My father has never been a controlling husband. He never monopolized the dinner table conversations or the television. I don’t remember any moments when he lectured my mom. However, I do remember them talking over decisions all of the time, and at moments when my dad would get understandably upset, my mom worked through these moments with my father as an equal partner.
The older I got, the more I noticed that not all couples were like this. In high school couples, with my extended family and my friend’s parents, I saw guys condensing to and being domineering to their female “partners.” Even as a high schooler, I could tell that the women in these situations were uncomfortable, and it wasn’t right.
As I became more aware of abortion, it never occurred to me that a woman wouldn’t get to make a choice. My dad didn’t make choices for my mom, and I saw how my mom made choices in her life. It just didn’t compute why women couldn’t decide what was best for their bodies and their lives.
I grew up without the influence of any organized religion. I had no messaging coming to me about how there were “commandments” or a moral code of how I was supposed and what was right and wrong. Instead, I had parents who taught me to see other people as human beings and to be kind to myself and others.
I remember my dad being telling me once that he was frustrated that a friend told him that he was somehow less than others because he didn’t attend church. I thought at that moment: here is a person who immigrated to another country, learned another culture and another language and was successful in many ways, financially and beyond.
My dad lived his life well and is living proof that you can be successful in America without exploiting other people and while being kind to others. I realized that any assertion that my dad is less moral because he didn’t go to church was garbage. So I decided at the moment that I am never taking any religious doctrine at face value as being moral. If Christians can be wrong about slavery, they can be wrong about abortion. So when a high school classmate told me that abortion was wrong because it went against Christian teachings, it meant nothing to me. I replied, “well, I’m not Christian, and I don’t need Christianity to tell me what’s right or wrong.”
One of the most influential books in my life is “Dead Man Walking.” I read it junior year in high school. The work of Sister Helen Prejean showed me the best of Christianity and taught me how to see humanity in what people view as the “worst among us.” The book is about her time working with people on the death row and her advocacy against the death penalty. His experiences and arguments have stuck with me for over twenty years, and I have never wavered in my belief that the death penalty should be abolished.
There was a moment in class when we discussed this book, and it hit me. “How could Christian-identified people be pro-life and also pro-death penalty? That is a moral inconsistency. This must not be about saving fetuses.” I didn’t understand years later that the pro-life movement was about political power and dehumanizing and controlling women, but I knew at that moment that this wasn’t about saving lives. Don’t forget. Legal abortions used to have bi-partisan support. The first governor to sign a bill protecting women’s right to abortions was Republican Ronald Reagon.
At this moment on this day, when Roe Vs. Wade has been overturned, I’m reflecting on my journey because only by understanding our past can we move forward with purpose and clarity. Also, I want to ensure that my children understand and respect the humanity of women and their right to abortion. I’m not going to talk to my 4-year-old about abortions, but I can do as my father did and demonstrate daily how I value women.
For a meaningful reflection on this day and the path forward, I'll leave you with Senator Warren, who as always is empathetic, wise, and a has plan...
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