When I first saw Ollie, I immediately felt complete and unconditional love for him. It really did feel like my heart got bigger in an instant. This happened again with Ethan and with Lucas. Each time it was an overwhelming feeling. My breath left me, time slowed down, and everything felt right in those moments.
I felt so deeply about my children over time and I felt more for other people's children. The suffering of children affected me deeper. I had to work to ignore the cries of pain from children. And I felt burdened at times by empathy.
In 2015, The photo of Alan Kurdi, a two-year-old lying face down on the beach, who died from drowning and became the symbol of the refugee crisis caused by the Syrian war and the European refugee crisis it triggered, emotionally wrecked me.
Alan was two-years-old when he died, the same age as Ollie, my first son at that time. This photo reminded me of the worst nightmares in my entire life I had a couple of months before I saw this photo. I remember holding Ollie and feeling his weight, knowing what it was like for Alan's parents to hold him in the past, and not being able to imagine what it would mean to lose him.
As hard and painful as moments like seeing that photo of Alan Kurdi are, they make me feel a more profound connection to humanity. When I read about the horrible anti-trans laws in Texas, I get on an intellectual level why they are absurd and harmful. What is more powerful is how I feel the importance of protecting trans-children. Being anti-trans is locking people into boxes around gender stereotypes. I see how much joy Ethan gets in wearing jewelry and how much pleasure Ollie gets in going to dance class. They help me know on an emotional level how essential it is to provide everything possible to help all children feel loved and supported.
There is also joy. After having children, I get overjoyed seeing happy babies. I love seeing children be proud of themselves. And I smile when I hear the sound of children's laughter. All of these things remind me of my children and give me hope. If the wonder of the beauty of my children is filling the lives and hearts of others, there is hope for us all.
When you open up your heart to your little one, you open your heart to the world. The full range of emotions comes more immediately and profoundly when you move through the world with a larger heart. This means that you have to pause to feel, and take time to process. All of this helps you grow as a person through connections that you make with others through empathy and love.
No comments:
Post a Comment