Parenthood: Week 418 - Peace In the Forest

I'm not what you would call "outdoorsy." 

Before I had children of my own, I'd go on hiking on occasion, but more often than not, I would stay inside. I do enjoy the 5th-grade outdoor education trip that I've been on most years. It includes long hikes, some at nighttime without flashlights. These are challenging hikes, and at times they have been cold and wet, but I'm always glad that I go on these trips. However, I do spend a couple afterward thinking how I'm never going to go on one of these trips every again.  

I've definitely spent more time outside since having my first son Ollie. Going on walks and parks is one thing you do as a parent with a baby or young child. The child needs fresh air, and so do you. A parent can easily spend all day inside, and that can make a person stir-crazy, so taking a baby in a stroller around the block helps the parent and the child.  

As Ollie got older and the other two came along, getting outside was one of those things we did more and more. All our children are early risers, and we found that if we got them out of the house early in the day, they would be in a better mood for the remainder of the day.  

So, while it's tough to get moving on a weekend when your kids get you up at 6:45 am, the effort to get moving and out of the house is almost always worth it.  

When the pandemic, we responded by getting our children out to nature even more. It was unclear a year ago what was safe. Taking our children to the book store, library, and other indoor outings seemed like they were not a good idea or off-limits, so we went to forest preserves instead. 

Almost every weekend, and many weekdays when we could, we got out children outside, even when the weather wasn't great. During the summer we spent more time at the beach than we have in any previous summer. We have continued to get outside almost every weekend morning, even when there were two feet of snow on the ground.  

Yes, our children are in better moods if they spend the morning outside, but it's more than that. My children are rarely bored when we are in nature. They are less likely to get bored in an outside playground than at home, and they are even more unlikely to get bored if we are exploring the woods of a forest preserve.  

Ethan and Ollie are fascinated by poking sticks into pools of ice, climbing over fallen trees, and finding new paths in the forest. They find sticks to play with and examine how plants grow, and while they scare off most animals with how noisy they are, they enjoy seeing birds and bugs that they find.  

I find myself standing in the woods, often tired but feeling content that I'm away from it all, hearing the activity of my children behind me. Buffy at my side, I feel that we are doing right helping our children have a good relationship with nature. Sometimes when you do things for children, you end up doing something for yourself that you would never otherwise do. Spending time in nature is one of those things for me that my children have helped me do for myself, and especially in all of the chaos of the past year, it has brought me moments of peace.

Year 11 – Week 30: To The End Of The School Year

What am I going to do for the rest of the school year? 

Usually, I come back from Spring break with preparing for my 5th graders' performance and the middle school band concert. 3rd grade is usually deep into their recorder unit and moving along at a good pace.  

There is no live performance. My 5th graders cannot sing and play recorder as part of the COVID-19 mitigation practices, and we can't bring parents into our school for a performance anyways, so that is done. The middle school band concert is canceled for the same reason. We haven't had band or choir all year. This year I'm not teaching 3rd grade for the first time in almost a dozen years because of scheduling issues, so I'm with 4th grade, and I'm not sure what we are doing in that class when we get back from break.  

I'm unsure.  

Like every stage of this school year, there are new challenges and changes. My 4th and 5th grader classes were split up into six pods/grade of 9-10 students, and they will now be combined into three pods (classes)/grade. The CDC recommends that social distances in schools can be changed from 6 feet to 3 feet means that we can combine these students into the class sizes that we have done in previous years.  

This will be a significant change. Having twice as many students in a classroom will feel different. Having only 9-10 students spaced out in a room felt pretty good. It felt right for students to have so much space around them, so this will feel crowded. I'm probably going to feel a bit uneasy being in those classrooms with so many students. That is something I am going to have to process.  

The classroom community will need work. It takes a while for a group of students to feel out the social and power dynamics in a class. It will be interesting trying to balance out the time needed for this classroom community to realign and reorganize with curricular goals. I'm not sure how to play it yet. Part of me just wants to get to curricular work and establish norms as we work, but part of me thinks clear reminders and discussions may be necessary.  

I'm excited.

