Taylor Swift’s newest song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” has a spoken part in the middle when Taylor describes how she feels about this constant breaking up and getting back together: “And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is EXHAUSTING.” This is exactly how I felt after teaching one of my music classes earlier this week.
Look, this blog is not about complaining, so I’m not going to spend the rest of this post explaining about how bad they behaved and how hard it is to be a teacher and all of that teacher-hero stuff. Instead I want to think about what really happened in that class and what was it all about.
One of the challenges that I’ve had this year is that I’ve planned the beginning of this year on how the grade ended, not began. For example, part of me expected my new class to be at the point my class was at the end of the year, not the beginning. The reason this happens is that the incredible growth and change that happens in a school year is so gradually that sometimes you are shocked at the beginning of the next year.
So part of this is me needing to adjust my own expectations from how thing ended last year. Another issue is the class itself.
Yes, every class I’ve taught over the past three years have had similar curriculum, instruction strategies and assessment tools, but every single class I’ve taught has had a unique class dynamics. Sometime finding that groove, the way you need to teach that specific class comes really quickly and sometimes it takes longer, I’m searching with that “exhausting” class.
Now, I’m not alone here. The homeroom teacher and I get along great and we’ve been talking at length about strategies to best help this class succeed. She totally has my back and I have hers. I’m happy to reinforce themes and ideas that strike a chord in her class and she is eager to hear about things that I try in my class.
This kind of professional relationship is one of the things that I love my school. I didn’t have this at previous schools and it really makes me not feel as bad about the issues I’m having, knowing that I’m not alone.
I told this kids that they were exhausting. I told them that I wasn’t sure what I needed to do to help them pull themselves together and I told them that I wanted to help them get to a point where they could have more choices by making better choices about the way they operated in the classroom. That was really honest, because frankly right now, I’m not sure what to do them.
That’s okay though, that feeling of being lost, running out of ideas is not something to fear. When you hit that point that I’m at with these kids, this is when you grow, this is when you become creative and through working with other teachers not only find solutions but also build relationships.
Yes, I’m exhausted, but I haven’t given up and as Scarlett said “After all... tomorrow is another day.”
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Visions Of Quanyin
Quanyin is the most worshipped female religious figure in the world. She is a Bodhisattva, a human who has reached enlightenment. Quanyin is a symbol of compassion and her image is found throughout Asian culture. On my travels to Taiwan, I took these pictures of her ever-present image and comforting presence.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Taiwan Travelogue: Day 1 - It Can't Rain All Of The Time.
There was silence as my mom, dad, brother, Diana and I walked into late grandmothers condo in Taipei. We greeted our aunts, uncles and cousins quietly and then stood there. One of my aunts, broke the silences "come on, talk to each other." With that the room relaxed, smiles came to people's faces and we began to talk.
After a settling in we did a prayer ceremony and presented a meal of my grandmothers favorite foods in front of a picture if her. We stayed in the condo for a little longer to let her spirit enjoy the food.
Then we went to the hospital where my grandmothers body was being kept and did another prayer ceremony. Again, there was a muted energy. It was like we all wanted to laugh and enjoy each others company but we felt a need to hold together a feeling of reference. While the prayers were serious before and after different people reconnected, shared stories and laughed.
Afterwards lunch at one of our families favorite restaurants the smiles came were no longer held back and the laughter was let loose. It was liked we all stopped trying so hard to act "proper" and revel in the joy of sharing an incredible meal with each other and being together for the first time in over a decade.
After lunch, my mom finally seemed to exhale. She had been in Taipei for almost a week before Diana and I had arrived. In the grief of her mom passing hadn't really eaten well. I don't if it was the food or the family that caused to her to finally eat but that lunch was the first real meal she had in Taiwan.
After lunch, we split up and my immediate family hit the hotel bar and then the mall. Diana has small feet which makes shoe shopping in America difficult, but in Taiwan she has more average sized feet so instead of there being a couples of shoes that fit in a store like in America, everything in the store fit Diana.
