Living life is about change and transitions. Physically, the body goes through great changes in youth and continues to change as people get older. Along with the growth of our body, facets of our identity change. Sometimes we resist these changes which causes internal tension, and for those who accept the evolution of our identity, it’s a journey that is both challenging and rewarding.
Some of the changes in our identity come in unexpected and seemingly “organic” ways. For example, I used to love reading comic books. One of my weekly rituals for years was that every Wednesday morning was going to the comic book store. I stopped doing this not because of anything that happened in the comic industry. There wasn’t any event, I just naturally fell out of interest with that hobby. I didn’t lose friends over shedding the identity of a comic book, life went on, and I moved on to other interests.
There are parts of our identity that are an ever-developing process like my gender identity, and racial identity. Sometimes in my life I wrestle and think about these facets of who I am and sometimes I do not. How I feel about being a man and being Asian continues to evolve and is part of a process of coming to know myself that will never end…and I’ve learned to be okay with that.
Then there are the changes in identity that are events, that are a dramatically change the way that you view yourself and the way that the society treats you. Attending and graduating Northwestern University, and marrying my wife Diana changed facets of my identity on a dime. I transitioned from a high school student to an undergraduate student to an alumnus. With Diana I went from being a boyfriend, to being a fiancé and then finally being a spouse. These are facets of my identity that have changed titles and legal definitions of me as member of society.
Parenthood combines all of these different types of identities in one. Becoming parent starts far before actually having children, as you develop a conception of yourself as child as your relationships with your own parents. That happens without deliberate thought, and it’s ongoing. For some of us the idea of being a parent is always with us. There are events that change identity in a moment around parenting. Becoming pregnant, the birth of a child, the moment when your child enters grade school, and other moments like your when child going to college. Each of these things change who we are and are impossible disentangle from other facets of our identity that are intersected in meaningful and undeniable ways.
When people become parents, to friends and family members it can feel like it’s a strange new hobby that this person can’t stop talking about. It’s more than that, for many people becoming a parent is a fundamental change in identity and an existential shift in the understanding of the meaning of one’s life.
Be patient with your friends as they develop as parents. You don't have always listen to them talk about parenting, but you should make an effort to show care and spend time learning what this new part of their identity means in their lives. It may be annoying at times, and you may feel left out of a conversation with a group of parents if you don't have children yourself. But sometimes being in this type of space is the best place to learn.
Learning about identity is learning what it means to be a human, and even if you never have children yourself, learning what it means to have children through those you love will make you a better human being.
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