her for years wasn’t working anymore. She had bouts of stomach issues, sometimes needing to go out in the middle of the night four or five times. We would take her off the kibble, and then I would cook her chicken and rice. She would get better, and then we would switch back to kibble, and then she would get worse again. Finally, it got to the point that she was starting to have stomach issues with chicken and rice. Buffy had less energy, and there was a little less bounce in her walk.

One of our best friends suggested we try a dog food service that cooks human-grade meals for dogs, freeze it, and then ship a month’s worth of food in a box with dry ice. We settled on The Farmer’s Dog, and Buffy is doing great! She has gained weight back, her coat looks wonderful, and she has more energy. Buffy is excited to eat and complains to us if we don’t feed her on time. This is a change for a dog who hasn’t been food motivated in the past.

This food is expensive, but Buffy is worth it. She is one of my children, my first, and she doesn’t ask for much. Giving her quality food that makes he feel better and brings her joy is the least I could do. The expense is not unreasonable as I have come to accept where Buffy is in her life.

Everything in life is finite, and when we forget this, we take it for granted. Accepting these realities is hard, but it motivates us to get more meaning from our lives. The truth is that Buffy is closer to moving on than coming into our lives. The distant future with Buffy is no longer unimaginable. 

In the past couple of months, I’ve made an effort to say goodnight to Buffy every night. Sometimes I tell her that she’s a good dog. Other times I thank her for her help with the boys. And I always make sure to tell her that I love her, nuzzle up in her mane, kiss her on the forehead and say goodnight. Some nights I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling uneasy like I have forgotten something. And then I get up and kiss Buffy again.  Then I immediately fell calm, knowing that I didn’t forget my puppy and grateful that she is near.

3. Home At Last

After almost a year and a half, we traveled to the Seattle area and visited my parents, my brother, and his family in August. Since I moved to the Chicagoland area in 2000, I had typically seen my family three or four times a year. This was important in my life, and when I had children, the time with my family felt ever more precious. All of this changed when the pandemic started.

Being with my family after so much time way felt wonderfully “normal.” Even though it had almost been a year and a half that we had been physically apart, we talked like we always did. We stayed at my parents’ new condo, which was a fun adventure. This place was smaller than their old house, but it had many amenities like a pool that we enjoyed.  Also, they now live in a downtown area, so there were a lot of places to go within walking distance.  

We were there for the most extreme heatwave that area had experienced in decades, but we figured it out and still managed to enjoy our time.

This was a truly wonderful trip. My parents followed this up with their first trip to visit us during Thanksgiving in twenty years, which was also a great experience. We agreed that the next time we would get together is in February, so we planned on that.

We missed so much being apart, but I don’t dwell on that. Instead, I feel grateful for the time we had together and the times we will spend together in the future. This pandemic has been tough, but it has also been a confirmation of the strength of my family. The pandemic kept us apart physically, but it didn't make our love wane.  This was confirmed with Lucas. He saw my parents when he was a baby and then over Zoom. How would he react to them? Well, he knew my parents and their love almost immediately.  He smiled at them and was comfortable with them, cuddling with them and enjoying their company.

I miss my family when we are apart, and that’s hard.  However, I also love that I have people that make me feel the twinge in my heart when we are part and fill me up so completely when we are together.

2. Self-Care Becoming A Reality

I’m great at preaching about self-care. I’ve read articles about self-care and listened to lectures about self-care in numerous conferences, but I’m horrible at actually doing self-care.

I kept exercising regularly through the pandemic, but that was about it with self-care. I didn’t drink enough water, eat all that well, drank too much alcohol, spent too much time on my phone, and didn’t sleep enough. I knew that this was affecting me, I was gaining weight, but I felt like I didn’t have the time to change. Then it hit me when I saw some photographs of myself in September. I wasn’t feeling great, and it showed.