My 8th graders have been in their larger sections about 18 students this whole year but have not been able to be in classrooms because of the 6-foot social distancing recommendations. Now that we are down 3 feet, they can finally be in classrooms. I've been teaching them in hallways, in part of the library, an art classroom, which worked pretty well, so it's going to be nice to teach them in a classroom. Teaching them in two rows spaced out down a hallway is not fun. I'm not going to miss that.  

And I'm worried.

Will we more exposures at my school, which will lead to more quarantines? Now that I'm vaccinated, I'm not concerned about my health that much, and with the layers of mitigations my school has put into place, we have not had students get COVID-19 from being exposed to COIVD-19 from other students in classrooms.  

The first time I was exposed to a COVID-19 positive student was one of the most challenging days of my teaching career. That was before I was vaccinated, and it was very stressful. Since then, I've been exposed two other times after being vaccinated, and it's still hard to process. I don't have to quarantine since I am vaccinated, but the students do, and it's unsettling.  

I don't want the year to end with more of this, but that may be something I need to accept. I don't know if I should mentally prepare for more quarantines or hope to make it to the end without these situations coming up. The fact that we have not had spread from our classrooms means that our mitigation practices are working. That is a good thing, but the fact that we even have to deal with this feels still so wrong after all this time.  

What will the end of the school year feel like? Will it feel like a moment of great accomplishment in the worst of times, or will it be filled with regret? What will the parents say, what will the teachers say, and what will our students say about all we did this year to make in-person school work? 

We will find out, and until then, like everything about my job in the past year, we have to take it one task at a time, one day at a time. Accept uncertainty, be flexible, and stay focused on what is best for the students.

Parenthood: Week 417 – One-on-one

I never had my parents all to myself.

I was the second born out of two. My brother had three years when it was just him and my parents. Ever since I was born, my brother had to share my parents with me. Ethan and Lucas are the same way. Ollie had a couple of years when it was him, me, Diana, and Buffy. That was our family. That was his universe. Then Ethan arrived, and then Lucas. Like me, they never had a period when they were an only child.

Partially because of the pandemic, we've had a lot of time when we are in the house together as a family. There are fewer extracurricular activities, a lot fewer places we could take our children, and there was no in-person school for some time.

The moments when I'm truly one-on-one with one of my sons feel rare. Even when Lucas and Ethan take a nap, and I'm playing video games with Ollie, I'm not fully alone with Ollie. At any time, one of the boys could wake up. But there are moments when I feel fully with him and not having my attention split with my other children. The same goes for when I'm going on a walk with Lucas and Ollie or taking Ethan grocery shopping.

One of the interesting things is how my children are different when they are away from their siblings. Different sides of their personality come out when they are by themselves. They are often calmer since they don't have to fight me for attention. I can focus on what they are saying more since my attention isn't split, and I feel like I can be more present, not worried about what is going on with another child who is not directly in front of me.

I feel bad sometimes because I know that I probably could be more patient with my children if there weren't three. At the same time, I know that their lives are enriched because they have each other. And I think that learning how to share people you love with others is a very important lesson. This can be learned outside of the context of having siblings, but it's a lesson learned early when you have brothers and/or sisters.

I love seeing how my children interact when they are all together, and I love seeing them by themselves explore the world with me by their side. As they get older, it will be interesting to see how their relationships with each other change. And I'm looking forward to seeing how our time together one on one builds our relationship as father and son.

It's hard to find the moments to focus on one of my children, but it's worth it. There's the practical piece of it. I've discovered that focused time on one of them, even for a short period, eases stress in the house. If I spend five minutes reading a book to Ethan, he is a lot less likely to bug me when I'm trying to clean up the kitchen or change Lucas's diaper.

More than the practical, the one-on-one time helps me better see, hear, and understand my children as individuals. I see myself as a dad different. With all three, I sometimes feel inadequate  and overwhelmed. When it's just one child, I'm reminded how good I am at this parenting thing and that among the chaos, my children love me, and I love them. 

Year 11 – Week 29: Lift Every Voice...

