When we think of parenting, we think about how we feed our children, how we manage their need for boundaries, and how we play with them. So much of the thought we put into parenting has to do with the time when we are actually with them face to face, and actively sharing time and space. However, there is a side of parenting that is just as important that has to do with all of the things we do for our children when we are not with them.
There are the daily chores that fill up the times when our children are asleep or away from us: laundry, cleaning up the house, washing dishes, and packing lunches. It’s an expression of love to clean humidifiers, scrub stains out of clothing, and pick up toys. These things are never fully done, need to be done every day, and are important in how we care for our children.
Beyond general chores, there’s the whole mental part of parenting that children are unaware of and for most, do not understand until they have children of their own. There is all of this work parents have to do mentally all of the time. Some of it has to do with how we enrich our students’ lives through creating schedules, managing activities, and planning for special occasions and trips.
Then there are things that parents worry about that are harder to manage, more difficult to work through. There are parents who are trying to figure out how to manage a school that isn’t serving their children’s needs. Parents stay up late trying to figure out how to win the next battle with the insurance company so that their child gets the treatment they need. And there are parents who spend their days thinking about how they can guide their child, a person of color, to learn to love themselves, in a society that too often sees this child as less then, simply because of their perceived racial identity.
Diana and I took a parenting class at the hospital before Ollie was born. They went over diapering, general feeding guidelines, and what to expect when raising newborns. Almost every single time I’ve been involved with parenting advice conversations they have been focused on things you do when you are with your child. I’ve not been involved in conversations with other parents talking about how we manage the other part of parenting. The time we spend apart from our children, and most importantly how we manage, the constant mental work of parenting.
For me, a big part of getting through all of this is having a good partner. Diana can do half of the chores, that’s great. Even more helpful is that fact that we can share the mental load. We don’t always have to make parenting decisions alone. Sometimes we can make these decisions together or defer them to the other person. Even more than the physical work with children, the mental work away from children, done unsupported, can be the most difficult part of parenting.
It’s important to note that in many situations, women take on a disproportionate amount of this work, even if both partners in different sex couples work full time. Which parent knows the size clothing the children were? Which parent emails the teacher with a question? Which parent knows what’s in the refrigerator? For most different sex couples, it’s the woman who keeps this information in her head as a sign of the mental parenting work.
You can be amazing with a child when you are with them, but if you can’t manage all of the work that needs to be done away from the child, there’s a lot that will be left undone. Coming to a place when you accept this constant unending thankless work as a new feature in your life is difficult. At times I get frustrated at this labor, but I push through knowing that this work will make the time I spend with my children be more enjoyable and more meaningful.
The parenting work away from children is real. Recognize it, name it, share it, and be proud of it.
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