Parenthood - 6/29/23: My Little Mermaid

"Mermaid? Angry mermaid?"

For the past two weeks, every single time we get in the car, Lucas requests to listen to the soundtrack from the recent remake of The Little Mermaid. Since I showed my sons the trailer for this film months ago, they have all been excited about watching it. Seeing Lucas' eyes light up every time Ariel appeared in the trailer was especially cute.

The original Disney animated movie The Little Mermaid is one of my life's most important cultural influences. When it came out, I was about seven years old, and I immediately became obsessed with this film as soon as I watched it. After watching it, we got the soundtrack CD, which we listened to repeatedly in my house.

I remember going to a book store and seeing the piano/vocal songbook on the endcap of an aisle and being so excited. More than the notes, I noticed this book also had the lyrics. I wanted to get this book so badly, but my mom hesitated because it was in bad shape. There was only one copy, so my mom eventually agreed to get it for me. I have fond memories of my brother and I singing the songs from the film and watching this film over and over when it finally came out on VHS.

I've watched many Disney movies with my three sons, and The Little Mermaid never really appealed to them. I don't think we even go to the end of it. They enjoyed most of the other Disney films from that era, but something about The Little Mermaid didn't click with them. That's why I was surprised and excited when they got so into to see the new version of this film.

I love analyzing movies. I wanted to be a film critic at one point in my life, so part of my brain looked at The Little Mermaid through this lens when I watched it. Halle Bailey and Mellisa McCarthy were wonderful. The film was too long, and the special effects were inconsistent. The animal friends didn't work, and much of the added dialogue and songs didn't enrich the narrative. The updated musical arrangements of the scores and the songs were lush and vibrant. The original soundtrack had a lot of synthesized instruments, and replacing those with acoustic ones really made the music shine.

What matters isn't what I think, but that my children loved the film and continued to engage with it weeks after watching it. My oldest son, Ollie, got so excited when I printed out the lyrics so he could learn them, and my youngest, constantly listening to the songs and singing along, is wonderful. There is so much joy when he hears the music, and watching him move and sing along to the music is pure joy.

I'm not thinking too hard about the fact that Lucas' favorite song is "Pour Unfortunate Souls," and he loves the line "Go back to your DADDY." I just feel good that he is engaged with music with such interest and joy.

One of the points of discussion about this film is that Ariel is no longer white in this new film. Watching this film critically, it's clear that Halle Bailey is an excellent actor and singer. And I'm so glad that our children are seeing an outstanding, talented Black woman in this role.

When Dr. Clark did his doll test as part of the Brown v Board of Education Supreme Court case, he showed that Black children did have racial awareness and how messages about racism affected the way they saw race and themselves. This study clearly showed that separate was not equal. This was dramatized in this scene from the mini-series Separate but Equal.

I've been thinking about those children and the way they saw Black identity, as I've seen Lucas experience a Black mermaid. I'll never forget when, one of the first times Lucas watched the trailer, he pointed to Halle Bailey as Ariel and exclaimed, "Pretty mermaid!" If you ask Lucas about her, he will describe her also as beautiful. It means something that Lucas sees beauty in a Black character. So as tired as I am of listening to the soundtrack, I'll keep playing it as my parents did for me and share in part of his world.

Parenthood - Week 522: "Communication, a telephonic invasion"

"The water in my bottle bottles isn't cold!" 

"Go fill up your water bottle with cold water," Diana yelled to Ethan.

"[pause] THE WATER IN MY BOTTLE ISN'T COLD!!!"

"FINE! I'll get you some water. Stop yelling"!"

I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 6:08 AM. What a way to start a Friday. I pulled myself out of bed and went downstairs to fix him a water bottle with plenty of ice. I brought the bottle up to his room and handed it to him. He reached for the bottle, drank it, handed it back to me, and flopped back to bed. I went back to my bed for another twenty minutes of sleep before I needed to get up in the morning.

Maybe I should have made him get up and make the water bottle himself. However, sometimes getting my kid to stop screaming takes priority over teaching my child to be independent.

*****

Lucas has learned how to say "please…pretty please?" when he asks for something he wants.

Lucas has always had a warm disposition and a gentle way about him. He wasn't a demanding baby and learned early that he could get what he wanted by being sweet and smiling more effectively than by screaming. Lucas doesn't quite understand that adding "pretty" to "please" changes a "no" into a "yes" but we appreciate the effort and, of course, his cuteness.

Lucas is a resourceful kid. He learned early how to carry footstools around the house to get what he wanted from tall shelves around the house and in the pantry. So it's common for me to make dinner and see Lucas sitting at the table eating a snack he somehow got all by himself.

It's wonderful to see Lucas find success in communication. It's satisfying to see language work for him, and he is so proud of himself when a "pretty please" gives him access to something through positive interaction with one of us.

*****

When Ollie gets going, it's fascinating to hear him talk. Sometimes, Ollie needs a minute to think about what he wants to say or respond to a question. Then there are moments when he expresses something that he has thought deeply about, and I can see the words flow out of him freely.

Sometimes it's about a video game, a speed cube, or something else he has considered. And once he gets going, it's almost like he can't stop. The words come and come, and it's like he's downloading out loud something his mind has been trying to figure out and now is finally ready to make real through words what he has been feeling and thinking about. Once Ollie becomes better at typing, I'm excited to see how his thoughts look as the speed he can put words on a page catch up to the speed of his thoughts.

Parenthood - Week 515: Taking Care of Buffy

It started with the early mornings. 

Usually, I would take Buffy out before I went to bed around 10:30 pm, and then in the morning, around when I was getting ready for work, at 6:30 or so, Buffy would get up and want to go out. Often it would be later. Then, about a month ago, Buffy started getting up early, needing to go out.

Around 3:30 or 4:00 am, I would wake to Buffy whining from Ollie and Ethan’s bedroom, where she liked to sleep. So I would open their door, and she would go downstairs, and I would let her out. Then, after she came back in, I would go back to bed for a couple of hours. Other times it would be closer to when I would get up, so it didn’t make sense to me to try to go to bed.

It was annoying, but I figured it was part of the deal with having an older dog. It was the least I could do to help out my puppy. Then we started noticing that Buffy was eating less food. So Diana took Buffy to the veterinarian. Two things were concerning: her weight and her heart.

Buffy is a small dog, under 20 lbs, so when she loses a couple of pounds, it’s a big deal, and this is exactly what happened. The other issue Buffy was that her heart was enlarged. So we got Buffy on heart medication, and I started doing all I could to make Buffy’s food more appealing.

I got some dog food seasoning products sprinkled on dog food to make it more appealing, and I started mixing in small pieces of meat or broth. It’s worked. Over the past couple of weeks, Buffy has started eating more consistently, and she’s been sleeping longer and not needing to go out until after I was up. Soon, we will have Buffy follow-up visit with the veterinarian and see how her weight and heart medication is doing.

