Year 6: Week 26 - Alone

But you are alone.

There’s the smile that you show your students. The excitement the enthusiasm and the wonder of music and then there’s what’s really going on with you on the inside.

In teaching you put on an act. You pretend to be engaged when you feel apathetic, you pretend to be excited when you are tired and you pretend to be present at times when your heart could and your minds could not be further away. In doing so, you are giving more to your students but pushing them away from who you really are at the same time. Surrounded by students, you are alone.

If you are in a bad mood for reasons that don’t have to do with school, then you have to suck it up, because you students don’t deserve your crankiness. You have to keep it together when things feel like they are falling apart. Unlike when you are with your, friends and family, you cannot be fully open and you cannot allow yourself to be fully venerable in front of your students. While you are human, it’s more important that you are a teacher.

Sometimes when you fake it, it changes how you feel, but more often than not it’s a roller coaster ride. You give yourself a moment, find that reservoir, and just go. For that class, you play your part and you feel the challenge, the dynamic exchange of energy and ideas. This drives you and propels you. The faces of the students draw you in, and their ideas make you think,

Then the students leave and once again you are alone.

This separation is essential. It reminds you that when students misbehave in class, or are disrespectful, that it’s not personal, because your students don’t know you. They should know things about you. They should know that you have a family, that you care about your job and that you care about them. If you feel so compelled, other things about yourself can be very powerful to share like your experience as a minority to a student feeling marginalized and alone.

You go home and share your day with your family and friends. Sometimes you have people close to you who are teaching, but more often than not you are a minority within groups of people you love.

These people cannot understand what you do. They will never get what it means to not have enough materials or resources to do your job right. They will never understand how much harder it is to not give 100% to a client that is a 8 year-old than a business associate half-way across the world. They will never understand these factors drives you to spend your own money on pencils for your students.

Late at night, while you are correcting papers and writing lesson plans your students are with you in your thoughts.  When you close your laptop, and finally decide to go to sleep, it’s not because you are done, it’s because even though you haven’t gotten nearly enough tasks off your to do list, you did the best you could.

Once again you are alone, finally having let the needs, and dreams of your students leave you as you prepare to sleep.  You are too tired to dream and there are too few hours to sleep until you rise before the light of the morning sun.

You do it again and again, because it is who you are. It is pride, joy, work and struggle. It’s about dedication to people over profit and individuals over self.  Feel alone, but don't forget that we are all out there feeling alone along with you fighting the good fight changing the world for the better, one lesson at a time.

Anthem

Parenthood: Week 142 - Center Of The Conversation

Sitting at the dinner table the other night, Diana and I were deep into a discussion about learning differences with our students and how to best address them. Ollie said, “daddy, stop talk!” and after we both paused, Ollie begun telling us about his day. He explained how someone had a potty accident during snack time at his school. Ollie was really proud to share this story with us and he repeated the story when he saw that he we were receptive asking follow-up questions.

First off, let’s just talk about the story itself. Ollie was not distressed about the story nor was he telling it in a humorous way. These kinds of potty accidents are a daily occurrences in a classroom where students are at different stages of potty training. Yes, it’s hilarious and kind of strange, but it’s Ollie’s reality. The matter of fact way that he told this story was a great reassurance that Ollie’s teachers were approaching potty training in an open and supportive way.

Now back to the real topic of this post . . .

Diana and I have always valued conversation as an important part of our relationships in our lives. We have prioritized nurturing Ollie’s voice sense the day he was born. Both of us talked to him all of the time as an infant and any way he communicated to us was met with great support.

As a toddler Ollie’s ability to express himself verbally is becoming more and more powerful. His vocabulary is exploding, he can speak with a variety of emotions and most important to me is that he is eager to communicate.

Ollie wants to be part of the dinner table conversations, and when we forget to ask him to join in, he will let us know that he wants to share something. During car rides, sometimes in moments only filled with music, he will start talking to me about something. There are very cute times when I hear him playing in another room explaining what he is doing to Buffy.

