The Islander – Part 8: Girl-friends vs. Girlfriends

One of the things that I missed the most about high school and college are my girl-friends.

For this post, I’m making a distinction between “girlfriends” a person that a male-identified straight person has as a romantic and sexual partner, and a “girl-friend,” who is platonic female identified friend to a male-identified straight person. I’m not saying that Gay identified men do not have “girl-friends,” but taking account to my positionality, and the point of this post, we are talking about what it means for a straight guy (me) to have girl-friends high school.

Recently, I made a list of all of my close friends in high school and about a quarter of them were men.

In high school the social environment gave me more freedom to interact socially with woman then in my adult life. There were more corners of schools, conversations in hallways, and situations in music classes that provided me the time and space to hang out with my girl-friends. As an adult, I have found less and less that there is socially accepted for me to hang out with women who are friends. In block parties, I find all of the women are talking in a group, and all of the men segregate themselves into a separate group. Think about it for a second, for me as a married man, to ask another married woman out to go watch a movie is usual, and raises eye-brows.

My connection to women as friends goes all the way back to my mother. She has been an amazing mother all my life, but she has also been a close friend. She would listen to me talk about all kinds of things, and helped me discover many of the things I loved about myself. Many of my favorite activities as a child were associated with my mom like grocery shopping, and cooking in the kitchen.

I didn’t connect with other boys as a young child. Most of them were into sports, and I wasn’t. Hanging out with them in recess never worked out so well, because the talk and activities were sports-centric. In girls, I found people, like my mom, who were as interested in talking about life as much as I did.

In Montessori kindergarten, one of my best friends was a little white girl with curly hair. We would play all of the time together. She would lead me around the room, and at some point, she kissed me. This was all confusing, but what I did get is that my life made more sense with her as a friend.

Middle School was more of the same. I did eventually join up with a group of guys one year younger than me who were into comic books, (which I loved at that age) than sports. We would talk comics during recess as opposed to playing sports. While this developed, I found strong connections with girls during class, and the in the hallways.

I knew at this age that it wasn’t normal to have girl-friends. I don’t remember other kids making comments to me about this in middle school, but I do remember some teachers having a laugh about how “chummy” I was with some girls. It wasn’t until high school where this starting feeling more and more out of place.

My Friendships With Women or "Why I have no issues eating along with other women."

In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either. 

From Karen Pence is the vice president’s ‘prayer warrior,’ gut check and shield by Ashley Parker

This sentence from Ashley Parker’s article about Karen Pence has stayed in my mind for the past couple weeks. While people made jokes about this view on cross-gender social interactions, I was once more reminded about how I am a minority.

In additional being Asian-American, shorter than average height, a guy who’s not into sports, a teacher, a male teacher, agnostic, a man who enjoys cooking, and a guy who is a proud feminist, most of my close friends throughout my life have been women.

When Harry Met Sally brought up the question about whether men and women could be friends, but since then, this questioned has left our cultural consciousness.



In the almost thirty years we have made great progress as a culture normalizing and accepting minorities (e.g. Gay culture, people who are transgender, comic book geeks, stay-at-home dads). However this quote, is a reminder that we still have a lot to learn about and accept about platonic friendship between men and women.

I’ve been reading different articles, blogs and websites about this idea that men and women can’t be or shouldn’t be socializing alone as friends. It mostly refers to married people. The common undercurrent is that people cannot control themselves around people of the opposite sex and that people are unable to look past sexuality when interacting alone with someone of the opposite sex.

These assertions express to men that they don’t have to work to look beyond sexuality when interacting with women. It reinforces the misperception that when women are friendly, they must be flirting and it further stratifies our society. As Dan Savage pointed out in this recent podcast, separated men and women cuts women out of important business meetings and reinforces the boys club mentality, where business gets done in a male-only country club setting over a golf course.

The other issue that is raised is perceptions. People don’t want others to perceive that they are cheating on their spouse. I don’t care about that When you have to regularly to deal with your racial identity like when a waiter assumes the Caucasian guy sitting next to you is your wife’s husband, you stop caring what someone else might think if you go out to lunch with a woman who is not your wife.

Not all guys are going to have as many women friends as I do. That’s fine. If this is based on lack of mutual interests or other social factors, no big deal. However to decide that you are never going to socialize alone with women is like saying that you never hang out with Asian people alone because you are worried that they will have too thick of an accent and you can’t understand them.

I am not going to claim on being an expert on how to meet women, but I’m proud of my ability to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife, which has lasted fifteen years. I credit a lot of this success to the friends I’ve had in my life who were women. You are a lot more likely to have a successful relationship with your wife, if you have had successful friendships with other women.

I don’t expect people to immediately move past gender roles and social norms. However, I hope that sentence made some people think about the friends they have and the friends they don’t because they were told that boys and girls can’t be friends.

I feel so grateful to all of the women who broke past gender norms to be my friend. In high school, I got bullied for these friendships and I’m sure my friends got some weird comments too. In college these were women who didn’t hesitate to pull me into the conversation when I was the only guy at the table and always welcomed me into their dorm rooms when I knocked. In adulthood, these are women who along with their kids don’t hesitate to meet up for a playdate with Ollie and me when Diana is busy.

A big part of this is my wife, Diana who has embraced this part of who I am and has never gotten in the way of these relationships. This is further proof that more than anything else Diana is my best friend.

Yes, it sucks to be reminded that you are a minority, but in the past couple weeks, I have been reminded of all of the great friendships I’ve had with women in my life. I’m going to hold on to all the warm feelings that these memories bring me and text one of my friends, a women and see if she wants to hang out.

Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen

As I said goodbye to Allie, I tried to say something honest and real but instead all I could muster was awkward reassurances. Allie was moving away and like any big change in life, the feeling was bittersweet. There was the excitement of new opportunities mixed with letting go of the life that came before.

One of the things about going to a college that attracts people from all over the country is that you become friends with people who in the years after college move away.  My late twenties seemed to be marked with having to say goodbye to friends.

Saying goodbye always feels unfinished. There is never enough time to say what you want. You tell yourself that it doesn’t matter if you get it all out because you'll "be in touch," however that's not always the case.  As easy as a cell phone call or an e-mail can be, sometimes keeping in touch with those we care about fall to the corners of our lives.

While we said our goodbyes the silences between our words were filled with the joyous singing of Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing In The Dark.” Like a guiding spirit, his presence helped me get through that moment and listening to this song afterwards revealed to me feelings I always had but couldn't articulate.



“Dancing In The Dark,” is Springsteen’s most successful single that led to the sales of Born In The U.S.A. This song, packed with 1980s synthesizers feels completely different than the passionate and operatic rock of Born To Run. While people seemed to revel in this song, the happy melody and harmony juxtaposed against the disturbingly dark lyrics like “I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face,” never really made sense to me.

