How I Came To The Work – Part 5: The Election

As the years passed, I slowly started getting more and more into diversity, equity, and inclusion work. I started doing more lessons and units that were directly focused on teaching about systems of oppression and social justice.

I kept a running list of ideas of projects and songs that I wanted to teach and figured I’d find time later to do. I knew that there was work to be done, but I didn’t feel a sense of urgency.

Because there was no way in my mind that Trump would win the election.

Hope combined with naivety and ignorance led me to believe that Trump would lose the presidential election. This is America. We don’t hire people who are openly racist, sexist, and misogynistic. People get fired for saying and doing the horrible things that Trump did during the election. No way Americans would vote for him. Well, even though he lost the popular vote enough Americans in the right districts, who were not hindered by voter suppression, voted for Trump and he did win.

In the days following the election, it started to all sink in. The expressed values of our country in popular mainstream culture were not shared by many people in the country. Even though a board might fire an executive for allegations of sexual misconduct, that doesn’t mean that ever person on the board actually thought that this person was worth losing over this issue, they were just making this move because they didn’t want to be held accountable for their chooses to the public. With voting being anonymous, and people felt free to vote for a morally reprehensible and incompetent candidate, and they did.

Along with these revelations other things started to come together in my brain. I started to see in our present issues I had learned about in our history. I started wondering about the pervasiveness of oppression of minority groups and stopped assuming that they were anomalies.

We had just elected a person who represented the worst of America. It was clear with his openly salvo of oppression, his Muslim ban that he was going to make America worse and make every effort to beat back the progress in our country. What was I waiting for?

In the days after the election, I sketched out plans for a presentation inspired by President Obama that had been on my mind for years. I took a question from a 5th grader about gender and developed it into a Women In Music unit and presentation. And I was determined that the curriculum that I would teach would no longer be dominated by white cis-gendered male composers and musicians.

I was, angry, and I felt let down by America, but doing this work, helped me feel productive, proud, and part of the solution. I was doing something, one lesson at a time, one student at a time, I was making a difference.

When I saw the email announcing that my school was adding Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Chairs as a position in my school, I didn’t really think it was for me. As I got deeper into the work, transforming my focus, and doing everything I could to make the future America one would reject Trump, I began to wonder.

Parenthood: Week 378 - Hamilton & Me

Last week, I posted this message on my Facebook wall in reference to a new video of Phillipa Soo performing “Helpless” with the cast of Hamilton on The Tonight Show:

When I watch Hamilton I see a future for my children.

My children's racial identity is something I am continuing to process. There's more that I don't know, than I am certain of when I think about how this facet of their identity will effect their future.

When I see Phillipa Soo perform, I see a someone who shares a biracial identity with my children. Despite the challenges that this part of her identity has brought into her life, she is an incredible singer, and an amazing artist.

There was a way for her, which proves that there IS a way for my children. This is why this video made me cry.

Then towards the end Alex Lacamoire, the music director for Hamilton appears with a melodica, and it hits me again.

Lacamoire was diagnosed with hearing loss in both ears at a young age and he continues to use hearing aids in his daily life. Just like my son Ethan, his hearing disability is part of his identity. Lacamoire is a reminder that Ethan's disability doesn't have to limit his dreams, and that he can continue to bring beauty into the world.

Loving Hamilton is embracing the value of diversity and inclusion, and expressing that my children have a place in this world. I hope you enjoy the show.

There are so many wonderful memories of my life in the past five years that include Hamilton. Ollie singing “My Shot,” in the car while holding a Maui toy, the indescribable joy with my mom, when Jin Ha, an Asian-American, walked out on stage as Aaron Burr, and waking up with Ethan in my arms after a long sleepless night to “Dear Theodosia,” playing on my phone as an alarm clock, and looking down at my sleeping boy, and feeling like the luckiest.  And of course taking Ollie to see Hamilton this past fall and watching his reactions was one of the greatest joys in my life.  Ethan now is requesting Hamilton as Ollie did when he was younger, and it's cute beyond words. 

Hamilton for the past five years, has helped me understand my life, my ambition, my fears, and the fact that my true legacy is my children. This show reminded me that being proud and emotional about my children is important, and that there is so much more inside me now that I am a father. It gave a way, and a space to imagine the unimaginable which taught me to better understand the nature of tragedy and that every single day with my children truly is a gift.

