This was the first time that any of my children articulated to me that I did something that embarrassed them. Look, I’m not surprised. This was inevitable. I’m kind of a weird, eccentric guy in some ways. Sometimes my hairstyle is a little out there, I wear a lot of graphic tees, and I have no qualms about singing along to music and dancing around the house. So I totally get why one of my children would find me embarrassing.
This wasn’t like a surprising thing in that sense. I just thought I had more time before the weird, nerdy, and geeky things about me would become something that embarrassed them.
There are many challenging things to unpack when looking back at adolescence. One of the more difficult ones is how we felt embarrassed by our parents. It’s a feeling most people share when our parents say something or do something that makes us cringe. It’s hard to unpack because, at that moment, the feeling is strong, but in retrospect, that feeling is mean. So what? Our parents wore something that wasn’t cool, big deal. Most of the things that parents do that are embarrassing have good intentions behind them, and instead of seeing that, all we can do as teenagers respond with a lack of gratitude and irritation.
I know I can’t help how I felt embarrassed at the time of my parents, but I wish had a way of processing those feelings that helped me focus more on how my parents tried than how they misfired in my eyes. And I hope my parents, over time, understand that this was just a stage in my life, a short one in my lifetime, because deep in my heart, I feel no embarrassment when I think about my parents, only pride.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to spend my energy trying to be cool or fitting in, which means that there are most likely a lot more of my children being embarrassed by me coming up. And like I’ve accepted this on an intellectual level, but I was not prepared for how much it would hurt to hear my child say those words.
I felt I needed to own my impact, so I told Ollie I was sorry he felt embarrassed and reminded him that I acted out of kindness. However, I wasn’t sure or felt ready to talk to him about how his words affected me, so I put that aside for now.
Our afternoon went on. Ollie worked with me to set up some storage shelves. He happily told me about the new algorithm he learned for his speed cubes. Ollie was happy when I played video games with him, and we had a good evening. He laughed at my silliness the following day and was glad to hold my hand as we walked around the park later that morning.
We had that moment, but it didn’t last and didn’t define our relationship. There will be more moments of embarrassment in the future, moments of joy, and memories to serve as a foundation to grow together as we move forward in our relationships.
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