Something changed when I listened to this song and thought about Allie. The lines about the challenges of life seemed to take a back seat to the lyrics about hope:

Message keeps getting clearer . . . 
There’s something happening somewhere. . .
I’ll shake this world off my shoulders, come on baby this laughs on me.

These lines reflect why I admire Allie and why I am proud to be her friend.  While Allie has been blessed with a wonderful life, she has had challenges. When life has knocked her down, Allie gets right back up, and with a smile keeps on.  Never a victim, Allie lives life with the wind on her back and the sun upon her face.

In darkness, like in life there is much to fear.  You can’t predict the future and it’s impossible to truly see what’s around you in the darkness. So you have a choice: you can sit in the darkness petrified by uncertainty or you can stand up and dance.

Allie chooses to dance.

None of this came out as I said goodbye because I didn’t really want to think about what it meant for Allie to move away. Now that I have, I think it’s okay that things were left unfinished. This friendship isn’t ending so why should a goodbye feel complete?

Allie, best of luck in your new place with your new job, I’ll see you in September when Bruce rocks Wrigley.

One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men

To mourn the death of my goldfish Winston Tang, my brother and I posted songs about death on his facebook page.  Buffy’s contribution to this remembrance was “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Care & Boyz II Men.



SRY, I HAS NEVR TOLD U,
ALL I WANTD 2 SAY
AN NAO IZ 2 LATE 2 HOLD U
CAUSE UVE FLOWN AWAY SO FAR AWAY

You know how there are songs that if you don’t know means that you literally lived under a rock during a certain time period? “One Sweet Day” is one of those songs. Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men joined forces at the peak of their popularity to record this unforgettable song of mourning in 1995. “One Sweet Day” topped the charts for a record 16-weeks making it the longest running number 1 song ever. It sold over two million units making it one of the most successful pop songs of the year and the decade.

Carey, Boyz II Men and Walter Afanasieff wrote this song about people in their lives they had lost to AIDs. Instead of creating a depressing song focusing on the sorrow of death, Carey and Boyz II Men made a joyous expression about looking forward to that “One Sweet Day” when they would be reunited with the ones that they loved.

The production of this song is slick and clean. It has that 1990s sheen that so much pop music had back then. Sometimes this comes off as cheesy and dated but something about this song makes it work. Mariah does a beautiful job of adapting her voice to this song stripping away any level of sensuality to a more personal and soulful performance.

Three of the Boyz II Men take solos. The one that always gets to me is Wanya. Usually I prefer Nathan’s, who opens this song, but there’s something about Wanya’s bridge. I’m not a big fan of huge gospel glissandos between phrases but Wanya makes it work. He never looses sight of the main melody and the way he ends the phrase is a perfect transition into Carey’s voice.

Yeah, I used this song as a joke.  This probably was due to the overexposure I experienced listening to this song in the 90s.  Coming back to this song years later, after loosing people in my life, I am grateful for this song.  The best music doesn’t always rise to the top in the music industry but “One Sweet Day” is an example of a song that did. The song is well-crafted, the singing is strong and the meaning behind the song is beautiful.  

Although, the sun will never shine the same,
I'll always look to a brighter day.    

You Gotta Be by Des’ree

As graduation season comes into full swing people start thinking about songs to address this transition in life. Often people think about “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) by Green Day or “Seasons Of Love” from the musical rent (which my 8th graders are singing for their graduation).

One of my favorite “advice” songs is Des’ree’s “You Gotta Be,” a beautiful song full of love and encouragement from 1994.



This is Des’ree’s most popular song. Other notable recordings she made include “Kissing You,” the love song from Baz Luhrman’s Romeo And Juliet.



The phrase “you gotta be,” seems to have a sense of urgency, but Des’ree sings it with such calm that its meaning changes. Usually this phrase is followed with an or statement, like “you gotta study for the test or you will fail.” So what is the consequence if you aren’t all these things?

Des’ree never says it straight out but what you begin to realize when listening to this song is that she is saying that you gotta take an active role in your life or else you will miss out on what life’s all about.

Des’ree sings about opening your eyes to the world, thinking about your parents and not getting bothered by other people’s lives. She talks about being “bad,” which goes beyond the 1980s slang to another meaning. This is more about speaking truth to power and being a little mischievous to accomplish great things in life.

While she encourages us to be strong, she also sings about embracing the pain in life and working through fears. It’s a viewpoint that accepts the dynamics of who we are but doesn’t accept the idea that we can’t do anything to change our position in life.

Des’ree sings this song with confidence and power. She’s not aggressive in her strength but rather cool and calm. Through her rich and soulful voice you believe that she truly is everything that she is singing about.

Songs that give this kind of message don’t seem to come around very often, but we need them so badly. Des’ree represents the best of what pop music can say to a wide audience. Yes, songs that have controversial lyrics get a lot of attention but it’s the ones that truly have soul and a life-affirming message that stay with us.  Des’ree reminds us of the great potential in pop music and what we should strive for every day in our lives.

The Settlers of Catan

The Settlers of Catan is an EXCITING game about gaining resources and allocating them to create roads and cities!!!!!

Um. . . let me try that again.

The Settlers of Catan is a CUT-THROAT game in which you trade resources with the other people and manipulate them into giving you all of their. . . sheep. . . sigh

Okay, maybe The Settlers of Catan doesn’t have the best hook, but it’s probably the best board game you’ve never played.

Most people growing up play board games. Milton Bradley has made a mint with games like Monopoly, Clue, Risk and Candyland. While these games are fun, they are pretty flawed. Clue is all about lucky dice roles, Risk is about who goes first and Monopoly doesn’t really so much end as people get tired of playing. What’s the deal with Candyland?!? IT'S ALL LUCK!!!

Over in Europe people have developing board games for adults, games not for children because of the complexity and skills involved in playing. One of the greatest games to come from Europe is The Settlers Of Catan.

The Settlers of Catan addresses almost every annoyance people have with board games. No one in knocked out of the game. Even in you’re losing you can still play and work for personal goals. The game is different every single time because the board is made out of hex pieces that are randomly arranged to make up the board. If someone in hoarding cards and not contributing to the game the in game robber takes care of that. There are multiple ways to win the game and even though there are complexities and nuances to this game it only takes a couple rounds through a practice game to understand the rules and enjoy the game.

The basic gist of the game is that you are trying to get victory points. You get one point per settlement which can be upgrading to cities, which give you two points (like the hotels in monopoly). The way you build things are by collecting resources according to players die roles at the beginning of each turn. For example, if you have a city that is touching a sheep hex that has the number 10 on it and someone roles a 10 you get a sheep card.

