Sometimes we don’t trust life.
Birthday parties, prom, graduation, wedding reception, the birth of your first child . . .
These are all events in life that we sometimes over-plan and build up to be pivotal life-changing moments. We tell ourselves that if the limo is a certain color or that the center pieces are perfect than the moments will be that much more special, and that much more meaningful.
We do this out of fear because we don’t want these things that everybody talks about being so important to fall short of our expectations. Well, here’s the thing, often times these things don’t live up to expectations, because these events mean different things to different people and no amount of fore planning or micromanagement can ensure that these will be life-altering experiences.
Trust that life will bring you the experiences that you need to find meaning. Let go of this idea that you can make something special by adding material things and by taking control of these special moments.
Look for meaning not in the moments themselves but how they connect to other points in life from the past and in the future. Look for meaning not in people who share in these moments but by what you share with these people and look for meaning not only in these milestones but in every day of your life.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Breakthru by Queen
When I first started to go out with Diana I made mix CDs for her. I put a lot of thought into each of these CDs (I talked about this process in this earlier post). I don’t really remember the reasons why I picked most of the songs for those CDs I made for her almost ten years ago but for some of the songs I do. And one of those songs is “Breakthru.”
This late masterpiece by Queen was released in 1989, two years before the death of lead singer Freddie Mercury. While most people think of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “We Will Rock You,” when the think of Queen, I think of later songs like this and “Under Pressure” (which I discussed in this earlier post). With “Breakthru,” and many of these later songs, Queen wrote music that really spoke to the spirit of liberation and freedom. Instead of being an anthem for the sake of rocking out, these songs were anthems that talked about the deeper meaning of life.
At the time that this song was recorded, Mercury was feeling the effects of AIDs and lead guitarist Brian May was suffering from depression. Instead of creating music that reflected these feelings, Queen rallied and created a song that aimed to lift others out of these dark feelings. Starting with a slower, almost improvised vocalization, Mercury creates a dark and eerie musical landscape and out of that like the train in the music video comes a driving and pulsating beat.
The lyrics are beautiful expressions of love and adoration. Mercury delivers them with a level of intimacy and charm. At first you feel that he isn’t so much singing but talking straight to you and as the chorus hits, his voice soars. You can feel the joy that this band had in creating this music. It’s in Freddie’s voice, the amazing groove and the ease at which Brian May play his guitar solo. While Mercury sings about trying to make “you” smile, you can’t help but smile yourself.
I put this song on that mix CD for Diana because I wanted to tell her how much I wanted to get to know her better. I wanted her to know how excited I was to make that breakthrough, make her smile and know her. I wanted to her to know that the uncontrollable smile I feel when I listened to “Breakthru” was the same one I had on my face when I thought of her.
Ten years later “Breakthru” brings me back to that early part in our relationship, and the excitement of getting to know someone. Are there still breakthroughs to make in our relationship? Not in the same sense as in the beginning of our relationship. Instead of the breakthroughs being in getting to know each other, it's in sharing new experiences in life. The same excitement I felt with wanting to get to know Diana, I feel whenever Diana and I enter a new adventure in life together.
As I got to know Diana, everything I found out about her made me want to get to know her even better and with every adventure we share together it makes me look forward to each breakthrough we share.
This late masterpiece by Queen was released in 1989, two years before the death of lead singer Freddie Mercury. While most people think of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “We Will Rock You,” when the think of Queen, I think of later songs like this and “Under Pressure” (which I discussed in this earlier post). With “Breakthru,” and many of these later songs, Queen wrote music that really spoke to the spirit of liberation and freedom. Instead of being an anthem for the sake of rocking out, these songs were anthems that talked about the deeper meaning of life.
At the time that this song was recorded, Mercury was feeling the effects of AIDs and lead guitarist Brian May was suffering from depression. Instead of creating music that reflected these feelings, Queen rallied and created a song that aimed to lift others out of these dark feelings. Starting with a slower, almost improvised vocalization, Mercury creates a dark and eerie musical landscape and out of that like the train in the music video comes a driving and pulsating beat.