Many times when he is confused, he will resort to speaking to us in a tone that is not respectful and ultimately unproductive. We are careful when helping him calm down and try again to focus on him communicating more effectively while not discouraging him to express himself. This is difficult mid-tantrum, but with deep breathing exercises (done by myself and Ollie), we are making progress.

It’s important to remember that while toddlers sometimes sound like they know how to talk, they really have not developed many language skills we take for granted. They don’t know that they do not need to ask for something multiple times, they don’t realize how loud they are speaking and they don’t know that interrupting people is rude. There’s so much that we need to teach them, but these skills are some of the most important lessons they will ever learn.

I remember wondering what Ollie’s voice was going to sound like before he was born and hearing him talk is more wonderful than I imagined.  Ollie has so much to say and I'm so excited for him to have a voice at our dinner table and in the world.

Year 6: Week 25 – Cleaning Up After Politicians

The day after Barack Obama was elected to office of the President Of The United States, there was a fight at my school. Before school started a group a students were talking. Two students had opposing political positions and when their discussions escalated into a physical altercation. The students were using language that they heard somewhere else, from pundits, parents or other adults, that represented the worst of political rhetoric and not understanding the meaning and context of these words, they let each other have it.

These were 9-year olds.

In that moment I felt a feeling of shame at our country.  Is this what we have taught our children about politics?

As teacher, there are things that I enjoy about teaching during a run-up to a presidential election and things that I dread. As teachers it is our job to help students understand the world around them. When it comes to discussions about politics we have a responsibility to hold back our bias and make sure that we are not influencing students with own our personal political positions.

In past elections cycles, this hasn’t been that difficult. It’s not that difficult to explain different philosophical views on welfare.  This year has been different. When one of my eight graders came into my classroom dressed up like Donald Trump on Halloween and wanted to give a speech in front of the class, I told him no. I couldn’t risk him quoting one of Trump’s offensive racist or sexist comments in my classroom. While this could be interpreted as a partisan move, for me it had to do with the overarching goal of maintaining a safe space in my classroom.

Earlier this week, I had this conversation with a middle school student:

6th grader: Mr. Tang, what does Donald Trump mean when he says he wants to make America great again? 

Me: I honestly don't know. I can't think of another time I'd want to go back to that is better. 

6th grader: You wouldn't want to go back to time? Is there a time you would want to time travel to? 

Me: Maybe for a really short visit, but I don't really want to go back to a time when my marriage would be illegal and my son would be the only person of color in his class. 

6th grader: Yeah, that's a good point, I understand what you mean.

I hesitated to be this honest with this student, but I felt that he deserved an real answer. For me, this discussion was about being thoughtful and reflective on what this statement means for myself and many other people in this country. This discussion for me really wasn’t about politics but rather who I am as a human being and the important need to express this genuinely to my students.

Teacher have to play janitor for American children, cleaning up after the messes that our culture leaves behind. I’ve had to explain to students why people still buy Chris Brown’s music after he beat Rihanna. I’ve helped students understand why sexist jokes from Family Guy cannot be repeated in school. I’ve explicated misogynistic rap lyrics and I’ve had discussions with Asian students who don’t understand why no one is making a big deal about Chris Rock’s horribly offensive Asian jokes at the Oscars.

And now, I’m dealing with this disgusting mess of xenophobia, racism and misogyny that Donald Trump is expelling into our culture.

It’s the job and I’m glad that I can be there for my students, but I'm also annoyed, and irritated that people aren't being more conscientious in how this immature and irresponsible political rhetoric is effecting our children.

My students deserve better, your children deserve better.

This isn't about right vs. left.

It's about right vs. wrong.    

Parenthood: Week 141 - Visiting Ollie's Class

I’ve taught a 150-piece high school marching band. I’ve conducted the Northwestern University Basketball Pep band. I’ve taught students with special needs how to read. I’ve directed my entire school community in song and with little preparation I’ve given speeches in front of 70 eight graders.

Teaching has brought me into many different situations in my life, which is one reason I love my profession. But it’s fatherhood that brought me in front of a class of toddlers.