Here’s a quick tutorial you should check out.

I know, this game STILL doesn’t sound very exciting, but trust, it’s awesome.

To celebrate my birthday I got together with four good friends and along with my wife we played six-player game of Catan (The game is originally made for four players but there is an expansion pack that allows more people to play).

We played for four hours, and it was EPIC. When you sit around a table to play a game like this your eyes are on the board and each other not away at a television. You’re interacting with each other, problem solving but also making jokes. It’s mentally challenging but also relaxing.

The Settlers of Catan is the perfect mix between chance and skill. It’s smart, fun, quick, sometimes frustrating, but overall an awarding experience to play and a great way to spend an afternoon with friends.

Buy this game. It’s only $30 on Amazon. That’s four movie tickets. Get the game, sit down with a couple friends and you will more than get your money’s worth in entertainment.

If you don’t . . . well . . . there’s always Candyland.

My Love Of McDonald's

Last week as I entered my classroom one of the my fellow teachers, flustered and distraught asked me if I saw the sign? Confused and concerned I responded that I hadn't. “Well Kingsley, our McDonald's is going to close on the 21st, UNTIL JULY!!!” she exclaimed. Panicked, I raced to the computer and after 3 minutes of intense Internet surfing I found an alternative location that we could go to and printed out a map.

Problem solved. . . wow that was a close one.

Near the school I work at there is a McDonald's less than half a mile away. They are closing temporarily to remodel the building. Many staff members get their morning drinks from there and occasionally hit it up for lunch. While some people I work with go there every morning, I hit it up once a week.

To celebrate making it through another week and not losing our patience with any of our students Lajaunda (a co-worker who I carpool with) and I hit up McDonald’s every Friday morning.

This is a conversation from the first time we did this earlier in the year (Me-K, Lajuanda-L).

[standing in line at McDonalds]
L-What are you getting?
K-hmm. . the McSkillet Burrito

L-Ew! Are you serious? That thing is disgusting?!?
K-uh yeah, it's great, it's got cheese and a great sauce and. . . .
L-STOP!! That's just gross, whatever
K-right . . . ok, so what are you getting?
L-McGriddle
K-Oh My God! A breakfast sandwich with sweetened bread!!! Might as well be eating a Bacon-McDonut

Honestly, going to McDonald’s is one of the highlights of my week. If that sounds pathetic to you, let me explain.

At it's worst McDonald's while creating an assembly approach to food production created mindless minimum wage jobs that through repetitive unskilled tasks diminished the spirit of its workers. Some argue that McDonald's also contributes to obesity issues in the United States and some even have gone so far that the sugar and salt laden foods purposely have addictive qualities.

Now I've seen Supersize Me, Food Inc. and read Fast Food Nation. While I understand the arguments that McDonald's has had negative effects on our society, I can’t deny what a glorious eating experience McDonald’s can be.



Some would call me a “foody.” I’m not a huge fan of that would because of its snobby connotation. I think spending over a hundred dollars on a dinner can be a great value and that eating great food can be a beautiful and emotional artistic experience. I love going to the grocery store, trying different foods, reading about food, watching cooking shows on television and cooking. Spending four or five hours preparing a meal is something that brings me joy.

Loving food the way I do, I also love street food. The same way I understand the artistry in a pop song like “Party In The USA” by Miley Cyrus, I revel in a good hot dog, fried chicken, and simple but artfully created burger.

When you go to McDonald’s, like listening to a great pop song, you get exactly what you expect. It’s democratic in the way that someone can’t pay more and get a better Big Mac than I can, it’s the same across the country and economic levels. McDonald’s treats all their customers the same and in this way it’s a prevalent and lively shared cultural experience.

I know that McDonald’s food is not great for me, but neither is find dining either. What are you going to do though? Are you willing to sacrifice enjoying food so that you can live a couple years longer? If you are, Godspeed, but I’d rather shave a couple years off my live and love what I eat.

Last year, I started going to McDonald’s on Friday and it was fun, but it’s different with Lajuanda. We look forward to it through the week, celebrate it when it comes and share a couple minutes before the students come and enjoy our breakfast together. There’s always this moment when we are eating and we look at each other with this sense of contentment and smile. Now that I think about it, it's not really about the food, is it?

That’s what my love of food is really about. Loving what you eat is not gorging on a pint of ice cream or eating at the same restaurant every day. It’s about experience the food we eat. It’s using food as a gateway into other cultures and the people in our world. It’s sharing with others what the joy and the experiences that make life worth living.

We’ve Got Tonight by Bob Seeger

“There are things in a life that matter. Things in a past that can’t be denied.”

The Wonder Years is a beautiful television show. Following the childhood of Kevin Arnold growing up in the 1960s, we see life through the eyes of a boy trying to understand the world around him. At the center of Kevin’s world was a girl, Winnie Cooper and between them is one of the memorable and endearing relationships in television.

It was clear from the pilot episode that there was something special about this show. This first episode was about the death of Winnie’s brother in the Vietnam. At the end of the episode, Kevin finds Winnie and tries to comfort her. With few words and an awkward gesture of care, we witness the magic of a first kiss.



This is not a cliché first kiss. They do not say “I love you,” right after and lovingly gaze into each other eyes. In some ways, this kiss isn’t even about romance. It’s about being there for someone and feeling close to someone in a time a need. Watching this moment, you can feel the warmth of the presence that Kevin provides for Winnie and in their eyes we reflect on these moments of wonder in our own lives.

True to life, Kevin and Winnie’s relationships developed slowly on the show. There were difficulties, awkward situations and small victories. There’s a level of levity and humor in most of these situations and which is why “The Accident” is such a jarring episode.

In “The Accident,” Winnie starts hanging out with a new group of friends and Kevin feels left out.Kevin doesn’t approve of these older people, and he tries to let her know to no avail. The episode itself has a different rhythm than previous ones and because of this it’s unclear where this episode is going.

Then Winnie gets in a car accident. Kevin finds out and rides his bike over to her house and waits for her to come home.



Why doesn't Winnie want to see Kevin? Maybe Winnie is ashamed of how she put Kevin aside, or maybe she wants to keep Kevin as part of her past as she did throughout the episode. In the darkness of the car, all Kevin can see is a shadow of the girl that he first kissed.

As Kevin bikes away, the piano introduction of “We’ve Got Tonight” by Bob Seeger begins. There’s a moment when we think that Kevin is just going to let go but he doesn’t, he refuses too. Only when he looks through the window into Winnie’s apprehensive eyes does Kevin realize why. In three small words, “I Love you,” Kevin forgives her, embraces hers and commits himself to her. Like a sigh of relief, Winnie says, “I love you” in response as a tear falls down her face.