We got back together as a family for a magnificent traditional Chinese dinner all twenty-one of us sat around a huge table experiencing a meal, full of toasts, amazing food and lots of laughter.
What are you suppose to do when you grieve? How do you act around your loved ones? I'm not sure any of us knew. We were all trying to do the right thing. In the middle of dinner it all started make sense. Grieving for the death of grandmother was about living in the moment, being present and enjoying life.
Today was a reminder of why we grieve. There is no joy, no comfort that is like spending time with family. When someone in a family leaves, we need to be serious and respectful, but we also need to live life to honor the joy that person continues to bring to our lives.
After a settling in we did a prayer ceremony and presented a meal of my grandmothers favorite foods in front of a picture if her. We stayed in the condo for a little longer to let her spirit enjoy the food.
Then we went to the hospital where my grandmothers body was being kept and did another prayer ceremony. Again, there was a muted energy. It was like we all wanted to laugh and enjoy each others company but we felt a need to hold together a feeling of reference. While the prayers were serious before and after different people reconnected, shared stories and laughed.
Afterwards lunch at one of our families favorite restaurants the smiles came were no longer held back and the laughter was let loose. It was liked we all stopped trying so hard to act "proper" and revel in the joy of sharing an incredible meal with each other and being together for the first time in over a decade.
After lunch, my mom finally seemed to exhale. She had been in Taipei for almost a week before Diana and I had arrived. In the grief of her mom passing hadn't really eaten well. I don't if it was the food or the family that caused to her to finally eat but that lunch was the first real meal she had in Taiwan.
After lunch, we split up and my immediate family hit the hotel bar and then the mall. Diana has small feet which makes shoe shopping in America difficult, but in Taiwan she has more average sized feet so instead of there being a couples of shoes that fit in a store like in America, everything in the store fit Diana.
We got back together as a family for a magnificent traditional Chinese dinner all twenty-one of us sat around a huge table experiencing a meal, full of toasts, amazing food and lots of laughter.
What are you suppose to do when you grieve? How do you act around your loved ones? I'm not sure any of us knew. We were all trying to do the right thing. In the middle of dinner it all started make sense. Grieving for the death of grandmother was about living in the moment, being present and enjoying life.
Today was a reminder of why we grieve. There is no joy, no comfort that is like spending time with family. When someone in a family leaves, we need to be serious and respectful, but we also need to live life to honor the joy that person continues to bring to our lives.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Year 3: Week 3 – Since I've Been Gone
During my eight-day trip to Taiwan, I missed six school days: Wednesday to Wednesday.
I came back to school Thursday still jet-lagged but excited to be back. Simply walking into the school building gave me energy to make it through the day.
The kids didn’t seem to miss me or really care all that much about the fact that I was away. When I was a kid, I don’t remember really thinking much about a teacher when he or she was gone, I was just excited that we would have a substitute and probably get to watch a movie. Honestly, I would prefer it that way. This means that student see the teacher as just that, a teacher and not a friend or buddy.
What I didn’t expect was how much I missed my fellow teachers and how great it would be to see them.
We are apart all summer, and we miss each other then but this was different. A school is more about the people than the building and when someone is gone during the year, the feeling of the school changes.
Being away when the year is going on for as long as I was is tough because you feel like you have a role and these people during this time are part of your life. You expect this, you rely on this and when this changes unexpectedly, it can be tough.
One thing that is comforting is that when I was away everything kept going without me. Yes, we are all important as teachers but we are all replaceable and while that’s sometimes a scary thought, it’s an important thing to keep in mind.
My school survived many years without me and it is going to go on many years after I leave. That’s a uplifting thought. It means that the things that I care about, the values, and the work I put in this school isn’t just for myself and for my current students, but it’s there for the generations.
