The sound of your child crying brings up the feeling of urgency to do whatever you can to make that crying stop. Sometimes you can take your baby in your arms and make them feel better. Even though you may not be able to make your child stop crying at least you feel them close as you try.
Sometimes however you just have to listen to them cry and there’s nothing you can do about it.
One of the things I hate the most about being a parent is driving in a car with Ollie and hearing him cry in the back seat. Sometimes I’m alone and other times there’s someone else in the car with me. During the times that I’m alone, it’s torture. Often I will pull over and check to see if his diaper is wet or if he needs something. Other times he’s fine and he just needs a couple minutes to calm down. Those times are not fun as I try to focus on driving, but all I can think about is how much I want to make Ollie feel better.
The other night was different. Diana was in the back seat with Ollie. He was upset and crying. His nap schedule had gotten mixed up that day and he had spent more time than ordinary in the car as we drove back form a holiday outing. For what seemed like an eternity, but was more likely ten minutes I drove in unfamiliar territory as Ollie cried and Diana tried to calm him down.
Diana told me to focus on driving us home safely while she took care of Ollie. But I couldn’t block out Ollie’s cries as I willed myself to focus on the road. There was nothing I could do for Ollie that Diana wasn’t already doing, but I wished in vain that there were. There is no one I trust with Ollie’s care more than my wife and my desire to do something had nothing to do with my lack of trust in Diana, is was just my primal reaction to the sound of his cries.
You don’t know the depth that you have to draw from both physically and emotionally as parent until you have a child. In this same way I have continued to be impressed at the strength and ability of Diana as a parent. As Ollie continued to cry, Diana remained calm. Like a prayer, Diana reminded Ollie that we were all together as a family in the car. Diana told Ollie about all the people that loved him and how so many people in this world cared about him.
As I struggled to focus on driving, tension built inside of me. Diana’s voice continued to be calm and soothing. I imagined her calm face lovingly looking down into Ollie’s sad face full of tension and wet with tears. As I felt tears well up in my own eyes hearing him cry, Diana's voice gave me strength. If she could hold it together in this moment than so could Iß.
Before I knew it I was out of the car pumping gas and Diana was nursing Ollie in the back seat. Standing in the sub-zero weather, I felt relieved as Ollie cuddled up to Diana. Entering the car there was the soft sound of Ollie nursing and when I turned around I saw Diana leaning close whispering to Ollie.
For the rest of the car ride, Ollie slept and Diana joined me in the front of the car. Those ten minutes were hard but we got through it.
Being a parent is all about going through these struggles all of the time. We find strength in our partners. They who show us the potential we have inside and our capacity to work through tough circumstances. I always knew that Diana would be a great parent but until that night I had no idea how her strength as a parent would save me as well.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Year 4: Week 15 - Working 7 to 3
There are teachers who work late at school long after students have left. There are teachers that after a long day at school go home and grade papers. And there are teachers who spend their entire weekend planning for the upcoming week. These are the teachers who take their job beyond the seven hour school day and give it their all.
Then there are the teachers who get to school right before the students get there and leave immediately after school.
When I first started teaching I was one of those teachers who worked the long hours, gave many of my weekday nights to school events and would work at least one day per weekend. While there were many rewarding moments, when I look back at my personal life it feels like a blur. At the end of it all, after two years of being a teacher who gave so much more than those seven hours a day, my contract wasn’t renewed and I was fired.
I knew that things weren’t going well and that it wasn’t the right fit. But I hoped that if I worked long enough hours and show my commitment in that way, it would make up for my deficiencies. It didn’t and that was really hard to accept. I did the best I could, and it wasn’t enough.
Then there were my years as an assistant. I got to school about fifteen minutes before the kids got there and left about fifteen minutes after they left. As an assistant, I had no papers to grade that I couldn’t get done in the day, and no planning to do.
Yes, I was underpaid and it wasn’t my idea job, but what this job allowed me to have a life outside of my job. It was during this time that my wife and I enjoyed our first two years of marriage, we got and raised Buffy and we had many great adventures together.
When I was interviewing for my current job four years ago and I was asked about working long hours and putting in time during weeknights and weekends, I didn’t give an enthusiastic, “yes, I’m willing to put in whatever time is necessary for this job.” Instead I told them that I had to talk to my wife.