There were nights that I slept light, not wanting to miss hearing Buffy’s whines, afraid that I wouldn’t hear her and get up and let her out. I worry more about her overall. There are extra things to think about. We must manage her medication, be more thoughtful about her food and check in with her.

Sometimes Buffy goes to bed with the boys before she has had her medicine, so I wake her up and carry her downstairs. I need to coat her pills with peanut butter so that she will eat them. I find this really gross because I used to be allergic to peanuts and have a strong aversion to the smell, but I power through. Buffy doesn’t hear as well as she used to, so after I make her a meal, I pick her up and put her in front of her food, especially with specially prepared meals she digs in.

Buffy continues to do so much for us, and I’m glad we can do things to make her feel better.

Buffy will always be our special puppy. I'm happy to show her love by taking care of her. 

Parenthood - Week 514: Putting Lucas To Bed

Lucas comes into the room excited to read a book. 

I have already turned the room light off and turned on his lamp and nightlight. Sometimes he wants to read the book we read the night before, but tonight he wants a new book. Lucas walks over to the closet and points up, “book.”

I put my hands underneath his armpits and lift him facing away from me. I slowly move him across the different bookshelves closet. At some point, he grunts and reaches out. I move him closer, and he carefully puts his finger on the spine of the book that he wants me to read.

I put Lucas down, and he walks over to his bed as I pull the book off the shelf.

Lucas fell out of his bed a couple of times after he got moved into a twin-sized bed, so Diana put a bumper on the side of his bed open to the room. It’s a long stiff pillow that is tucked under the sheet. Even though I initially thought this was pointless, it does keep him in bed as he sleeps.

It’s cute. Because of this bumper, Lucas struggles to get into bed, so as he has one leg hanging off the bed, trying to climb in, I give him a little push, and he rolls into bed.

I climb into bed with Lucas, who lies to my right. Sometimes he wants his stuffed goose with him. Other times he doesn’t seem to care. This night as he tucks in close to me, with concerns, he says, “Mickey?” I realize he’s talking bout his Mickey Mouse stuffed toy. “I’ll get it, and it’s downstairs. Wait here.”

I get out of bed and run downstairs, and when I come back with his Mickey Mouse toy, he smiles and reaches his hands out. As I get back into bed with him, I tuck Mickey next to him, but he points to the end of the bed. I figured it out. He wants Mickey at the foot of the bed. I prop him up at the end of the bed so Lucas could see him. Lucas looks at me, satisfied, and I start reading to him.

Sometimes Lucas asks me to reread a page, and other times he wants me to pause so he can look at a picture. This night he does a little of both. I don’t completely understand what he is getting out of this book, but he is actively listening and trying to figure something out.

After the book is done, Lucas still looks like he is concentrating.

“Do you want to read your book while daddy reads his?” “Yes.”

I pull the novel I’m reading from the top of the bedpost and start reading as Lucas looks at his book. After a couple of minutes, Lucas pushes the book away and cuddles up to me, leaning his head against my shoulder.

“I love you, Lucas.”

“I. Lub you too..” 

 I continue to read my book as I feel the weight of his body settle into mine, and I hear his breathing slow down and get heavier.

After about ten minutes, I close my book and look at Lucas. I kiss him on his head and carefully climb out of bed.

I turn off his lamp, close his door, and leave him for the night.

Parenthood: Week 512 - Expert on Vaca?

After taking my children on trips for the better part of the last decade, I've come to some conclusions. First, no matter how well-prepared I am, vacations are challenging. Second, while taking children on trips can be a pain, they have always been worth it. And finally, I am really good at taking kids on vacation. 

It's tough to take kids on trips. Every time we prepared for vacation, we were barely ready. Prepping the house includes cleaning out the refrigeration, cleaning the house, and doing dishes. We did make a couple of trips with Buffy and Ollie when Ollie was a baby, but now that Buffy is older and we have more kids, we don't take Buffy on trips with us. Because of this, we must prepare Buffy to stay with someone else, which takes work.

Then there is packing. It's not a big deal to pack for myself, but packing for the kids is a lot. We have to consider their needs as they don't think through packing themselves. Ollie, our oldest, can do some packing himself but, like Lucas, who is three, cannot comprehend packing or physically do it.

If all we had to pack for our children were clothing, it would still be a lot of work, but there is so much more. We have to pack diapers, wipes, snacks, coloring books, medicine, Aquaphor, toiletries, water bottles, books, and a stroller, among other things. Then there is the technology. Ollie has his Nintendo Switch, and we have two iPads for my other sons. There is work in this prep making sure whatever games or videos they want to play or watch are downloaded and ready to go and that everything is charged. Also, we have to pack headphones.

Packing snacks are essential. Food is a primary way of keeping kids in good moods when traveling—often, when things aren't going well, it's because kids are hungry. However, getting the proper selection of snacks is tricky, and having enough is important, as they take up a lot of space.

Preparing to travel means that almost all of the time, my wife and I stay up late the night before we travel. Getting four or five hours of sleep the night before taking a plane flight is common for us, which compounds the difficulty and anxiety of traveling.

Many little things make traveling with children difficult, and over the years, I've figured out how to manage these things, but that doesn't make it easy. For example, let's take car seats. After traveling with a car seat once, I decided it wasn't worth the hassle of carrying one to the airport, checking it, and carrying it around the airport after. So now we just rent car seats when we rent cars. Yes, this is easier, but getting a car seat in front of the rental car company and installing it is still a process that takes a lot of time.

This is what the experience of traveling with children gets you: the more you do it, the more you learn, and while things are easier, it's never easy. The most significant change over the years has been expectations setting. Things will go wrong when you travel with children. You will need to remember something, and there will be issues. Accepting this as a feature helps you see the tough moments, not as failures, and see the good and the joy of getting away with the little ones.

Parenthood: Week 511 - One Night

Diana got tickets without a lot of notice. It was a production of Matilda, the musical, done at Northwestern University. She got tickets the day before, and I didn't think much about it, but part of me didn't feel up for it. I had been working through a cold and had a lot of stuff to do at work. However, this performance was only a 5-10 minute drive away, and it was an affordable price. 

Ollie liked ˆ when Diana read it to him a couple of years ago, and Diana was currently reading this book to Ethan, so going to this show was a great idea. Matilda was one of my favorite books as a child. I was fascinated by the child abuse in Matilda's home and at school and how children persevered, reacted, and overcame these challenges.

Initially, we planned to take Ollie and Ethan, but then Ethan irrationally resisted coming with us, and we decided not to fight it. So Ethan stayed home with Lucas and grandma, and we took Olie to the show.

We got to show up late, it was cold, and we were in the very last row of the auditorium. However, once the show started, Ollie was transfixed. He sat up straight for the entirety of the first half, his head looking out at the stage. When intermission came, Diana suggested that we go home. Ollie said he wanted to stay, so she took a car service back home while Ollie and I stayed.