I started each class by playing Beyoncé's epic performance of "Lift Every Voice and Sing" from Coachella in 2018. I asked my students as they watched to listen and see if they had heard this song before. 

 

With every class, I did this, out of 10% of my students raised their hands when I asked them who knew this song. This includes students in 4th, 5th, 6th and 8th grade.  

I teach in a school that is predominantly made up of students who are white. It wasn't a surprise that most of the students had not heard this song before, and I get it because I would have been one of those students.  

I first heard "Lift Every Voice and Sing," when I was in graduate school. My elementary music education professor taught us a sample unit on this song. She was illustrating how to teach a song while teaching the historical context and meaning of the song. She wanted to push us to go beyond teaching notes and rhythms when educating our students. I loved her ideas, and they have shaped teaching for my entire career as an educator. 

I've always wanted to teach about "Lift Every Voice and Sing" to my students, but I've unsure what it means for mostly white students to sing this song. Also, this song doesn't really fit into a middle school band curriculum with the level at which my students play. This year though, because of COVID-19 mitigations, we can't sing, and we can't play band instruments, so I figured to just go for it.  

After having the students be blown away by Beyoncé's epic performance, we listened to the NPR's episode on "Life Every Voice and Sing" as part of their American Anthem series.

I explained to my students that I could tell them the same information that this news story could, but it didn't feel right. I explained that this is a song created by two African-American brothers, which has had a profound effect on Black culture and Black history. As an Asian-American, I do not have an experience with this song in the same way that the people in this story do. I told them that we should hear directly from those within a community when studying music from that community whenever we can. Even if I gave the same information, it would feel different from the Black people featured in this radio story.  

Afterward, we analyzed the lyrics. We spent a lot of the time on the second verse thinking about what "Felt in the days when hope unborn had died" meant and thinking about what the "tears" and the "blood" in this verse are references to in American history. In contrast "The Star-Spangled Banner," which we had been studying, we talked about it meant to acknowledge the darkness in American history as opposed just to tell the story of American resilience. I was impressed with my students' work and their focus when working on these lyrics. 

We explored other version of this song include versions by Kirk Franklin, Ray Charles, and Kim Weston:  

 

My 8th graders thought deeply about this song. They wondered if white people singing "Lift Every Voice and Sing" was cultural appropriation. They wondered if we should have two official national anthems or no anthem at all, and they wondered if this was the "Black national anthem," then what was the "The Star-Spangled Banner"? The white one? I let them discuss these topics. I didn't give them an answer, and I told them that I was proud of them for asking these really important questions.  

My younger students overall really like this song after we were done with the lesson.  

At the end of class, one of the Black students reflected the Kirk Franklin's version reminded her of her church. The other students were intrigued.  She explained how people responded to the church leaders, and the music in the church sounded just Franklin's version. She spoke with pride, and it was clear that she loved the attention and interest the others students were giving her.

It was a wonderful moment that I'll never forget.

Parenthood: Week 416 – Preparing For The Racism In My Asian-American Children's Lives

It’s impossible to fully understand what it means to a parent before you have a child. You can read books and talk to other parents, but there is too much to know, too many experiences to articulate, and too many unknowns. No two children are the same, and even within the same family, parents are different in raising each child.  

You can tell someone how hard it is to watch your child get their first vaccination shot and tell them how hard it is to be up at 2 am trying to rock your baby to sleep. However, none of those things you can prepare for, even if you have the knowledge going in they are going to happen. Parenting is not something you can understand until you do it. It’s like skiing. You can read all books you can find on what it’s like to ski, but unless you are going down that mountain and feeling the wind in your face and how your body controls the fall down that mountain, you have an idea of what it feels like to ski. And until you have that child deep in your heart, you will know what it truly feels like to be a parent.  

I thought before I had kids that I did the good work of setting expectations. I thought through what it would be like if a child of mine were straight if they had special needs, married someone outside of his race, or were gender non-conforming. This is one reason when it became clear that Ethan had a disability, I really wasn’t fazed. There were feelings to work out, but I had thought this through.  

I never thought for a second that my children would be more in danger of Asian-American hate crimes than before they were born.  

