Year 4: Week 13 – Understand Parents As A Parent

What’s the big deal?

This week I was part of a 5th grade evening presentation and the 3rd graders Thanksgiving assembly. One of the questions that parents often ask me at these events is where they can sit to get the best view of their child.

Is it that important that you have the in the optimal seat to see your kid speak two lines into a microphone?

Before Ollie entered my life, I didn’t quite understand what was going on here.  I love my kids and they do a great job (of course, I mean they are MY students), but it’s not like these are professional production. Are you really going to re-watch this thing? Do you really think that other people want to see these videos?

Well, after video recording almost ever possible activity Ollie has done from turning over to breathing and showing these videos to people who probably don’t care (but are too nice to tell me so), I'm beginning to understand what is going on here.

I’ve always made an effort to empathize with the parents of my students. Sometimes when they ask for advice on child-rearing, I attempt to give them some perspective. Even though I’ve studied child-development and watching all of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I often feel unqualified to speak to parents about their children.

This year my interactions with parents have felt different. First off, I have received an overwhelming amount of enthusiasm and interest in Ollie from the parent population at my school. They ask me about Ollie and respond with baby stories about their own children. Some of these stories are humorous and others are poignant.

In one conversation with a parent I was talking about how Ollie loves being on his stomach. This mother proceeded to tell me about how much her daughter disliked being on her stomach. When I asked this kid about what her mom said, she told about other struggles she had as a child. While she initially seemed annoyed at the fact that her mother had to told me about her as a baby, it ended up being a very personal and meaningful conversation.

I’ve been putting kids on stage to perform for their parents for the past 8 years and this past week when I looked out into the audience I noticed something for the first time. Instead of simply seeing a sea of smart phones and waving parents I saw in the parents’ eyes a familiar look.

It’s the look that I see in Diana whenever she greets Ollie after being away. It’s the light in her smile when Ollie interacts with her and does something cute. Seeing this energy and love projected at children on stage is one of the most heartwarming things I have every seen in my life.

Parents, I think I'm starting to get it.  

Selfie

Parenthood Week 26 – Are You Ready?

“How did you know that you were ready to have kids?”

This is one of the hardest questions about parenthood which like “when did you know you were ready to get married?” is a mixture of logic and understanding the unexplainable parts of the human heart.

I’m not exactly sure when Diana and I first started talking about the possibility of having children. It wasn’t something that we obsessed about but it came up before we got married as part of our life plan.

Many family members and friends advised us to not have children immediately after we got married so we didn’t. There were things that we wanted to do that we knew would be hindered by having a child. So in our first couple years of marriage we had our European adventure (read about it here), we raised our puppy and had many experiences as a married couple which really enriched our lives.

For the longest time, having a child, was just one of those things that we would do later, and before I knew it, later was now and it felt like the right time.

Here’s the logical side: before you have children you should have a good living situation, have your finances in order and have a career that you feel good about. Here's the thing: almost everyone I have met either moved right before having a baby or right after. We did that too. It would be idea to be settled down in the perfect house before having a baby but it’s rarely the case.

Finances and the job should be in a good place. However if you wait for these things to be in a perfect situation you will never end up having a baby. Part of having a baby is learning how to reallocate your household budget and that’s something that’s difficult to understand or do before having a baby. Yes, you should be in a better situation with your money and your job, but don’t wait for things to be perfect because that will never happen.

No, we didn’t have the perfect place to bring Ollie home to but our checkbooks and our jobs were doing okay. Then there’s the basic division of labor, which is also a big issue.

One of the things that made me feel most comfortable and made me excited about having a kid was the way Diana and I handled raising Buffy. When Buffy needs to be fed or walked, someone does it. It doesn’t matter if I’ve fed Buffy every day for the past week, if it needs to be done I'll do it. Taking care of Buffy has never been about keeping score. It’s not important who walks Buffy, it’s just that she needs to be walked. We both chose to bring her into our lives and it’s not fair that the care of a living being be thought of as a chore.

When I thought about all of the diapers and feedings, I felt confident that it wouldn’t be about who’s turn it would be to take of our baby, just that we would both step up when things needed to happen and we do.