I knew that this job was going to take more time outside of the workday than being an assistant but I didn’t want to completely lose having a life outside my job. I made it clear to this school that a work/life balance was important to me, and they still hired me.
My first year was an adjustment. I was one of those people who would stay later and I took pride in that. I volunteered for committees, met with other teachers after school and went to community events. I managed to be able to give a lot to this school while still having time at home. There were days that I would go home right after school, but since Diana usually got home later than I did, there wasn’t a strong feeling that I had to get home quickly. I could hang out after school for an hour and still get home with have enough time to get dinner on the table before Diana got home.
There are so many teachers at my school who put in the extra time that sometimes I felt that the teachers who got to school later than me and left earlier, weren’t pulling their weight.
Then Diana got pregnant and everything changed.
There was so much to do. Diana being pregnant would have taken up most of our time but on top of that we were trying to sell our condo and buy a house. While I needed to be home more, Diana could handle things if I had to work late. Now with Ollie being born, it all feels different.
Five minutes hanging out after school is five minutes less that I have with Ollie. After being away from him for a whole day, any extra time that I’m away is difficult. It’s not just the emotional stuff. Diana has things to get done and if I don’t get home at agreed upon times, it effects her job.
This year, I’ve left right after school more than I ever have. I don’t think this makes me a worse teacher or a less valuable part of the community. Now I feel ashamed for looking down at other teachers who I witnessed leaving right after school when I didn’t. Maybe they were slacking off, but much more likely they had as good a reasons as I do to get home.
I want to do a great job, but I want to be home with my son. This balancing act isn’t easy. This tension inside of myself has made me more thoughtful about the way I use my time at school. I want Ollie to know that the time that I choose to be away from him means something. I don’t want him to ever think that I care more about my kids at school than I care about him, and I hope that one day he'll understand that I am a better father for him because of the work I do at school.
It's hard to leave Ollie in the morning as he is waking up and it's hard to leave work after school with tasks left undone. However, I do this every work day and somehow its all working out, it's hard but I'm doing it.
As difficult as this is, I wouldn't give it up for anything. This challenge is a reminder of how blessed I am with a great job and a beautiful son.
Then there are the teachers who get to school right before the students get there and leave immediately after school.
When I first started teaching I was one of those teachers who worked the long hours, gave many of my weekday nights to school events and would work at least one day per weekend. While there were many rewarding moments, when I look back at my personal life it feels like a blur. At the end of it all, after two years of being a teacher who gave so much more than those seven hours a day, my contract wasn’t renewed and I was fired.
I knew that things weren’t going well and that it wasn’t the right fit. But I hoped that if I worked long enough hours and show my commitment in that way, it would make up for my deficiencies. It didn’t and that was really hard to accept. I did the best I could, and it wasn’t enough.
Then there were my years as an assistant. I got to school about fifteen minutes before the kids got there and left about fifteen minutes after they left. As an assistant, I had no papers to grade that I couldn’t get done in the day, and no planning to do.
Yes, I was underpaid and it wasn’t my idea job, but what this job allowed me to have a life outside of my job. It was during this time that my wife and I enjoyed our first two years of marriage, we got and raised Buffy and we had many great adventures together.
When I was interviewing for my current job four years ago and I was asked about working long hours and putting in time during weeknights and weekends, I didn’t give an enthusiastic, “yes, I’m willing to put in whatever time is necessary for this job.” Instead I told them that I had to talk to my wife.
I knew that this job was going to take more time outside of the workday than being an assistant but I didn’t want to completely lose having a life outside my job. I made it clear to this school that a work/life balance was important to me, and they still hired me.
My first year was an adjustment. I was one of those people who would stay later and I took pride in that. I volunteered for committees, met with other teachers after school and went to community events. I managed to be able to give a lot to this school while still having time at home. There were days that I would go home right after school, but since Diana usually got home later than I did, there wasn’t a strong feeling that I had to get home quickly. I could hang out after school for an hour and still get home with have enough time to get dinner on the table before Diana got home.
There are so many teachers at my school who put in the extra time that sometimes I felt that the teachers who got to school later than me and left earlier, weren’t pulling their weight.
Then Diana got pregnant and everything changed.
There was so much to do. Diana being pregnant would have taken up most of our time but on top of that we were trying to sell our condo and buy a house. While I needed to be home more, Diana could handle things if I had to work late. Now with Ollie being born, it all feels different.
