Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 6: The Last Day

She was the first thing on my mind. 

I thought of going to sleep with Buffy one last time the night before, the transition this afternoon, and that she needed to go out.

I got out of bed quickly. It was still early, around 6:40 AM. I went into Ollie and Ethan’s room and found Buffy lying in her bed, awake but relaxed. I carefully picked her up and carried her down the stairs and into the backyard. I put her down in the grass in the bright morning sun. After she did her business, she stood tall. Buffy tilted her nose up smelling the morning air. I walked back into the house, and Buffy slowly followed me. Buffy paused at the step up into our house. I stood for a second, wondering if she needed my help up the step, but she made it into the house with a little hop. I went into the kitchen, got her a clean water bowl, and made her a breakfast of the leftover steak she had eaten the night before.

I picked up Buffy and brought her to her bowls. She turned away from the steak, moved to the water, and had a long drink. She looked at me up and me, and I replied “It’s okay.” 

I picked her up and carried her over to the bed we placed in front of the coat closet. Buffy had been really into resting and napping on our sweatshirts and jackets, so she placed her bed there and laid some jackets on the bed. Diana had placed some roses around her bed. I carefully placed Buffy in her bed, kissed her forehead on the little white spot that started as a star when she was a Buffy but was now a white streak, and gently scratched her behind her ears.

*****

The schedule:

• 8:15 - I drive all three boys to camp. Ollie is at camp from 9-4, and Ethan and Lucas have half-day camp (8:30-11:30/9:30-11:30).
• 9:00-1:00 - Diana is working
• 11:30 - I pick up Ethan and Lucas from camp
• 12:45 - Take Ethan to PM camp (1–4 pm)
• 2:00 - Diana’s mom picks up Lucas to babysit him, and she picks up Ethan and Ollie from camp.
• 3:00 - Lap Of Love Veterinarian appointment at our house.
• 5:30 - Diana’s mom bring all three boys back to our house, and we have dinner together.

*****

Ollie was the first one who had to say goodbye to Buffy. We had been clear to Ollie about Buffy’s situation and what would happen today. When it finally sunk in, Ollie cried, and Diana held him while his feelings became his world. Diana told Ollie how he had taken such good care of Buffy. Without fail, no matter what Ollie was doing, he was the one that heard Buffy bark wanting to go into the backyard. Ollie is a person who gets hyper-focused and often doesn’t respond when we talk to him, but he always responded to Buffy. Diana also told Ollie about how Buffy was a good dog and how lucky we were to have her.

Ollie wasn’t sure how to say goodbye. He went up to Buffy, kneeled, and carefully petted her. He looked up at us. “Tell her she’s a good dog and that you will miss her,” Diana suggested, and Ollie quietly told Buffy these words of affirmation and love. Ollie stood up, unsure how to walk away from his dog, and quietly followed me to the car.

Later that evening, as I said goodnight to Ollie, I told him I was proud of him.

Ollie, how you feel about Buffy will change. One day you will feel sad, and the next, you might not. And your feelings may change from hour to hour; this is okay, and it’s normal. Mommy and Daddy are going through the same thing. The fact that you cried earlier today and are sad is a sign that you are healthy emotionally and have a good heart. Feeling loss deeply is a good thing; it helps us grow and shows that we have love and care in our hearts. You feel love for Buffy, and that’s a great thing, and I’m proud of you for feeling these feelings and being such a great sibling to Buffy. Come here. I love you.

 

*****

After dropping off the boys, I picked up Buffy again and took her to the backyard. She had some accidents
in the past week, and I wanted to ensure that she was comfortable on this last day. She did her business, and I carried her back inside. I carefully placed her back on her bed. Buffy sighed softly and slowly closed her eyes.

*****

 

Buffy lifted her head and observed Ethan and Lucas as they ran into the house. I encouraged them to say hi to Buffy. Ethan said a quick “hi” and ran off. Lucas stood there, waving and carefully annunciated, “Hello, Buffy.”

Over lunch, I explained to Ethan that his grandma would pick him up from camp.

“Why? Buffy is going to die today?”

“Yes.”

“But I wanted to see Buffy get to heaven.”

“Honey, this will be easier for Mommy, Daddy, and Buffy, and you can have fun with Grandma and Lucas.” 

“Okay.”

Ethan gave Buffy a goodbye hug. More physically affectionate than Ollie, Ethan felt at ease hugging her. He had some words to share with her about how he would miss her and how he liked that she slept with him. 

***** 

When Diana’s mom walked in the door, Buffy got up and walked over to the door to greet her. For most people, including myself, at this point, she didn’t get up to greet them, but for her grandma, Buffy got up. It was not a joyful run of a puppy or a trot of a dog full of energy; it was the walk of an elderly dog, slow but determined to show love to her one of the most important people in her life.