So I went for it and started with Noom, a health app I had heard advertised on one of my favorite podcasts. Noom is a meal tracker, health tracker (weight, steps, and water), community space, and self-help book all-in-one. Is this a diet? Kind of, it does categorize food and push you into a type of diet. However, there is a lot of choice and leeway. Each day, you track your food, weight, water, steps, and exercise. In addition, you are supposed to do ten minutes of reading on your Noom app about various topics, including hormones, sleep, mindfulness, and nutrition.

In the last four months, I have made a lot of changes with the encouragement of Noom. I sleep more, and I’ve started reading books before going to bed, which I love. In addition, I cut myself off my phone an hour before I go to bed, I eat a lot better than I’ve lost weight, and I’ve even played around with meditation a little bit.

There’s a lot I need to work out. First, I need to accept that at 39-years old, I will never look like a fitness model, and I need to be okay with that.  At the same time, I can strive to be healthier. Second, I need to learn to balance out my healthy eating choices with allowing myself to enjoy indulgent food, and third I need to know to celebrate health goals not passed simply on my weight.

I sometimes feel like I’m spending too much time thinking about my health, and maybe I am. However, taking better care of myself feels like a hobby that I’m enjoying right now. I know Noom has its flaws and it may not end up being the right thing for me, but I have kept this up for four months.  Right now this feels like this approach to self-care and an important part of my life journey.

I want to feel proud of my body, but more than that, I want to feel proud of myself. Maybe this is what self-care is all about.

Parenthood: Week 455 - 10 Moments Of 2021: Part 2

My reflection on my sons, in no particular order...

Ollie has an excellent mind for games.

In the past year, he continued to develop his skill with chess. He has also gotten into playing other games too. Somehow he ended up with some Pokemon cards. He would take them out and look at them periodically. I asked him one day if he wanted to learn how to play the game, and he was excited about this idea. So I bought him two duel decks, the most basic one I could find, and we got to it. Ollie caught on quickly. Every other time I got him more decks, he was really excited to get into the game and play it. I would sometimes find Ollie playing a Pokemon against himself to practice and get to know the decks better. 

On our trip to Seattle over the summer, one of the things that we did was play board games. So, I suggested that he play chess with my dad. My dad was a little apprehensive at first since he hadn’t played the game in a while. However, my dad quickly found his groove. Then I suggested that my dad teach Ollie Chinese Chess.

Watching Ollie learn Chinese Chess from my dad was really special. It was more than a board game. This is part of Ollie’s heritage and a way that my dad and my son could bond. In full teaching mode, my dad helped Ollie understand the strategy and nuances of the game, and Ollie paid attention well and worked hard at playing the game.

Through Ollie’s talent with games, he learned about dad and himself, and through sharing the game of Chinese Chess crossed over that generational and cultural barrier.

 

Ethan is a lot of things. 

He is exuberant, opinionated, and loud. However, he is also creative, focused, and determined. We first saw this early in the pandemic because he did puzzles. This little child, whose energy at times was almost too much for our house to contain, would work quietly at a puzzle designed for children twice his age.

This evolved into workbooks in 2021. At first, it was these Color Wonder coloring books. These markers revealed color on the special paper but otherwise came off on normal paper as white. As Ethan worked on these, he started coloring specific shapes instead of just coloring all over the page, which he previously did. As a result, he colored through almost every Color Wonder book I found. He easily did upwards of fifty of these coloring pages.

Next was color by sticker books. Most of these books had stickers that you would peel off had numbers next to them, and you would put the stickers on a page space with corresponding numbers. Only recently is Ethan able to use the numbers to do these books. He just went by the shape and figured it out that way. He’s done at least ten of these books. Then I got him workbooks with letter practice, cut and paste activities, and matching work. H has done about a dozen of these. Now he’s only color-by-number work, and it unique his accuracy with coloring in the lines and the care at which he works.

Ethan has a set of markers. I have a backup set, so I can replace it for him whenever he uses up a marker. Ollie used his markers, but he never used them up the way Ethan does. It’s remarkable.

I love the moments when Ethan is concentrating and working. This year he really blossomed with this type of work. I am excited to see how this continues to evolve and the wonderful work he will do next year.

This year, Lucas began to reply.