When I realized that I would have to be away from my school after my grandmother died, I was worried about how things would go at school without me, but everything was fine. It’s a reassuring thought knowing that if anything ever happened again that would make me be away from school, that I have don’t worry about it the way I did last week.
I feel like I’m starting the year all over again with my students. In the first week, I was barely able to establish classroom procedures but it’s okay. We’ll catch up and if we don’t, well it’s not the end of the world. It just means there’s one less song that we’ll get to.
One less song vs. feeling spiritually enriched from an important life experience, which made me a better person for myself and my students.
Yeah, I think it's worth it.
The kids didn’t seem to miss me or really care all that much about the fact that I was away. When I was a kid, I don’t remember really thinking much about a teacher when he or she was gone, I was just excited that we would have a substitute and probably get to watch a movie. Honestly, I would prefer it that way. This means that student see the teacher as just that, a teacher and not a friend or buddy.
What I didn’t expect was how much I missed my fellow teachers and how great it would be to see them.
We are apart all summer, and we miss each other then but this was different. A school is more about the people than the building and when someone is gone during the year, the feeling of the school changes.
Being away when the year is going on for as long as I was is tough because you feel like you have a role and these people during this time are part of your life. You expect this, you rely on this and when this changes unexpectedly, it can be tough.
One thing that is comforting is that when I was away everything kept going without me. Yes, we are all important as teachers but we are all replaceable and while that’s sometimes a scary thought, it’s an important thing to keep in mind.
My school survived many years without me and it is going to go on many years after I leave. That’s a uplifting thought. It means that the things that I care about, the values, and the work I put in this school isn’t just for myself and for my current students, but it’s there for the generations.
When I realized that I would have to be away from my school after my grandmother died, I was worried about how things would go at school without me, but everything was fine. It’s a reassuring thought knowing that if anything ever happened again that would make me be away from school, that I have don’t worry about it the way I did last week.
I feel like I’m starting the year all over again with my students. In the first week, I was barely able to establish classroom procedures but it’s okay. We’ll catch up and if we don’t, well it’s not the end of the world. It just means there’s one less song that we’ll get to.
One less song vs. feeling spiritually enriched from an important life experience, which made me a better person for myself and my students.
Yeah, I think it's worth it.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Taiwan Travelogue: Dreams Of Sushi
Last weekend my family went to my late grandmother's favorite sushi restaurant. This was one of the greatest meals I've ever had in my life. The sushi chefs prepared one piece at time with incredible artistry.
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Sunday, September 16, 2012
Taiwan Travelogue: On The Plane To Taiwan
To honor the life and the passing of my grandmother, my wife, Diana and I journeyed to my parents homeland of Taipei, Taiwan. This post is the first part of the journey I wrote on the plane.
9/12
"Diana, my grandmother died."
As those words left my mouth, I felt a sudden intense pain. It felt like something crushed my heart filling me with an overwhelming feeling sadness. As I collapsed onto my bed feeling tears blind my vision, Diana's arms surrounded me in strength and love holding me together as I felt myself falling apart.
Then it was over and the reality that my life was forever changed began to sink in.
When I heard the news about my other grandparents dying it didn't hit my this hard. There was more of a dull pain that lasted for a longer period of time. I don't know why this was different with my maternal grandmother. Maybe it was because she was my last grandparent or maybe it was because no one expected her to pass away.
I'm writing this sitting on a plane on the way to Taiwan. My grandmother passed away last Tuesday, eight days ago. The funeral is this Saturday (9/15). Thankfully the funeral was arranged for a week after her death so that we had time to to get prepared for this trip.
There are so many different things that go through your mind when a grandparent dies. You have your own grief to work through but even more challenging is your parents grief. When you are kid, your parents are superheroes and you think they can handle anything. That illusion disappears in the teen years. Even though you know your parents are human beings with flaws and imperfections, part of you holds on to the idea that they are invincible, and moments like this remind you of their humanity.
