Most of what you do with your child in the early years of their life they will not remember. At best, people take impressions, smells, thoughts, and feelings before 3 years old, if that. It's not until five years old that memories that children will carry with them their entire lives will form and stay with them. Three years is a lot of time, and a lot of life people need to remember.
Children will not remember that first birthday party, early discoveries, and the carefully planned magical vacation. Because life can be so hard with little ones, it's easy to get discouraged. It takes so much sometimes with a child to do things, to go out and take them places, and the reality that they will not remember the experiences you are trying to set up for them only adds the level of exacerbation that comes with doing so much for the little one in your life.
Scientifically, we know that in many ways, the critical years in development occur before the age of three. This is where most language acquisition occurs. It's a crucial time in emotional development, and along with the early teenage years is the most dramatic physical change that humans go through. Creating a stimulating, diverse, and emotionally fulfilling early life pays off in almost every aspect of life as children grow up. No, they will not remember the hugs, the loving words, and the late nights helping your child sleep, but they will be a happier and healthier adult because of all you did for them.
The other reason we do this for our children is in ways they will not remember and may never know because this is what it means to be a parent. There are three levels of care that we give to others. The first requires thanks and recognition to feel validated. The second level asks that we witness the person experiencing what we did for them but do not need credit. And the last group is where we do something for another where we do not ask for thanks or need to witness our work's results.
Parenthood asks us to live in the second and third levels of doing for others. It asks us to search inside for the motivation to do for our children, day after day and year after year, and not give up, no matter how little they know about what we do or how hard it is. This is, in essence, what it truly means to love.
As parents, we can let the lack of gratitude and recognition lead to bitterness. This feeling compounded can lead to strain in relationships that can last a lifetime. If we as parents spend our lives looking for something back from our children, we will forever be searching because there is nothing our children can do to pay back for what parents do.
We have to learn to do for our children as much for them as for ourselves. At the end of the day, there is a feeling of knowing that you did right by your children and did everything you could to care for them. That smile, a laugh, a hug, a moment with your child, however fleeting, happened because of what you did for your children. This needs to be enough.
It is so hard to be enough because so much of parenthood feels like what we cannot do. After all, the responsibility of parenting is so much, and for so many, the timing and circumstance of parenthood are not an active choice. However, this is our regret, our choices, and our lives. This is work we need to process and come to terms with. It cannot be on our children to bring validation to our lives; we need to get it to ourselves.
Our partners can't make us happy, our jobs can't make us happen, and our children can't make us happy. They will forget so much of the struggles, the pain, and the work of parenting. They will forget joyous vacations and magical moments. But these beautiful experiences will create something deep within that lets them know they are loved.
All that we give as parents without expectations, regret, and bitterness is how we come to know true happiness. In doing for others, we find ourselves and the true nature of being a human being, unselfish, present, seeing the best of the world in our actions, and knowing love as much from the love we give as the love we receive.
