Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The First Trimester

The heartbeat.

It barely sounded like anything through the muffled distortion, but the steady heartbeat brought tears to my eyes.  It felt like the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my entire life. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t believed Diana when she told me that she was pregnant, but in some way, it didn’t seem real until I saw our baby on the ultrasound screen and heard its heartbeat.

We were in a hotel room in Taipei, getting ready to leave for my grandmother’s funeral when we found out about our baby. We had already be in Taiwan for a day and a half. While we had adjusted to the time change, we were still getting up really early in the morning.

When Diana told me, I held her close to me and I told her that I loved her. We held each other for a time. I didn’t know what to say. I was just so happy and excited to share this adventure with Diana and enter a new stage in our lives.

It felt exciting and a little mischievous keeping the pregnancy from our friends and families. It was difficult because there’s very little in my life that I don’t share.

We got baby books and started scouring the Internet for information about pregnancy. Handling the deluge of information was a challenge so we focused on just examining the information that was most prudent. While some of it was intimidating, most of it was comforting. Every time I felt like I had no idea what to do, I reminded myself that there have been people for thousands of years who have handled pregnancies. So we would be fine. . . I hoped.

Having a baby was always part of our life plan together. The developing of children into adults fascinates us and we both love kids. The time for us to have our own kid perpetually felt like a “couple years” later. One of the pieces of advice that Diana and I were given when we got married was to spend some time as a married couple before we had kids and we did just that.

Similar to the question of “when do you know that it’s the right time to get married,” knowing when it’s the right time to have kids is difficult. There’s so many things to consider before having children. Job, career, family, friends, finances and where you are living are all important things to consider.

Here’s the thing. All of that stuff goes in waves and while you can be in better or worse financial situations, you will never be in the perfect one.  As much as the pragmatic part of my brain wanted to have all of those things set up before having a kid, that simply wasn’t realistic.

While I worry about being prepared for the baby, I don’t worry about how Diana and I will be as parents. Correction: I don’t worry how Diana will be as a mother (how I feel about myself as a father is a different issue) and I have complete faith in us as a team.  Yes, we have growing to do as a couple but we've come a long way together in our relationship.

One trimester is done.  Two more to go.  I have more questions in my mind than answers.  I know now what it means to feel both excited and afraid all at the same time.  And I can't wait to share see the look on our family's faces when we tell them the good news. 

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