One of the most amazing things about this moment is how two people can feel an emotional intimacy while being at a physical distance. People have said “I love you” countless times on television but framed in this way, it’s truly unforgettable.

Even though Bob Seeger recorded “We’ve Got Tonight” years after that scene takes place, it is an ingenuous use of that song. It’s one of those perfect moments when two pieces of art mean the exact same thing making the other that much more powerful. It’s about one moment meaning the world, feeling the love for another and the wonder of love.

What am I to Buffy?

There are many different ways that people describe relationships with dogs. We call ourselves masters, pack leaders, parents, owners, family members, companions and friends. Some of these titles have rang more true than others but none of them really describe the relationship I have with Buffy.

I don’t want to live my life being under master’s servitude, nor do I want to be a master myself. Buffy is not a creature for me to order around, an animal whose sole purpose is to be loyal and serve my own needs. Rarely do I order Buffy what to do. More often than not I invite her to follow my directions and most of the time she does. The moments when I do order Buffy it is for her own good because she is chewing on something that is harmful to her health.

This idea of a pack leader is completely irrelevant in my opinion. Do I do things based on her animal insticts? All the time, like training her with food. However, do I care if she walks through a doorway before her? No, of course not. Buffy may be a dog, but I’m not. The way I relate to her is the same way that I relate to all the people in my life and there is not one instinct in my body that tells me to be a “pack leader,” so why should I fake this with my dog?

I guess, I am kind of a parent with Buffy. Diana and I have taught her manners, give her baths and feed her. As much as all of these things are stuff that parents do, for myself I don’t really think of it that way. We are asking Buffy to live in a human world. She doesn’t have the tools and capabilities to survive among humans.

I'S HIDIN!!!!!!!

I don’t talk to her or think of Buffy like she’s my kid. I feel I approach her like someone visiting from a foreign control. I explain and teach her things that help her understand the world. We have breed dogs to the point when they need human which is not so much of a parental role but a responsibility as a owner.

Legally, we own Buffy, but that’s where that label stops because her soul and her spirit is something that I can never possess.

Buffy definitely is part of our family. I wrote about this feeling in an earlier post reflecting on how my parents welcomed her into our family with open arms. Only when Buffy, Diana and I are together does our family feel complete.

They say that dogs are a man’s best friend and I got to admit that Buffy is a great friend. She thinks of us, wants to be around us and does all that she can to take care of us. Buffy becomes very concerned when one of us is behind a door like in the bathroom and is only truly relaxed when she’s sure that we are all okay.

It's a friendship like no other. There’s something deeper, unconditional and indescribable in the bond we share. Without words there’s a different understanding that bonds us. When I look into her eyes, there aren’t any words that come to mind but rather emotions and experiences. It’s through these feelings that we share each other’s lives.

I often wonder how Buffy views me. Does she think of me as her master, pack leader, parent, companion or friend? I’ll never know for sure but I don’t think Buffy gets wrapped up in all of those labels. The definitions and connotations of these words are irrelevant to her.

None of those terms defines our relationship. Only how we feel about each other is important. Buffy knows that I love her and I know that she loves me and like the songs says maybe that’s all I need to know.

Wise Up by Aimee Mann

I’m sorry.

I pride myself in being a good friend who gives good advice and providing perspective in difficult situations but I think I have misspoken. I told you that the best thing to do would be to give up and move on with your life and even though it sounded like the right thing to do at the time, I find myself feeling differently about your situation.

Thinking about your problem, the voice of Aimee Mann entered my mind. Her seemingly flat and unaffected voice, with its unique ability to express both earnestness and sincerity spoke to me through her song “Wise Up.”



Featured in P. T. Anderson’s brilliant film, Magnolia, “Wise Up” is a hauntingly beautiful song about what it means to give up.



Sometimes when you hear a song it solidifies the way you feel but listening to Aimee Mann’s haunting melody, I realized how I wrong I was about the situation.

Yes if you don’t give up, the pain isn’t going to stop. Unless you let go of believing in the goodness of people around you and hope for something better you will continue to be hurt and disappointed by the flaws of human nature and the realities of life.

However, if you do not believe that the sun will rise tomorrow, you will not feel the warmth of the light the next morning. Belief and hope do not simply determine how we feel about people in our world but also how we view the world around us. It is through this perspective that we make choices in our life and if you do not feel the light, you will never venture forth and your world will forever be in darkness.

You always have a choice, not in what happens to you but in the way that you view and react to life. You can give up and stop fighting and as much as I know that sometimes it seems easier to do this and take solace in the comfort of predictability and negativity, don’t do it.

Don’t give up.

Aimee Mann is wrong. It will eventually stop. This like all things will pass. If giving up hope to find a “cure” as Mann sings is what it means to “wise up.” Then I would rather live in folly.

I’ve realized that there is one similarity amongst all of my friends. They are all optimists and live their lives full of hope. I would never want that part of you to ever change. If that means that there are tears because someone you believed in disappointed you, it’s ok. I would rather be there when you cry than feel cynicism coming from your heart.

The world will disappoint you, people will hurt you and your world may feel like it’s falling apart around you but never forget that you will never go through these moments alone because I will never give up on you.

“No matter what life throws at you, you’ve got to put on foot in front of the other and keep moving forward with an open heart.”
-from Blackest Night: The Flash #3

The Wake

. . . The wake is today from 3pm to 9pm. Okay, well I guess I could go. I want to run some errands, but I guess I could do that later, but I would really like to. . . whatever. Ok so I can be home from school around 3ish, take Buffy for a quick walk, be out at the wake around 4, spend 1/2 an hour there and be home by 5:30ish to give Buffy dinner and salvage some resemblance of an evening. . .

As much as we hate to admit it to ourselves, Tolstoy in his book The Death Of Ivan Ilyich was right. When death occurs our minds often travel to how these events inconvenience our own lives.

So after a stressful day at work I got home. I took Buffy for a quick walk, changed and the headed out. Then I entered the beautiful world of Chicago traffic. The 1/2 hour travel time on mapquest.com quickly passed as I sat in traffic.

I needed to go south on I-94, and then go west on I-90 and for those of you who do not know the Chicago freeway system, there is a point when these two freeways almost touch. However, these freeways do not connect, so you have to exit and take local roads which results in the most indirect path between these two interstates. It is one of the ridiculous flaws in civic design ever and I’m notusing superlatives to be humorous, I dead serious.

During the resulting hour and fifteen minutes it took to get to the wake I went through a variety of emotions. Frustration that this was taking so long to get there, anger at Chicago’s bass awkward freeway systems and sadness. My friend’s dad had died and in these situations you can’t help but think about your own parents mortality. I almost started to cry when “Easy Silence” came on thinking of losing people in my life that I love.