Maybe it was because I was tired, or the show dragged, but I fell asleep for a chunk of the show's second half. Ollie didn't. 

The show was two hours and forty-five minutes, and he sat up straight and paid attention the entire time. I was amazed and so proud of Ollie. Proud that he had the maturity to attend a musical for so long and proud that he, like myself, appreciated musical theater. I told him this as we went home on the dark winter night.

We got home late, and the two younger brothers were asleep. I looked at the block, and it was 10:40. Ollie got to bed, and I started winding down myself. Then Lucas threw up. Over the next two hours, we went through a cycle. Lucas would throw up, Diana would change him and comfort him, and I would change and clean his bedding. Finally, Lucas would settle down, get tired, and almost fall asleep, Diana would put him back in his bed, and then he would throw up again.

This happened three or four times. I'm not sure. All I know is that we went through every extra sheet in our house and pillows. At some point, I took a pillow off Ollie's bed (he has two) to give to Lucas because we didn't have any other clean ones.

By the time Lucas settled in for the night, it was 12:45. I had scrubbed through sheets and clothes, Diana had comforted Lucas through the night, and we were finally done.

One night was full of some beautiful things and some challenging things.

Then the following day, we got up and did it again. I knew there were challenges ahead and possibly some wonderful moments, but it would be a unique day full of ups and downs, as every day is as a parent.

Parenthood: Week 510 - Not So Wide Open Spaces

When Buffy was a younger dog, she’d get the “zoomies.” She would randomly run at full speed across the room, often without warning and without provocation. Who knew that children did the same thing?

There are a lot of things that my children like to do together. One of their favorites is to chase other in circles around the house and laugh with great joy. Sometimes, one of them catches the other one, and they fall and wrestle around. Sometimes the laughter sounds like crying, and I ask, “is everyone okay?” And then there will be a pause, and I’ll hear a “yes.” But, unfortunately, there are times when this running around ends with someone hurting someone or running into something.

Yes, I get it. Kids have energy and a desire to be physical. Unfortunately, in the dark and cold winter, we can’t do that outside much, so this type of play gets moved inside. We are blessed with a comfortable home, but we don’t really have enough space for our children to run around and wrestle.

We try our best to keep a lid on it, but there are times when we are too tired, and they have too much energy, so we just sit, let them run around, and hope that someone doesn’t get hurt. 

Over the years, I’ve seen how some boys have a very narrow way of interacting and socializing. For example, some males only interact through playing sports, making fun of each other, or being goofy. In addition, the often limiting definitions of masculinity make some boys uncomfortable interacting in different positive ways of bonding, like talking about their emotions or playing music together.

I try to encourage my sons to read or do art projects together, and once I do find that they enjoy spending time together in these ways. But, sometimes, it just seems like they forget that these are ways to be with each other and that their default is to run around and be goofy.

One of my hopes for my children is that they see many ways they can be for themselves and each other. There is beauty in having many interests, and that masculinity should not empower boys to feel confident doing what they enjoy regardless of stereotypes and gender roles.

The only way to make progress in this way is to be deliberate. Surrounding my children with different kinds of books and activities sends a very important message. Also, be aware of culturally what my children consume throughout the day. My oldest son likes watching Ninjago, an action-adventure cartoon. I don’t give him any resistance when he watches this. And when I watch television with him, I’ll put on a Julia Child cooking video, or a performance by The Temptations, so that he sees the wonder and greatness in many different things. Hopefully, this will translate into him seeing and valuing different facets of his personality.

It will be cold, dark, and gross outside for at least another month. So we’ll have more screaming and chasing in the house. And hopefully, we will also have a great time doing other activities together that are a little quieter.

Parenthood: Week 509 - The Family Bed?

A couple of weeks ago, we rearranged the sleeping situation in our house. Diana and I moved into the guest room, Ollie and Ethan moved into our old room, and Lucas moved into Ethan and Ollie’s old room. The room that served as a nursery for Lucas became Diana’s office.

It was the right time to make this move. Lucas had figured out how to climb out of his crib for at least a month or two, and it made sense for us to better utilize the guest room and the attached bathroom as a master suite. In addition, Ollie and Ethan’s shared room wasn’t as big as our previous bedroom, and two beds fit in that space very well.

For Ollie and Ethan, it wasn’t a big switch. They had been sharing a room for a couple of years and wanted to continue to share room. Ethan was a little worried about having to walk further to come to find us if he got scared at night, but after he saw how things were laid and out that our new bedroom really wasn’t that far away, he was fine with that.

This was a big change for Lucas. He went from a crib to a twin-size bed and switched rooms. His sleep routine got off, and he fell out of his new bed several times, not realizing there were no longer crib sides to keep him in bed. What was nice about his new bed is that we could now do story time in his bed, and he came to like having a bed like his big brothers.

Now, what he is really enjoying visiting us in the middle of the night.

When Ollie first went into a “big boy bed,” he had never climbed out of his crib, so he didn’t realize that he could even get out of his new bed on his own. I had to literally teach him how to get out of his bed and that he could visit us in our bedroom. He came to visit us at night periodically for a couple of weeks, but he settled into sleeping in his own bed without many issues.

Ethan never liked sleeping in his crib, so it was a struggle to get him to sleep on his own, but over time it has improved. Now, with Lucas, the situation has become almost humorous.

On a good night, everyone will stay in their beds. On a bad night, Ethan and Lucas will not visit our bed two or three times to try to sleep with us. This is with us putting them back in their beds after each visit.

This has led to waking up in the middle of the night, hearing the light pitter-patter of Lucas and having him carefully lay between Diana and me, or the slapping of Ethan’s heavy run coming down the hallway. There’s looking over at the body next to me, confusing whether it’s Lucas and Ethan and taking that child to the wrong room as I try to put them back in their bed. There have been moments when I’ve gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night and come back to find a child has appeared in my bed like magic.

With varying degrees of consciousness and energy, I’ve tried to make do with one or two children sleeping in our bed, but no one really gets a good night's sleep, so I try to push myself up to get them back in their beds.

Then there are the nights when it’s between late at night and early in the morning, and I wake up and find Ethan and Lucas sleeping soundly, cuddling with each other. I go back to sleep, knowing that I will be tired in the morning because of how their little bodies will keep me from sleeping soundly. But I know it’s worth it for them to have this moment of warmth, comfort, and love with each other.

Parenthood: Week 508 - In His Eyes

Lucas and I were lying in bed together on our sides, looking at each other. He held two fingers on my hand and pulled my hand close to his cheek. Lucas cuddled up against my hand as if it was a security blanket.

 

In the dim light of his night-light, I could see his eyes looking into mine, calm and peaceful. Then slowly, his eyelids began to close. I could see him resist this as they opened. Then, finally, they began to close again, and Lucas let them close this time. I looked at my beautiful little one in the dark as I listened to the gentle breathing. For a moment, all there was in the world was him and me, and there was peace.