When you have a baby, you communicate with them for the day they are born, but initially, you don’t get much back. Then, after a couple of months, they start to smile when you make a funny sound, and eventually, little baby sounds come out when you talk to them. In addition to words, we use hand motions to respond to babies, and over time they start doing them back. It’s a wonderful moment when they start to wave because it’s an exchange, a wonderful moment of connection.

For Lucas, 2021 was the year,so many connections came clear.

Lucas comes over when I ask him to. Even though he can’t say many words clearly, he knows many, which is clear when I ask him if he wants a banana and gets excited. In addition, he shows that he knows other directions and gets excited when I understand what he asks when he gestures towards something.

When my mom would say goodbye to Lucas on FaceTime, she would blow him kisses for months. At first, I held his arm and made him make the motion in response. This changed to Lucas responding to my mom on his own when she blows him kisses. Just two days ago, when Lucas saw mom on FaceTime, he started blowing kisses to my mom on his own. It was adorable.

Lucas is starting to come up with names for everyone in his family and is working really hard at talking. All of the learning he did around language his whole life is now being expressed more actively through his speech.

A couple of days ago, I started teaching him the baby sign language for “I love you.” With a huge smile on his face, he copied the motions. Like my other two sons, I know it’s only a short time before he signs “I love you” back to me.

I’m so proud of my Lucas-bear. He is wonderful beyond description.

10 Moments Of 2021: Part 1

10. Admiral Rachel Levine

Confirming a pediatrician and Four-Star Admiral for the United States Assistant Secretary for Health should have been straightforward and non-controversial.  That was not the case as the “senator” from Kentucky, Rand Paul, decided to engage in a disgusting line of questioning attacking Admiral Levine because she is transgender.

President Biden nominated Admiral Levine for the United States Assistant Secretary in a powerful statement of inclusion, making her the first transgender American to be nominated for a Senate-confirmed position. More than a “diversity” hire, Admiral Levine was an example of how you can have diversity and excellence in positions.

Paul and the Republicans could have joined President Biden in making America a more equitable and accessible society. Instead, the Republicans continue to make up false crises, “boogeymen” to make their supporters feel insecure and consolidate power. In the past year, their shameless attempts to do so have been sadly effective in riling their base. Once upon a time, it was the idea that Black men would assault white women, and now it’s CRT in schools, COVID-19 vaccines, and transgender rights.

In the face of paul’s attacks, Adrimral Levine did speak with dignity and grace. This is an important reminder that transgender Americans suffer from unjust discrimination and oppression. If a four-star Admiral can face such an attack on live television, imagine what is happening to less powerful transgender individuals.  We must all work deliberately to support transgender rights. 

The Republican party and most of its leadership have no intention to work to make American’s lives better, so it’s up to us.

9. Simone Biles

Simone Biles changed the narrative. She helped us all see what it meant to be tough and what it meant to be a hero. She further revealed exploitation and trauma in the “heroic” past of USA Gymnastics. And she showed us how to take care of others and ourselves.

Biles made me realize that sacrifice for your job was overrated and that our admiration for those who achieve “greatness” at the cost of their own mental and physical health needed to be questioned.

My entire life, I have had women who were described as “petite” as central figures in my life, my mother and my wife. I’ve witnessed how they have been condescended to, insulted, and belittled because of their stature. Watching Simone Biles last summer in the Olympics, it occurred to me that there is something very wrong and disturbing about how we see and treat women who happen to be shorter than others.  

The most important thing that Simone did for me was raise questions. These aren’t questions that had easy answers, but they are essential questions that change how we see our heroes, athletes, and the women in our lives who are a couple inches short than average, who in my experiences are anything but average. 

8. Amanda Gorman

I’ve talked and about almost every single part of my life and my identity except for one until I heard the words of Amanda Gorman.  Amanda Gorman gave me the strength to see the face part of my life and identity. I have rarely talked about but thought about every day of my life: my speech impediment.

I thought I heard signs of it in her voice when I researched her before the inauguration, which was confirmed in many of the interviews and lectures that she gave. Gorman is the first person I have ever seen in my life to talk openly and honestly about the type of speech impediment that I had growing up.

