Parenthood: Week 508 - In His Eyes

Lucas and I were lying in bed together on our sides, looking at each other. He held two fingers on my hand and pulled my hand close to his cheek. Lucas cuddled up against my hand as if it was a security blanket.

 

In the dim light of his night-light, I could see his eyes looking into mine, calm and peaceful. Then slowly, his eyelids began to close. I could see him resist this as they opened. Then, finally, they began to close again, and Lucas let them close this time. I looked at my beautiful little one in the dark as I listened to the gentle breathing. For a moment, all there was in the world was him and me, and there was peace.

 

The first time someone fell asleep looking into my eyes, it was with Diana. A moment of trust, comfort, and love helped me understand the true meaning of intimacy. Then there was falling asleep with Buffy.

 

I had an idea in my head that Buffy wouldn’t ever sleep in our bed when we first got her. She was this magical ball of fluff, so on the first day we had her home, I put her on my lap, and she fell asleep right there. Then she fell asleep on my chest. And then she fell asleep in the corner of our bed. She ended up by our pillows at some point, cuddling up with us.

 

Buffy never regularly sleeps in our bed. She cuddles with us for a little while, like ten minutes, and then want to get off the bed and sleep in her own space. However, once in a while, she does fall asleep in my arms. Sometimes she’s the small spoon, and other times she lies on her side facing me. Seeing her eyes close, with her third eye eyelid crossing across her as her other eyelids close, reminds us of how different we are, yet sharing a space with such comfort. To know that I could bond this strongly with something beyond human is a beautiful feeling.

 

Both with Ollie and Ethan, I spent time cuddling with them at night and watching their eyes close slowly as we lay in bed looking at each other. I feel so fortunate that my eyes could bring them such comfort and peace. I didn’t think about the fact that I hadn’t had this moment with Lucas until it happened last week.

 

Lately, I’ve been putting Lucas to sleep more often. It’s super cute. Lucas is talking a lot more to express what he wants to me. Sometimes he likes the lights on, sometimes, he wants to sit in the chair with me, and of course, he has an opinion on what books he wants to read.

 

After Lucas gets in bed, he needs to set up his stuffed animals just right. He has a goose, a zebra, and a Mickey Mouse that all sit up in the corner of his bed so he can see them when he turns to the side. For some reason I can’t explain. Lucas is insistent on The Polar Express as his bedtime story. Sometimes he falls asleep before I’m done, but other times, he’s still awake by the end.

 

We turn to each other in bed, and when he looks into my eyes, I can see all that I wished for him to be before he was born, all the wonders that he is now, and grateful for all the love he brings into my life.