 

The first time someone fell asleep looking into my eyes, it was with Diana. A moment of trust, comfort, and love helped me understand the true meaning of intimacy. Then there was falling asleep with Buffy.

 

I had an idea in my head that Buffy wouldn’t ever sleep in our bed when we first got her. She was this magical ball of fluff, so on the first day we had her home, I put her on my lap, and she fell asleep right there. Then she fell asleep on my chest. And then she fell asleep in the corner of our bed. She ended up by our pillows at some point, cuddling up with us.

 

Buffy never regularly sleeps in our bed. She cuddles with us for a little while, like ten minutes, and then want to get off the bed and sleep in her own space. However, once in a while, she does fall asleep in my arms. Sometimes she’s the small spoon, and other times she lies on her side facing me. Seeing her eyes close, with her third eye eyelid crossing across her as her other eyelids close, reminds us of how different we are, yet sharing a space with such comfort. To know that I could bond this strongly with something beyond human is a beautiful feeling.

 

Both with Ollie and Ethan, I spent time cuddling with them at night and watching their eyes close slowly as we lay in bed looking at each other. I feel so fortunate that my eyes could bring them such comfort and peace. I didn’t think about the fact that I hadn’t had this moment with Lucas until it happened last week.

 

Lately, I’ve been putting Lucas to sleep more often. It’s super cute. Lucas is talking a lot more to express what he wants to me. Sometimes he likes the lights on, sometimes, he wants to sit in the chair with me, and of course, he has an opinion on what books he wants to read.

 

After Lucas gets in bed, he needs to set up his stuffed animals just right. He has a goose, a zebra, and a Mickey Mouse that all sit up in the corner of his bed so he can see them when he turns to the side. For some reason I can’t explain. Lucas is insistent on The Polar Express as his bedtime story. Sometimes he falls asleep before I’m done, but other times, he’s still awake by the end.

 

We turn to each other in bed, and when he looks into my eyes, I can see all that I wished for him to be before he was born, all the wonders that he is now, and grateful for all the love he brings into my life.  

Parenthood: Week 507 - Making Plans

In parenthood, everything goes differently than planned, and then you have to make new plans...constantly. Everything from cooking breakfast to bedtime to all the activities in between requires plans. These plans require preparation, and your children often distract you when you do this work. 

This past week, we’ve been reeling from the fact that we are not visiting my family in Seattle. We made these plans months ago and spent a lot of time preparing for this trip. So after a morning of moping around, we had to make plans. First, there were plans for what was right in front of us, like what we would eat for lunch, and then we had to make plans for the next week.  

We started a list of things we wanted to do with our children during break and errands we wanted to get down and started slotting them in the coming days. There was about one thing a day, some outing or activity we planned for our children. As the schedule came together, the week started looking good.  

I was determined to make the rest of this winter break work for our family. So on the first day, I took them to the mall. Too bad most of the mall was closed because we got there too early, and the open stores weren’t too interesting for my children. Lucas loved running around the empty mall, but the others were bored, so we went to Old Navy. I let them pick out t-shirts and buy them snacks. That didn't go as planned, but the afternoon did. We took them to see a kid’s movie. I almost changed plans after one of my children was not cooperative in leaving the house, but we stuck with that plan and made it work. 

The following day we planned to go to the aquarium. So I got up early, made breakfast, and got us all ready to go. We got the aquarium close to when they opened, got a pretty good parking spot, and made our way to the door. We wanted to avoid crowds by getting there early, and since our children get up early, it’s really up to us to get them there. So we did, and we found out we couldn’t get it. Even though we were members, we still needed to reserve a spot for a timed entry, and they were full until the afternoon.  

Time for a new plan. 

Fortunately, the Field Museum was next door, so we walked over there and spent the morning looking at dinosaurs.  

This is how the past week has gone. We make plans, put in the time and effort, and then have to change plans. Part of me is still sad that we didn’t spend the week in Seattle as planned, but we made new plans and made this week work.  

It’s hard to make plans. You have to make decisions quickly, often without all the information, but knowing it’s for my children helps push me through. After years of re-making plans, I’m pretty good at it, and it's one of the things that I do well that makes me feel proud to be parent. 

Parenthood: Week 506 - Through It All

I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. 

Four nights ago, our little one Lucas developed a fever. He came into our room late at night. We pulled him into our bed and gave him some Tylenol. A couple of minutes later, he threw up in our bed. After we cleaned things up, he struggled to sleep but found comfort in being near us. 

The next night, because he spent most of the afternoon napping, Lucas got up very early, around 4 am. After it became clear after his crawling around in our bed he was not going to go back to sleep, I got up with him and watched some cartoons with this. And by "watch with him," I mean dozing off on the couch while Lucas watched cartoons and jabbed the remote into the face whenever a show was over so I could start a new one for him.

Two nights ago, Lucas woke up at 2 am upset. I comforted him, and after five minutes of trying to sleep with him in our bed, I walked him over to his room and crawled into bed with him. I remembered that having him fall asleep in his bed and leaving him was a lot easier than him falling asleep in our bed and then trying to transfer him back to his bed. I ended up sleeping with Lucas for a couple of hours and heading back to our bed for half an hour before I needed to get up before the kids. It was Christmas morning, and I wanted to be up before the kids.

Last night I went to sleep late, having spent the late evening packing to visit my parents in Seattle the next morning. The plane flight was in the morning, and I planned to get up around 6ish and sleep around 12:40.

This lack of sleep and all of the preparation and activity for Christmas was what had already drained me before facing today. When I got up, my mom texted me and told me our flight had been canceled. She was concerned since Seattle had been having issues with flight cancellations all week. Even though the weather was fine on both ends, our flight had to be canceled, and after some frustrating work, we realized there was only one feasible way to get to Seattle later this week which didn't work with my winter break schedule.

I tried to sleep a little bit, knowing my kids wouldn't be up, but that didn't work. So I got up, emptied the dishwasher, and made myself breakfast. Later my children got up one at a time, and I told them about changing plans. We were sad together, but we did have some bright sides, like being able to go to a local family part now could go to because we were not traveling out of town.

So I made my kids breakfast and we watched a movie with my kids on the couch, which was the first time I sat and watched a movie for a long time. Most of the time, I'm on the treadmill working out when I watch movies. Afterwards I decided that was enough time to mope about, so I got in gear. We all went to the grocery store, and we got back home. I spent an hour cooking for the party, got it all ready to go, and we went to the party. The pressure, and concentration of cooking helped me feel productive, and it felt good to set out a goal and make it happen. 

In the past 24 hours, I've dealt with the stress of packing for a trip, on little sleep, and then having that trip yanked away, taking a moment to breathe, and finally getting in gear. This is the work of parenthood. It is unforgiving and requires a depth of strength that I sometimes struggle to find in myself.