After hearing Gorman talk about her struggles, I didn’t immediately decide to dive into my feelings about my speech. It took a couple of months. Then, when it did feel like the right time, I wrote about my speech impediment in these blog posts and decided to see a speech therapist. 

This was a challenging and emotional process, but it was worth it. I know that I’m a “powerful speaker,” and I have taken more joy in speaking to others as a teacher and a person. I understand my daily challenges with speech better, and I’m getting closer to having pride in my journey with speech.

No, I am not yet proud of how I speak, but I see my speech as a strength and part of my life that has made me the man I’m proud to be today.

Parenthood: Week 454 - Being A Teacher/Parent

Sometimes being a teacher makes me a worse parent. 

 Like all jobs, a stressful and draining day at work leaves less in the tank to be an attentive and patient parent, and I have felt that in the past month. There are days that I come home and want to be alone and do nothing, but this is not an option. Parental responsibilities are one of the non-negotiable essential tasks you have to do when you don’t feel like it, so I just push through.

Teaching has another layer that makes it unique in how it can affect you as a parent. No, education is not parenting. My students at school are not my “kids.” I am not responsible for them. However, there are parts of teaching that are just like parenting. Effective parenting, like effective teaching, requires you to do set a good example as much as you talk. Parenting and teaching are based on the cross-generational relationship that needs to be managed thoughtfully, and there is much overlap in how teachers and parents discipline.

When there are days when teaching is filled with those elements that are more like parenting, spending time with your children can feel more like a second shift than a different job. On days like this, mental and emotional exhaustion is reached, and you just can’t get off the ride.

Days when teaching takes away from my energy and emotional space to parent are frustrating. One reason that I continue to be a teacher is that it’s a job that allows me to impact the world to make the world better for my children. Work takes me away from my children, so it’s important that my time away means something to them.

In the past two years, the toll that teaching has taken on my parenting, I have felt more acutely. In the fall of 2020, going into school to teach in person was scary. This was the time before vaccines, and much of our more effective treatments for COVID-19 were not widely available. I feared for my health and my children’s health. While many things about this fall are better than last fall, there is still a lot of stress and uncertainty that takes a toll on me.

Every day as a teacher, there are reminders that while being a teacher and a parent in 2021 is difficult, being a teacher makes me a better parent. Professional development covers topics like gender identity and bias that apply to parenting and teaching. Working in a profession where the employees are invested in the lives of children means that people get it when I have to miss work because my child is sick, and when I get a text from my wife about my child and need to call her.

People who work at my school love children. That is why they are educators. I never have to look hard to find someone who enjoys seeing a picture of my children or hearing a funny story about something that happened at home. And I am surrounded by experts about children, so I never have to walk far to get advice about my children. 

I don’t love everything about being a teacher, but I love being a teacher. More often than not, being a teacher has helped me be a better parent. I’m proud to tell my children that I’m a teacher. Because even if the most difficult and stressful at work, I’m trying to do right by other people’s children. If I care for other people’s children, and others can care for mine, we’re going to be okay. There is nothing admirable than to dedicate your life to caring for others. I’m proud to do that as a teacher and a parent.

Year 12 - Week 15: What A Week

I don't even know where to start. 

On Monday, I taught my sixth graders about the incredible indigenous rapper and musician Frank Waln.

In addition, I taught my students about the American Indian Boarding Schools in exploring his work. This discussion led to some of my students feeling deeply about this part of our history, and one student started crying when learning about these "schools."

 

I put an assembly on for my 4th and 5th graders instead of performing for their families. Unfortunately, because of COVID-19 restrictions, we couldn't bring parents into this school for this event. I've never done anything like this before, and it was a wonderful, magical event.

Tuesday, I had some difficult moments of teaching that shook my confidence as a teacher. I struggled to try to get work duties done while at the same time spending some time taking care of some essential personal things. Also, on Tuesday, my youngest, Lucas, got the flu. 