Five minutes hanging out after school is five minutes less that I have with Ollie. After being away from him for a whole day, any extra time that I’m away is difficult. It’s not just the emotional stuff. Diana has things to get done and if I don’t get home at agreed upon times, it effects her job.
This year, I’ve left right after school more than I ever have. I don’t think this makes me a worse teacher or a less valuable part of the community. Now I feel ashamed for looking down at other teachers who I witnessed leaving right after school when I didn’t. Maybe they were slacking off, but much more likely they had as good a reasons as I do to get home.
I want to do a great job, but I want to be home with my son. This balancing act isn’t easy. This tension inside of myself has made me more thoughtful about the way I use my time at school. I want Ollie to know that the time that I choose to be away from him means something. I don’t want him to ever think that I care more about my kids at school than I care about him, and I hope that one day he'll understand that I am a better father for him because of the work I do at school.
It's hard to leave Ollie in the morning as he is waking up and it's hard to leave work after school with tasks left undone. However, I do this every work day and somehow its all working out, it's hard but I'm doing it.
As difficult as this is, I wouldn't give it up for anything. This challenge is a reminder of how blessed I am with a great job and a beautiful son.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Parenthood: Week 28 – Ollie On A Plane
As much as I was looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving, I wasn’t looking forward to taking Ollie on a plane. We’ve all heard the tortured screams of babies on a plane and seen their parents walking up and down the aisles desperately trying to calm their children down.
A plane ride is an uncomfortable situation for all of us. The close quarters, the smells, the sounds and the turbulence create a situation, which is challenging and exhausting. The coping mechanisms we have to get through the uncomfortable situation of being on a plane are inaccessible to infants.
Ollie doesn’t understand when we tell him that the experience will soon be over or that if he does certain things he will be more comfortable. For Ollie, he’s in a strange place with odd smells that is affecting his body in a way that he doesn’t know how to cope with.
This sets up a situation for a six month old like Ollie that can only go so well. He can only sleep for so long on the plane and he can only sit in our lap without fussing for so long. Ollie is too young to be entertained by watching Elmo on an iPad and is too old to sleep the length of the flight and not need stimulation.
Ollie cried, he slept for parts of it and Diana and I both took him up and down the aisles to entertain him. He ate through most of the corner of the emergency information card and he enjoyed ripping pages out of the in-flight magazine (I think he had issues with the quality of some of the articles).
We struggled to get him to sleep when he was cranky and somehow found success. At one point I had Ollie pressed up against my chest with both of our heads underneath a swaddle cloth with one hand pressing a pacifier to his mouth and the other hand holding my iPhone blasting a white-noise into his ear.
It wasn’t until after he fell asleep that I realized that I was sitting in an incredibly uncomfortable position. I was slouching so the small of my back took my body weight, my legs were propped up against the seat in front of me in an awkward angle and my arm was beginning to ache having to balance his body weight. Then I realized I had to go to the bathroom.
But I sat that way and let Ollie sleep on my chest for 45 minutes.
The hardest thing about flying with Ollie was the fact that Diana and I were constantly on. Usually on a plane you can relax and read a magazine. You can zone out in front of an iPad and chill out. When there’s a baby involved you are never relaxed and settled. Forget trying to get sleep, read a book or watch a show, you are one the ENTIRE time. This is exhausting.
Here’s a couple tips that worked for us with Ollie on the plane that helped us get through this experience:
Ollie already has more plane flights planed for this year. With family in Seattle and Chicago, this is just going to be part of his life. Yes, flying with Ollie was challenge but it was well-worth it.
Taking a baby on a plane is hard. Every parent has stories about struggling through this situation. Be realistic about your expectations and be thoughtful about your preparation. Don't forget, the most important thing, the thing that will help your child get through a plane flight is your attention, your calmness and your love.
A plane ride is an uncomfortable situation for all of us. The close quarters, the smells, the sounds and the turbulence create a situation, which is challenging and exhausting. The coping mechanisms we have to get through the uncomfortable situation of being on a plane are inaccessible to infants.
Ollie doesn’t understand when we tell him that the experience will soon be over or that if he does certain things he will be more comfortable. For Ollie, he’s in a strange place with odd smells that is affecting his body in a way that he doesn’t know how to cope with.
