My mom told me that life for a woman in Taiwan, where she was born, was simpler when she was growing up. A woman had two choices, have a career or have a family, one or the other, no mixture of the two. If you had a career than you were either a teacher or a nurse.
This lack of choices made life a lot simpler and gave woman a clearer sense of direction in their lives from an early age. The downside is that woman’s potential for personal growth was greatly diminished and that this lack of choice reflected the sexism and chauvinism in society that made life unpleasant and very difficult for women.
Fathers are in a similar situation. In generations past, dads went to work and came home and weren’t expected to be as involved in the child rearing as women. There was less ambiguity of what was expected of fathers.
Modern fathers have more choices. There are men who are heavily involved in their children. They change diapers, do laundry and know as much if not more about the care of their children as their wives. Then there are the fathers who have little to no role in the raising of their children.
These choices are influenced by other factors like the mother's expectations, and the expectations of friends and other family members. Also society still has a lot to do with this. A husband who cooks sometimes is an amazing husband where a wife who cooks all of the time is simply doing what is expected. This unfortunately translates to childcare. No woman will get props for changing diapers or making baby food but a man who carries a baby into a public bathroom to change diapers gets props as some kind of hero.
With all of this swirling around, how do we know if we are being a good father?
The reason why I believe that I’m a good father is because my wife and my mom have told me so over and over. As someone who is self-critical and it’s hard for me to step back and assess success sometimes. So it's really important that I'm told that I'm doing a good job.
The reason why I know that I'm a good dad is because of what I get back from Ollie.
Being a father is the kind of job that you can do poorly and get by. You can put on the TV, put some electronic toys in front of your baby and zone out. As long as you check in on your baby once in a while, feed the baby and change her diaper, it’ll be fine. You’ll be really bored and not get much out of the situation, but it’ll be ok.
If you are a good dad, and you pay attention to your child and make an effort to interact in a meaningful way you will be satisfied and content. If you give your all during the time that you have with your child, you will feel like a good fathers. Moments will come when you can step back and reflect and the joy that only comes from loving your children.
Beyond society, beyond the influence of your family, choose to be a good dad. It's not an easy choice but it's the right one. Your child is worth the extra effort and so are you.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Year 4: Week 38 – Music Camp
Last year, I put in a proposal to do a music summer camp at my school. It didn’t run but I did find another camp at a different school, which I wrote about in this post. Well this year, the camp actually happened.
The camp I did last summer was four days a week. I would see two different groups of students for an hour each for that week. The next week I would get a different group of kids. This camp was different. I had the kids for three hours for five days.
I was really excited that this camp was going to happen, but leading up to the camp I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea. At the exactly same time I should have been planning for this camp, I was doing grades. My grades were actually due the Thursday of my camp week.
This probably would not have felt as insane if I had a clearer idea of what this camp was going to be like. I knew what kind of activities I wanted to do. The issue was that I wasn’t sure how I was going to pace a three-hour chunk of time.
After discussing this with my wife, who is one of my most important collaborators when it comes to formulating ideas related to teaching, I figured out a way to approach my time with these kids.
My wife, who went to camp and was a counselor at a camp, helped me understand the tricky and unique feeling that is a camp program. Yes, there needs to be structure, especially a varied schedule, however it can’t feel like school. Kids need to have fun and they should have a level of freedom to explore things that interest them.
In order to provide these kinds of experiences, the kids need to take a certain level of instruction and follow directions. This requires that kids do what is not fun at times and simply sit and listen. However if there is too much of that, then it doesn’t have that feeling of camp.
This past week was really tricky, but it worked. During transitions I told myself to be okay if they weren’t moving as a whole group. I gave students more freedom of choice then I would in the classroom, but the kids were fine because they were given the opportunity to do what they wanted to do.
While this was a music camp, I gave them time for a mini-recess as well as a snack time. During these chunks of time, kids were able to be off task and socialize. I saw friendships form, observed kids get sick of each other and watched them gel as a group. We had a performance at the end and I was thrilled to seem nice crowd full of parents come to watch their kids perform.