As a teacher, I’ve been blessed with amazing parent volunteers, so when Ollie’s school encouraged parents to volunteer, I was eager to give back. We signed up to bring food for the class pet, and brought a dish to the family potluck. When I realized that I had a couple days off when Ollie was in school, I volunteered to come into Ollie’s classroom and do my music teacher thing for Ollie’s class.

I’ve taught groups of students from ages 4 and up and I live with a toddler, but I have never taught a group of toddlers.  I worked on a couple songs together, packed some little bell shakers for the kids and brough my guitar.

As I walked in towards Ollie’s classroom, I heard the students coming in from recess and transitioning to being inside. Ollie saw me and gave me a smile but then turned his attention to his boots. He took them off along with his jacket and hat and hung them up in his cubby with a focus and purpose that I’ve rarely seen at home when it comes to transitioning from being outside.

Along with Ollie, we went into this classroom and I settled in on the carpet in the back of the room. As I sat there with my guitar, Ollie’s classmates started coming in, and sat in front of me. I looked up at Ollie’s teacher and said “I’ll start with something calm, since the just came in from recess,” and she replied, “You really are a teacher, aren’t you?”

I improvised a call and response song about animals in their environment and added some hand motions. The students were responsive but they were unsure of what to do with me. Ollie has his back turned to me, but he was singing along.

We did a song about doing certain movements and then stoping. I sang “Aiken Drum” and asked for suggestions of different kinds of food, some of which weren’t food like “plastic,” but I went with it anyways and we had some fun shaking the little bell instruments I fast and slow.

I tried to really focus my attention around the room and not focus too much on Ollie.  I was worried that he would get confused and want to sit on my lap as I tried to teach. But he behaved as if I was any other teacher.

We told Ollie a couple days earlier that I was going to come into his class with my guitar and play music. Ollie was really excited about this as it was all he was talking about at school during the days leading up to my visit.

After I was done, Ollie explained to one of his friends that I was going to take him home. She tried to tell him, while patting him on the back with care, that he was staying for lunch, but Ollie explained with pride that I was taking him home.

As I was putting Ollie into his car seat, I told him how much I enjoyed bringing my guitar and playing music for his class.  I told him “Ollie, I am so proud of you. You are doing such a good job at school!”

Ollie responded with a smile, “I’m proud of you too daddy.”

Year 6: Week 24 – Fundamentals

One of the things that I noticed at our festival was how much time the clinicians spent on teaching fundamentals. The students were really responsive to this work, but I wasn’t sure how they would respond to me teaching them these things. It’s one things to respond to a guest, it’s another thing to do this work with me as their regular teacher.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do teach fundamentals. We go over posture, instrument carriage, breathing and embouchure formation. However when we get into the groove of preparing for a performance, sometimes I let these things slide in the desire of getting music learned and polished.

It’s a tricky balance between spending time on fundamentals and getting to playing music. With my beginning 6th grade band, if I waited until the fundamentals were mastered before letting the play, it would take weeks before we’d get to play songs. Without the carrot of the music, students aren’t motivated to work on fundamentals and they don’t really see the point of this kind of work.

Part of what I realized is that not all fundamentals are created equal. Some band director’s stress having the students put their instruments to their face when the director puts their hands up with militaristic precision. I have up on trying to get my kids to do this. It didn’t make sense to my students as improving their playing and my school community isn’t impressed with this kind of display.

My students aren’t really convinced by doing something because of "the way it is done."  A lot of performance practices with concert bands fall into this category. Only when I can make connections between sitting up straight, breath support and a better tone do my students put effort into fundamentals of playing.

I was pleasantly surprised at how receptive my students were this week about going back and talking about how to sit straight, the way breathing works and how important it was to hold your instrument correctly. They immediately hear how much better they sound when they think about these things. Here’s the thing, it’s not like, them sitting up all the sudden opens up their airstream and they play in tune. It’s the attention and care they put into their preparation before playing that puts them into a focused mindset that translates into a higher quality of playing.