While I'm really sad and disappointed about how the last 24 hours worked out, I'm proud that I exhibited the strength my mother has always believed was in me and handled this situation well. Thought it all, I did right by myself and my family. 

In tough moments knowing you did your best doesn't take way the sadness, but it bring forward pride, and that's something. 

Parenthood: Week 505 - The Week Of...

It’s the week of Christmas! 

This year feels different because my children and I have different winter breaks. I’m off this week and next week, and they are off next week and the following week. So while I do like the idea of having time to prepare for the holiday while they are at school, later, it is not ideal when they are at home, and I’m at work.

There’s shopping, cooking, wrapping presents, and other chores unrelated to the holidays. Also there are at home things, that I put off because† I’m too busy to get to them because of stuff I have to do for work.

I find it really difficult to take care of home stuff when I’m at work. I am often able to make the time, but it’s hard to get into the “taking care of home stuff”-mind frame when I’m at work. Of course, when something needs to be done, I can make that happen, but like how bills pile up, home stuff has a way of doing that too.

The tricky thing is that you can’t put off most parenting until a later time. The last two weeks of work have been challenging and draining. I found myself at home with little patience and struggling to focus on my children’s needs.

My children themselves helped me get energized and focused. The sound of their giggles, the hugs, and simple acts of care like bathing them allowed me to leave work behind. Part of what you realize when you are home with children and you are drained is that you have to let things go, and sometimes this feels like a significant compromise, and other times, you realize that maybe you were being too rigid about certain things.

I remember going to a seminar years ago as an assistant teacher. One topic was how to recharge your batteries after you get home from work. Most people think you should do something less active like sit in front of the television or scroll through social media. The training leader said that what worked was doing simple, achievable tasks, like doing dishes. It’s kind of like physical exercise. If you are tired, sometimes making yourself more tired through exercise helps you sleep better and, in turn, will make you less tired.

This advice to take when all you want to do is hide when you get home, and all you see is the tantrums and the fights from children who are also tired. Sometimes this means you turn on the television to make dinner, or dinner can be a frozen pizza. Making things work when you don’t have a lot left means something has to give.

I’m still trying to figure out this balancing act between work and parenting. It gets better and worse, and in the moments when it feels right, something inevitably throws it out of whack. The struggle is a good thing. It’s a sign that my life is dynamic and that I’m invested in my work and my children. In this tension, there is the struggle that brings meaning that purpose to my life.

Parenthood: Week 504 - 12/13/22

Ollie went to his first chess tournament last weekend. My wife took him and I stayed with the other two boys. I’m really glad that he had this experience. I don’t remember what got Ollie first into chess, but it was about the age of six-years-old when it clicked. I think he might have started learning he saw a chess set out in my father-in-laws house.

Ollie first started learning chess through some iPad apps that I found. For example, Magnus Kingdom Of Chess is a role-playing adventure game, except you use chess pieces. The game has a story, and Ollie learned how the pieces move through this game.

I played with Ollie quite a bit. This was a time when Ethan had just been born, so it was nice to have an activity I could do with Ollie that gave him attention. I was never that great at chess, so after a couple of weeks, he definitely got better than me.

Ollie’s interest in chess waned, but he did join the chess club at this school last year, and really enjoys it. This tournament was an extension of this club. This event wasn’t too formal. It was hosted at a local elementary school. Ollie had three wins and two loses, but most importantly, he had fun, had some time with his friends, and got to try something new.

*****

It was Lucas’ birthday last week. He turned 3 years old. Yet, somehow, he’s been talking about wanting to be six-years-old for a couple of days now. Ollie revealed that he was helping him count and taught him how to say “six.” So maybe it’s not that he wants to be older. He just likes to use this word he just learned.

Lucas is doing really well. He’s spent his whole life chasing his brothers, so he’s fast, can climb anything, and is fearless. Lucas’ speech is getting stronger and stronger, and he takes really well to us teaching him words and helping him pronounce them with more clarity.

It’s been hard to accept that Lucas is no longer my “baby, baby” which is the what I mostly call him. I’ve been seeing how far he can follow commands and comprehend whan I’m saying, and he’s further along than I thought he was. I don’t think I ever babied him, I just didn’t realize how much he has grown.

I am looking forward to having Lucas as a toddler, but part of me doesn’t want to let go of him being my baby.

*****

Ethan is really blossoming as a big brother to Lucas. He spends a lot of energy taking care of him. When Lucas is sad, Ethan is right there to hug him, and he tries to cuddle with him when they are watching television together.

They do have disagreements when Lucas wants a toy Ethan is playing with, but more often than not Ethan is trying to help Lucas and has a very satisfied look on his face. At least four or five times a day, I hear Ethan tell Lucas that he loves him. Every so often, Ethan will look at me and say, “Lucas is so cute,” I can’t help but smile and hug him for being such a sweetheart.

Parenthood: Week 503 - Goodbye To The Crib

It was just a crib. Four wooden sides with slats and a metal frame with springs stretched across it. 

The crib is well used. Ten years old, to be precise. To my surprise, I started feeling emotional as I took it apart. We didn't need it anymore. My youngest son, Lucas, should have transitioned out of it a couple of months ago. He could easily climb in and out of it for a long time, and it made my heart warm knowing that the crib would go to a family who really needed it. 

I paused as I looked at the crib on the floor in pieces. All three of my sons slept, played, giggled, and smiled in this crib. They all cried in that crib, got sick, and had blowouts in it. We placed our hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties in that crib. We trusted that crib's sturdiness to keep our children safe, and it never failed us.  

I'll never forget how absurd Ollie looked when we first put him in that crib. Swaddled up, he barely took up even an eighth of that crib. We placed him carefully in the center of the crib, and when we would return to check on him, there he would be, not yet able to turn over, right where we left him, safe and sound.  

I remember how Ollie as a toddler, would wake up from naps in his crib and sit there and lounge, joyfully cooing. He would wake up from his afternoon nap right when I got home from work. One day, I went into his room and saw him sit up and smile at me. I went over to pick him up, and he pulled himself up, not yet fully able to stand. As I was about to pick him up, he let go and fell on his bottom, giggling. So, I climbed into the crib and cuddled with him. The crib probably wasn't made to support my weight, but Ollie and I spent a lot of time together in that crib, cuddling, playing, and laughing.  

Ethan never liked that crib. We would rock him to sleep and put him in his crib as a baby, and as soon as he would finish a sleep cycle, he would be up crying and often spend most of the night in our bed. Before he figured out how to climb out of this crib, something Ollie never did because he was never motivated to do, Ethan would wage war. He'd throw things out of the crib, chew on the crib, and scream. And oh, how Ethan would scream when he wanted to get out of that crib.  