Yes, it was one more thing to plan for in the busiest time of the school year and I had to dig deep to keep myself going, but it was worth it. A week of making music with kids who all really love music? It there really a better way to start a summer?
The camp I did last summer was four days a week. I would see two different groups of students for an hour each for that week. The next week I would get a different group of kids. This camp was different. I had the kids for three hours for five days.
I was really excited that this camp was going to happen, but leading up to the camp I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea. At the exactly same time I should have been planning for this camp, I was doing grades. My grades were actually due the Thursday of my camp week.
This probably would not have felt as insane if I had a clearer idea of what this camp was going to be like. I knew what kind of activities I wanted to do. The issue was that I wasn’t sure how I was going to pace a three-hour chunk of time.
After discussing this with my wife, who is one of my most important collaborators when it comes to formulating ideas related to teaching, I figured out a way to approach my time with these kids.
My wife, who went to camp and was a counselor at a camp, helped me understand the tricky and unique feeling that is a camp program. Yes, there needs to be structure, especially a varied schedule, however it can’t feel like school. Kids need to have fun and they should have a level of freedom to explore things that interest them.
In order to provide these kinds of experiences, the kids need to take a certain level of instruction and follow directions. This requires that kids do what is not fun at times and simply sit and listen. However if there is too much of that, then it doesn’t have that feeling of camp.
This past week was really tricky, but it worked. During transitions I told myself to be okay if they weren’t moving as a whole group. I gave students more freedom of choice then I would in the classroom, but the kids were fine because they were given the opportunity to do what they wanted to do.
While this was a music camp, I gave them time for a mini-recess as well as a snack time. During these chunks of time, kids were able to be off task and socialize. I saw friendships form, observed kids get sick of each other and watched them gel as a group. We had a performance at the end and I was thrilled to seem nice crowd full of parents come to watch their kids perform.
Yes, it was one more thing to plan for in the busiest time of the school year and I had to dig deep to keep myself going, but it was worth it. A week of making music with kids who all really love music? It there really a better way to start a summer?
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Fade Away by Bruce Springsteen
What are we really scared of when someone breaks-up with us? Maybe it’s the loss of companionship or loosing emotional security of having a partner. Or maybe it’s the fear that somehow we will be forgotten, somehow we will fade away.
Springsteen's songs about break-ups take a mature and interesting approach to this subject. One of my favorite Springsteen songs “Bobby Jean” (which I discussed in this earlier post) is a song about a break-up but it’s more about wanting to wish the other person well than wanting them back. It’s a mature reflection on a break-up and demonstrates how someone should feel if they truly care for the one that they have just lost.
In “Fade Away,” Springsteen pleads for a relationship not through apologies or descriptions of pain and hurt. Instead he sings about understanding and his fears.
The opening is about how the girl has found another man “who does things to you that I can’t.” This reasoning for a break-up should be enough to send any man into a rage but instead, there’s a sorrowful disbelief in his words.
The organ is almost ghostly and sets up a mellow and beautiful texture for this slowly undulating melody. The background music reminisces about the good times in the relationship, which juxtaposed against these sad lyrics expresses the emotional complexity of a break-up.
The chorus is a simple plea. He just wants to know what he can say or do, not because he “wants” her back, he just doesn’t want to “fade away.”
In the second verse, he continues to validate her feelings. He knows that he has messed up and with great humility he accepts the situation. This continues in the next verse, when he expresses that he misses the good times as well. He’s not shifting blame but saying that he understands.
When he sings about not wanting to “fade away,” he is saying that he doesn’t want to be another “useless memory.” He wants their time together to mean something. He doesn’t feel like he did enough in the relationship, to feel comfortable leaving it just yet. He hopes that she will carry part of his love with her for the rest of her life.
One of the fears we have about death is that we will be forgotten. If we aren’t remembered than that somehow means that our life didn’t have any meaning. That search for meaning comes through in relationships as well. It’s one thing to accept that we will have relationships fail in our lives. But the idea that we will fade away, that our time in these relationships don’t have meaning reflects the loss of meaning in our lives.