As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I considered turning around and going home and then I remembered when my mom’s father died. There were only two grandchildren who didn’t make the trek to Taiwan for the funeral and one of them was me. At the time, the idea of taking a last minute flight to Taiwan and spending more time in the air than on the ground seemed illogical and not worth it. Thinking back, spending a whole day on a plane would have been a small price to pay for the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandfather.

So I stuck with it and got to the funeral home. I was tired, stressed, and wondering if this whole trip was going to be worth it. As I walked into the room, I saw my friend with a couple mutual friends and as I walked up the began making jokes about how I “clean up well.” Then I saw my friend, smiling with her usual glow and gave her a hug.

We walked around the room, she introduced me to some of her family and we saw her father laid respectfully in an open casket. We talked about work, what we had been up to but mostly we just made jokes and laughed a little. I had nothing profound to say to her but it felt good being able make her a laugh a little and I guess sometimes that’s what it means to be there for someone and show support.

I left the funeral home at about the time I planned to be home (5:30 pm). The drive back had traffic that was just as bad the way there but it didn’t seem quite as annoying. Instead of listening to sad music and feeling like crying I rocked out to Faith by George Michael.



When I got home, Buffy came up and greeted me and when I picked her up and held her in my arms, I couldn’t help but smile. You never know what each day will bring to you, but what I do know is that nothing bad ever comes out of being there for a friend and no matter what the cost, it’s always worth it.

Fix You by Coldplay

“Thanks for supporting us through thick and thin and taking all the “shi**” for being a Coldplay fan.”

LOL

At the close of a concert in Toronto, Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay thanked the audience for their support and acknowledge the fact that like Coldplay has a certain stigma.

Through first hand experience, I know how much fun it is to make fun of Coldplay fans. I spent years mocking them. When a band reaches the popularity and has the cultural impact that Coldplay has there is bound to be backlash. And really once you marry someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, a beautiful and talented actress, it’s hard to buy Chris Marin singing about longing and loneliness.

Then came “Viva La Vida.”



In this earlier post, I discussed the power of this song, the incredible instrumentation and inventive lyrics. This song tells the story of a king who had lost his kingdom, and incredibly, Coldplay was about to make this story relate to our own memories and dreams.

As I’ve explored the world of Coldplay, I’ve found that many of their songs exist in the world of fantasy exploring different realities and dimensions, exploring science fictions stories, using metaphors and symbolism to reflect the human experience whether it be “Clocks” or “The Speed Of Sound.”



One of Coldplay’s most interesting and loved songs in “fix You,” which is perhaps their most direct and intimate song. In contrast to songs like “Viva La Vida,” “Fix You” doesn’t tell a story and isn’t self-reflective, instead, it’s a direct message of friendship of love.

In the first two verses, Martin sings about trying and painful situations. The first line, “ when you try your best and you don’t succeed,” speaks to the loss of idealism, the realization that what you’ve been told as a child is not true. Other lines speak to the pain, the tears, and asks “could it be worse?”

The chorus replies that “light will guide you home, and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you.” The beauty in this statement is that Martin is reassuring us that something somewhere, a light, a power or force will help us out and fill us up with energy, with hope. Through all of this, a friend will try to help us out. The reality of a situation is that sometimes our friends can’t fix our lives for us, but it’s a powerful statement of devotion when they promise that they will try.

As the song builds up out of the simple organ accompaniment relating us back to the intimacy and safety of church, there is a celebratory glory behind the words “tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace.” Instead of shying away from bad feeling and pain, Coldplay embraces these feelings reflecting something that Coldplay expresses in their music: an understanding of the beauty of emotion not only in the happiness but in the entire spectrum of the human experience.



At the end of the song, Chris Martin, drops from his falsetto, down an octave into his chest voice. In this moment, he changes from a rock superstar to a friend. This promise isn’t being sung to a stadium of fans but directly to us. In the depth of his voice, this final reiteration of support is venerable, honest, daring and true.

“Fix You” is what we need to hear other people say to us to get through the challenges in life and it is also what we would like to promise to the people we love in our lives. It is everything we need. It's everything we long to be. And it's simply one of the greatest rock songs in recent memory.

Coldplay fans, you were right. You don't deserve all the crap you've gotten through the years. I apologize.

Now if someone could explain Chris Martin's fascination with colored electric tape. I mean, seriously man, what's up with that?

Bobby Jean by Bruce Springsteen

One of my first interactions with Susan was during a marching band rehearsal. We were marching in a grid form and she was right in front of me. As we were marching I noticed that Susan was doing something wrong, it was a either a misstep or something wrong with her posture. It’s been too long for me to remember exactly what I said, but the way I said it had enough sarcasm or harshness to make Susan quit marching band that very day.

Now I wasn’t exclusive reasons that Susan quit band that year but I was the straw that broke the camels back. Honestly, I only vaguely recall this happening and it wasn’t until Susan brought this up years later that I remembered this instance at all.

Even with this rocky beginning to our friendship, Susan looked past this and we starting talking Susan in the dorm cafeteria and during social activities at her sorority and my fraternity. We were in the same social group and before long we became close friends.

I loved Susan’s enthusiasm, honesty and most of all her genuine belief in the goodness of the world. Even when she was sad or complaining about something in her life, there was always a spark, a light in her eyes that made me feel better and more hopeful about the world around me.

Then I met Diana, who soon joined the sorority that Susan was a member of. Both of them were active in the leadership of the house however, they disagreed on certain issues which caused tension between them (Diana and Susan have long sense reconciled these differences). Diana confided in me her frustrations with Susan and asked me to talk to Susan about their disagreement.

Instead of talking to Susan on Diana’s behalf, I found myself talking to Susan less and not hanging out with her as much. It was still early in my relationship with Diana and I felt this was a way I could take Diana’s side without betraying my friendship with Susan. Now I don’t know if I acted correctly, I’m not sure if I should have intervened in Diana’s behalf and I don’t know if it was fair to Susan to dissolve our friendship like that. I did the best I knew how to at the time but I never felt like I did enough.

By the end of the school year, there was a space between Susan and I felt like I wanted to say something to her. I wrote her a letter because there were things I wanted to tell her that I didn’t feel like I could say to her face. I also made her a mix CD of music that reminded me of her.

When I found her in her room packing up a couple days before graduation, it felt like months since we last talked. I awkwardly gave her the note and the mix CD and left her room. About halfway down the stairs I realized that Susan deserved more than me just dropping off a letter, she needed to her what I had to say, not from my letter but from me. I turned around knocked on the door and found her about to open the letters.

