One of the truest signs of maturity and adulthood is the ability to hold conflicting thoughts in our minds. For example, Thomas Jefferson was one of the most important philosophers in history, and did important work as one of our founding fathers. He also owned slaves, and abused them, like many other slave-owners. It is difficult to have such conflicting views of a person and to hold them together in your mind, but that is exactly what it means to understand humanity.
This is the way that teachers have to learn how to think. We get annoyed by students, while at the same time liking them as human beings. We punish students, while feeling sorry for them when they cry. We feel pride about a concert, but there are don’t go well, and it can leave a bad taste in your mouth. We do a job, and we feel good about the work we do, and in the same day, we can feel bad that we made mistakes. Some of the most important decisions I’ve made, have not been positives for all parties in the short term and that’s something that I’ve learned to accept.
Last night we had our winter band concert. This is the first time we put on a band concert without the choir. Overall it went really well. However, there were things that could have gotten better. There were things that I could have done better, but it’s not like I was doing nothing the week leading up. My days were full of tasks and preparation, so maybe I really couldn’t have done things differently, and that’s a hard thing to accept.
We set standards for ourselves. I like to think they have become higher but also reasonable and attainable the more experiences I get. The problem is that I’m not the teacher I was five years ago, and my personal life has changed. While I am able to keep more plates spinning, I don’t have as much time to do work at home. There are standards about my work and how I’d like to work that need to change. Sometime this means letting details and nuances about my teaching go, that in years past, I would have spent more time deliberately addressing.
It’s about making choices, prioritizing, realizing that details that I fussed about years ago don’t matter, and in some ways can’t matter, because I have less time.
At the same time that I struggle with changing how I work, not being satisfied as I would like, I know I’m doing what I can with the time that I have. This doesn’t always feel like enough, but it is. I saw it during the concert last night.
My low 6th grade brass section was playing a section feature. I glanced at the audience and saw a high school trombone player. I had started her on the trombone years earlier and she was always one of my favorite students. She had a look of excitement and pride watching the younger trombone players was magical and heart-warming. It’s not that all the challenges disappeared in the moment, but her smile brought meaning to them, and peace to my heart.
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