We can’t ensure that people we meet in our lives will carry us with them after our time with them is over. You can never know what brief encounters in life will hold a pernament place in our hearts forever and which long, seemingly significant relationships will fade. What Springsteen captures in “Fade Away,” is a very honest and revealing look at fears that we all share but we don’t want to acknowledge.
Fears should lead us not to speculate or worry about things that we cannot know instead they should motivate us to do the best we can in our lives, in the moment. That’s all we can do. Fading away is a scary thought, but it’s doesn't reflect a loss of meaning. Just because we don’t remember someone doesn’t mean that they didn’t have an impact on our lives. If we truly care about someone, it’s not important that they remember us but that the love that we gave them helped make them a better person. In that way, we will never fade away.
Springsteen's songs about break-ups take a mature and interesting approach to this subject. One of my favorite Springsteen songs “Bobby Jean” (which I discussed in this earlier post) is a song about a break-up but it’s more about wanting to wish the other person well than wanting them back. It’s a mature reflection on a break-up and demonstrates how someone should feel if they truly care for the one that they have just lost.
In “Fade Away,” Springsteen pleads for a relationship not through apologies or descriptions of pain and hurt. Instead he sings about understanding and his fears.
The opening is about how the girl has found another man “who does things to you that I can’t.” This reasoning for a break-up should be enough to send any man into a rage but instead, there’s a sorrowful disbelief in his words.
The organ is almost ghostly and sets up a mellow and beautiful texture for this slowly undulating melody. The background music reminisces about the good times in the relationship, which juxtaposed against these sad lyrics expresses the emotional complexity of a break-up.
The chorus is a simple plea. He just wants to know what he can say or do, not because he “wants” her back, he just doesn’t want to “fade away.”
In the second verse, he continues to validate her feelings. He knows that he has messed up and with great humility he accepts the situation. This continues in the next verse, when he expresses that he misses the good times as well. He’s not shifting blame but saying that he understands.
When he sings about not wanting to “fade away,” he is saying that he doesn’t want to be another “useless memory.” He wants their time together to mean something. He doesn’t feel like he did enough in the relationship, to feel comfortable leaving it just yet. He hopes that she will carry part of his love with her for the rest of her life.
One of the fears we have about death is that we will be forgotten. If we aren’t remembered than that somehow means that our life didn’t have any meaning. That search for meaning comes through in relationships as well. It’s one thing to accept that we will have relationships fail in our lives. But the idea that we will fade away, that our time in these relationships don’t have meaning reflects the loss of meaning in our lives.
We can’t ensure that people we meet in our lives will carry us with them after our time with them is over. You can never know what brief encounters in life will hold a pernament place in our hearts forever and which long, seemingly significant relationships will fade. What Springsteen captures in “Fade Away,” is a very honest and revealing look at fears that we all share but we don’t want to acknowledge.
Fears should lead us not to speculate or worry about things that we cannot know instead they should motivate us to do the best we can in our lives, in the moment. That’s all we can do. Fading away is a scary thought, but it’s doesn't reflect a loss of meaning. Just because we don’t remember someone doesn’t mean that they didn’t have an impact on our lives. If we truly care about someone, it’s not important that they remember us but that the love that we gave them helped make them a better person. In that way, we will never fade away.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Parenthood: Week 54 – One Year Later
Ollie’s a year old.
We had a party.
Ollie attempted to eat some cake.
It was cute but it wasn’t a major milestone event for me as a parent. Nothing happened on that day that changed our relationship. My perspective on being a father didn’t change on that one day and Ollie didn’t start walking the minute after we sang “Happy Birthday.”
Yes, it’s a big deal that Ollie has made it to a year old. There’s been a lot of challenges for him and he’s had to persevere. Being an infant isn’t easy. Milestones like learning how to take a bottle, crawl or roll over are full of joy but they are also times of struggle. Ollie is a happy baby and he takes on challenges in life with a positive attitude. However he’s had to work and he accepts this and because of this, he’s grown in a lot of different ways.