I did fight the fight. I spent many nights sleeping on the floor next to his crib, trying to get Ethan to sleep in his crib. Some of these nights, he slept on the floor with me; other nights, he'd be in his crib, and slowly, over time, he finally got better and spent more time than not in his crib and less time in our bed. 

In the darkest time of the COVID-19 pandemic, when streets were deserted and loved ones didn't know when they see each other again, Lucas put himself to sleep in the crib. Unlike Ollie, he didn't really want to be rocked for very long before being put in the crib, and unlike Ethan, Lucas liked his crib. Sometimes all he would want was only a couple minutes of cuddling, and then he would squirm. I would put him in the crib, and he would settle down and put himself to sleep. 

In that time of great fear and anxiety, Lucas finding comfort in that crib, and being the best sleeper as a baby out of all of our children, was what we needed. I remember watching him settle himself in his bed on a sunny spring morning in 2020 and saying "thank you" as he closed his eyes. The peace he found in his crib was a reminder that even in the worst of times, there were still moments of family and love. There was still hope.  

As I say goodbye to this crib, I am grateful for the memories, longing for the past, and wishing I could hold one of my sons as a baby again. Unfortunately, life doesn't always wait for you to be ready to let go, and parenthood keeps you busy enough to remind you that you don't have a choice but to move on. 

So as I paused, my children's voice brought me back to the present, as I faced the future.

Parenthood: Week 502 - Managing Fight Club?

It’s like there is a timer. 

Sometimes the timer can last as long as forty minutes. Other times, it can last five minutes. Whenever my children play together, it’s like there’s a finite amount of time they will play together until there is some fight or disruption that I need to address.  

The reality is that most of the time, my children play well together. It’s really wonderful having a house filled with the energy and love of brothers being together. Ollie, my oldest, will read a book with Ethan. Lucas and Ethan, my two youngest, will play chase around the house. All three of them manage to play together at times, which is pretty incredible when you think about the fact that there is almost a seven-year age difference between my oldest and youngest children. It truly is one of the most wonderful parts of my life: seeing my children playing together.  

And one of the most annoying parts of my life, especially in the past week, is when things start falling apart, and someone doesn’t act their best. Often the issues are around sharing. For example, someone wants a toy someone else wants. So someone takes it without asking, and it goes downhill from there. Then there are moments of physicality which I have to interrupt. Sometimes it’s when wrestling seems too active, or someone pushes someone out of frustration instead of using their words. 

Sometimes my sons have spent too much time together and need a break from each other. This is expressed in little disagreements. They don’t know how to manage this, and someone actively fights my suggestion, which fast becomes an order for them to play in different parts of the house.  

This is tricky to manage because I want them to learn to work out disagreements themselves. But, sometimes, they do, and it’s not always clear when is a good time to step in and when to give them time to work something out.  

All of this happens in the tension of modern life. Last week was a busy week. There was a lot to do in preparing for Thanksgiving and cleaning up afterward. I don’t think we were fully 100% done with cleaning up from Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday night until Sunday morning. There was a fair amount of time we were trying to take care of this stuff when my children played with each other. And I sometimes think when my children have issues getting along, it’s because they want attention from me, and I’m not always able to give them as much attention as I would like.  

It can feel like all I’m doing is being a referee with my children. Still, when I remind myself that we are all in this together, playing and figuring things out for ourselves and each other, the work feels less like a burden and more like an opportunity for us all to learn and be a family.

Parenthood: Week 501 - Ollie & Hamilton

My children generally listen to whatever music I'm into. In the car or around the house, I'll put on a podcast they enjoy, or I'll listen to music. At some point I thought about deliberately exposing Ollie to certain musicians or artists. It was a nice idea, but with all the other things to do with Ollie when he was a baby, I ended up just playing whatever music I wanted to listen to. 

Most of the time, my children put up with the music that I play. I generally listen to the same thing for a week or two, sometimes even a month. My brain likes to dive deep. So when I was really into "Play With Fire" by The Rolling Stones for about a week, all my children heard that song a lot. They thought it was a really funny song and learned most of the lyrics.  

I'm really into the new Springsteen album Only The Strong Survive right now. Ollie has learned a bunch of the lyrics to this song just by overhearing me play this music in the car and around the house. It's hard to know how much they pay attention to the music I play, but it's a nice surprise when I realize they do. Ethan and Ollie know "Crowded Table" really well because of the couple of months when I was playing that song all of the time.

When Hamilton hit its peak popularity, Ollie was 3 or 4 years old, and I listened to the soundtrack every day for like six months. It was cute to see Ollie getting into this show, and it culminated in taking Ollie to see the show with us, which was a wonderful experience.  

I'm not going to get into it, but I had an experience with Hamilton that pretty much closed that chapter in my life, and I haven't been interested in Hamilton ever since. I watched about ten minutes of the movie version and was like, "yeah, I'm good." I still respect it as a piece of art. I'm just not into it right now.  

Interestingly, Ollie has gotten back into Hamilton. A couple of weeks ago, he was singing a song from Hamilton, so I reminded him that we had the book Hamilton's A Revolution with all of the lyrics. So for the next few days, he had his head in that back trying to learn lyrics. Then I showed him how to access the soundtrack album on an iPad, and he would spend time listening to the songs and trying to recite the lyrics.  

Every few days, he proudly proclaims that he had learned a song and is starting to learn another. I was doing the same thing when I was about his age. Instead of Hamiton, I was learning all the lyrics to The Little Mermaid, carrying around a book with easy piano arrangements of the songs; however, I was primarily interested in the lyrics. So I worked hard to find the lyrics to "Under The Sea." 

So yes. That is what Ollie is doing with his free time right now. It's fun to watch him dive deep and explore the lyrics, the structure of the raps and the vocabulary. I love that he's finding his own way in, and taking the time to go deep.

Parenthood: Week 500 - An Opportunity For Lucas

“C’mon, buddy.” 

As I carefully got into bed, my knees and hips aching, almost throbbing, Lucas ran around the room, picking up some books for me to read to him. It had been a couple of days of this flu. The headache was bad, but the muscle aches in my lower back, hips, and knees were most unexpected and made life really challenging. I’m an active parent who sits on the ground, moves around with my children, and moves around the house with them. So asking kids to bring things over to me and not feeling comfortable lifting them makes this situation even more difficult.  

My two oldest kids understand what it means when I’m sick. They’ve been sick themselves and are old enough to remember what it feels like to have some empathy for me. They don’t completely understand what this all means with my patience and my moods, but they seem to be giving me a break. When asking for help, Ethan was waiting for me to come by, and Ollie seemed to understand that I needed a couple of extra seconds to answer him or get him something.  

On the other hand, Lucas seemed to have no clue that I wasn’t feeling well. He’s about a month shy of 3-years-old and sweet as can be. So when he noticed that I was sitting down and spending more time in bed, he saw this as an opening. A large human sitting down on a couch or in bed is someone ready to read a book to him.  