How I Came To The Work - Part 4: The Slow Build

I remember an internal feeling of a groan when the word “diversity” came up again in a faculty meeting. We had these discussions about diversity at my school, and while they were interesting but they didn’t feel at all central to our work. If what we do at a school is a Christmas Tree, “diversity work" when I first came to this school felt like an ornament that we hung on the tree, sitting on a branch, making the school look prettier, but not central to our work.

I would hear teachers complain that these discussion around diversity were the same every time, or that nothing came of these talks. Other complaints included people not wanting to just talk about race, “what about other diversity issues, why do we always have to talk about race?” There was a just a general feeling that this wasn’t all of our work, and often I shared these thoughts in my first couple years here.  

I almost shuddered as I wrote these past two paragraphs, because the feelings that I describe there, are really not congruent with how I feel right now. I’m slightly embarrassed about how I used to feel, but I’m trying not to be, because this is all part of my journey. As I help other’s through their own journey, it’s important to remember where I started.

Slowly, all of these discussions, and talks started chipping away at this wall I had created. I made sure to have diversity of repertoire in classroom, and I thought I had this down, so I closed myself off to doing more of the work. My approach was to have composers with different racial backgrounds to reflect our society, but I didn’t talk about what was behind their lack of inclusion in other music classrooms. I expanded my students’ world of music, but I didn’t make them question how people through music, perpetuated a dominant narrative, and exclude marginalized voices.

I got ideas and I tried different things related to diversity in music,  and with the persistence of the assistant principal and other teachers, I started getting more excited about learning more and doing more related to diversity in education. There was no specific moment that changed my thinking about diversity in education, but there’s a couple of experiences that come to mind that moved me along.

My school ran a faculty and staff of color luncheon a couple times a year. When I first saw the email, I didn’t go because I didn’t see myself as a person of color.  However, when the invite for the second meeting came around, a colleague who was Asian-American like myself encouraged me to go, and what I found was amazing. Faculty and staff of color were hanging out, sharing a meal, and welcoming me, some literally with open arms. There was a wonderful sense of community I felt in that room, which gave me a glimpse of the incredible and loving diversity practitioners I would meet in the coming years.

Moments of racism I encountered at my school from faculty, parents and students made me realize that my racial identity shaped the way people in my community saw me and treated me. The administration supported me in all of these instances, but they remained harsh reminders if this was happening to me, it was happening to my students.  Something had to be done, and maybe that something could be done by me.

The main thing that moved me along in this process was my students. A student asked me why the fact that a popular musician was a women kept coming up in other students’ observation.  This pushed me to dive deeper into gender inequity in music. It was my Black students’ enthusiasm around songs that by Black artist that we studied that opened up my eyes to what it meant for students to have mirror in education. Then there were the questions from my students that showed that they were thinking about systems of oppression and social justice in society.  They wanted to know more, and I feel didn't equipped to help them in their wonders, and for some of them, their pain.

Then two things happened in my personal life that pushed my progression in diversity work along.  The birth of my first son, and the 2016 election... 

Parenthood: Week 377 - Hair & Voices

Lucas has amazing hair.

All my boys have wonderful hair. Ollie had a full head when he was born, which did thin out, but came back evenly after a couple months. As his hair got longer little curls came up on the side of his head around his ears. Ethan had less hair than Ollie when he was born and as it came it, in didn’t curl like Ollie’s. On the top of Ethan’s head, the hair grew long, so for a couple he had this little spike on the top of his head, which was super cute.

Lucas has different hair but amazing in its own way. He has these long curls on the sides of his head and on the top of his head, and very thin hair in other areas. If I work on it, I can get the curls on the side of his head to comb over almost all the way over the top of his head to the other side. Especially after his bath, his hair forms into soft ringlets. It’s absolutely adorable, wonderful, and unique.

All of my sons have lighter hair than mine. My hair is technically dark brown, but it appears black. Diana has brown hair, and all of my sons’ hair is a wonderful mix of our hair colors. Ollie noticed one time that his hair looks a slightly different color in the sunlight. The lighter tones of his hair come out and there’s almost an auburn color that appears. Ollie calls the way his hair changes in the sunlight one of his superpowers.

****

Ollie says that his brothers and Buffy all have superpowers. Ethan’s super power according to Ollie is that he is loud. Now I’ve talked about how Ethan is loud before, but what I missed in these descriptions is the incredible range of his voice.