I’m worried. It’s only time before someone says something to one of my sons that makes them feel bad about being Asian-American. My two older sons go to a wonderful school that honors their racial identity, but even they can’t prevent all racist comments and micro-aggressions. I’m confident they will do the right thing if something happens, and that is meaningful.  

I’ve been lucky. I haven’t directly been the victim of Asian-American hate speech or an Asian-American hate crime. I have wondered when people have been rude to me in public in the past year if it’s because I’m Asian, but I have no instances when I know that people treated me differently because of my racial identity.  As each day passes, I feel incidences of Asian-American hate more profoundly.

I’ve talked to my wife about what we do if we were in a situation if something racist happened to our family in public. The last time we talked about this was before a trip to Wisconsin. It’s a horrible conversation to have, but it’s essential, and sooner than later, my oldest needs to be part of this discussion. Our general plan is to focus on our safety. I wish I could say that standing up against the hate was part of the plan, but with my children, one who is a one-year-old, I’m not taking any chances.  

I’ve probably been more lenient with my children these past couple of weeks, but that’s okay. Extra hugs and letting some things going isn’t going to cause permanent damage. I know things will get better, but it’s going to take time. A bone may break in a second and can take months to heal.  

There is something very broken in how far too many people view Asian-Americans as sub-human is that is not going to heal quickly and will not ever be healed completely in our country.  It’s hard to be hopeful when racists are killing my people, and we are worried about our own safety and the safety of those they love.  

DeRay Robinson, a civil rights advocate, said of hope:

“The world can be a better place, but we have to make it happen. That hope isn’t magic; Hope is work. When I think about the fuel for most of [my work], for me, it’s deeply rooted in the understanding that this isn’t the only way that the world can be. That God didn’t make earth, man, and white supremacy. That people made this stuff up, [and] because people made it up, we can do something different.”  

I feel too tired to do the work to hope right now, but I’ll get there. In the future, with my children at my side, I’ll see you on the other side.

Year 11 – Week 28: Taking My Students To Dollywood

I knew Dolly had a lot to teach my students, but I had no idea how much I would learn from her. 

My curriculum this year has been blown up. Because of COVID-19 mitigation practices, my students can't sing, they can't play wind instruments, and they can't do dancing. This made me sad. I felt like this was a loss that I had to mourn for a while there last summer, but I moved this past this. More than anything, when we started school this fall, I was happy glad that even with all of the changes our school had to make, we still were able to provide time for music class.  

I've been working on parts of the curriculum that I could modify and create a new curriculum. It's been a challenge, but it's always gratifying.  

There is no pressure to prepare for concerts and performances since they were all canceled, so I feel more freedom to explore and try things that may not pan out. I'm able to give students the time they want to work on projects and allow them to have a more significant part in the pacing of our work together. 

After mid-winter break, I decided to do a biography unit with my students. I needed material, and my 4th and 5th graders love read-aloud, so I got a bunch of musician biographies and spent some time reading. After reading and thinking, I decided to read my student a Who Is Dolly Parton by True Kelley. 

Why? I had gotten some negative reactions throughout this school year when I played country music for them, so I wanted to do some work to help them better understand country music. I also wanted to find an artist who used their position and wealth for good, and I wanted to tell the story of someone who had dimensions and layers that my students could relate to. Dolly Parton felt like the perfect choice. Her music tells amazing stories, the stories of her life are entertaining and inspiring, and she has so much work inside and outside of country music to help other people. 

I was ready to interject songs when I read about Dolly's life, but I didn't expect the wonderful conversations that came from students' reactions. We talked about how families are different as students were shocked to hear that she had eleven brothers and sisters. Students explored how schools are different when they learned she to a school with 15 students for grades K-8. I helped my students understand the sexism she experienced that shocked them when they heard about how one of her managers didn't want her to get married because he felt this would make her lose fans, why people were critical of her weight, and about the meaning of the song "9 to 5." 

An important topic that we kept talking about is what it meant for Dolly to grow up poor and what she did in her life to use her wealth to help other people. I told my students that one of the hardest topics for adults to talk about is money. Even though everyone thinks about it, the differences in the economic situations that people have are important to consider in how we treat people and talk about our lives.  

