Parenthood: Week 393 - A Decent Man

Every single day I see it: male-identified people oppressing others, being unkind, and acting selfishly.

It’s frustrating and depressing how much trauma and pain these “men” cause through thoughtless action as a habit, and sometimes through actions that are deliberate and insidious. The patriarchy is real, it is strong, and it is pervasive.

Changing what it means to be a man and fighting the oppression by men in society is work that is  done by women, but men are in a place to make these changes happen in ways that women cannot. Making men better is a heavy responsibility as a guy myself who wants to make things better and is a responsibility as a father of three sons that I take very seriously.

There are times that I have a clear idea of how to respond to things. Ollie asked us recently if a woman was the opposite of a man. Both Diana and I quickly responded that these were not opposite terms. Creating a false dichotomy between men and women is a foundation in sexism. Without a clear division between men and women, men cannot effectively oppress women. Hence, the connection between conservative patriarchal leaders and their desire to oppress Gay men.

Other times I act deliberately to create an environment that helps our sons develop their masculinity less traditionally. The clothing we chose for them is not focused on sports and feature a wide range of colors. When Ethan and Ollie were getting into superheroes, I showed him the show DC Super Hero Girls so that he would have a broader view of the genre beyond the male superheroes.

Diana is currently reading Little House In The Big Woods for a bedtime story, and in the past, I’ve read other books that have female protagonist. It’s been nice that so many Disney films have featured strong female characters like Moana, and Frozen 2, which we took our sons to watch in the theater.

The saying is that “children do as we do, and not as we say.” Therein lies the most important thing we can do as men to help our boys grow up to be good decent men. It’s the small things, saying “thank you” and “please” to Diana, trying my best not to interrupt her or take over the conversation at dinner, and showing with my words and actions the value of being respectful and kind to women.

I can’t change our patriarchal and sexist society right now. But I can make our home a place where we can have honest conversations about identity, celebrate what is great and wonderful about being a boy, and grow together as a family. 

Soon, those horrible guys will creep back to their basements, back to their seedy bars, and back to their racist country clubs.  Decent good men are coming forward to remind guys in America of who we can become and how we can be better.  It's happening and will become a blue wave...if you want it.  

Joe Biden is ready, and so am I.

Vote.