Parents make choices based on values, and these values are defined by a philosophy. For example, if your philosophy of parenting is that children should have an active voice in their lives, and then one of your values is self-advocacy. So, when you are trying to decide whether to just give your child food or ask them what they want to eat, your values make that decision easy and you let them have a voice in what they are eating.
Parenting philosophy is informed by many different things. There’s tradition, religion, culture, and family. Most of all parenting philosophy is an expression of our own lived philosophy in life. If you believe that competition is the best way to define success, then you will most likely define your children’s success through competition.
This is one of the reasons that it’s so critical that parents do some serious self-reflection before they have children and while they have children. Unpacking all that is inside of us is really important, because the things left not examined inside of us, we will see in the way we parent. Sometimes it’s a pleasant surprise, but it’s often that feeling that comes when you say something you regret to your children in a moment of frustration and you hear your parents in your words…and not in a good way.
A cornerstone of my lived philosophy and my approach to parenting to feminism. In the past week with Senator Warren dropping out of the primary election and International Women’s Day yesterday, I’ve been thinking a lot about women.
I have three sons. Three cis-gendered boys. Before Ollie was born, I wasn’t sure what I’d do with a son. Because for the longest time I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Accepted and typical expressions of masculinity my entire life made me feel less than, left out, and alone. I wasn’t strong at sports; I didn’t share most of the same interests as boys around me. I was more interested in playing music and creating story-lines with my actions figures than throwing a ball. I loved talking about stuff, and chatting. Most boys I met simply didn’t seem that into really talking about stuff.
I tried to be more “manly,” oh I tried. At some point I put a poster up in my room of the all the NFL team’s logos on different football helmets, even though I had zero interest in watching a football game. After some time, that poster was replaced by a Little Mermaid poster, which for a couple years was my favorite film.
One time at a toy store instead of buying a super hero action figure (this was before super heroes were mainstream), I chose to buy a team set of Seattle Mariners baseball cards. I looked through them once, tried to pretend I was interested to my parents and put them in a drawer. They collected dust along with that Mariner baseball cap, I never wore and a baseball glove my parents bought for me that I never used, except as a fetching hat.
The one place masculinity made sense to me was in music. I got deep into rap music, pop music, and rock music. While some other guys would be impressed that I had rap verses memorized, they didn’t care or were interested in talking and thinking about these songs beyond the swear words. I thought about music so deeply and looked in these lyrics to understand relationships, race, culture, and history. I may have listened to music that other boys did, but most of the guys I knew didn’t hear this music the way I did.
Where I found acceptance, and love outside of my family was in friends in my life who almost all girls...
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