Wednesday, I stayed home with Lucas. While it felt rewarding to stay home and take care of my son, things at school kept moving forward. Unfortunately, our COVID-19 testing procedures revealed that a significant number of students testing positive. This led to the cancellation of the classes for the 8th grade for the remainder of the week and the rescheduling of the choir concert that was going to be Thursday night. As schools all across America put on concerts, ours was canceled. Even though this decision was made for the right reasons, it felt like something was taken from us.

Thursday, I spent a lot of time on parent communications. I have to craft these messages carefully, and this takes a lot of time.

Throughout the week, I received emails about students testing positive for COVID-19. This, along with the cancellation of the choir concert and 8th-grade classes, changes the school's mood. Parents were feeling this, and as Thursday went on, many parents pulled their students out of school. Many families decided not to send their children to school.

Some parents sent their children to school but requested that their students not play in band class due to concerns about COVID-19. I let these students have a study hall with another teacher. These students combined with students who didn't go to school resulted in half of my band students not being present in class, which was the day's final period.

Thursday night, disturbing social media trends came to my attention, which warned that school violence. Also, Thursday night, the high school in my community, Evanston Township High School, shut down after two guns were found on campus. 

Friday, I went in for a half-day of school. Many, many students were absent. I had two calls with the student's parents that went well. While these conversations were productive and felt rewarding, the morning was exhausting. I'm not sure what being burned out feels like, but I think I'm close.


I could write a whole post about each day this week, and I may later, but I'm done thinking about school right now.

It's been a week. It's been a month. It's been a year, and it's coming to an end. I'm not sure what 2022 will bring to my life as a teacher. I just hope it doesn't start how my 2021 ended.

Parenthood: Week 453 - Lucas is Two!

Lucas turned two years old last week.

Lucas' life has been very different from Ollie's and Ethan's. Even though he wasn't born during the pandemic, I think of him as a pandemic baby; he was born only a couple of months before it hit. As a result, he has spent most of his life living in his pandemic. His world is filled with people wearing masks, a smaller village, and a lot of time at home.

Ollie and Ethan experienced things by age two that Lucas hasn't. Lucas has missed trips, family gatherings, live theater, group music class, and many other things. What he does have that Ollie and Ethan didn't was more time at home and two wonderful older brothers. Even though this doesn't really make up for what was lost, it's a meaningful benefit to Lucas's life.

Lucas is adorable. This morning, I found him in our bed, sleeping when I left for work. He had somehow managed to settle in the space between his two pillows with his arms up around the sides of his head. Because of the proportions of his body, the top of his hands barely reached the top of his head. It was super cute.

Last week, along with turning two years old, Lucas decided that he would talk more. He's been saying more sounds in the past couple of days, and it's wonderful. There is so much joy when he says something, and he can tell we understand what he is saying. He has a little growl which he learned from Ethan, but he also has a higher voice that is cute and gentle.

Lucas has entered the climb on every stage, so I'm having to pull him off the table more often and off of the top of the couch. His fast toddler walk is pretty close to a run. The best part is that he often provides his sound effects by screaming while he runs or making a motorboat sound with his lips when he moves quickly.

All my sons are special for different reasons. Ollie was first. I learned how to be a dad with him. Everything was new with him, and everything was an adventure. He's my sweet boy who changed my life forever. Ethan was the challenge. From his first diagnosis with hearing loss to the fact that he was challenging to put to bed tonight, he was the one who has required more. He has shown me that I have more to give, and I have so much to learn.

Lucas is my reminder. He reminds me to slow down and read a book with him. He reminds me of what Ollie and Ethan were like as babies, which warms my heart in moments of frustration. He reminds me that the simple things in life bring the most joy. And his smile reminds me that I am enough.

I'm looking forward to Lucas' life being more defined by a time after this pandemic. As he grows every day, I will cherish the milestones and the small moments, nd I can't wait to see the wider world through his eyes.

Happy Birthday, Lucas. Thank you for being my sunshine in the darkest of times.

Year 12 - Week 14: Pandemic Dress Code

"I'm Asian too. I love your shirt." 

