The Third 100 Miles

My 300th mile was not at my first 5K as I planned. It was two weeks later on a rainy April day in during of the most physically exhausting and spirit-crushing runs I’ve ever experienced. As miserable as that run was, somehow it made sense.

Buffy & I at the 5K!

Like my first 100 miles I managed to get this this hundred miles done in about three months, (unlike the second hundred which took four and a half months). I signed up for a 5K that was going to be held on my birthday as a my birthday present to myself.

Having a 5K to work towards really is a great motivator to stay on program and get outside and run. I went to my favorite running store, Fleet Feet and bought some gear to run outside. For the most part I run inside but this 5K was going to be outside and the weather in March in Chicago could get cold so I needed to prepare myself.

The lady at Fleet Feet was really nice as she picked out pants from the tightest fit to the more modest pair and gave me a tutorial on how to layer in cold weather. The first time I put on these clothes, especially the tight stuff I was apprehensive but it felt good and it seemed to make sense, so I got about too outfits of outside running gear.

At first I wasn’t sure about wearing tight running gear but when you actually run in this kind of a outfit it really feels right and honestly, it looks worse to wear shorts over tights then to just where tights by themselves.  And if someone thinks I look ridiculous when I run, so what, I’m making miles happen.

I had my outfits, I did some cold weather runs that felt pretty good and then the 5K came. I wasn’t really nervous. I had done the 5K distances as my standard running workout so I knew I could handle it. What I wasn’t ready for was all of the people.

I started towards the back and after a mile of passing people, I realized that ths was real. This was the first time I ran in a group of people and while managing the traffic patterns was tough at times, the energy was fantastic.

I finished 433 out of 1457 and beat my best 5K time by 6 minutes. While this was a big deal, it all felt a little anti-climactic.  I was happy I had done this but all of the hours and miles didn’t add up to one big pay off.

As I worked my way up to the big 300th mile the following two weeks it started to make sense. Each run had its own pay off which it's why its such an powerful thing to run. What made me proud wasn’t the 5K, but knowing that I had stuck with a work-out program for nine months. Each mile was simply a step in a journey that I have yet to complete.

I’m not sure what the future holds for me with running. I’ll probably do another 5K in the future, maybe a 10K. We'll see.  A lot can happen in 100 miles.

This past week I wasn’t able to get a run in. Every time I saw someone running I was jealous.  Today, I finally got a run in which felt like a gift to myself as I worked my way to 400.

Year 3: Week 29 - Preparing To Leave

It’s amazing how much more productive I was this week with my shadow at my side.

The person covering my paternity leave was with me this week and followed me around to get to know my job and my kids. Nothing will make you work more diligently than having someone with you watching how you work. It’s not that I was trying to prove anything to her, but of course I wanted to put on a good face and her being here reminded of how much I had to do to prepare to leave.

The hardest part about this paternity leave is that I don’t know when it’s going to start. The plan is for me to leave once Diana goes into labor which could be anywhere between now and the last week of school. Recently, I was really worried about the fact that I would have to make detailed lesson plans from now until the end of the year. That’s a lot of work that I didn’t really have time to do.

After meeting my substitute and working with her, my mind is much more at ease. She’s not the kind of teacher who needs detailed lesson plans from me and she gets the way students learn and how to pace the class.  All she needs curricular materials and outline of concepts and skills.

I’m caught up with the fact that on some level I want it all. Coming up there’s concerts, performances and the events that mark the end of the year that I really want to be a part of. At the same time, not having to deal with the work and the stress of these events and being able to focus on my baby seems like a great trade-off and one that I would embrace. It’s just tough right now telling kids that I may not be there for these important events.

With my baby boy in my arms on the night of our spring concert, will I even be thinking about that performance? I like to think that I would without dwelling on it and simply feel at peace knowing that my kids at school are being well taken care of while I’m at home taking of my baby.

I love my kids at school, and I know my feeling for my own kid will be different, but I’m excited to find out how that feels and what that means. There will be lines that need to be drawn between my students and my own child, there will be priorities that need to be adjusted and sometimes it’s going to be tough.

Right now, I’m feeling better than I ever have about taking my leave knowing that I have a competent substitute and that she has all the information from me that she needs to step right in when I make my exit. At the same time, I feel a little sad about leaving. One of my third graders asked me if I could tell my baby to come later so that she wouldn’t have to miss me when I go.   How can you hear that and not feel something?

