Year 9: Week 13 – Insecurity

The teachers I have looked up to and find the most inspiration from have all shared a level of humility when talking about their craft. There’s generally an expression of “I still don’t know what I’m doing,” and “the longer I teach, the more I realize I how much I have to learn about being a teacher,” that all of these educators share.

There are moments when I feel this more than other times. And there are times, when this feeling is comforting and others when its more discombobulating. I enjoy and revel in students asking questions that I’m not sure how to answer. However, there are other times when the excitement of trying to figure a way to help a student learn turns into frustration.

I find myself asking more people these past couple weeks for their advice and perspective on things that I’m doing in the classroom. It’s not that I feel that I lack confidence, but it’s just that…well…ok, this is getting a little raw, but let’s go there.

One of my teacher friends at school, who is very perceptive, very real, noted in a supportive way that I come to her seeking approval and praise for things that I do, and it’s true. In many ways I don’t feel like I’ve evolved past that little boy getting on stage during piano recitals trying to do something to get approval, to get applause. I had issues connecting with people my age as peers and friends, so I tried through individual time practicing to do something that could make me connect. I chased this as a musical composition major in college, and I’m still doing this as a teacher.

It's weird. It’s not that I feel unsupportive, or that I lack confidence, but sometimes I’m just not sure what I’m doing. I move through the day rounding up being pretty sure, to be being 100% confident, and well, what seems like a façade, feels more like the reality of how we have to work as teachers. We do what we can to get as close to possible to presenting as 100% confidence, but you never get there all the way. In this way, the process of being a teacher mirrors the process of being a human, a human being, existing not in a space of what is sure, but rather taking chances, growing through the insecurity, trying to find our way through the darkness.

That’s why we need so badly as teachers a space that we can be “raggedy,” a place that we can be real and genuine about our insecurity and be ourselves. We couldn’t make it any other way. I don’t know if I’m more insecure than other people. Maybe being raised the child of immigrants, never feeling like I fit in growing up has led me to an adult self that never feels settled, never feels fully secure. Maybe everyone feels this way and most are too afraid to admit these feelings of insecurity that reveal vulnerability more than strength.

Or maybe it’s like “love.” That it’s more about how much support I take being equal to how much I make.

If that’s the case, I’ve got a lot that I need to make.