 At first, I was startled by this studnet, and then I remembered I was wearing a shirt that had the Sandra Oh quote, "It's an honor just to be Asian," written on it. 

This wouldn't have happened before the pandemic. 

My first teaching job had a dress code for teachers. Men had to khakis or dress pants and a buttoned polo or buttoned-down shirt. (I don't remember what the dress code was for women). But, on Fridays, we could wear jeans! At the time, I didn't mind it too much, except for the ironing. In retrospect, this dress code was silly. It was supposed to be a way to be "professional" and engender respect, but both of these things are more meaningfully earned, and understood through actions more than clothing. Maybe it was a high school thing. 

My second job was in an elementary school, and there was no explicit dress code. I wore jeans and a button-down shirt. I was working with younger students and often would end up helping out in PE or sitting on the floor. Other people dressed about at this level, while others wore t-shirts and jeans to school. 

I kept up this at my current job: jeans and a buttoned-down dress shirt. I like being a little sharp, often wearing a Brooks Brothers shirt. The dress shirt made me stand a little bit taller and helped me feel like I was "at work." 

And then the pandemic hit. I think I wore a dress shirt one with pajama pants for a Zoom class, and I gave up on that. While we were remote for the spring of 2020, I pretty much wore a t-shirt and yoga pants or pajama pants for all of my online teaching. 

 
I remember the day before the first day of school in the fall of 2020 when we were going back for in-person teaching, unclear about mitigations, before there were vaccines, and scared about the school year and saying to myself, "I'm not going to dress up for school until the pandemic is over." Since then, I've worn a t-shirt, jeans, and a zip hoodie to school. 

 
I started noticing that people saw what was on my t-shirts that I was wearing. Most of the shirts had pop-culture references and some funny sayings. I avoid wearing my political shirts at school. But, I realized through my t-shirts I could create a feeling in the classroom like a poster on the wall could. So I upped my t-shirt game.

Students love the "The Patriarchy Isn't Going To Smash Itself" shirt. I have a Ruth Bader Ginsburg shirts I get comments about, and I have a fun shirt with a cartoon of a Sheltie, which reminds me of my dog Buffy when I'm asked about it. This leads to my sharing videos and photos of my dog. 

 
The most wonderful responses I get are around my Asian pride shirts. The Sandra Oh quote shirts get comments, and I have a shirt that simply states, "Asian-American Teacher."  I get compliments from adults and other students about this shirt. The fact that I can display pride in this part of my identity and be embraced for this display in my school community has confirmed this school's values of diversity, equity, and inclusion. And I am very aware that I would get criticized for such bold declarations of racial pride in other schools.

Will I go back to dressing more formally at school after the pandemic is over? I'm not sure, but right now, what I'm wearing to school feels right. I can bring more of my full self to school wearing what I would wear at home around my family. In this time of crisis and continual trauma, being less formal and sharing who I am and what I value through what is on my shirt is what my students need from me and what I need to do to be the best teacher I can be.

Parenthood: Week 452 - Figuring Out How To Be a Dad

My children are not scared of me. 

When they do something they shouldn’t do, I can effectively redirect them, but I don’t sense a level of fear or intimidation from them. When I am trying to express anger at them, it is clear that it is not effective. I’m not surprised, as I have found through my teaching experience that fear is not an effective tool for me.

This all stems from really good things. Many men in my generation are doing the best they can to be a better kind of father. We do more chores around the house, support our partners the best we can, and try to be emotionally available to our children. The problem that I have found in conversations with other men is that knowing how to discipline gets confusing. Traditional models of discipline from previous generations don’t work because the relationships we are trying to create require a level of emotional distance that we are actively trying to work against. 

Sometimes I wish I could use a stern tone, and my children would immediately stop what they are doing and change their behavior. But that doesn’t work. What is usually effective is if I come to their level, get them to slow down physically, and calmly talk things out. The best tool I have to get them to snap out of behavior is to take something away (e.g., a toy). This is the only thing that gives them a shock to the system that gets them to pause. 