This sets up a situation for a six month old like Ollie that can only go so well. He can only sleep for so long on the plane and he can only sit in our lap without fussing for so long. Ollie is too young to be entertained by watching Elmo on an iPad and is too old to sleep the length of the flight and not need stimulation.
Ollie cried, he slept for parts of it and Diana and I both took him up and down the aisles to entertain him. He ate through most of the corner of the emergency information card and he enjoyed ripping pages out of the in-flight magazine (I think he had issues with the quality of some of the articles).
We struggled to get him to sleep when he was cranky and somehow found success. At one point I had Ollie pressed up against my chest with both of our heads underneath a swaddle cloth with one hand pressing a pacifier to his mouth and the other hand holding my iPhone blasting a white-noise into his ear.
It wasn’t until after he fell asleep that I realized that I was sitting in an incredibly uncomfortable position. I was slouching so the small of my back took my body weight, my legs were propped up against the seat in front of me in an awkward angle and my arm was beginning to ache having to balance his body weight. Then I realized I had to go to the bathroom.
But I sat that way and let Ollie sleep on my chest for 45 minutes.
The hardest thing about flying with Ollie was the fact that Diana and I were constantly on. Usually on a plane you can relax and read a magazine. You can zone out in front of an iPad and chill out. When there’s a baby involved you are never relaxed and settled. Forget trying to get sleep, read a book or watch a show, you are one the ENTIRE time. This is exhausting.
Here’s a couple tips that worked for us with Ollie on the plane that helped us get through this experience:
- Give your kid some baby Tylenol before the flight.
- Nurse or give your kid a pacifier on the way up and down (helps with the change in air pressure).
- Carry-on as a little as possible (except for diapers and wipes). It’s worth the extra fee to check bags in.
- Pack plastic bags.
Ollie already has more plane flights planed for this year. With family in Seattle and Chicago, this is just going to be part of his life. Yes, flying with Ollie was challenge but it was well-worth it.
Taking a baby on a plane is hard. Every parent has stories about struggling through this situation. Be realistic about your expectations and be thoughtful about your preparation. Don't forget, the most important thing, the thing that will help your child get through a plane flight is your attention, your calmness and your love.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Year 4: Week 14 – Learning To Embrace What I Can't Unknow
Once upon a time I came to this school and my world was the students that I taught and now it’s much bigger.
I’m on committees that have revealed to me the inner workings and politics of this school. The careful balancing act of priorities and the allocation of funds and resources create a pressure and a stress that I cannot escape. Even if I wasn’t responsible for being parts of these discussions and making decisions related to these issue,s I wouldn’t forget what I knew.
In the same way that you can never go home again, I can never go back to the way that I knew my school my first year I came here.
If this sounds like that I’m mourning my current situation, it’s because I’m exhausted. This past week I’ve had three afternoon meetings, which required high a level of my participation which was far from passive. I come home after being at school for ten hours and I don’t feel like I have much left and that’s difficult.
At the same time I enjoy my job and I feel I have a responsibility to contribute to this school in this way. The issues we are discussing are challenging and don’t have easy answers, but that’s one reason they are so stimulating to tackle. When I first started taking on this role, I felt like I didn’t have the perspective or the knowledge to being an active member of these discussions. I don’t feel like I have a choice anymore. When I’m representing the thoughts of people I represent, remaining quiet is not a choice.
Knowing the inner workings of my school has made me a better teacher. I have a better understanding of my role in the school and I can frame what I teach to my students in relation to the larger community. In some ways, my broader perspective hasn’t changed my teaching but it has changed the way I think and reflect on my craft. Everything I do is connected to the community.
However, it all feels crazy sometimes and it’s a lot to balance. At this stage in my life with Ollie waiting for me at home, it’s hard to be working late but it’s not like the work I’m doing is a waste of time. I know that I’m doing good things and while it doesn’t completely make me miss being at home, at least I feel good knowing that this time away from him means something.
This deeper and wider perspective of the school makes me feel like I understand so much more than I used and while sometime this knowledge seems like it is too much to handle, deep inside, I know that I got this.
With more knowledge comes more responsibility. With more responsibility come stress and pressure. However, there also comes more opportunities to make positive changes and have a wider impact on the school community. As tired as I am right now, it feels good to know that in some small way I’m making a difference.