All of this was great, but there’s one more piece which speaks to the human heart. I asked Diana last night when she felt we were ready and she said it was a gut feeling. I agree. At a certain point I looked at Diana and when I thought about the idea of having a child with her, my excitement overshadowed all of my nervousness and worry about having a kid.

The idea of having a kid is crazy. It’s a journey that you don't have full control over that is filled with uncertainty and extreme emotions. Even in our modern age, the risks surrounding having a child are very high and changes that you have to make when you become a parent are incomprehensible.  Somethings has to help you get over that.  

I’m a worrier and Diana’s always motivated me past my worries to experience life to the fullest. I’m not sure how she helps me get over myself, but she does it all of the time and my life is so much more full for it.

When Diana asked me last year if I felt like it was the right time to have a kid, my mind immediately flooded with all of the reasons not to have a kid and then I looked into Diana's eyes.  When my eyes met hers, things felt right.  My worries didn't go away but I felt safe and excited.

For me, it wasn't so much about knowing that I was ready.  It was about sharing this experience with Diana.  This made me feel confident to continue this next step in my life's journey, knowing that we would take each step together.  

Year 4: Week 12 - Stress

This week felt weird. It was like there was a too much stuff to do in too little time but somehow it all got done. There were a lot of issues that I was dealing with that really had nothing to do with the act of teaching but that is how the gig goes sometimes.

There aremany things that fills a teacher’s day. A lot of these things are part of what I do because of a level of involvement that I chose for myself in this community. I volunteered for the committees that I’m on. No one forced me to be a co-department chair and I actively seek out projects and performances to do with my students that often involve other teachers.

So why am I feeling stressed out about all of these things that I volunteered to do?

Eh, maybe it's because I’m an idiot. I don’t know.

Look, sometimes things just stack up in a certain way and they seem like they are overwhelming but they aren’t. I guess part of it is also the fact that I’m the kind of guy who over-worries about things but that’s part of what makes me good at my job.

If you work in a school you become part of a amazing dramatic production. Every day there’s a new plotline and other plots continue over long periods of time. We are having conversations about our schedule that is part of a long project and at the same time there’s the expected student behavior issues that must be addressed. It’s ongoing, it’s crazy but it’s all kind of fun if you take it with the right attitude.

Too bad, it wasn’t until today that I was able to get my brain into that space.

I enjoy the challenge and all of the issues. Well, I don’t enjoy the fact that they happen, because a lot of the time these things could be prevented or helped with better communication. The creative problem solving and the collaboration that these issues often require are some of the most enjoyable parts of the job.

Behind every email is a person who cares as much as I do about our kids and our community. All they are trying to do is make things works better for all of us. These emails are a reminder that people out there in my school really care.
One of the hardest parts of about not only my job but growing up is accepting the fact that there is never enough time. Every day I leave work with something left undone on my to do list. Every night before I go to bed I know there’s something else that I need to take care of around the house.

That’s life.

This is a very difficult thing to accept, but you’ve got to come to a level of peace with this fact or else you will go crazy because it’s never going to change. So what did I do that helped me chill out and realize this fact?

Instead of doing work, for half an hour I hung out with a group of my 6th graders while they ate lunch. It was a lot of fun but it used up time that I needed to spend on other things. But you know what? It was worth it. Sometimes the greatest stress relief, the splash of perspective you need to get over yourself is in the laughter and silliness of the children that you teach.

Ollie Bear

Parenthood: Week 25 - The Reunion

The reality is that the most meaningful part of going to Lorado Taft was not figuring out how to deal with a bunch a 5th grade boys (which I wrote about in this previous post). It was the experience of being away from Ollie for such a long period of time that will made the trip so unique. I’ve done the long days at work where I leave before Ollie gets up and come home right as he’s going to bed, but I’ve never been away from him for a night.

So I knew that being away for three nights was going to be tough.

While Diana was going to be home without me, I felt good knowing that my mom, who was flying in from Seattle was going to spend the week to help out with Ollie. At the same time, knowing that my mom was going to be visiting only made me want to be at home even more.

A couple people at work asked me if this trip was going to be the first time that I was going to be away from Ollie so long. And while their sympathetic looks were comforting, they didn’t have really any advice on how to deal with being away from Ollie.

