Sometimes I feel like I'm underappreciated at my school. I put on a performance and sit there after waiting and hoping for something to validate my work. Logically I know this is silly since the focus is on the students, and without fail, someone will email me and tell me I did a good job. However, the feeling persists.
My school, like other communities, needs to work on showing appreciation for each other and not taking its members' talents, hard work, and commitment for granted. At the same time, I know that I can't wait and hope for other people's approval. I need to be doing work and making choices that make me feel proud regardless of what others think or say. And I think I've figured out a way to get there.
I've started telling people lately that I'm good at specific parts of my job. At first, I felt unsure of expressing confidence about my work to others but knowing that they backed it up with concrete examples made them think more about sharing their pride and less about being braggadocious. When I tell people I'm good at something, it sometimes gets them to lean into what I say. At other times, I find that my confidence puts people at ease and lowers anxiety.
Something else is happening as I've been vocalizing things about my work that I'm good at and bringing up examples of my success to others: I'm feeling more proud of myself.
People's words of support and their affirmations have felt insufficient because they aren't paired with my voice telling me I'm doing a good job. There's a gap between people's kind words and my feeling for them. The way to bridge this gap is to say these things out loud. Because now that I'm being more kind and supportive to myself, the affirmations of others feel more real and more valid.
In the past, I felt I needed to be humble. This may be a cultural value or my insecurities taking over, but I'm humble enough. And I'm not going to become the type of guy I don't want to be who spends time expressing their insecurities by bragging about every part of their life, revealing their shallowness more than their accomplishments.
I wonder about my students. They have so much to be proud of, and I tell them I am proud of them, but I wonder if it's sinking in. Do they feel they are proud of themselves? Are they saying to others out loud things that they are good at? I'll help them work on this.
Something is shifting.
The problems and crises I faced this week felt more like adventures than burdens because I've told myself that I can handle this. I kept my department strong and contributed directly to the success of my school during the early COVID-19 pandemic, one of the greatest challenges in education in American history. I did a great job as a leader through that crisis.
I'm good at my job, and now that I'm starting to tell other people this, I'm beginning to believe it and feel proud of that fact.
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