Year 11 – Week 14: Who I Am?

This week is usually one of the most stressful of the year. It's typically the week before the JK-5 winter performance and the choir concert. Even though I've done these performances for years, each time this week has come around, it's been filed seemingly endless amounts of work, anxiety, and stress. More than all of that, it's a week full of possibility, excitement, and hope.  

This year, this week has felt, like, well, just another week. We have no performances next week. We are putting together a video that features student work that will be shared, but the bulk of that work was done weeks ago. There is a feeling that winter break is coming but not a rush of excitement that comes from events, but rather a sense of finality that comes with time.  

I've been prepping for a performance week for every year for the past 12 years, except for last year when I was on leave for the birth of my third son Lucas. Like last year, in a way, it's nice to not have the stress of these performances during this time of year. This time of year is usually so difficult because my role as a teacher gets more time consuming while there, I need to spend time preparing for holiday events.  

Now, I don't have that extra stress and extra work, and it has allowed me to enjoy the holiday season more with my family. This is a nice change, but that doesn't mean that I want it to be like this next year.  

So many music teachers are trying to figure out how to feel about their work without public performances to prepare for. The absence of these events, and this pressure, allow for a significant opportunity to reflect on what is most important, most meaningful about our jobs as teachers and our lives as individuals.  

What if this was teaching for me moving forward? Would I still love teaching if there no more performance? Would I find the work of being a music education exciting and satisfying without the ebb and flow of stress of performance preparation anxiety?  

You know, I have left behind things in my life that were more exciting in some ways. I used to be a performer. I've sung choral masterpieces with a full orchestra in front of a packed audience. I used to be a conductor. I led a university basketball band, screaming out directions over thousands of fans, molding sound with my arms, hands, and my force of will. I used to be a composer, and collaborate with musicians, and put on concerts. I don't do any of these things anymore, and right now in my life, I don't miss them...most of the time.  

I miss putting students on stage and helping them perform, but it's not the most important thing to me as a teacher or a person. At some point, I'll move on from this work and find another way to challenge myself. Right now, I have more thinking to do because this school year has forced me to ask the ever-evolving question, "who am I?" In this quiet moment, with my life as a teacher so different than it has been in years past, it is clear that I am less sure of my answer to that question than I want to admit to myself.