The lyrics are beautiful expressions of love and adoration. Mercury delivers them with a level of intimacy and charm. At first you feel that he isn’t so much singing but talking straight to you and as the chorus hits, his voice soars. You can feel the joy that this band had in creating this music. It’s in Freddie’s voice, the amazing groove and the ease at which Brian May play his guitar solo. While Mercury sings about trying to make “you” smile, you can’t help but smile yourself.
I put this song on that mix CD for Diana because I wanted to tell her how much I wanted to get to know her better. I wanted her to know how excited I was to make that breakthrough, make her smile and know her. I wanted to her to know that the uncontrollable smile I feel when I listened to “Breakthru” was the same one I had on my face when I thought of her.
Ten years later “Breakthru” brings me back to that early part in our relationship, and the excitement of getting to know someone. Are there still breakthroughs to make in our relationship? Not in the same sense as in the beginning of our relationship. Instead of the breakthroughs being in getting to know each other, it's in sharing new experiences in life. The same excitement I felt with wanting to get to know Diana, I feel whenever Diana and I enter a new adventure in life together.
As I got to know Diana, everything I found out about her made me want to get to know her even better and with every adventure we share together it makes me look forward to each breakthrough we share.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Jack of All Trade by Bruce Springsteen
Optimism is difficult.
In a world that so often shows us that people are selfish and mean, being pessimistic and cynical is the logical result. Unless you are ignorant of the darkness in the world, it takes work and effort to be optimistic and hopeful. One way to do this is to simply ignore the fact that innocent people are dying and unimaginable acts of evil are occurring right now in this world. Or we take the more difficult road and try to reconcile all of the pain and suffering with the blessings in our own lives.
“Jack Of All Trades,” one of the new songs from Bruce Springsteen’s latest album, Wrecking Ball is about the struggle to maintain optimism and hope.
It is one of Springsteen’s most beautiful songs and is also one of his most disturbing works. After four and half minutes of reassurance and hope, Bruce’s final lyrics are of violence and hate: “If I had me a gun, I’d fine the bastards and shoot them on sight.”
Springsteen paints the portrait of a man who is reassuring someone he loves that things will be all right. He’s a jack-of-all-trades. He knows how to do a lot of different things and he’s willing to do them all.
He looks on the bright side of life. As the hurricane blows he thinks of the blue sky breaking and how “we’ll star caring for each other like Jesus said that we might.” He contemplates the economic inequality of bankers growing fat while the workingman grows thin.
There is no anger in these words just a quiet acceptance of how this is part of life. Some people see this line as a attack on Wall Street, I simply see it as a reality of our history and a necessary evil to the growth of our country and the economic cycles that shape our lives. Even though he knows that this will happen again, he says, “we'll be all right.”
They’ve stood the drought, so they can stand the flood, they can handle anything. Along with his partner he will just make do, because they have in the past. But this man is just a man. He’s angry, he’s sad and he’s frustrated. In the end of the song, he simply has to let it out.
There’s no anger in these words. Just a quiet surrender because there’s no one person to blame for the economic hardships of our times. This impulse is one that he is powerless to make a reality but it haunts him and it’s undeniably part of his life.
I have impulses to lash out to go on rants against people that frustrate me. We all do. I have been tempted over and over to use to blog as a forum to vent and rail against people. Part of me knows that if I go in that direction I will probably get more readers, but I can’t. I’m made my choice for this blog and my life.
Every time, I make an optimistic statement I have to brace myself against others who would be cynical, who would rather have their fears confirmed than their hopes proved wrong. I also have to prepare myself against my own doubts and fears that tell me that things can’t happen, that people aren’t good and that the world isn't a good place. But you can’t give up and Bruce doesn’t let us. He shows this not through the words but rather through the instruments.