I’m on committees that have revealed to me the inner workings and politics of this school. The careful balancing act of priorities and the allocation of funds and resources create a pressure and a stress that I cannot escape. Even if I wasn’t responsible for being parts of these discussions and making decisions related to these issue,s I wouldn’t forget what I knew.
In the same way that you can never go home again, I can never go back to the way that I knew my school my first year I came here.
If this sounds like that I’m mourning my current situation, it’s because I’m exhausted. This past week I’ve had three afternoon meetings, which required high a level of my participation which was far from passive. I come home after being at school for ten hours and I don’t feel like I have much left and that’s difficult.
At the same time I enjoy my job and I feel I have a responsibility to contribute to this school in this way. The issues we are discussing are challenging and don’t have easy answers, but that’s one reason they are so stimulating to tackle. When I first started taking on this role, I felt like I didn’t have the perspective or the knowledge to being an active member of these discussions. I don’t feel like I have a choice anymore. When I’m representing the thoughts of people I represent, remaining quiet is not a choice.
Knowing the inner workings of my school has made me a better teacher. I have a better understanding of my role in the school and I can frame what I teach to my students in relation to the larger community. In some ways, my broader perspective hasn’t changed my teaching but it has changed the way I think and reflect on my craft. Everything I do is connected to the community.
However, it all feels crazy sometimes and it’s a lot to balance. At this stage in my life with Ollie waiting for me at home, it’s hard to be working late but it’s not like the work I’m doing is a waste of time. I know that I’m doing good things and while it doesn’t completely make me miss being at home, at least I feel good knowing that this time away from him means something.
This deeper and wider perspective of the school makes me feel like I understand so much more than I used and while sometime this knowledge seems like it is too much to handle, deep inside, I know that I got this.
With more knowledge comes more responsibility. With more responsibility come stress and pressure. However, there also comes more opportunities to make positive changes and have a wider impact on the school community. As tired as I am right now, it feels good to know that in some small way I’m making a difference.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Parenthood: Week 27 - Ohana
Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgottenFor the past four years, Buffy has one of the most important parts of our lives. We chose to have Buffy be an active part of our lives and we are committed to making sure Buffy has a full and rewarding life.
-Lilo from Lilo & Stitch
If you have read my blog posts about Buffy during that first year, you know about the obedience classes, the adventures in the dog park, the time we spent training her and how we integrated Buffy into our lives. You also probably remember this blog post about Buffy going on a plane for the first time.
In her life Buffy has been on a plane about ten times. When we visit my family in Seattle, Buffy almost always comes with us. Before Ollie was born we talked about the possibility that Buffy might not be able to come to Seattle with us if we were bringing Ollie.
We knew things with Buffy would change when Ollie was born and they have. We don't do as many outings centered around Buffy and her walks are a little shorter. As much as we'd like to do an agility class with her again, right now we have our hands full. One of the thing that Diana didn't want to change was bringing Buffy to Seattle.
Of course I would love to bring Buffy with us, but I was worried having never flown with Ollie before. So last week as I was stressing out about traveling with Ollie for the first time to make it home for thanksgiving, I wrestled with whether or not it would be a good idea bring Buffy. Diana thought that it would be fine but she was willing to leave Buffy behind with her parents if it's would make me feel more relaxed about the trip. We've never had issues with Buffy on a plane, but I couldn't help feel that at some point our luck would run out.
Then I remembered "Ohana."
Lilo & Stitch is one of the greatest Disney animated films of all time. It centers around two sisters who live together after their parents die in a car crash. They struggle to stay as a family as an alien lands on earth and befriend Lilo. This idea of Ohana takes on different meanings as the film follows their struggle to make sense of the situation in their lives are in a understand what it means to be a family. For Lilo, family means, no one gets left behind and I didn't want to leave Buffy behind.
So we did it. We traveled as a whole family on Thanksgiving morning to Seattle. It wasn't easy (I'll write a blog post about taking Ollie on a plane later). But when I saw my mom's face light up when she hugged Ollie and then lovingly petted Buffy, everything felt right. Buffy is part of our family.
At some point, we will not be able to travel to my parents' house in Seattle with Buffy and Ollie. It's going to make me sad when we that happens but I will be happy to know that we did it when we could. Even though we will need to leave Buffy behind, she will have the memories of us traveling as a family to comfort her and the knowledge that we take her with us in our hearts wherever we go.
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