I sat down and read the letter to her. I remember looking down at the words I had written and never once looking up to Susan afraid of how she would react to everything I had written. Through the letter, I told her how much I enjoyed the moments we shared and how much I wished that things could have been different. I didn't tell her all of these things to change her mind about the situation or to bring her back to being a friend. I just wanted her to know that I missed her and I cared about her.

After I was done reading the letter I looked up and saw Susan crying, which in turn caused me to tear up. I don’t remember any words that we said at that moment but I do remember standing up, Susan and I sharing a hug and Susan gently kissing me on the cheek. In that moment, after months of thinking about Susan with regret and fearing what she thought of me, I knew it was okay.

There were many songs on the mix CD but the one that encapsulated everything I felt, everything I wanted to say was “Bobby Jean.” Springsteen tells a girl how much she meant to him after a break-up not in an attempt to get her back but to let her know how much he will alway cares about her. Back then, whenever I heard this song I thought of all I wanted to say to her, everything that I feared I could never make Susan understand.

Years later when I hear this song I simply think of the light in Susan’s eyes and I find myself smiling at the thought of my friend.

Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of by U2

Love is painful.
Love is impatient.
Love is frustrating.

Sometimes love requires us to be insistent, forceful and painfully honest. When we care about people, sometimes love can’t afford to be patient. In Bono’s case, his love may came too late. In reaction to the suicide of his friend, Michael Hutchence, Bono, wrote “Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of” describing the fight that he was never able to have with his friend.

"It's a row between mates. You're kinda trying to wake them up out of an idea. In my case it's a row I didn't have while he was alive. I feel the biggest respect I could pay to him was not to write some stupid soppy fucking song, so I wrote a really tough, nasty little number, slapping him around the head. And I'm sorry, but that's how it came out of me."

Bono may had felt that “Stuck in a Moment. . .” may have come out as “tough” but to this song sounds like pure love.

When U2 released, All That You Can’t Leave Behind in 2000, most people including myself weren’t really thinking about U2. I had a copy of The Joshua Tree and their greatest hits album and I figured I was set.

U2’s albums in the 1990s didn’t reach the heights of their masterpieces Achtung Baby and The Joshua Tree considered by critics and fans of two of the best albums recorded in popular music history. Though exploratory with a number of stand out songs, the albums of the 1990s did not resonate in popular culture like their previous albums which was reflected in their album sales.

When “Elevation” the first single from All That You Can’t Leave behind was released it was a refreshing reminder of not only how glorious pop music could be but how awesome it should be. In the midst of a resurgence in boy band-style pop music, the return of U2 reminded the world why many in the 1980s considered them the greatest rock band of all time.



As awesome as “Elevation” was, it didn’t convince me to dive into U2’s new album, and neither did the album reviews which called this album a masterpiece. What did it for me was hearing the last minute of “Stuck in a Moment. . .” on the radio.

What first caught my attention was The Edge’s light falsetto, soaring above the landscape of sound that was instantly recognizable as U2, but with a modern freshness. As The Edge lists of bad things that may happen, Bono’s masterful improvisatory vocal lines call out like preacher to a church, accenting the lines that The Edge was singing. At the end of the song, Bono, responds to these worries simply stating that they will all pass. Never in my life has a simple statement felt so powerful. After hearing the end of "Stuck in a Moment. . ." I felt like I needed to experience this whole song. There was something important in this song, I didn't know what, but I knew, I couldn't live without it.

Musically “Stuck in a Moment. . .” is the one of the best examples of U2's artistry and musical technique. Through this song, U2 saying to the pop music world: “I see all of you are really interested in ‘pop’ music right now, well let me show you how it’s done. We’re not going to play with the form at all, like we did in 'With Or Without You.’ The Edge is going to simplify his guitar sounds and play licks any of you could reproduce. We’re not going to do anything funny with our chord progressions. We don’t need any of that to prove that we are one of the greatest rock bands of all time.”

While many of the musical factors above are conventional, what is not is the lyrics and emotional complexity in this song. Sometimes the words are boastful, “I’m not afraid of anything in this world,” sometimes they are harsh “You are such fool” and other times they are insistent “you’ve got to get yourself together.” There is a sense of frustrating, but there’s also understanding, “I know it’s tough but you can never get enough of what you don’t really need.” Through all of these dark emotions, Bono reassures that the darkness will pass in end when we realize that at the center of all of these emotions is love.

When I first heard this song, I needed to be reassured that things would be okay and "Stuck in a Moment. . ." said it in a way that made the sun shine just a little bit brighter. Now that I’m older, I relate more to the person giving advice, the need to sometimes be tough with the ones you love.

It scares me to think I could lose someone the way Bono did and when I hear "Stuck in a Moment. . ." sometimes it feels like a warning to not take my friends for granted. More often, this song sounds like a celebration of the power of friendship, the glory of love and how great it feels to be alive.

I'm On A Boat by The Lonely Island

One of the things I love about my wife Diana is how she has introduced me to new experiences. Often she will suggest that we do activities that I wouldn’t necessarily think of and these experience make up some of my favorite memories. So, when Diana suggested that we go on whale watching, I didn’t think twice about it.

Too bad boat trip ended up being a puke-fest.

One of our best friends got married last weekend in Carmel, California. It’s a small city South of Monterey Bay right next to the legendary Golf Course, Pebble Beach. The wedding was on Friday, so we decided to stay for the whole weekend and spend some quality time by the ocean.

Before we left, Diana and I were in contact with our friend Bonnie, who was also coming to Morgan’s wedding. Bonnie thought up the idea of going whale watching and her and Diana found this company, “Monterey Whale Watching.” The website looked great and there were some good testimonials so we went ahead and got tickets.

On Saturday morning we checked in with Monterey Whale Watching on “Old Fisherman's Wharf” and Bonnie, with her friend Aaron met up with Diana and me. Before we got on the boat, the boat’s naturalist did a little speech to all of the passengers.

The naturalist went over some safety rules on the boat, and explained what to look for to spot a whale. Then she proceeded explain what to do if we got seasick. She explained how if you lost the “good fight” and had to throw up to do it off of the back of the boat, not the sides (because the puke would travel down the side of the boat). She went over the best place to be on the boat to go if you felt seasick and told us if we were feeling seasick, to take deep breaths and keep our eyes on the horizon. In retrospect, it wasn’t a good sign that the naturalist spent more time talking about seasickness then watching whales.

We all piled on to this boat, The Pacific Explorer a 75-foot long and 23-foot wide “wildlife observation vessel.” It had a small cabin in the center bar and space around the outside to walk around.


