Parenthood: Week 70 - Read to me?

It was my turn last Saturday to get up early with Ollie.  He’s a morning person and will get up around 6am every day. On the weekends we usually switch off who gets up early with him and who sleeps in.  Last Saturday morning it was my turn.

He played by himself for a little bit as I got myself through my morning routine. When I sat down on the floor he immediately grabbed a book and pushed it towards me. I excitedly read his book of choice to him. Then he chose another book for me to read, followed by more books. At a certain point, a toy distracted him and I started to doze off only to be awoken by the feeling of a board book being shoved into my throat.

Wearily I wiped the sleep off from my eyes, found a little bit of energy and began reading to him once again because of a promise I had made to myself and to Ollie.

When I think of the most meaningful milestones Ollie’s first words don’t come to mind or the first time he crawled. What comes to mind was the first time he giggled at Diana and the first time he brought a book to me to read.

The first time I read a book to Ollie he was six days old. It was kind of cute but at that point he could barely see, so it felt a little pointless. I wanted to start him our right but honestly reading to a newborn is kind of drag, so instead I just spent time talking to him, cuddling with him and changing his diapers.

As time went on and he became more responsive we read to him more and more. A lot of the time he would try to eat the book or crawl away before we got past the first page of the book. We kept at it and made a ritual of family story time every night.

Ollie slowly started to show preferences for certain books, giggling at certain pages and pointing to specific pictures repeatedly. And then that magic moment happened: Ollie crawled over to a pile of books he had pulled off his shelf, specifically chose one book and pushed it into my lap.

I read this book and he laughed without prompting at jokes in the book at the right time. When I finished the book and put it down with the other books, he crawled over, picked up the book and insisted I read it again. This happened about five times before we finally called it a night.

Ollie displayed incredible cognitive growth that evening. He recognized a specific book and related the contents of the book to its cover. Ollie followed along with the story, predicting when the jokes occurred and responded to the pictures and my voice. Also, Ollie communicated to me preference, his opinion, telling me not only what he wanted but what he enjoyed.

I was so proud of him. In that moment we saw the spark of a love of reading and I made a promise to him that night that I would do whatever I could to help develop in him a love for reading. If that means going to bookstores and libraries on a weekly basis or reading books to him whenever he asks, I would make it happen for Ollie.

I will even read that book where that narrator insists on saying goodnight to everything.  I get saying goodnight to a kitten but a bowl of mush?  Shouldn't you have brought that to the kitchen instead of leaving it out all night?  And honestly who says goodnight to "nobody"?  That's just creepy and weird.

Year 5: Week 4 – Letting Go

When I first started teaching I would try to make my own worksheets and I wasn’t comfortable with other people coming in and teaching my class. I felt that a great teacher had to do everything him or herself and that it was important that my students go their knowledge and success came from only me.

Now I’m all about using other people’s materials and bringing in as many people as possible to work with my students. The priority is my students’ learning and not who helps facilitate this growth.

Teachers often enter the field with a little “teacher-hero” fantasy. We want to be that teacher who single-handedly inspires a student to grow and learn. Part of this fantasy is that we do this all ourselves while fighting administrators, parents and other teachers.

The reality is that one of the things that truly great teachers do is utilize resources. There is not enough time in the day for teachers to gather all the materials, create worksheets and utilizing innovative instructional activities all by themselves. Smart teachers understand this and utilize available resources that take advantage of other people’s great work and skill.

Teachers who carefully utilize textbooks and other resources are freed from the time it takes to create those materials and can spend more time focusing on their students as learners and human beings.

Students don’t care who came up with a worksheet or band arrangement. The only people who really care about this is the teachers who make them. If you are making these materials looking for recognition from your school community, then you need to seriously look at your reasons for being a teacher. Something is off-balance in your teaching philosophy if recognition is your motivation for your work.

I used to get really uncomfortable with the idea of bringing someone in to help teach my class. I was afraid that my kids would realize that this other person was better than me and then not respect me as a teacher.

What I realized years later is that there is someone out there who dramatically outshines me in almost every facet of my teaching. There are better band directors, general music teachers, arrangers, and curriculum writers out there. It’s silly for me to present to my kids that I’m the best at all of this stuff when I’m not.

When I started bringing in more teachers to work with my students I didn’t see any difference in the level of authority that I had over my students and their level of respect they expressed towards me. Instead they expressed gratitude to me for setting up visits from other teachers.

Use textbooks and other people's arrangement.  Borrow colleague's materials and bring in other people to help your students learn.  If a video can teach a concept better than you, then use it and sit back and relax.  The greatest teachers know when its best to let go.

Don't forget, this song is not about you.

Parenthood: Week 69 - Rejection

Sometimes Ollie pushes me away.

Most of the time when I approach Ollie he is happy to see me. He will giggle and scream in joy when I come home from work and other times he crawls over to me to me with a toy in his hand that he is excited to share with me.