In the middle of the song there’s a hopeful horn interlude. These notes comfort like a lullaby and give a feeling of security. As we are left shocked by Springsteen words of violence, the horns come back with a beautiful arching melody. This juxtaposition raises questions and Springsteen has a full minute of music to help us understand what is happening in this song.
Tom Morello provides a guitar solo that starts fiercely and slowly rises up like frustrated cries of anguish and despair. The horns, the hope returns and doesn’t let the pain take over. As the guitar reaches it’s peak, supported by the horns, it releases all of the anger and let’s us forgive the singer for his anger.
Like optimism and hope itself, “Jack Of All Trades” is a difficult song to understand. It takes us to places that are uncomfortable and challenges our assumptions about ourselves, the feelings we hold dear and the feelings we try to ignore.
Optimism is not about denying the bad things in life. It's making sure we don't miss the great things that happen every day. If you don't fight for this perspective, when the blue sky breaks you will not be able to feel the warmth of the sun.
In a world that so often shows us that people are selfish and mean, being pessimistic and cynical is the logical result. Unless you are ignorant of the darkness in the world, it takes work and effort to be optimistic and hopeful. One way to do this is to simply ignore the fact that innocent people are dying and unimaginable acts of evil are occurring right now in this world. Or we take the more difficult road and try to reconcile all of the pain and suffering with the blessings in our own lives.
“Jack Of All Trades,” one of the new songs from Bruce Springsteen’s latest album, Wrecking Ball is about the struggle to maintain optimism and hope.
It is one of Springsteen’s most beautiful songs and is also one of his most disturbing works. After four and half minutes of reassurance and hope, Bruce’s final lyrics are of violence and hate: “If I had me a gun, I’d fine the bastards and shoot them on sight.”
Springsteen paints the portrait of a man who is reassuring someone he loves that things will be all right. He’s a jack-of-all-trades. He knows how to do a lot of different things and he’s willing to do them all.
He looks on the bright side of life. As the hurricane blows he thinks of the blue sky breaking and how “we’ll star caring for each other like Jesus said that we might.” He contemplates the economic inequality of bankers growing fat while the workingman grows thin.
There is no anger in these words just a quiet acceptance of how this is part of life. Some people see this line as a attack on Wall Street, I simply see it as a reality of our history and a necessary evil to the growth of our country and the economic cycles that shape our lives. Even though he knows that this will happen again, he says, “we'll be all right.”
They’ve stood the drought, so they can stand the flood, they can handle anything. Along with his partner he will just make do, because they have in the past. But this man is just a man. He’s angry, he’s sad and he’s frustrated. In the end of the song, he simply has to let it out.
There’s no anger in these words. Just a quiet surrender because there’s no one person to blame for the economic hardships of our times. This impulse is one that he is powerless to make a reality but it haunts him and it’s undeniably part of his life.
I have impulses to lash out to go on rants against people that frustrate me. We all do. I have been tempted over and over to use to blog as a forum to vent and rail against people. Part of me knows that if I go in that direction I will probably get more readers, but I can’t. I’m made my choice for this blog and my life.
Every time, I make an optimistic statement I have to brace myself against others who would be cynical, who would rather have their fears confirmed than their hopes proved wrong. I also have to prepare myself against my own doubts and fears that tell me that things can’t happen, that people aren’t good and that the world isn't a good place. But you can’t give up and Bruce doesn’t let us. He shows this not through the words but rather through the instruments.
In the middle of the song there’s a hopeful horn interlude. These notes comfort like a lullaby and give a feeling of security. As we are left shocked by Springsteen words of violence, the horns come back with a beautiful arching melody. This juxtaposition raises questions and Springsteen has a full minute of music to help us understand what is happening in this song.
Tom Morello provides a guitar solo that starts fiercely and slowly rises up like frustrated cries of anguish and despair. The horns, the hope returns and doesn’t let the pain take over. As the guitar reaches it’s peak, supported by the horns, it releases all of the anger and let’s us forgive the singer for his anger.