Ethan has a whiny tone in his voice when he is being demanding, but he also has the softest and sweetest tone he’s asking for help. He has loud cries of frustration and anger, but he also has exuberant joyful screams of joy that feel like they overload the room with energy like Boo’s laughs in Monster Inc. Ethan has wonderful quiet moments when he talks to himself while playing. It’s almost a whisper, as he verbalizes his thoughts, and explores the world around him.

Ollie has a similar range in his voice. What’s unique about Ollie is that the sound effects that he makes. From a young age he would make sound effects when he played with his toys. Sometimes they make sense as he pretend a volcano is exploding, but often I can’t figure out what sounds he is emulating. I love feeling his energy through these sounds and watching his imagination at play.

Lucas makes these indescribably cute chirps, sighs, and squeals. His laugh is more of a little yell of joy and a chuckle, than a true “haha.” His cries for attention are getting louder as he is getting stronger, and he seems to be exploring new sounds all of the time. Lucas lacks the words, but he doesn’t lack the expression.  Lucas is a wonderful reminder that sometimes words aren't necessary to show someone that you love them.  

How I Came To The Work - Part 3: Awakening

I don’t remember thinking a lot about racism or sexism in my first teaching job. It was a high school band teacher position, and most high school band teachers are White men. I was aware of this but I didn’t see this as a sign of oppression. It just seemed like the result of individual choice.

There wasn’t any conversations during department meetings or faculty meetings about diversity. The other band teachers stuck pretty closely to the canon of school band music which was predominately  composed and arranged by White men. Even the “multi-cultural” music was composed by White men. All these lists of “essential” music and state lists of songs were mostly if not all filled with White male composers. I knew this at the time but it didn’t really bug me.

I felt like an outsider when we’d have these meeting with band teachers at other schools. There was no other people of color, everyone was taller than me, and it was hard for me to socialize and make friends with  other people. At the time I thought it had to do with the fact this was a hard job that was overwhelming, but in retrospect there was probably other stuff related to my racial identity that effected my experience.

My second teaching job, I was a special education assistant, and I started seeing teaching differently. Instead of focusing on what I was teaching, I was focusing on how to teach. The majority of student I was teaching were students of color, unlike my previous job where most of my students were White.

I had all of these new experiences at this job that broadened my sense of humanity. One of my favorite students was this wonderful 3rd grade girl. During a classroom party her mother came and the 3rd grader really wanted me to meet her.  When I started talking to her mom, the girl started translating for her mom, and I quickly realized that her mom didn’t speak English.

I shared a teaching space with students who had a wide variety of special needs including students who non-verbal. I felt discomfort being around students who were autistic, and I learned over time to see that as just one facet of their identity. The modeling of other teachers and the way that they treated them with dignity made me ashamed about my bias and gave me a new way see the humanity in different people.

The experience that impacted me the most was this little Asian boy who I taught. He had some language processing issues, which is why he got special ed services. And I taught him how to read.

I taught him how to read. 

That’s an amazing thing for me to think about. Reading is such an important gateway to the world, and I was the one who empowered him with these skills. I don’t know if he felt a unique connection with me because we were both Asian, but I know that I felt special connections, and a higher level of commitment to him, because I saw a part of myself in him.

I didn’t take this job looking for my eyes to be opened to the diversity of the world, but it came to me in ways I never expected. I had all of these experiences with people who different than me, and I found connections looking at these differences full on, because I couldn’t ignore them. And with one special boy, I saw myself, and something more in education. So when there was an opening at school that put diversity as a central part of their mission, I was intrigued, and I applied...

Parenthood: Week 376 – Ollie Doing For Ethan

Ethan wanted an invisibility cloak too.

We were in the middle of our bedtime routine and had just finished brushing teeth. Ollie went into his closet and put on a red zip-up hoodie and told me that this was his invisibility cloak. Earlier that evening we had watched the part of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone when Harry gets the invisibility cloak as a Christmas Gift. Ethan then told Ollie that he wanted an invisibility cloak too.

Ollie went to his closet and took out a button-down shirt. He carefully put it on Ethan to his delight. Ethan started to try to button the shirt, but his little fingers failed him. Ollie noticed this, and told him that he would help him. Slowly and carefully Ollie buttoned Ethan’s shirt. He explained how the button hole eats the button and it comes out the end. Ethan was quiet, looking down and learning through the work of his brother.