I finally got myself into bed. I got a pillow propped up behind me and motioned at Lucas to come on over. He hurriedly came over, put one book on my chest, ran away, grabbed another book, and before I knew it, I had four books piled on my chest. Then, someone, Lucas, managed to get on the bed. Leading with his head, he somehow balanced a leg up on the side table and climbed in.  

Awkwardly I pulled him across my body and positioned him to the right of him. After some challenging maneuvering, Lucas was cuddling right next to me with my right arm around him. I looked down at him, and he smiled with silent satisfaction. Next, I picked up a book and read it to him.  

I was tired, and my brain was still foggy, so reading to him took far more effort than expected. My expressions weren’t great, I messed up some words and skipped some sentences, but Lucas didn’t mind. After each book was done, he got up, grabbed the next book, and then cuddled up for the next book.  

After we finished the books, I asked Lucas if he was ready to go to his crib. He pointed to his room, climbed over, and jumped off the bed. He waited for me as I slowly came out of bed, wincing at the pain in my hips. I slowly walked Lucas over to his room, holding his hand. When we got to his crib, I carefully and slowly picked him up and put him in his crib. I took a deep breath recovering from all the effort it took to lift him.  

Lucas then made a sound at me, holding his hands up. “Dude, I can’t lift you out of there. You just got in…[sigh] ok fine.” As I leaned over the crib, he gave me a tight hug around my neck, and then plopped down into his crib and cuddled up with his bellow. I laughed at myself and said, “goodnight, Lucas-bear,” blew him a kiss, and left his room for the night.

Parenthood: Week 499 - Saturday Morning

Still. 

Nothing was stirring, and the house was quiet. I reached out to Diana, expecting a child to be between us, but we were alone.  

I looked over at the clock, "7:15." I sat up in bed, confused. Usually, Ethan or Ollie get up early before they're ready-to-wake-clock glows green at 7 am, especially on the weekends. I closed my eyes and listened, wondering if Ollie had gone downstairs to watch some television, but it was quiet and still.  

It had been a trying week. Lucas had been homesick for part of it, and I had a colonoscopy. The ebb and flow of life with three young children didn't give us any respite to handle these challenges. 

I was about to get up when I heard the doorknob to Lucas's room start to turn. Slowly the door opened, and Lucas peaked into our room. "Hey, baby-baby, come here," I said as I waved him over. I lay down in bed as he approached. Then he plopped down his head on my bed, swung his leg on the nightstand, and rolled his body onto our bed.  

I pulled Lucas between Diana and me. I helped him get under the cover, and he laid his head on my chest. As the rhythm of our breathing aligned, the world again felt quiet and still.  

Lucas sat up a moment later with a smile on his face. This was his way of telling me he was ready to start the day. I got up, and he followed me to the bathroom. He watched me with a smile as I did my morning routine. As we stepped out of the bathroom, I heard the gentle pitter-patter of Buffy's nails. Her head peaked out of the bedroom into the hallway. As she saw us, she picked up speed and caught up to us as we started down the stairs.  

I changed Lucas's diaper and set up the water kettle so I could make some tea. Lucas walked up to me, holding a full-size bag of chips, and pushed them into my leg, insisting, "chips!" I had no idea where he found these chips, probably someone in the back of our pantry. "Buddy, you can't just eat chips for breakfast," I insisted." Then Lucas pointed at the refrigerator and said, "yu-gert."  

I took the bag of chips out of Lucas' hands and told him to sit down. He hurried over to his chair and climbed up to the table. A couple of moments later, I brought him a bowl with potato chips, strawberry yogurt, and a spoon. I started peeling off the yogurt lid, and Lucas's objective was "NO!" So I backed off and let him get the lid off. He pushed the lid towards me, and I accepted it and kissed him on his forehead.  

Heavier steps came down the stairs, and Ethan walked over to me wearily. H walked over to me with his arms up, "hug?" "Good morning, special one," I greeted him as I picked him up. Even though lifting caused a twinge of pain in my arm, suffering a tendon injury, I still held him close and felt his face bury deep into the side of my neck.  

Buffy whined softly at the back door to our backyard. I carried over Ethan with me as I let Buffy out. I gently put Ethan down, and he remembered about the Lego set he had started the night before. He rushed to his play table and returned to work on putting the pieces together.  

The slower steps of Ollie, my oldest son, approached. I hugged him as he groggily passed me to sit on the couch and turn on the television. He knew it was weekend, and that meant he could start with day with  television.  

After gathering my stuff and putting on my shoes, I looked back at my children. Ollie lay on the couch watching television, Ethan was working on Legos, Lucas was eating breakfast, and Buffy was sitting behind Lucas, watching him intently. The house felt still.

Part of me felt sad that I would spend most of the day away, but I was comforted knowing I was spending my day with a symposium for young men of color. Somehow my children understood the work I was doing was important, and I knew that someday they would be proud of me for the work I did for others boys of color just like them.

Parenthood: Week 495 - The Cubing Competition

I wasn’t alone; there was a sea of nervous parents with me. 

As Ollie got up there to serve as a judge during this the cubing tournament, I could feel the other nervous parents near me, hoping their children wouldn’t mess up judging other competitors. We were all learning forward, but none of us got up as our children figured out where to go and what to do.  

There is a lot of steps to judging: asking the competitor if they were ready, timing the preview period, giving them time warnings of the period, marking down the score, making sure the competitor signed off on the score and judging issues with the solves. I was worried Ollie would mess up someone else’s experience, but he didn’t. He wasn’t the fastest judge, but he figured it out, and it was because of the people at the competitions.  

The people running the competition were very helpful, which was nice but not unexpected. What impressed me was the competitors, many of them older than my 9-year-old son (some of them were adults). The were helpful and patient with him as he figured out how to be a judge. Clearly, for the competitor, their priority was doing well, but from the way I saw them treat my son, treating judges and new participants with respect was as part of that process.  

Ollie started getting into cubing last June. As he got faster, I wondered if there were any competitions he could check out. I didn’t think he would go and win, but I hoped he would enjoy experiencing. Luckily we found one near us, The Mt. Prospect Open 2022. Ollie was really excited when I asked him if he wanted to go, so we got him registered. He wanted to do all of the events, so he got practicing. Before he registered, he didn’t even have a 7x7 cube, so I got him one, and he figured it out.   

This cubing competition was fascinating. It was at a park district center gymnasium. The competitor limit was 200, and there were five events: 2x2, 3x3, 7x7, pyraminx, and meganminx. People were called up in groups at one of four stations for most of the events. First, they dropped their cube in a box with a scorecard and then sat down in a waiting area. Next, cubes were scrambled, and people were called up to complete a solution. When they were done, they would sit down and wait for the cube to be scrambled for their next solution. Once they got through five solves, that round was done. Here is a video that outlines the process. 