How was it? Well, I think it helped that the trip with my 5th graders was a very busy one. There’s not a lot of down time and I spend almost 22 hours of every day with kids. The fact that I was never off helped keep my mind off of Ollie and Diana. At the same time, my brain keep traveling home wanting to see my little boy and imagining what it would be like to hold him.

I never knew what it was like to miss my mom until I went away to college. When I started having feelings for Diana, I missed her as well when I would go home for break, but this feeling was unique. It was like somehow my heart expanded allowing more people to be close to me but in different ways. And as silly as it sounds, the same thing happened when Buffy entered into my life. My heart got a little bit bigger to let that fluff ball into my heart and the feeling I get when she runs up to me is also unique.

It’s easier to be away from my mom, Diana and Buffy than it used to be. But the amazing thing is that when I do see them after being away, that rush of emotion, relief and love is the same that I felt after missing them years earlier.

When I got home Diana rushed up and gave me a big hug and it was like seeing her after being apart during winter break in college all over again. It felt like my day could finally start. My mom gave me a hug and I felt the comfort that can only come from being close to someone who has known and loved you your entire life and Buffy, with her ears flattened back on her head waited for me to bend down to give her a hug.

Then Diana brought me Ollie, who had just woken up from a nap. As I hugged him I pretend to eat his ears and neck making silly growling sounds causing him to laugh and squeal in joy. Feeling tears in my eyes, I looked at my smiling baby and everything felt perfect.

Year 4: Week 11- Boys Away From Home

For the fourth year, I went to the Lorado Taft Field Campus with my fifth graders. Along with the homeroom teachers, science teachers, the teacher assistants and an art teacher we traveled to Oregon, Illinois for four days and three nights of outdoor education. Every year I've written about different memories from the trip. The first year it was a the campfire, the second year it was singing "Edge of Glory" after the rain and last year it was the the experience of being "on" for the entirety of the trip.

So what was the takeaway this year?  Managing the craziness boys.

We stay in a dorm rooms that have eight beds each. One or two adult shares a the room with about seven kids. Of course we separate them by genders so I have a room with seven boys.

Now keep in mind these are fifth graders that we are talking about. Even the most mature fifth graders need reminders on how to dress and how to share a room and a bathroom with a group of boys.

As someone who never went to sleep away camp, I was shocked at the insanity and the "Lord of the Flies," vibe. The general silliness goes beyond logic as the most quiet kids during the school became giggling messes when they catch the glimpse of another boy's butt when they are changing after taking a shower.

Now managing a group of boys sharing at room, making sure they get ready in huge morning and get to bed at night is the part of this trip I dislike the most. But this year, it actually went pretty well. There was still a level of frustration and it was exhausting but we got it done and it went a lot smoother than in previous years.

Here's a couple things I've figured out:

Set some ground rules: I only had two rule for them. Keep the floor clear so that people can walk and not trip and take care the of the reason that we are here. I don't care how silly they are being just along as they are getting dressed when it's time to get dressed.

Story time: Nothing quiets down the boys more than a bedtime story. At first I was really concerned about finding the the right story. However I've found that even when I read a story that isn't that great, the kids still really got into it. This year I used a collection of short stories. I started reading it with the lights on then turned off the lights off and read by flashlight. Not every kid actually listened to the story, but they were quiet while I read and it really helped them wind down.

Manage bathroom time: Seven boys sharing a bathroom with two stalls, one shower stall and two sinks is utter chaos without some direction. You have to help them create a shower schedules and make sure the kids are going into bathroom for a reason. All I know is that there was far less monkey sounds coming out of that bathroom than in the past.

Now I still don't understand the general insanity pf what happens when fifth grade boys get together at night. They were really into singing "Wrecking Ball" with different lyrics and thought they were hilarious. Part of learning to deal with this is just accepting this silliness and focus on helping them get done what they need to so they are ready and prepared for their experience.

Managing groups of boys and trying to get them going is still not my favorite part of this trip, but I'm getting better at it.  Maybe this will all make a little bit more sense when Ollie is older or maybe I just need to stop trying to figure out the craziness that is fifth grade boys.  Maybe I just need to stop trying to figure these boys out and try to find some joy in their fascination with deodorant, the inability to organize their clothing and the joy they get from the adventure of being away from home.