Anyways, I know that this leave will be for the best, not only for my personal life but my school. It was a maternity leave that gave me one of the most important teaching experiences of my career and allowed me to contribute things that were meaningful to my students.

Whenever you're ready to come little guy, I'll be there for you with all of my time, attention and my love.

Coming Soon. . . Part 1

Anything Like Me by Brad Paisley

Before Brad Paisley was known for being an accidental racist all over the blogosphere, he was known by his fans and critics as one of the most creative and important forces in country music as well as mainstream popular music.

Paisley is one of the best representatives of country music paying tribute to his country music forefathers in songs like “This Is Country Music,” while composing clever songs about modern topics like “Online.” While Paisley’s music is full of humor his most powerful works are about his personal life.

I don’t really remember “Anything Like Me,” from Paisley’s 2009 album, American Saturday Night. It wasn’t until I heard this song on his greatest hits collection Hits Alive did the song really strike a chord with me (if you’ve been keeping up to date with this blog, the reasons to you will be obvious).



The opening of this song is exactly how I felt when I found out Diana was pregnant. You better believe when we found that it was boy, there were tears in our eyes. It wasn’t so much that we were happier that it was a boy, it just made it seem that much more real.

Brad works this his feelings of fear knowing that this boy will do the same things that he will which were a pain for his parents. My feelings of apprehension had to do with the fact that I wasn’t sure that I could father a boy.

After unpacking these feelings and my ideas about manhood partially through my “To Be A Man,” posts I’ve become more comfortable about raising a son. I’m still worried about it, but I’m beginning to see that I’ll be just fine.

Paisley lovingly sings about all of the things he thinks his son will do which he did, which will lead to him, probably like his own dad, loosing his temper. He envisions his son growing up and the little things he does wrong as being exactly that: little things.

My son may not play football but if he’s like me, he’ll have a first piano recital, get hooked on video games, read too many comic books and will fracture his elbow before a school dance but got to that dance anyways (that actually happened).

Paisley sings about this as “payback,” but the love and peace in his voice makes it seem like that he is looking forward to all of this.  It is comforting to know that while fatherhood is overwhelming, it is something I am blessed to get to experience.

The last verse is one of the most incredible turnarounds I’ve heard in a song. So far the things that the son will do if he’s anything like Brad have mostly been things that cause difficulties in life.  In the bridge, Brad sings about his son loving him (and hating him) and leaving the house. He’ll seem like he wants to go but that he’ll cry leaving home. Brad closes the songs singing “he’ll be alright, if he’s anything like me.”

This ending puts this whole idea in perspective. It’s about being confident in yourself and knowing that since you turned out okay, therefore your son will too. If my son gets the worst parts of me, he’ll also get the best parts as well and that’s a pretty amazing thing to think about.

I don’t have the confidence that our kid will be alright if he’s "anything like me." I know that it’s silly at this point in my life to feel a lack of confidence, but right now there’s a lot of things swirling around in my life. Especially with this fatherhood stuff, there’s just so much that is going to be new.

I told Diana recently that I have no doubts about her ability to be an amazing mother, but that I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle fatherhood. She told me that she has never doubted my ability to handle difficult situations. You know what? I guess my son will be alright because if he’s anything like me he’ll have a partner in his life like Diana who will believe in him in ways beyond his own confidence and his imagination.

Year 3: Week 28 - Sharing The News

A list of name suggestions from one of my 5th graders.

Because I'm a man,  I have the luxury of deciding how and when I share the news about my wife being pregnant. I'm not "showing," and which allowed me to share this exciting news with my school community on my own terms.

Around Thanksgiving and I told my administration and my human resources about the baby because I wanted to give them some time to plan for my leave. I also told teachers who were close friends.

The reason that I didn't share my news with the wider school community was first to be pragmatic. Parents and kids would want to know what the plan is for my leave. Also, this was during the end of the first trimester and I just didn't feel ready to have this news be part of my daily interactions and conversations with people.

Once the job posting for my paternity leave got posted, the ball got rolling. After it was posted a couple coworkers noticed and figured out it was me. Also, the baby was Facebook official at that time and I have a good amount of my coworkers as Facebook friends so it spread through those avenues. Even with all of those people knowing and the news spreading, many people were still surprised when I announced the news during a faculty meeting.

It was exciting to hear people respond and be supportive, but it was what I expected. They were adults, they knew what to say and many of them are parents themselves. I was much more nervous to tell my students.