My parents never stopped being someone's children. Even after my brother and I were born. This isn't something I thought -bout growing up, but it's true. We all hold different roles to people in our lives. We are friends, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, and cousins. But now my mom has no one in this world knows her as a daughter, and now there is no one alive who calls me their grandchild.
Yes, I'm loosing this part of identity, the part of me that is a grandchild, but last Spring, my beautiful niece entered this world who looks at me in a way no one else in the world does: as an uncle.
No, this doesn't even things out and it doesn't bring comfort but it feels like somehow, this is what life is all about.
I believe that endings are what makes things meaningful. That doesn't mean I don't dread them and that doesn't mean I don't fear death. Death is the one inevitable in our lives. It's an experience that we all share. It touches all of our lives. However, the universality of death doesn't make it any easier to cope with and understand.
There's so much in this world that I don't understand. And I try to make sense of everything that happens because it feels like if I don't try, it will all slip away. This isn't a rational fear, it just how I deal with life. Trying to find meaning doesn't always lead to answers but the struggle always helps us know ourselves.
Right now as this plane flys over the pacific, my mom is waiting for me in a hotel in Taipei. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her when I see her. But I know there will be a hug, probably a couple tears, and the feeling of home and family being in the presences of my mother as her son.
9/12
"Diana, my grandmother died."
As those words left my mouth, I felt a sudden intense pain. It felt like something crushed my heart filling me with an overwhelming feeling sadness. As I collapsed onto my bed feeling tears blind my vision, Diana's arms surrounded me in strength and love holding me together as I felt myself falling apart.
Then it was over and the reality that my life was forever changed began to sink in.
When I heard the news about my other grandparents dying it didn't hit my this hard. There was more of a dull pain that lasted for a longer period of time. I don't know why this was different with my maternal grandmother. Maybe it was because she was my last grandparent or maybe it was because no one expected her to pass away.
I'm writing this sitting on a plane on the way to Taiwan. My grandmother passed away last Tuesday, eight days ago. The funeral is this Saturday (9/15). Thankfully the funeral was arranged for a week after her death so that we had time to to get prepared for this trip.
There are so many different things that go through your mind when a grandparent dies. You have your own grief to work through but even more challenging is your parents grief. When you are kid, your parents are superheroes and you think they can handle anything. That illusion disappears in the teen years. Even though you know your parents are human beings with flaws and imperfections, part of you holds on to the idea that they are invincible, and moments like this remind you of their humanity.
My parents never stopped being someone's children. Even after my brother and I were born. This isn't something I thought -bout growing up, but it's true. We all hold different roles to people in our lives. We are friends, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, and cousins. But now my mom has no one in this world knows her as a daughter, and now there is no one alive who calls me their grandchild.
Yes, I'm loosing this part of identity, the part of me that is a grandchild, but last Spring, my beautiful niece entered this world who looks at me in a way no one else in the world does: as an uncle.
No, this doesn't even things out and it doesn't bring comfort but it feels like somehow, this is what life is all about.
I believe that endings are what makes things meaningful. That doesn't mean I don't dread them and that doesn't mean I don't fear death. Death is the one inevitable in our lives. It's an experience that we all share. It touches all of our lives. However, the universality of death doesn't make it any easier to cope with and understand.
There's so much in this world that I don't understand. And I try to make sense of everything that happens because it feels like if I don't try, it will all slip away. This isn't a rational fear, it just how I deal with life. Trying to find meaning doesn't always lead to answers but the struggle always helps us know ourselves.
Right now as this plane flys over the pacific, my mom is waiting for me in a hotel in Taipei. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her when I see her. But I know there will be a hug, probably a couple tears, and the feeling of home and family being in the presences of my mother as her son.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Year 3: Week 2 - Leaving It All Behind
I hate being away from my kids.
I rarely take personal days and only if I'm bedridden or if the nurse forces me to go home will I take a sick days. However, sometimes life happens.
Last week my grandmother passed away and after the initial wave of grief passed my mind went to the fact that I would have to go to Taiwan and take a week off of school.
