When he was a baby, he wanted to be cuddled to sleep. He preferred to co-sleep, and it took many difficult nights to get him to sleep by himself in his crib. While Ethan is a more independent sleeper, not much has changed. He still wants to be cuddled to sleep and would still prefer to co-sleep. Currently, we are keeping him in his bed at night by bribing him with a Lego advent calendar. If he stays in his bed all night, he can open a window in the calendar.
Ethan tells me he doesn’t want to be alone at night and is afraid of his dreams. Maybe this reflects something about how he sees the world and himself. While I try to give him space and space to talk about these feelings, I need to provide structure and get him to bed. Like other children, he uses ploys like needing a drink of water or wanting another story to keep from going to sleep. Some nights his demands aren’t a big deal, and other nights are very frustrating and irritating.
If Ethan doesn't get to bed at a reasonable time, he will have a more challenging morning, which is harder for us all to deal with. Also, the longer he stays up, the less time I have to take care of things that I want to do for myself or the house.
I was having one of those nights with Ethan. We had read books together and listened to music together, and he was not settling down to go to sleep. I felt annoyed, and I was done. I told him sternly that it was time to go to sleep. Ethan asked for one more song and one more hug. I said fine, sighed, and without thinking much, I turned on “Philadephia” by Neil Young, lay down in his bed, and pulled Ethan into my arms.
I looked up at the ceiling as the song started to play. After the piano introduction, I looked over at Ethan as I heard these lyrics:
Sometimes I think that I knowWhat love's all aboutAnd when I see the lightI know I'll be all right
In the dim light of the room, Ethan was facing me, eyes closed and peacefully sleeping. All my frustration with Ethan second before before went away as I looked at my beautiful boy. I was so eager to be done with getting Ethan to bed so I could get on with my evening, but I found myself staying with him as the song continued to play.
Love is about many things. It’s frustration becoming adoration in mere seconds. It’s forgiveness and acceptance and letting healing come in the quiet moments.
Someone is talking to meCalling my nameTell me I'm not to blameI won't be ashamed of love
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