Initially, the process seemed a little convoluted, but once I watched a couple of rounds, it made a lot of sense. 

The tournament really felt right. I realized it was because three things that I feel are central to educational and human development were a part of the foundation of these competitions. 

First off, ages and genders were not split up. 8-year-olds were competing against 40-year-olds and girls were competing against boys. Was this unfair? Not really. The nature of speedcubing means that younger people can be competitive and there are no reasons to split up people by gender. We live, learn and operate best when around people of different ages and genders. It is unnatural to segregate by age and gender as much as we do as a society, and many of our issues result from these practices.  

Second, every single participant served others in the competition as a judge. I think this came from needing help for these events, but it has created a fantastic vibe. If you know you will have to serve as a judge, you have more empathy for the people judging you. This also encourages interaction between people and opportunities for support and kindness. I saw many judges being very kind, offering encouraging comments, and helping out competitors. Also, judging creates a situation where people can see competitors up close, which is a thrill.  

More competitions should have individuals serve others and have a role in judging. It makes the competition feel less like competitors vs. judge/referee, and more of a feeling where the competitors are working with the judges to make the competition fair and kind.  

Finally, this competition was about finding satisfaction in your progress and goals while competing against others. This allowed for success to look and feel different for people. For example, hitting a personal best and not making the finals was an awesome accomplishment. However, while competing against each other, people were not competing head-to-head.

Two people could still hit their personal best, and one would win because they were slightly faster than the other. Nothing that another person could do, like intercepting a football pass, directly impacted another person, and this made for a positive feeling in this competition. A lot of this was due to the setup of the competition, but I think a lot of it had to do with the cubing community.  

I was first introduced to the cubing community by this incredible Netflix documentary, The Speed Cubers. It’s an excellent documentary about cubing and how positivity and kindness can be present in a highly competitive atmosphere:  

 

One of the best and most beloved cubers right now Max Park, featured in this documentary, is autistic. This is significant. As I’ve joined cubing Facebook groups, I’ve seen this kindness and inclusivity worldwide and saw it on display during this competition last weekend. The camaraderie in this documentary sets a tone for the cubing community.  Are there people in the cubing community who are jerks? I’m sure of it, but it makes a difference when the leaders in this community are not. This a community where neurodiversity, racial diversity, and a wide age range are features that are celebrated.   

There were emotional ups and downs. Ollie wanted to make the finals, but he didn’t. Ollie had great times and disappointing times. Overall he completed seventeen solves and had one DNF (did not finish) because he couldn’t finish the 7x7 cube in the ten-minute time limit.  

When this happened and the judge had to stop him, Ollie was clearly disappointed. As he returned to the chair next to me, a parent sitting next to me noticed his sadness and told him how amazing he was for even trying. As he sat next to me and finished his 7x7 in a couple more minutes, another parent sitting nearby told him how most people in the competition didn’t even try to do the 7x7 event and how he was doing something 99.999% of the world couldn’t do. I couldn’t help but reflect on this kindness during the whole event, talking to other parents and being encouraging to other competitors.  

I think this is why Ollie wants to come back to another cubing competition. Competitors and spectators were friendly to Ollie. People started conversations with him and gave him encouraging comments, and Ollie reciprocated this by responding to people and showing great care when judging.  

I’m proud that Ollie went out and did something different, and was so successful. I’m really grateful to Ollie that his interests and excitement got me to try something different and go to an event that was new for me too.  

Yes, it’s nice when Ollie shares my interests, but that’s not the point of our relationship. If I’m looking for someone to share my interests with, I should look for that in my friends more than my children. While my children should learn to understand and try out my interests, it’s okay if they are not into something I’m passionate about. Love isn’t about loving the same things.  

I remember getting into Broadway music when I was in middle school, and my father, who was not into Broadway music, made an effort to dive into this musical genre to understand me better. Then he developed his passion for musicals. This was so cool of him, and I feel it’s one of the best examples of what is so great about parenthood. My children being into something I’m not, which leads me to new experiences and growth, is part of the transformative experience of parenting. This happened in a very real way with Ollie’s interest in speedcubing.  

I sat down for an hour and a half to learn how to solve a cube just so I could better understand Ollie’s passion, and I went to this competition last weekend to be closer to him. And at the same time, I’ve developed my independent interest in cubing. How cool is that?  

To the organizers of the Mt. Prospect Open 2022 Cubing Competition: Bravo. Nicely done, and thank you. This competition felt like the best of parenting: when doing for your child feels like doing for yourself and pride fills your heart as they do more than you ever could. 

Parenthood: Week 494 - It’s Getting Better All The Time

Lucas can now put his sock on…with a little bit of assistance. He is also getting a lot more aware of his surroundings and that he can have a voice in what is going on in his life. And this is why he was wearing two different socks yesterday. 

Lucas is talking more, following more verbal directions, and working hard at figuring out how to express himself. His receptive language is growing as he sits when told, comes over when we ask, and has adorable conversations with us more and more 

Lucas is become less cooperative with diaper changes and with changing his clothes when he doesn’t want to. These things can be annoying however these are signs of other growth that he is may ready for the potty.

I’ve noticed in the past month that when Lucas asks for a hug, he really needs a hug. He squeezes me around the neck like my other sons did not at this age. While he doesn’t hug as long as often as Ethan or Ollie does, his hugs are more intense and lovely, uniquely and wonderfully.  

*****

Ethan is sleeping better than he used. He will still come into my bed in the middle of the night for a hug, but it is becoming less consistent and rarer.  

Ethan has moments of frustration and acts out with his brothers, but he can calm down faster, showing more kindness to Lucas, his baby brother. Ethan has always been pleasant to Lucas, but he is leading a higher awareness of how to deal with Lucas when he is frustrated.  

When Lucas is frustrated, Ethan will offer him a toy, a book, or hug him. Sometimes they fight over toys, but a lot of the time, Ethan solves these moments himself.  

Family rituals are starting to sink in with Ethan. He expresses gratitude at dinner time, enjoys bedtime routines as much, and seeks routines more then fights them.  

*****

Yesterday Ollie created his puzzle out of Magna-Tiles. It was a shifting tile puzzle that is usually handheld size, but with his creativity was spread across the floor. It was fascinating to see him create his project, his challenge. Like a game of solitaire, he had to create rules to follow, and without anyone making him stick to those rules, he did so for the satisfaction of the exercise and the pursuit.  

Last evening, I also found him reading a book with Ethan explaining what was happening in the pictures and sharing the joys of reading. We are working on things with Ollie, but I love how he finds ways to stimulate himself by creating his work and sharing it with others.  

Ollie is preparing for this first cubing competition this weekend, and I am so glad to share this new experience with him.

At night, when I’m tired and the house is a mess, or when my children have difficult moments, it seems like we aren’t moving forward, but thinking about last week, I got to admit, it’s getting better.