One of hardest things about death is that it never happens at a convenient time and this was definitely true this time around. I started the school year last week. I barely got to know my new students and I'm smack in the middle of our band/choir selection process. But that didn't outweigh the needs of me family and my own personal needs.
So I had to get ready to go.
My principals and my human resource person were amazing. They were accommodating, supportive and very helpful. I folding together bereavement leave and my personal days to give me the time off that I needed. Now I just needed to figure out what to tell my substitute to do.
One of the main reasons I hate leaving my kids is that it takes more work for me to plan for a substitute then to plan for myself. Some substitutes are competent and can follow a plan and some are barely capable of putting a DVD in and pressing play. When you are teaching music, this issue gets even worse.
Once in a while I have a sub that I know can actually teach music, so I can leave music and stuff. Even though the substitute I got has music teaching experience the timing of the year meant that the students barely learned how to operate in the classroom. So I left some DVDs for the kids to watch and told the sub to do some music activities that she knew and felt comfortable teaching.
Is it a cop-out to just let kids watch movies? Kind of, but I swear that the DVDs that I chose were educational. And chances are, some of the kids will pay better attention to the DVD then they ever would with me. One of these days I'm going to just video tape myself teaching a lesson to the kids and play that and see if the kids pay better attentions to me if I'm on a screen. (Can you tell I'm writing this when I'm on a plane?)
I feel like I have so little time with my kids sometimes. I'm constantly trying to figure out more times to hang out with them like during lunch time, before school or even during math class. Even if they are watching movies, I want to watch movies with them so we can talk about them.
One of administrators in my first teaching job told me that you can't take care of your students if you don't take care of yourself. I truly do believe this and as hard as it is sometimes to be away, if you truly want to do what's best for your kids, do what's best for yourself. Even if that means going to Taiwan during one the busiest times of the school year.
I rarely take personal days and only if I'm bedridden or if the nurse forces me to go home will I take a sick days. However, sometimes life happens.
Last week my grandmother passed away and after the initial wave of grief passed my mind went to the fact that I would have to go to Taiwan and take a week off of school.
One of hardest things about death is that it never happens at a convenient time and this was definitely true this time around. I started the school year last week. I barely got to know my new students and I'm smack in the middle of our band/choir selection process. But that didn't outweigh the needs of me family and my own personal needs.
So I had to get ready to go.
My principals and my human resource person were amazing. They were accommodating, supportive and very helpful. I folding together bereavement leave and my personal days to give me the time off that I needed. Now I just needed to figure out what to tell my substitute to do.
One of the main reasons I hate leaving my kids is that it takes more work for me to plan for a substitute then to plan for myself. Some substitutes are competent and can follow a plan and some are barely capable of putting a DVD in and pressing play. When you are teaching music, this issue gets even worse.
Once in a while I have a sub that I know can actually teach music, so I can leave music and stuff. Even though the substitute I got has music teaching experience the timing of the year meant that the students barely learned how to operate in the classroom. So I left some DVDs for the kids to watch and told the sub to do some music activities that she knew and felt comfortable teaching.
Is it a cop-out to just let kids watch movies? Kind of, but I swear that the DVDs that I chose were educational. And chances are, some of the kids will pay better attention to the DVD then they ever would with me. One of these days I'm going to just video tape myself teaching a lesson to the kids and play that and see if the kids pay better attentions to me if I'm on a screen. (Can you tell I'm writing this when I'm on a plane?)
I feel like I have so little time with my kids sometimes. I'm constantly trying to figure out more times to hang out with them like during lunch time, before school or even during math class. Even if they are watching movies, I want to watch movies with them so we can talk about them.
One of administrators in my first teaching job told me that you can't take care of your students if you don't take care of yourself. I truly do believe this and as hard as it is sometimes to be away, if you truly want to do what's best for your kids, do what's best for yourself. Even if that means going to Taiwan during one the busiest times of the school year.
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