Lucas almost completely flopped down onto Buffy when he hugged her. Endlessly patient with Lucas and all of the children, Buffy turned slightly and sniffed him. Lucas said, “Love you, Buffy. Good doggy.” As he left with his grandma, he ran over and gave her one more hug.

After the front door closed, I looked back at Buffy and exhaled slowly. I carried her over to the coach and lay down, cuddling her close as I read a book.

***** 

“Do you want to take Buffy for a walk?”

I got up slowly from the couch and responded to Diana, “Sure.”

Diana carried her to our front yard and Buffy walked slowly across our yard. We took her lead, letting her sniff as much as she wanted. Diana and I reminisced about the first time we took Buffy for a walk. We would carry squeaky toys and treats and lead her down the sidewalk to teach her how to walk on a lead. The sounds of the city scared her, but Buffy grew strong and learned to walk on a leash.

About two houses down, Buffy stopped.”You want to go back home?” Buffy stood, looked around, and looked back to our house. “Sure, girly.” We started walking back slowly. After a couple of steps, Buffy stopped.

When Buffy was a little puppy, sometimes she would tire on our walks and need to be carried home. As Diana carried Buffy into our home, I saw their special love for each other. Their bond is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed, and I knew I would miss that so much.

*****

Diana sat on the couch with Buffy lying on top of her, gazing into each other’s eyes, when we heard the knock on the door.   

The veterinarian came into our house with respect, empathy, and kindness. I immediately felt she saw her time with Buffy and us as a privilege. She was able to sound sympathetic and caring without being saccharine.

She explained the process of what was going to happen in a clinical way that was very clear, which brought me and Diana comfort. She told us what to expect in Buffy’s reactions to the drugs, how long things would take, and the reasons behind her actions. Diana held Buffy close as we both sat on the couch and processed what was about to happen. She asked us if we were ready; Diana and I checked in with each other, and nodded in approval.

Buffy was in Diana’s lap for the first shot. This drug would relax Buffy, make her feel free of any pain and discomfort, and fall asleep. I pet Buffy’s head gently as Diana held her. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to say something to Buffy, but the right words didn’t seem to come, so I just looked into her eyes and felt waves of tears come. The veterinarian checked her reflexes by sticking her finger gently in her ear, and as Buffy flicked her ears, she let us know she was still alert.

Some physical reactions to the drugs were part of the process. Buffy threw up and urinated a little bit, and at times her body shook in reaction to the drugs. The veterinarian had explained that this was normal before the procedure, and we were prepared for this. During this process she cut off some of her fur for us to save and made a paw print in air dry clay.

Buffy wasn’t stressed or experiencing any trauma, but she was fighting the coming sleep. There was a new person in her space, and she wasn’t sure what was happening. After some time, Diana whispered to her, “It’s okay, you can let go,” and slowly Buffy closed her eyes. The veterinarian rechecked her reflexes, and she nodded to us and told us it was time for the next shot. She asked us where we wanted to put Buffy for the second shot. We could lay her down or hold her, and I said I would hold her.

The veterinarian carefully helped transfer Buffy into my lap. Her body was relaxed but not limp, and she settled in my arms. Then she gave the second shot to Buffy to stop her heart. As I held Buffy, her chest against mine, I could feel her breath, and with my hand on her chest, I felt her heartbeat. After some time, I couldn’t feel Buffy’s breath and heart clearly, but I didn’t find this distressing. I was in the moment, being there with my puppy. Diana held Buffy’s front paws in her hands, and for a moment, there were just the three of us.

*****

The veterinarian checked Buffy’s for her heartbeat and said that it was still there but slowing down. She tried again a couple of minutes later. “I can’t tell for sure because all I can hear is your heartbeat, can you lay her down?” 

All of us carefully placed her down on the couch. The veterinarian listened to her closely with her stethoscope and confirmed that her heart had stopped.

The veterinarian left and came back with a basket and blankets. With gentle, tender care, she placed Buffy in the basket, carefully wrapped her up, and left so we could spend a few minutes alone with Buffy.

We said some final words of gratitude and love to Buffy, and kissed her and petted her for the last time. 

The veterinarian returned, and carried the basket with Buffy in it out our front door.  

I stood there watching Buffy going into the veterinarian’s car out our front window, and as her car drove away, I exhaled. 

She was gone.

*****

“Do you want to go for a walk?” I asked Diana.

“Sure."

As we stepped out into the summer afternoon, the birds sounded louder and more joyful. It was as if they were singing in a key that I had never heard them sing before. The sky was a shade of blue I had never seen before, and the breeze felt like an affirmation.

Getting Buffy was not about having a dog; it was about having a dog together. That constant never changed throughout the laughter, the challenges, and the final goodbye.

As we took the first steps with Buffy together, we took the first steps without her together, full of the love she brought into our lives.