The story that was the most fun to tell and the students enjoyed the most was the story of "I Will Always Love You." My students were appalled at Porter Wagoner's treatment of Dolly and were both surprised and impressed with how Dolly took the higher ground and did right by him, even though he mistreated her. I wasn't sure how my students would react to "I Will Always Love You." With the story in mind and admiration for Dolly, they listened attentively, and afterward, they reflected how it was a really good song.

Some said it was sad, others said it was happy, and then I explained how both of these opinions were right. I talked about how you can be happy that you are on vacation and sad that it will end and that the most important moments of your life are a mix of emotions.  

There is so much to learn from Dolly, and I am so glad that we took the time to really tackle many important issues that her life story brought to my student's attention. One of the most important lessons I learned from Dolly is it sometimes it's hard to believe in yourself, and that's the reason it's such a powerful and transformative thing to do.

Parenthood: Week 415 - When We Hold Each Other

As I finished sweeping the floor, I felt a presence and looked up to see oldest son Ollie sitting on the stairs. I was surprised to see him. It was about an hour after my wife had to put him to bed, and usually, Ollie fell asleep without much aid or drama. Like most seven-year-olds, bedtime wasn't that dramatic. It was his three-year-old brother that demanded another story or for me to stay in his room with him, not Ollie. I looked up at his tired eyes, and he told me softly, "I'm having trouble going to sleep." I told him to go to his bed, and I'd be there in a minute to help him go to sleep.  

I carefully got into bed with Ollie, and I felt him rest his head on my chest as my arm encircled his body. I lay there in the dark. I thought about asking Ollie if he felt okay or if he had a nightmare, but then I remembered how my mom taught me how to rock a baby to sleep. She told me when Ollie was a baby how to move the baby to calm them down and to feel that moment when the body relaxes into your arms, and that when the baby is older, to put the baby down right before this moment. This moment had passed, and Ollie's body felt warm and calm.  

As his feet brushed up against my shins, I remembered how when I could cradle the entire length of his body with my forearm. When he was a toddler, and I would put him to bed, his feet would be at my waist with his arms would rest on my chest, too short to reach around my body. Now his arm reached all the around to the side of my torso.  

There was a time when he told me that he was having trouble sleeping by crying. Sometimes he would be hungry or need a hug. It was a guessing game to figure out what he needed when he would wake up in the middle of the night. And as we got better at this game, he got better at telling us what he needed. 

Ollie as a baby, sometimes needed to rock to sleep for a long time. After carefully swaddling him up, I would wedge a pacifier between his mouth and my chest as I walked around his room. Patting his butt to the rhythm of "Jingle Bells," I paced around the room. Sometimes he would calm enough for me to sit on the rocking chair to rock him to sleep. Other nights, he would cry as soon as I sat down, so I would have to get up and keep pacing.  

Sometimes after a long time, Diana would come in and take a turn, helping put Ollie to sleep. Other times, he would calm, and as my mom described, his body would become heavy in my arms, and I would gently put him in his crib. Tired, but with a feeling of accomplishment, I left his room, which felt like a world in itself and entered back into a completely different world. When I was rocking Ollie to sleep, there was nothing else on my mind, and I had a single purpose. Upon leaving his room, I had to face the rest of my responsibilities, fears, and obligations.  

Ollie didn't need me tonight to rock him or talk to him. He just wanted me there to cuddle with him to help him go to sleep. There was a time years ago when just holding him wasn't enough to help him go to sleep, and there will be times in the future when my embrace will not be enough to quiet the thoughts in his head so he can rest.  

Ollie will have times in the future when he will be afraid and confused. He will feel fear as I did this past week and not know what to do. These thoughts will rob him of his peaceful rest, and he will find the darkness of night unnerving and cold, and the sleep will not come. However, tonight was not one of those nights.  

Because tonight, I was enough.  

"When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. "It's all right" we whisper, "I'm here, I love you." and we lie: "I'll never leave you." For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad." 

- Neil Gaiman, Neil Gaiman's Midnight Days