It’s also a big deal that my partnership with Diana has made it through the past year. More than “made it through,” our partnership has flourished. It’s commonly said that the first year of your first child is your hardest year of your marriage. All of the ways that you work together as a team are put to the test when there’s a baby involved. It’s not that big a deal to keep score on whose turn it is to do the dishes. When it comes to taking care of a baby that scoreboard needs to completely disappear. And that selflessness and that whole, not caring who’s right must happen.
This last year has probably been the most difficult year of my life, but I would not say that it was the most difficult year of my marriage. We have had a blessed life and there’s not another year of our marriage that was marred with any major tragedies, so it’s not that there was clearly a harder year in the past.
Each year of our marriage, we’ve faced challenges and we’ve learned how to deal with them, support each other and persevere. So much of these situations, moving, living in an apartment and then a condo, going on vacations, traveling to Taiwan for my grandmother’s funeral, changing careers, and raising Buffy all prepared us for this past year with Ollie
I experienced the most powerful and extreme emotions of my life this past year from incredible feelings of joy and love to petrifying frustration and horrifying fear. Yes, my heart expanded and I found more capacity to love and care for Ollie than I ever thought possible, but my mind is still catching up to be able to handle all of the stress and the never-ending to do list that comes along with being a parent.
Through all of this, I've never needed to worry that Diana and I wouldn’t make it through whatever we faced. She always had my back, and I always tried to support her in everything we did for Ollie.
We will never be able to express fully our gratitude, to our friends, family and the nannies that helped us through this last year. I am so proud of Ollie. He’s one of my favorite people in this world and all I want to do every day is spend time with him, more than anything else.
I didn't just want to have a kid, I wanted to have a child with Diana. Sharing this past year with Diana has brought meaning to every moment of being a parent.
We had a party.
Ollie attempted to eat some cake.
It was cute but it wasn’t a major milestone event for me as a parent. Nothing happened on that day that changed our relationship. My perspective on being a father didn’t change on that one day and Ollie didn’t start walking the minute after we sang “Happy Birthday.”
Yes, it’s a big deal that Ollie has made it to a year old. There’s been a lot of challenges for him and he’s had to persevere. Being an infant isn’t easy. Milestones like learning how to take a bottle, crawl or roll over are full of joy but they are also times of struggle. Ollie is a happy baby and he takes on challenges in life with a positive attitude. However he’s had to work and he accepts this and because of this, he’s grown in a lot of different ways.
It’s also a big deal that my partnership with Diana has made it through the past year. More than “made it through,” our partnership has flourished. It’s commonly said that the first year of your first child is your hardest year of your marriage. All of the ways that you work together as a team are put to the test when there’s a baby involved. It’s not that big a deal to keep score on whose turn it is to do the dishes. When it comes to taking care of a baby that scoreboard needs to completely disappear. And that selflessness and that whole, not caring who’s right must happen.
This last year has probably been the most difficult year of my life, but I would not say that it was the most difficult year of my marriage. We have had a blessed life and there’s not another year of our marriage that was marred with any major tragedies, so it’s not that there was clearly a harder year in the past.
Each year of our marriage, we’ve faced challenges and we’ve learned how to deal with them, support each other and persevere. So much of these situations, moving, living in an apartment and then a condo, going on vacations, traveling to Taiwan for my grandmother’s funeral, changing careers, and raising Buffy all prepared us for this past year with Ollie
I experienced the most powerful and extreme emotions of my life this past year from incredible feelings of joy and love to petrifying frustration and horrifying fear. Yes, my heart expanded and I found more capacity to love and care for Ollie than I ever thought possible, but my mind is still catching up to be able to handle all of the stress and the never-ending to do list that comes along with being a parent.
Through all of this, I've never needed to worry that Diana and I wouldn’t make it through whatever we faced. She always had my back, and I always tried to support her in everything we did for Ollie.