 
There is a level of aggression with taking something away or removing a child from a room that I don’t like, but it is sometimes the only thing that works. I’m trying to do this less suddenly. Ideally, I ask them to give me the toy, but I’m only there with my oldest right now. 

The hardest thing about disciplining my children is how the quality of my tools has to do with how much I have left in my tank. I am a teacher, and I spend my whole day with young people. A big part of teaching is discipline. While I rarely have significant issues, I am always maintaining a certain level of work and awareness around children. It’s part of the gig. 

 
After a day of teaching, I come home and I have to do often more disciplining.  It’s hard to do this when you’ve been doing it all day. The other difficult piece is that it feels more personal with my children.
Once upon a time, I took it personally when a student acted out in class.  After almost seventeen years of teaching, I don’t take students’ misbehavior personally most of the time. It’s rarely, if ever, about me. 

Honestly, I think it’s the same with my own children. I don’t think they are doing a lot of things “to me.” This is because so much of what they do is impulsive. While I know they love me, they don’t fully see me as a human being all of the time. They don't understand the impact of their actions and what it means to show love is still developing. I’m learning to take less personally when my children misbehave. Because like with my teaching, more often than not, it’s not about me. 

 
As we seek to figure out what it means to be a man and how to make expressions of masculinity inclusive and constructive, the search for how to be a dad persists. I don’t think the fathers in the past who ruled over their children with fear enjoyed that and felt like what they did was effective. I think fathers who used fear to parents felt lost and struggled. Like many generations past, they just wanted to feel connected with their children. 

 
There is a lot of work to be done, but it is good to work. The problem modern fathers find themselves is an opportunity to make fatherhood better for our children and ourselves. Being a parent-focused on love will be the greatest gift we can give our children so they can build off of our struggles and learn to parent better than parents than us.

Year 12 - Week 13: The Best of Us

Where do we go from here? 

Teachers are resigning, and there are not enough people to fill these positions. Republicans have created another boogie-man in CRT, convincing people to fill school board meetings with lies and threats. Schools continue to struggle to figure out how to mitigate the COVID-19 pandemic with wide variation policies resulting in rampant inequity. In all of this, our children are suffering.

Like many other professions, the pandemic has helped many teachers understand that they don’t have to accept mistreatment. They’ve learned that walking away from a teaching job that asks too much and pays too little is not letting students down. Is it the administration, the school board, and other systems that have created an unsustainable teaching position that is letting the students down. A teacher leaving for their own mental health, and other reasons that reflect self-care is doing the most important thing: not letting themselves down.

We can’t afford to lose great teachers right now. And if quitting a job now and taking a break from teaching means that you can come back to the profession a couple of years from now, please do that. It’s a much better path than getting burned out from teaching and not coming back.

When I was fired from my first teaching job, my belief in my abilities as a teacher was rock bottom. I couldn’t find a full-time teaching position.  One of the reasons that didn’t happen was that I didn’t believe I could be successful doing one and that I deserved one. So I took an assistant job, and I was incredibly fortunate that I had a wonderful supervisor who built me back up. She believed in me more than I believed in myself. Every day and in every way helped me see the great teacher I was and my potential to grow.

I had that person pick me up when I was down, but many teachers do not, so you got to get out before you hit that bottom. The most important person that teachers save right now is themselves.  I should have taken care of my first job and left it after my first year there as opposed to hanging on for a second year.

I don’t know how we will solve all of these problems in education right now. But I do know that we have no hope of building back better in school for our students if the best of us are not there to greet the students in the morning and engage in the essential work of education. And we can’t be there if our budgets are too small, we have too many children in the classroom, and we are burned out.

Teachers, please take care of yourselves. We need you in the game. Don’t let recommendations of “self-care” from your administration be lip-service. Don’t be hard on yourselves because you can’t do the impossible, and don’t give too much of yourselves. Because when all is said and done, when you give a teaching job too much at the detriment of your own mental and physical health, you will only lose.  You will never get back what you give, when you give too much. 

Love teaching, love your students but most importantly, love yourself.