We've got a lot of music to learn to get ready for upcoming performances but I’m committed to not letting fundamentals go. This may mean that my students learn less music but I think it’ll be worth it in the long run.

And they will look better in the process.

Parenthood: Week 140 - I Will

I just changed my tune and no one seems to notice, but you will.

I love being a parent, but I don’t love everything about being a parent. There are days filled with tantrums, crying and stress. Then there are days when parenting feels wonderful, when the world you share with your child is all that you need. Last Tuesday was one of those days. 

And the first thing on my mind when I arise.

My school has mid-winter break, a week off in the middle of February. Leading up to this week, Diana and I had been talking a lot about potty training. We both agreed that we wanted to jump off the deep end and do a series of days of intensive potty training to really help get Ollie going.

Saturday before my week off, we went to a toddler Valentines Day party. A couple parents there had done the intensive potty training thing and they all explained that it really wasn’t that bad. With Diana taking the lead and our friends encouragement we went for it. I wrote this blog post about day two of potty training. Diana and I were both home, it went well. The next I faced a day of potty training by myself.

I know it don't come easy but I love you, I do.

Usually when I spend time with Ollie alone it’s just for half the day, not the whole day. More often than not, I will take Ollie somewhere like the library or the grocery store. Often during that time I try to get stuff done around the house, like cook dinner or do the laundry. The nature of potty training meant that I really had to pay attention to Ollie so I resolved not to do any chores, not to check my phone and to give my full attention to Ollie the entire day.

Ollie got up in the morning, I got him on his potty, he went, we celebrated, and the day was on. I made him some oatmeal for breakfast, and let him scoop out the oatmeal and stir in the brown sugar. Whenever we make oatmeal I let him stick his finger in the brown sugar jar to get a taste. This time Ollie tried to stick his whole fist in the sugar, but I caught him trying, he giggled and happily licked his finger. I cooked myself a fried egg and rice (a traditional Chinese breakfast), and Ollie asked for me to hold him while I ate. This is something that Ollie often asks Diana to do, which can annoyingly get in the way of eating. I didn't mind as Ollie had never asked me to do this before.

I can try and I won't find it where I'm looking.

Throughout the day, we did activities together. When he colored with crayons, so did I. We built some block towers together, worked on arts projects, read books together, watched a little television and danced. Throughout all of this, I made Ollie regularly sit on the potty and he made good progress getting more comfortable using the potty.

There were a couple moments when Ollie got frustrated but overall he was in a good mood. Then about halfway through the day it hit me. The entire morning Ollie had my undivided attention. Even when were playing in parallel, he still felt my presence focusing on him.

I will do the right thing I will.

I wonder how many times when Ollie is frustrated if he is simply fighting for my attention. Ollie has to learn how to not having my attention all of the time, that’s part of growing up, but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be moments when he can have all of my attention.

When you focus all of your attention on your child, it’s amazing what you realize. Ollie is growing up so fast. His vocabulary is amazing, he’s creative, and funny and he asks great questions. More than anything else, Ollie just wanted to do things with me. There was something so beautifully simple about what made him happy.

I'm sure that you want me to learn from you.

When I woke him up and made him go to his potty, I promised that he could go back in the crib when he was done. After he did his business, I put him back into his crib and he curled up around his pillow. "Ollie, do you want to hear some music?" "Yes," he replied. I scrolled through my iPad looking for something calm and came to "I Will" by Brandi Carlile. When the song was done, Ollie asked me to play it again. After the third time through, I put it on repeat.

Ollie asked me to come into his crib, so I climbed in. For almost half an hour Ollie giggled and cuddled up against me as we listened to Brandi Carlisle's voice soar through mountains and valleys of melody over and over again.  As Ollie rested his head against my chest, I whispered along with Carlile's singing into Ollie’s ear, with a prayer in my breath and a promise in my voice: 

I have to say that I'm proud to know you 
And I'll never ben the same because we met.
You might not miss this
I will, I will I will.