We will never be able to express fully our gratitude, to our friends, family and the nannies that helped us through this last year. I am so proud of Ollie. He’s one of my favorite people in this world and all I want to do every day is spend time with him, more than anything else.
I didn't just want to have a kid, I wanted to have a child with Diana. Sharing this past year with Diana has brought meaning to every moment of being a parent.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Year 4: Week 37 – And In The End
Year 4 is over.
Every year is different, every year is unique and this year was in many ways more different than any other year I’ve had at this school. Year 1 felt like a rush of energy and drama, but there was a sense of accomplishment at the end, a sense of arrival. Year 2, was where I felt like I hit my stride and Year 3, well that was the year where real life came crashing into the walls of my school life. My grandmother died in September so I missed school in the beginning of the year. The rest of the year was over-shadowed by Diana’s pregnancy and then when Ollie came in May, my school year was over.
Like the cliffhanger at the end of a television season, the beginning of this year dealt with the situations that the previous school year set-up. I took paternity leave, spaced out on Mondays and in some longer chunks of time. I had to more carefully balance my time at work with my time and school. Because I was in such of a groove as a teacher I was able to dedicate my time and energy into other projects and being department chair.
Right now, I'm in the middle of finishing up grades. I don’t feel like I’m still running the race. I have the longest list of things to do over the summer than I’ve ever had to do before. I’m doing a music camp at school next week, which has left me no respite. Instead of feeling like the end of the school year, it feels like another part of the year is beginning.
Last summer, I told myself that I would devote myself to Ollie and that I wouldn’t think about school until August. I probably will not be able to do that this summer but I think I will be able to find some time and space away from work. Though my mind will probably not be able to turn off thinking about school like I did last summer.
I’m proud of all that I did this school year and there were a lot of accomplishments. I had many great interactions with students, some truly amazing performances I put together and some lessons that really worked for my students. There were also many things that I felt I had to not give as much attention to as I would have liked. And there was more time away from my students mostly related to the process of hiring a new teacher in my department.
The balance between being critical of ourselves as professionals and allowing ourselves time to enjoy our accomplishments is difficult. Right now, with the looming deadline of grades and comments, it’s hard to allow myself to enjoy this time as much as I would like.
While my mind swirls around with the stress of deadlines, summer plans and critical self-reflection, there’s one other feeling that shines through this storm storm: I’m really going to miss my students this summer. As much as I am looking forward to this summer and having time away, I know that I’m going to really love coming back in the fall and being with my kids.
Every year is different, every year is unique and this year was in many ways more different than any other year I’ve had at this school. Year 1 felt like a rush of energy and drama, but there was a sense of accomplishment at the end, a sense of arrival. Year 2, was where I felt like I hit my stride and Year 3, well that was the year where real life came crashing into the walls of my school life. My grandmother died in September so I missed school in the beginning of the year. The rest of the year was over-shadowed by Diana’s pregnancy and then when Ollie came in May, my school year was over.
Like the cliffhanger at the end of a television season, the beginning of this year dealt with the situations that the previous school year set-up. I took paternity leave, spaced out on Mondays and in some longer chunks of time. I had to more carefully balance my time at work with my time and school. Because I was in such of a groove as a teacher I was able to dedicate my time and energy into other projects and being department chair.
Right now, I'm in the middle of finishing up grades. I don’t feel like I’m still running the race. I have the longest list of things to do over the summer than I’ve ever had to do before. I’m doing a music camp at school next week, which has left me no respite. Instead of feeling like the end of the school year, it feels like another part of the year is beginning.
Last summer, I told myself that I would devote myself to Ollie and that I wouldn’t think about school until August. I probably will not be able to do that this summer but I think I will be able to find some time and space away from work. Though my mind will probably not be able to turn off thinking about school like I did last summer.
I’m proud of all that I did this school year and there were a lot of accomplishments. I had many great interactions with students, some truly amazing performances I put together and some lessons that really worked for my students. There were also many things that I felt I had to not give as much attention to as I would have liked. And there was more time away from my students mostly related to the process of hiring a new teacher in my department.
