Parenthood: Week 296 - Two dads?

Before Ollie was born, I told myself that I would nurture his natural childhood curiosity and foster his communication skills by always finding time to answer his questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. This was clearly the thinking of someone who has never lived with a five-year old.

The questions are non-stop. Part of the issues is that Ollie doesn’t have a fully developed internal dialog so he will think out loud. This combined with the fact that he doesn’t know the difference between declarative and interrogative statements leads to many statements framed as questions that aren’t actually meant to be questions. For example, he might say “why is Batman’s cape black?” when he is simply making an observation about the color of Batman’s costume.

Then there’s questions I can't answer clearly. The reality, I don’t always time to answer his questions thoughtfully, and many of his questions don’t have meaningful answer. There’s not always a reason that someone does something, and many stories don’t have explanations for plot devices or events besides “magic.” This is frustrating for Ollie to understand, but I don’t hide the fact that I don’t always have the answers, because I don’t feel a need to be an all-knowing dad.  Sometimes there are things in life that we simply don’t know, and that’s okay.

Ollie's timing isn’t great. He’ll ask me a question while I’m trying to cook dinner or in the bathroom, so I will not answer his questions. Part of learning how to talk is also learning when it’s okay to ask question. There’s definitely work to be done in this arena. And I don’t like telling him that I don’t have time to answer his question, but it’s life. While I want Ollie to know that I will always have time for him, it may not be during the moment he wants it. That can be frustrated for him to deal with, and frustrating for me as the pressures of life pulls me away from my son.

Then there’s the questions that matter. I’m not talking about the color of lightsabers, or the how a Transformer talks. It’s like earlier tonight when Ollie, after brushing his teeth, asked me “how do two dads have a baby?” I explained to him that there are different ways that people can have babies, sometimes friends help, and I introduced the word and concept of adoption to him. Then he asked “how do two moms have a baby?” I answered it in a similar way that I did the previous questions and I also told him that sometimes a mom or a dad, have a baby by themselves.

Then Ollie asked, “if two moms have a baby, don’t they need the dad to get the baby’s name? Doesn’t the dad need to help with the baby?” I’m carefully explained that no, you don’t need a dad for the baby’s name and no, the dad doesn’t always help, sometimes two moms don’t need a dad to help. Ollie seemed satisfied with the answer and we continued our bedtime routine.

Ollie asks a lot of questions. There are times when it gets annoying. And no, I don’t always find the time to answer his questions fully and thoughtfully. But for the questions that matter, I’m always going to try my best. That I can promise to Ollie.