When Ollie was done, Ethan was so excited and proudly stated that he had a cloak too.

****

I don’t think I’ve ever seen them move that fast together on that scooter.

Ethan is still trying to figure out how to use his scooter. He can kick and move forward pretty well, but he has issues with steering and often veers over to one side or another and inevitably needs my help to straighten out. Ollie has developed good skills on his scooter and can move at a pretty fast pace comfortably.

I don’t remember the first time they shared a scoote, but I do remember the squeal of joy from Ethan when he rode on Ollie’s scooter with him down a ramp. It’s a really cute thing that they do. Ethan stands on the front part of the deck, and Ollie stands behind him on the back part of the deck, and they are off. Ethan sometimes kicks, but it’s Ollie who does most of the work, kicking, breaking and steering the scooter.

This is something that Ethan asks to do and it’s also something that Ollie wants Ethan to do.

****

There are moments when Ollie and Ethan have disagreements. A lot of the time it’s because Ethan tries to play with a toy that Ollie doesn’t want him to touch. Ollie makes a castle with blocks, Ethan tries to play with it, and Ollie gets upset. In the moment of emotion, Ollie doesn’t use his words well enough, and Ethan doesn’t understand what is Ollie’s work as his impulses take over. These moments are challenging to use, and often we need to separate Ethan and Ollie apart, and facilitate reconciliation.

The noise and the stress of these moments can be exhausting that sometimes makes me miss the good moments between my sons which are far more than the tough ones.

Ollie is a great big brother, and he’s well on his journey of learning how to love and be loved in return. Sometimes the way he shows love to Ethan works, sometimes it doesn’t but he’s trying and that makes me proud beyond words.

How I Came To The Work - Part 2: The Set-Up

I’m going to start the first essential question in getting a better understanding race in America and becoming anti-racist: When did you become of aware of your race, the race of other people, and racism as a system of oppression? 

I’ve been aware of race for as I long as I can remember. My racial identity was never in question. I knew my parents were from Taiwan. Along with other cultural makers like language and cuisine, I understood at an early age that I was not part of mainstream American culture, and by American culture, I actually mean “White American” culture.

Even though I was raised deep within the “colorblind” culture of the 1980s that taught that the best way to deal with race was to “not see it,” I was VERY aware of race. I knew how many people were Asian-American in my classes, and I knew that my neighbors growing up were Black.  And I knew that most of the people I saw on television were White.  I wasn’t upset about this fact, as I was woefully unaware of what this White presentation communicated to me about who was valued in our society.

The first time I remember being offended as an Asian-American was watching the Siamese cats in  Lady And The Tramp in middle school. The first I felt prejudice was when I was in late elementary school and one of my teachers was surprised that I wasn’t that good at math. The first time I became aware of racialized views on family was when I found out that some Asian parents in my high school community were critical of the fact that I had a White girlfriend. And the first time I became aware  that I had issues related to my racial identity development was when a large group of Asian-American students sat together in my college dining hall and I felt physically sick.

All of this prepared me to hear a different story in my college American history class. My college history professor focused our understanding of American history from the end of the Civil War to the Vietnam War.  She structured this class by following the oppression of different group of people.  For the first time, I heard of Asian-Americans being part of the story of American history as she taught about the American internment camps of Japanese-American citizens before and during WWII. This piqued my interest in my people’s history, so I followed up this class with taking the course, Asian-American History. This class along with a lot of quality time with a psychology graduate student in therapy helped me come to terms with my racial identity.

What I knew of race, and racism was of the past, not the present.  This served me well for some time.  In graduated school, all of this knowledge helped me understand the need to represent cultural with authenticity in education.

This is where I was when I entered education. I knew about the racial sin of our past, and like so many, I was unaware of the how this story was not done. I understood racism, but I was unaware of how systems of racism permeated every part of our society. I had done some good work on myself, and work on my craft as an educator.

I saw myself as a teacher and a person who was not racist. Like learning fingering on a flute, I felt like I had this part of my pedagogy down, and instead of continuing on an anti-racist journey, I sat down at the side of the road content, unaware of all of the racism  around me, and throughout our society.

I had no idea how much I had to learn, and that my work had just started.