I waited until after we hired my paternity substitute and set up for her to come next week to shadow me to tell my kids. I didn't want to make them sad because I was announcing that I was leaving. It's a really tough thing to know that I'm not going to see my kids all the way through to the end of the year, but my personal life takes priority here and I'm okay with that. This doesn't change the prospect of seeing sad eyes.

When I told my students across the different grades (3rd, 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th), there was a resounding exclamation of excitement. Some students were confused: "you can't have a baby, your are too young (3rd grader)" and yes, I did get some kids who were sad about the idea that I would be leaving. That quickly dissipated as kids got excited about suggesting baby names.

The first class I told exploded with baby name suggestions so during following classes I actually told them that I would give them the opportunity to do this, which made for a more appropriate discussion.  Kids also asked to see baby pictures and one kids said that she thought that I was going to be a good dad. . . which made my heart melt.

It was really special to see how excited my students were for me and the support they showed through their enthusiasm was heartwarming.  The fact that they are rooting for me makes me feel not as bad about leaving my kids for my paternity leave and I'm looking forward to returning in the fall and sharing stories and pictures of my baby boy.

Buffy Portraits - March 2013

I DOAN UNDERSTAND DIS CRIBS?!?

BEAN IN BLACK AN WITE IZ VRY TIRIN!!!

IS NED LAWTS OV PILLOWS!!!!

THARS NO DAWGGY HIDIN UNDR TEH TABLE!!!!

SOMETIMEZ MAH EARS R SIDEWAYS!!!

Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley (feat LL Cool J) - Part 2: The Hope

Now let’s talk about what everyone is focusing on: the lyrics.

I don’t think a kid who buys a Lynard Skynrd t-shirt at Target has any idea about the cultural baggage that is attached with the Confederate flag on that shirt. I also don’t think most kids when they where baggy pants have any idea what message that sends people. It’s not just kids, most adults have issues understanding the messages they are putting across.

Should we know better? Yes, but do we? Not always.

Brad offended a guy with his t-shirt when he went to Starbucks. It wasn’t his intention. But he realizes that maybe there’s something wrong and instead of blowing off this “can of worms” he takes it as a opportunity to have a conversation.

The chorus is all about understanding and accepting who you are which is the first step in having any kind of meaningful dialogue about race. He is Caucasian, and he’s from the south. He has no personal responsibility for slavery, Jim Crow laws and the sins of people who came before him. This line of thinking sometimes leads to people not taking responsibility for the past but Paisley does, acknowledging that they are still “picking up the pieces” and that he is torn between “southern pride and southern blame.”

Atticus Finch had it right. You have a walk a mile in another person’s shoes but you can’t in practice. I will never know what it’s like to walk down the street as a woman and I will never know what it’s like for my son to be mixed-race. We can try but we’ll never know and Brad points this out in the second verse.

LL’s angle is different. He brings up some stereotypes and how he thinks that we shouldn’t judge too quickly because of the clothing someone's wears. Like the point Brad makes in the chorus, he says that he wasn’t there during Sherman's march but that he also takes responsibility for the pre-judgment that he makes.

Then LL says that he wants to buy him a beer to have a chat to clear the air. Some people have criticized this line for trivializing racial issues with such a simplistic solution. LL isn’t saying that all issues can be solved this way but some can. And reaching with a gesture of good will to someone who is projecting things that you are uncomfortable with like the confederate flag is an enormous and powerful way to make progress.

At the end Brad and LL throw lines back and forth at each other. They aren’t trying to equate chains of slavery with gold chain necklaces or do-rags with the confederate flag. They are explaining their perspective. Some of this isn’t pretty and some of it is a little unsettling but that’s okay. “RIP Robert E. Lee, but I gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me. . . ” can be interpreted as a loaded or simply an acknowledgement of differences which must be acknoledged in order for a dialogue to be meaningful.

What’s concerning is that these two artists Brad Paisley and LL Cool J did something that was brave and important and instead of being praised they got heat.

My son is coming into this world in about a month. He’s coming into a society where we aren’t comfortable talking about racial issues and we don’t feel able to address the tensions within ourselves. Brad and LL bucked the trend through trying to make a world where we can move forward without forgetting the past.  Through acknowledging the tensions and the the misunderstandings we can find common ground to reach a higher level of shared humanity.

Even though this song may be mediocre, the spirit of what Brad Paisley and LL Cool J expressed in "Accidental Racist," gives me hope for my son, myself and all of us.