Diana and I started our boat ride sitting on the side of the boat and as I gazed at the 10 to 20 foot waves, I started to feel queasy. After about ten minutes, we found Bonnie and Aaron who were at the back of the boat leaning on the back railing. As Diana started talking to them, it happened, I made an a-line to the back railing and there went my breakfast.

About five minutes after my first “pukage” Aaron lost it as well, and I saw his Chai-Tea Latte and Cranberry Scone fly out into ocean. The sight of this caused a visceral reaction in my body and I lost whatever was left in my stomach. By this time, both Bonnie and Diana trying to take care of us handing us gobs of paper towels, provided by crew.

In my own haze of seasickness, I began to notice that Aaron and I were not the only people leaning over the back of the boat throwing up. This made me feel a little less embarrassed and not so emasculated. Some people didn’t quite make it over the back so there were puddles of puke around the back area which the shipmates kept cleaning up. Meanwhile people took their turns running to the back of their ship to get better acquainted with the contents of their stomachs.

A little bit more than half of the boat got sick and the various friends and family members approached the crew members about the people who were getting seasick. They did provide paper towels but they didn’t do much else. Diana and Bonnie asked them repeatedly as did many other to turn back early, but they did not. We stayed out for the 2 1/2 hours.

Now I understand that if you have one person sick on a boat ride then it’s not fair to the other paying customers to end the boat ride early. However, if half of your passengers are sick and the other half are not having a good time because there were no whales to be seen (though Bonnie did say she was an otter laughing at the people who were sick) you probably should cut the boat ride short.

As I was leaning against the back rail trying to focus my gaze on the horizon (which didn’t help AT ALL) I was desperately trying to play music in my head to help the time go faster. The only thing I could come up with was marching band music, which didn’t help at all. Later I found out that Aaron had the same idea as I did and had “I’m On A Boat” going on in his head.

We certainly were on a boat and though it wasn’t nearly as glamorous as Andy Samberg described with his “flippy-floppies,” we definitely felt the righteous anger that Samberg inexplicably directs at the good things on the boat. Our anger, however, was focused on this “wildlife observation vessel” that we could not wait to get off of.

Even though the boat ride was one of most miserable experiences of my life, I don’t blame Diana or Bonnie. It’s not their fault. The thing is, I don’t even blame the boat company for the bad weather and the fact that we didn’t see any whales. However, the fact that we didn’t turn around after so many people got seasick . . . yeah, that’s not cool.

I just thank God that I don't have to clean up puke as part of my job.

Summer of ‘69 by Bryan Adams

“Summer of ‘69” Music Video

“Summer of ‘69” live performance

Once upon a time there was no such thing as summer vacation.

Before the Civil War there were two school calendars, one for students in rural communities that gave time off in the spring to help plant crops and in the fall to harvest and one for urban students who had as many as 48 weeks of school a year (compared to the average of 36 weeks students currently have).

In the 1840s education reformers wanted make sure that rural children got more schooling. People also thought that the urban school schedule was too long as medical theories of the times warned that over-stimulation of young minds would lead to nervous disorders and insanity. The compromise extended the rural calendar, while the urban calendar was cut down. The break that was settled on was during the summer. Having time off in the summer allowed children to help with crops and got students out of the classroom during the hottest time of the year.

Summer vacation has come into question with many schools trying out year-round schedules. Since most children do not help out on farms and because of the glory of air conditioning the original reasons to keep children out of the classroom for summer vacation are no longer valid. With the worth of summer vacation coming into the question, I can’t help but wonder if there is something intangible about the days of summer that are worth preserving?

When I think about summer the first song that I think of is Bryan Adam’s 1984 hit, “Summer of ’69.” Throughout his career Adams produced non-offensive pop rock music and one of his biggest hits was his ode to one special summer. What is powerful about this song is that it captures how it felt during that summer while providing perspective that doesn’t over-romanticize the events in the song.

The song starts talking about starting a band. They try hard with dreams of becoming a great rock band but it falls apart. Even though it doesn’t go anywhere, Adams reflects in the chorus that those were the best days in his life. Sometimes things fall apart, but that doesn’t mean that they weren’t great when they lasted.

One of the major themes in “Summer of ‘69” the feeling that things last forever. In the chorus Adams, states that the “summer seemed to last forever.” In later choruses, his love interest says that she would wait forever and that “it’d [there love] last forever.” One of the things about being younger is that you think that things truly do last forever and one of the hard things about adulthood is realizing how finite everything is in life.

When Adams thinks back on all of these events, he knows that they have sad endings but he maintains a sense of nostalgia, which is perfectly captured in the chord progression in the song. The verses stay feature primarily major chords but then the first chords of the chorus is a minor chord which adds a darker color to the song before resolving back to a major chord in the end of the chorus.

I worry sometimes that children these days are too busy to have the kinds of memories that Adams sings about to look back on. Maybe it’s not about summer vacation but about our attitude about childhood. Is it important that children have time in their lives where they believe against reality that dreams can happen and that things can last forever? There’s growing pains in which we learn the truth about life but maybe we should spare children that pain and give them reality earlier on.

That's not right.

We have it backwards, we think that learning the realities of life means that things that we believed as children need to be shattered. Instead, these beliefs need to evolve. Our dreams can become reality if we realize the emotional center of our dreams and not material trappings that we so often wish for. Sometimes things do last forever, people die, memories are forgotten but humanity that we all share truly does last forever.

Summer vacation is worth preserving. It's as American as baseball, it's an integral part of growing up and it's reminds us all of the spirit of childhood that lies deep within our hearts.

Thank You for Being a Friend by Andrew Gold

“Golden Girls" opening credits
“Thank You For Being A Friend" Andrew Gold music video

I love watching television.

It’s not so much about sitting in front of the T.V. mindlessly zoned out flipping through channels for hours on end (which I have probably spent too much of my life doing). It's about the many moments watching shows with people in my life. Watching the first episode of American Idol from season 1 with a group my fraternity brothers was hilarious fun. Loving the subtle in-jokes and self-referential humor of The Simpsons with my brother is something I always enjoy. Elating in pure joy when Jim and Pam finally got together in The Office was a great moment I shared with my wife.

Then there’s watching television with my mom.

If you ask my mom how she learned to speak English and what American culture was truly about she will credit television shows. When she first came to America in the late 1970s the show that captured her imagination was I Love Lucy. Even though a Cuban with broken English and a red head from Oklahoma weren’t exactly the best examples of how to speak proper English, my mom learned the dynamics of the English language and the themes that define American culture.

I remember many afternoons, especially during the summer when my mom would stop whatever she was doing to watch I Love Lucy . The other show that I have clear memories of watching with my mom is The Golden Girls and oh my God, what a show that was: four old ladies sharing a house in Florida talking about sex (well, there were some other subtleties in the plot, but that was pretty much the main “thrust” of the show).

