Year 9: Week 32 – The Question Of "Should"

I actually backed off my load recently. There was an assembly that I was tentatively planning that I’m putting off until next year and another grade presentation that had some good momentum, but I decided to put the brakes on and cancel  as well.

I usually operate with the approach that if an idea is good enough, I will figure how to make it work. This approach has served me well over the past year I’ve been at this school, but something feels different as we move through this spring.

I’m tired. My little one (the one and a-half-year-old) isn’t sleepy badly, but he’s not sleeping great either and it’s not unusual as of late to spend early morning hours with him, and by early I mean 2am. Mentally there’s a lot going on at work and in my personal life. I’m managing, but I’m always weary that at some point I might get overwhelmed and I don’t want to find out where that point is the hard way.

Sitting down earlier this week, I thought I saw a glimpse of that moment up ahead.

I have a saying taped up on the hutch of my desk that reads, “It’s never a question of can. It’s always a question of should.” I’ve taken this approach to project, curriculum, and initiatives. Lately I’ve realized that I should probably apply this saying to my work load. I could plan all of this extra stuff, but should I?

I love my job. I love the work, making connection, planning things and watching it all come together. There have always been thing in this job that I love that feel like a chore and that’s cool and fine. You don’t have to love everything about your job to love your job. However, I only got so much that I can do, and my question of "should" I do things need to focus more now in my life not in the philosophy, but in my own capacity to get things done.

I have no plans at all to leave my job anytime soon, but how I work and the long-term effect I can have on this school community are intertwined. If I’m putting on an assembly and I do all of the work, I may have created a meaningful experience for my school community, but I would have done nothing to help this work continue.  The process of how we create and work needs to be done with others in order for others to grow, learn and understand what it means to meaningfully engage in work.

If I am to be more collaborative that means that the process of putting projects may feel less productive but that’s okay. As much as we want to make things happen pragmatically, the true growth, and our true legacy comes from how we work in an inclusive way to help other feel empowered to create meaningful contributions to school community.

No one is pushing me harder at this school than myself. I guess that’s a good thing? I’m not sure, but right now, in this moment in the year in my life, I should push a little less, focus on what’s already in front of me.  This will allow me to more fully enjoy the time I have left to work with my amazing students.