Bobby Jean by Bruce Springsteen

One of my first interactions with Susan was during a marching band rehearsal. We were marching in a grid form and she was right in front of me. As we were marching I noticed that Susan was doing something wrong, it was a either a misstep or something wrong with her posture. It’s been too long for me to remember exactly what I said, but the way I said it had enough sarcasm or harshness to make Susan quit marching band that very day.

Now I wasn’t exclusive reasons that Susan quit band that year but I was the straw that broke the camels back. Honestly, I only vaguely recall this happening and it wasn’t until Susan brought this up years later that I remembered this instance at all.

Even with this rocky beginning to our friendship, Susan looked past this and we starting talking Susan in the dorm cafeteria and during social activities at her sorority and my fraternity. We were in the same social group and before long we became close friends.

I loved Susan’s enthusiasm, honesty and most of all her genuine belief in the goodness of the world. Even when she was sad or complaining about something in her life, there was always a spark, a light in her eyes that made me feel better and more hopeful about the world around me.

Then I met Diana, who soon joined the sorority that Susan was a member of. Both of them were active in the leadership of the house however, they disagreed on certain issues which caused tension between them (Diana and Susan have long sense reconciled these differences). Diana confided in me her frustrations with Susan and asked me to talk to Susan about their disagreement.

Instead of talking to Susan on Diana’s behalf, I found myself talking to Susan less and not hanging out with her as much. It was still early in my relationship with Diana and I felt this was a way I could take Diana’s side without betraying my friendship with Susan. Now I don’t know if I acted correctly, I’m not sure if I should have intervened in Diana’s behalf and I don’t know if it was fair to Susan to dissolve our friendship like that. I did the best I knew how to at the time but I never felt like I did enough.

By the end of the school year, there was a space between Susan and I felt like I wanted to say something to her. I wrote her a letter because there were things I wanted to tell her that I didn’t feel like I could say to her face. I also made her a mix CD of music that reminded me of her.

When I found her in her room packing up a couple days before graduation, it felt like months since we last talked. I awkwardly gave her the note and the mix CD and left her room. About halfway down the stairs I realized that Susan deserved more than me just dropping off a letter, she needed to her what I had to say, not from my letter but from me. I turned around knocked on the door and found her about to open the letters.

I sat down and read the letter to her. I remember looking down at the words I had written and never once looking up to Susan afraid of how she would react to everything I had written. Through the letter, I told her how much I enjoyed the moments we shared and how much I wished that things could have been different. I didn't tell her all of these things to change her mind about the situation or to bring her back to being a friend. I just wanted her to know that I missed her and I cared about her.

After I was done reading the letter I looked up and saw Susan crying, which in turn caused me to tear up. I don’t remember any words that we said at that moment but I do remember standing up, Susan and I sharing a hug and Susan gently kissing me on the cheek. In that moment, after months of thinking about Susan with regret and fearing what she thought of me, I knew it was okay.

There were many songs on the mix CD but the one that encapsulated everything I felt, everything I wanted to say was “Bobby Jean.” Springsteen tells a girl how much she meant to him after a break-up not in an attempt to get her back but to let her know how much he will alway cares about her. Back then, whenever I heard this song I thought of all I wanted to say to her, everything that I feared I could never make Susan understand.

Years later when I hear this song I simply think of the light in Susan’s eyes and I find myself smiling at the thought of my friend.