While we live in a time of reality shows and 24 hour cable channels, the 1980s were the glory days of the situation-comedy. Half-hour shows with a live studio audience which were defined by shows like I Love Lucy had widespread appeal in the 1980s with shows like Cheers and Family Ties.

The Golden Girls, which aired from 1985 to 1992, featured Beatrice Arthur as Dorothy Zbornak; Betty White as Rose Nylund; Rue McClanahan as Blanche Devereaux; and Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy's mother. Each woman had fully developed and intriguing back stories. Dorothy was recently divorced and sarcastic acting as the most reasonable voice in the house. Rose, a widow and my personal favorite character, was often seemed naive but every once in a while displayed a superior intelligence and insight into human heart. Blanche was basically, well, really horny, crass and constantly talked about sex. Then there is Sophia who was old and cranky but sometimes offered motherly guidance to the other woman in the house.

What is genius about this show is that the setting and actresses put across an image of innocents that we sometimes seem to have about the elderly. It is within this illusion that the show talked about topics like homosexuality, gun control, impotence, domestic violence, euthanasia, sexual abuse, senility, AIDs and many other relevant issues. Because of the age of these characters, they often lived these issues and talked about them in a frank and honest way, often resulting in hilarity (check out this scene when they are buying condoms or this great scene when they watch porn). Though, shocking to hear these topics talked about in such an open way, the fact that it was our grandmothers who were talking about this stuff, though disturbing, reflecting a maturity and perspective that comes from living a long life that reveals truths about issues that so often give us pause.

The theme song to The Golden Girls, “Thank You for Being a Friend” like so many great television theme songs became synonymous with the show. In the 1980s the theme song accompanied the opening credits which introduced the main characters and gave glimpses of the content of the episodes. The theme songs acted as emotional capsules, distilling the stories and themes into the show into one clear emotional statement. “Thank You For Being A Friend” really is everything that The Golden Girls is about.

Andrew Gold recorded “Thank You for Being a Friend” for this third album All This and Heaven Too in 1978. The song was a moderate success reaching #25 on the charts but it was when it by Cynthia Fee for The Golden Girls that the theme song got a second life.

The song starts with the hook, “Thank You for Being a Friend.” It works through the chorus until “and if you threw a party” in which the harmony changes to a darker minor feel. This section goes beyond merely thanking the friend but talks about a specific situation. It builds back up to the hook “Thank You for Being a Friend” and then the strings take over to a wrap up the theme song with a beautiful bow.

So that’s the version from the television show and Andrew Gold’s version goes on for another four minutes. The other four minutes are more of the same. The next verse talks about buying a car if needed (rhyming “lack” with Cadillac). The song ends talking about being friends through old age and also seeing each other after death.

All of meaningful relationships in our lives boil down to being friends including our relationships with our spouses, partners, siblings, parent and well of course, friends. “Thank You for Being a Friend” reminds us of how good it feels to have friends in our lives and how much the simple act of friendship really means.

"It's been an experiences I'll always keep close to my heart and that these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold, and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving."
-Dorothy saying goodbye on the final episode

Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel

On the journey of life our hearts struggle with questions about our lives. We question our direction and our purpose in an attempt to understand the choices we make and the things that happen to us that are beyond our control. Along with these questions, we ask ourselves what it means to care about each other, to live with each other and at the heart of it all, what it means to be a friend.

When the duo, Simon and Garfunkel released “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in 1970 the relationship between the two artists Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel was strained. They could not agree on the final track of the album as well as who should sing the title track. Paul Simon felt that Garfunkel should sing it as a solo and had to convince Garfunkel to do so. However, Simon has repeatedly said that he regrets this decision as it centered attention on Garfunkel. Simon and Garfunkel broke up later that the same year they released “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and since had a rocky relationship included a failed attempts at recording together and numerous reunion concerts.

It seems ironic that Simon and Garfunkel recorded one of pop music’s greatest tributes to friendship as the duo was breaking up. Even though “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” is a song that has a life of its own, the circumstances of its creation informs our understanding of the work. Maybe during the recording this song Simon and Garfunkel realized that they did not feel for each other what Simon wrote about and Garfunkel sang. The history of the song does give it meaning but makes us look at it in a slightly different light giving us a perspective to work from which adds a layer of depth to our understanding.

The melody of “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” is carefully crafted featuring mostly step-wise motion (moving between notes that are right next to each other) feature some well-placed leaps. The melody builds in the first stanza bring motion in the melody into to different parts of the line. In the line “when you’re weary, feeling small” there is a slight drop towards the end of the line. The next line, “when tears are in your eyes” the motion of the melody in the beginning, which builds into the next line which draws out the words with longer note values. There is a jump in the middle of this phrase bringing out the word “your” which foreshadows the wide leaps in the chorus. The last line of this stanza “I will dry them all” mirrors the first line coming to rest, reflecting the meaning of the lyrics.

The next two lines “I’m one your side, when times get rough,” has it’s own rise and fall resting for a moment before the dramatic leap in the next line. The chorus starts with heartfelt leap in the line “and pain is all around,” and then slowly rises. The words “like a bridge over troubled water” slowly descends, which is followed by a descending angular contour reflecting the darkness of“troubled waters.” The words “I will lay me down,” rise slowly with a the determination of a boxer who refuses to stay down.

In the first and second verse the narrator reassures his friend saying how he will help if bad things happens. The lines “when tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all” and “like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down,” is actions we want to do for our friends. We want to be able to fix problems and actively help them when things are difficult. Laying down over troubled waters is a self-sacrificing act. You aren’t helping someone conquer something by themselves but rather giving up someone of yourself so that they can get through their tribulations.

There is a change to optimism in the bridge assuring that the future is bright and that good things will happen, “your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way.” He says that in good times he will be “sailing right behind” not leading, not making something happen but supporting. Instead, of promising, “I will lay me down,” he promises, “I will ease your mind.”

Friendship is born from wanting to fix problems and develops into powerful feeling, a force that connects us to the friends in our lives. “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” challenges us to support our friends, not lead them, help them with problems, not fix them for them and to always be there with our friends in each others heart.

I have many friends who live in different cities and they can’t come by in 5 minutes when something bad happens. We try to see each other as much as we can but it’s hard. As I've grown up, I've realized that friendship is not about what we do for each other. Actions are just a manifestation of what is really important, what truly defines friendship, the feelings that we share.

These feelings sustains us when we are scared, tired and alone. These feelings remind us that over distance and time there is always friendship in our hearts. And these feelings brings us together so that we never face the future alone and have the power to calm the troubled water in our lives.