The balance between being critical of ourselves as professionals and allowing ourselves time to enjoy our accomplishments is difficult. Right now, with the looming deadline of grades and comments, it’s hard to allow myself to enjoy this time as much as I would like.
While my mind swirls around with the stress of deadlines, summer plans and critical self-reflection, there’s one other feeling that shines through this storm storm: I’m really going to miss my students this summer. As much as I am looking forward to this summer and having time away, I know that I’m going to really love coming back in the fall and being with my kids.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
Parenthood: Week 53 - No Sacrfice
I hate it when parents talk about the sacrifices they make for their children.
If being a parent is an active choice that you make, then any choices that you make in respond to the consequences of having a child are just, that: a choice.
A sacrifice is giving up something you want to someone else. By that definition we sacrifice money to by Cheetos, but when most people use the term sacrifice there is a stronger implication. We choose to spend money on Cheetos; a soldier sacrifices his life to save his comrades. When parents use this word, it just reeks self-pity and a need for recognition, which should not be expressed, especially towards children.
If parenthood was thrust upon us by nature and was something that we could not control, then I would understand if people had a stronger need for recognition. “Hey, this baby is in my life, I HAVE to take care of it, so now I can’t do all of the things I wanted to do in life. I didn’t want this right now.” This person would feel that he or she is making sacrifices, and would feel a lack of justice.
For many people, like my wife and I, we chose to have a baby. We knew our lives would completely change, our budget would be turned upside down and many things that we enjoyed we might not be able to do in the same way. How can I complain about the choices I made to be a parent when I chose to be parent? It’s like wearing a sweater and then complaining that its’ itchy. No one forced you to wear that sweater and no one forced me to be a dad.
There’s two main problems that lead to people feeling this sense of sacrifice and not in a good way. Too many, WAY too many people don’t feel like they actively choose to have a baby. America’s abysmally sexual education and the misogynist and primeval view many Americans have on reproductive rights leads to children born every day that are not fully embraced as a life choice.
If that baby comes before you are in a place that you are ready to embrace the life changes of becoming a parent, of course there’s going to be a feeling of bitter sacrifice. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get over this feeling. A parent should look at a child and see all the possibilities of the future, not all the things this child prevents the parent from doing.
The other problem is the fact that many parents not feeling acknowledge for the great things they do every day for their children. There’s an old Chinese saying that instructs that a parent should never tell others what they do for their children or expect gratitude from their own children. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t teach your kids to be polite and gracious. However expecting your children, at any age, to give you the positive feedback and recognition so that you feel like a great parent will leave you constantly disappointed.
Children even at older ages don’t have the capacity to truly understand the choices that you make as a parent. Even when they themselves become parents they only have a vague sense of what you went through because chances are, their situation as a parent is going to be completely different.
Friends and extended family can help with this feeling of “hey you are a good parent,” but the majority of this encouragement lies on the shoulders of your partner, your husband or wife. In the same way that the worst insult comes from the person who knows you the best, the most amazing complement comes from the person who loves you the most.
Even with a grateful kid and a supportive partner, it can be tough to accept all of the choices we make for our kids. The strongest motivation to embrace these choices is our children themselves.
Telling your kid that you made sacrifices for him, doesn’t engender respect. It makes a kid feel like a burden, like something that stands in the way of happiness. "Sacrifice" implies that the choice of staying home over a career hasn’t panned out well. If you tell your children of all the sacrifices you made for them, instead of giving their lives meaning, you are taking meaning away.
I don’t believe the choices my parents made were sacrifices. My mom never used that word to describe the life choices she made as a parent. Do I feel gratitude for everything she did for me? Yes, every single day. How did she get me to appreciate her as mom without making me feel guilty by talking about the “sacrifices” she made for me? Through showing care and acting out of love, she taught me to do the same and in my actions, I feel gratitude for her kindness.
The greatest satisfaction you will feel in the act of caring for another soul is not in the recognition but in the action itself. Embrace your child not as a burden that weighs you down but a comforting breeze that can lift you up.