Like optimism and hope itself, “Jack Of All Trades” is a difficult song to understand. It takes us to places that are uncomfortable and challenges our assumptions about ourselves, the feelings we hold dear and the feelings we try to ignore.
Optimism is not about denying the bad things in life. It's making sure we don't miss the great things that happen every day. If you don't fight for this perspective, when the blue sky breaks you will not be able to feel the warmth of the sun.
Friday, April 8, 2011
To Make My Wife Happy . . .
Somewhere along the line I started to believe that my job in my relationship with my wife, Diana was to make her happy. It seemed to make sense. I've always known that Diana enjoys sharing her life with me and that more often than not when she thinks of me she smiles. So It seemed a natural extension that because I made her so happy that I was responsible for making her happy. Lately I've come to realize how wrong I am to think this.
As I have l gotten older it has become increasingly clear to me that responsibility truly is a choice as I continue to encounter people who have very different ideas of what they are responsive for as I do. So what is messed up about choosing to be responsible for my wife's happiness? Because this choice is flawed and self- defeating and only leads to both of our unhappiness.
In order to make Diana happy I would have to know what she wants at all times and the only way for that to happen would be for me to be able to read her mind and even even if I could, Diana wouldn't really enjoy me spending my every thought and action on focused on her. No one wants their partners to be their slave. Moreover I can't be responsible for Diana's happiness because I'm not responsible for Diana.
If Diana gets a speeding ticket, the policeman doesn't call me up and make me pay for the ticket. When Diana does a great job on a project, her clients don't call me. Diana's life is her own responsibility.
While I may not be responsible for my wife I am responsible to my wife. If Diana gets in a car accident and calls me for help, it is my job to do everything in power to help her. Yes, this requires that Diana communicates her needs to me clearly and yes this may take a little magic out of the romance, but this is how relationships work. If you expect your partner to know what you want and do it without you asking, you're in for disappointment.
Diana has told me that she appreciates where my heart and my intention are in wanting to make her happy and the thing she has reminded me is that part of what brings her joy is me pursuing my own happiness beyond the whole "making you makes me happy."
Diana and I have been together nine years. In this time I've learned so much about life, love and what it means to truly share your live with another. The single biggest revelation that made me realize about my true responsibility to Diana is how she has made me happy, not by taking responsibility for me but by listening and helping me, living her own life to the fullest and sharing her world with me.
As I have l gotten older it has become increasingly clear to me that responsibility truly is a choice as I continue to encounter people who have very different ideas of what they are responsive for as I do. So what is messed up about choosing to be responsible for my wife's happiness? Because this choice is flawed and self- defeating and only leads to both of our unhappiness.
In order to make Diana happy I would have to know what she wants at all times and the only way for that to happen would be for me to be able to read her mind and even even if I could, Diana wouldn't really enjoy me spending my every thought and action on focused on her. No one wants their partners to be their slave. Moreover I can't be responsible for Diana's happiness because I'm not responsible for Diana.
If Diana gets a speeding ticket, the policeman doesn't call me up and make me pay for the ticket. When Diana does a great job on a project, her clients don't call me. Diana's life is her own responsibility.
While I may not be responsible for my wife I am responsible to my wife. If Diana gets in a car accident and calls me for help, it is my job to do everything in power to help her. Yes, this requires that Diana communicates her needs to me clearly and yes this may take a little magic out of the romance, but this is how relationships work. If you expect your partner to know what you want and do it without you asking, you're in for disappointment.
Diana has told me that she appreciates where my heart and my intention are in wanting to make her happy and the thing she has reminded me is that part of what brings her joy is me pursuing my own happiness beyond the whole "making you makes me happy."
Diana and I have been together nine years. In this time I've learned so much about life, love and what it means to truly share your live with another. The single biggest revelation that made me realize about my true responsibility to Diana is how she has made me happy, not by taking responsibility for me but by listening and helping me, living her own life to the fullest and sharing her world with me.
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