4. In Buffy’s Eyes
There were times in my life when I took Buffy for granted.
I’m ashamed to say that there were times when caring for Buffy felt like a chore than an expression of love. I was able to get away with this because Buffy doesn’t ask for much. Instead, she is content with some time to explore the world and our presence. Because of this, when I was too self-involved to notice, I wasn’t present for Buffy.
Buffy had some tough moments this past year. The kibble that we had been feeding her for years wasn’t working anymore. She had bouts of stomach issues, sometimes needing to go out in the middle of the night four or five times. We would take her off the kibble, and then I would cook her chicken and rice. She would get better, and then we would switch back to kibble, and then she would get worse again. Finally, it got to the point that she was starting to have stomach issues with chicken and rice. Buffy had less energy, and there was a little less bounce in her walk.
One of our best friends suggested we try a dog food service that cooks human-grade meals for dogs, freeze it, and then ship a month’s worth of food in a box with dry ice. We settled on The Farmer’s Dog, and Buffy is doing great! She has gained weight back, her coat looks wonderful, and she has more energy. Buffy is excited to eat and complains to us if we don’t feed her on time. This is a change for a dog who hasn’t been food motivated in the past.
This food is expensive, but Buffy is worth it. She is one of my children, my first, and she doesn’t ask for much. Giving her quality food that makes he feel better and brings her joy is the least I could do. The expense is not unreasonable as I have come to accept where Buffy is in her life.
Everything in life is finite, and when we forget this, we take it for granted. Accepting these realities is hard, but it motivates us to get more meaning from our lives. The truth is that Buffy is closer to moving on than coming into our lives. The distant future with Buffy is no longer unimaginable.
In the past couple of months, I’ve made an effort to say goodnight to Buffy every night. Sometimes I tell her that she’s a good dog. Other times I thank her for her help with the boys. And I always make sure to tell her that I love her, nuzzle up in her mane, kiss her on the forehead and say goodnight. Some nights I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling uneasy like I have forgotten something. And then I get up and kiss Buffy again. Then I immediately fell calm, knowing that I didn’t forget my puppy and grateful that she is near.
3. Home At Last
After almost a year and a half, we traveled to the Seattle area and visited my parents, my brother, and his family in August. Since I moved to the Chicagoland area in 2000, I had typically seen my family three or four times a year. This was important in my life, and when I had children, the time with my family felt ever more precious. All of this changed when the pandemic started.
Being with my family after so much time way felt wonderfully “normal.” Even though it had almost been a year and a half that we had been physically apart, we talked like we always did. We stayed at my parents’ new condo, which was a fun adventure. This place was smaller than their old house, but it had many amenities like a pool that we enjoyed. Also, they now live in a downtown area, so there were a lot of places to go within walking distance.
We were there for the most extreme heatwave that area had experienced in decades, but we figured it out and still managed to enjoy our time.
This was a truly wonderful trip. My parents followed this up with their first trip to visit us during Thanksgiving in twenty years, which was also a great experience. We agreed that the next time we would get together is in February, so we planned on that.
We missed so much being apart, but I don’t dwell on that. Instead, I feel grateful for the time we had together and the times we will spend together in the future. This pandemic has been tough, but it has also been a confirmation of the strength of my family. The pandemic kept us apart physically, but it didn't make our love wane. This was confirmed with Lucas. He saw my parents when he was a baby and then over Zoom. How would he react to them? Well, he knew my parents and their love almost immediately. He smiled at them and was comfortable with them, cuddling with them and enjoying their company.
I miss my family when we are apart, and that’s hard. However, I also love that I have people that make me feel the twinge in my heart when we are part and fill me up so completely when we are together.
2. Self-Care Becoming A Reality
I’m great at preaching about self-care. I’ve read articles about self-care and listened to lectures about self-care in numerous conferences, but I’m horrible at actually doing self-care.
I kept exercising regularly through the pandemic, but that was about it with self-care. I didn’t drink enough water, eat all that well, drank too much alcohol, spent too much time on my phone, and didn’t sleep enough. I knew that this was affecting me, I was gaining weight, but I felt like I didn’t have the time to change. Then it hit me when I saw some photographs of myself in September. I wasn’t feeling great, and it showed.
So I went for it and started with Noom, a health app I had heard advertised on one of my favorite podcasts. Noom is a meal tracker, health tracker (weight, steps, and water), community space, and self-help book all-in-one. Is this a diet? Kind of, it does categorize food and push you into a type of diet. However, there is a lot of choice and leeway. Each day, you track your food, weight, water, steps, and exercise. In addition, you are supposed to do ten minutes of reading on your Noom app about various topics, including hormones, sleep, mindfulness, and nutrition.
In the last four months, I have made a lot of changes with the encouragement of Noom. I sleep more, and I’ve started reading books before going to bed, which I love. In addition, I cut myself off my phone an hour before I go to bed, I eat a lot better than I’ve lost weight, and I’ve even played around with meditation a little bit.
There’s a lot I need to work out. First, I need to accept that at 39-years old, I will never look like a fitness model, and I need to be okay with that. At the same time, I can strive to be healthier. Second, I need to learn to balance out my healthy eating choices with allowing myself to enjoy indulgent food, and third I need to know to celebrate health goals not passed simply on my weight.
I sometimes feel like I’m spending too much time thinking about my health, and maybe I am. However, taking better care of myself feels like a hobby that I’m enjoying right now. I know Noom has its flaws and it may not end up being the right thing for me, but I have kept this up for four months. Right now this feels like this approach to self-care and an important part of my life journey.
I want to feel proud of my body, but more than that, I want to feel proud of myself. Maybe this is what self-care is all about.
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