We make choices for our children every day. For most of us, it’s eating dinner a little quicker, not having as much time to watch a television show or not getting as much sleep. When you think about it, for the light that our children bring into our lives, these choices seem less like a sacrifice and more like the greatest deal in the universe.
If being a parent is an active choice that you make, then any choices that you make in respond to the consequences of having a child are just, that: a choice.
A sacrifice is giving up something you want to someone else. By that definition we sacrifice money to by Cheetos, but when most people use the term sacrifice there is a stronger implication. We choose to spend money on Cheetos; a soldier sacrifices his life to save his comrades. When parents use this word, it just reeks self-pity and a need for recognition, which should not be expressed, especially towards children.
If parenthood was thrust upon us by nature and was something that we could not control, then I would understand if people had a stronger need for recognition. “Hey, this baby is in my life, I HAVE to take care of it, so now I can’t do all of the things I wanted to do in life. I didn’t want this right now.” This person would feel that he or she is making sacrifices, and would feel a lack of justice.
For many people, like my wife and I, we chose to have a baby. We knew our lives would completely change, our budget would be turned upside down and many things that we enjoyed we might not be able to do in the same way. How can I complain about the choices I made to be a parent when I chose to be parent? It’s like wearing a sweater and then complaining that its’ itchy. No one forced you to wear that sweater and no one forced me to be a dad.
There’s two main problems that lead to people feeling this sense of sacrifice and not in a good way. Too many, WAY too many people don’t feel like they actively choose to have a baby. America’s abysmally sexual education and the misogynist and primeval view many Americans have on reproductive rights leads to children born every day that are not fully embraced as a life choice.
If that baby comes before you are in a place that you are ready to embrace the life changes of becoming a parent, of course there’s going to be a feeling of bitter sacrifice. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get over this feeling. A parent should look at a child and see all the possibilities of the future, not all the things this child prevents the parent from doing.
The other problem is the fact that many parents not feeling acknowledge for the great things they do every day for their children. There’s an old Chinese saying that instructs that a parent should never tell others what they do for their children or expect gratitude from their own children. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t teach your kids to be polite and gracious. However expecting your children, at any age, to give you the positive feedback and recognition so that you feel like a great parent will leave you constantly disappointed.
Children even at older ages don’t have the capacity to truly understand the choices that you make as a parent. Even when they themselves become parents they only have a vague sense of what you went through because chances are, their situation as a parent is going to be completely different.
Friends and extended family can help with this feeling of “hey you are a good parent,” but the majority of this encouragement lies on the shoulders of your partner, your husband or wife. In the same way that the worst insult comes from the person who knows you the best, the most amazing complement comes from the person who loves you the most.
Even with a grateful kid and a supportive partner, it can be tough to accept all of the choices we make for our kids. The strongest motivation to embrace these choices is our children themselves.
Telling your kid that you made sacrifices for him, doesn’t engender respect. It makes a kid feel like a burden, like something that stands in the way of happiness. "Sacrifice" implies that the choice of staying home over a career hasn’t panned out well. If you tell your children of all the sacrifices you made for them, instead of giving their lives meaning, you are taking meaning away.
I don’t believe the choices my parents made were sacrifices. My mom never used that word to describe the life choices she made as a parent. Do I feel gratitude for everything she did for me? Yes, every single day. How did she get me to appreciate her as mom without making me feel guilty by talking about the “sacrifices” she made for me? Through showing care and acting out of love, she taught me to do the same and in my actions, I feel gratitude for her kindness.
The greatest satisfaction you will feel in the act of caring for another soul is not in the recognition but in the action itself. Embrace your child not as a burden that weighs you down but a comforting breeze that can lift you up.
We make choices for our children every day. For most of us, it’s eating dinner a little quicker, not having as much time to watch a television show or not getting as much sleep. When you think about it, for the light that our children bring into our lives, these choices seem less like a sacrifice and more like the greatest deal in the universe.
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