There are the nights when I rock Ollie to bed after he is upset and he cuddles into my arms, smiles up to me and gently falls asleep and there are the mornings when he pulls himself up in his crib, smiling to greet me.

Then there are the times when Ollie doesn’t want me around.

There are the moments when he’s upset and I pick him up and instead of being comforted by me he reaches out to Diana. There are the times when Diana is holding Ollie and I come in form a group hug and he pushes me away. And there are the times when I try to hold him and he crawls away.

Ollie is a young toddler with only a small bit of understanding of how his actions affect my feelings. He doesn’t know that when he shows a preference for Diana that it makes me feel rejected, especially after a long day at work when I haven’t had very much time with him. There is no intent or thought in these actions, there’s only instinct.

Diana does her best to comfort me. Sometimes when he’s showing preference for her, she will leave the room, which sometimes helps him, calm down and focus on me as a source of comfort. She tells me that at some point the tables will turn and he will show a clear preference for me. While I appreciate Diana’s sentiment, I actually don’t find comfort in the idea that Diana will feel this sense of rejection as well. In some ways this may make me sadder than experiencing this rejection myself.

We aren’t supposed to look to our babies for emotional and physical comfort. Babies are not there to serve our needs. If you are looking for unconditional love and a warm-body to cuddle with in the evenings, get a dog, not a baby. While I understand this point intellectually, it’s not that simple in reality.

When I hold Ollie, hug him and kiss him, I get emotional satisfaction out of it and most of the time, not all of the time, Ollie does too. The times when he pushes me away aren’t difficult because of an emotional deficit that is created. Instead Ollie’s rejection makes me feel unimportant, useless and disregarded. Yes, I know that Ollie doesn’t mean to make me feel this way, but those feelings are there and I have to brush them off.

Parenthood is about saying, “I love you,” to a child who cannott or doesn’t say it back. It’s doing for your children without receiving gratitude and it’s knowing that no matter how many time your child may push you away, she is glad that you are part of her life.

Every time Ollie pushes me away it makes me sad, but that doesn’t stop me from coming back the next opportunity I have to give him a hug. Yes, he may want Diana when I pick him up next time, but he might want me. I’ll take my chances because the feeling of Ollie settling into my arms and seeing his smiling face close to mine is far greater and more meaningful than any feeling of rejection.

Year 5: Week 3 - Parent To Parent

Carolyn has always been a quiet girl.

In the first year I taught her when she was in sixth grade, she barely spoke a word to me that entire school year. Carolyn was always compliant, and never complained. She was the best flute player and one of the best musicians in the band, but she never let that go to her head.

When I taught Carolyn again last year as a eighth grader, she had loosened up a little. I would catch her giggling with other girls and goofing around a little but in class she was still all business. At times through the year, I would make jabs at her together to react and she would give me a sarcastic expression or roll her eyes at me. Towards the end of the year, she got even more confident with herself in class and would playfully make a joke at my expense, which we all enjoyed. I always knew that Carolyn took her work seriously and it was nice to see her have a little bit more fun in class.

In the process of high school registration, Carolyn was having difficulties getting all the classes she wanted into her schedule. As the music department chair, I had the ability to help her out with her situation. I reached out to Carolyn's father to explain what was going on from our side and to see if there were any insights he could provide.

Carolyn's dad explained that she has never been a kid who demanded much, so when she really wanted to take certain classes, he wanted to do everything he could to help Carolyn. I told him that I agreed with his observations from what I had observed in the classroom.

I almost stopped there, but then I went a step further.

I told Carolyn's dad that my son, was just getting to the age that he actually asks for things that he likes. I explained how earlier that week he put a specific book in my hand to read to him and when I out down the book after finishing it, he would pick it up and try to put it in my hands again. This was the first time that he actually asked for something from me and that excitement alone made me feel excited to comply to his request.  This led to me reading this book to him five times in a row.

I immediately felt silly using this story to relate to Carolyn's dad. I started saying how it's different with a baby, but he interrupted me and told me that it was exactly the same feeling. When your child asks for something that will enrich their lives whether it is a teenager asking for a class or a baby asking for a book, you want to make it happen.

We talked some more about Carolyn and the issues with her schedule! I promised to see what I could do to help Carolyn out and he ended the conversation graciously.

One of the most important things to do when you talk to parents is to validate and understand their feelings. In the past this has been difficult because sometimes as much as I try, I don't really understand what they were going through without having a kid myself.

Just because I'm a dad, doesn't mean that I instantly understand everything my parents are talking about, but it helps. I understand my students' parents a lot more now than before Ollie was in my life.
I don't think I'm going to constantly pull out stories about my own son in every conversation with a parent, but I will at times.

It's a new feeling talking being able to talk "parent to parent" and not just talk "teacher to parent."  It reminds me how much I have to learn from my students' parents and that my students are more than just my kids, they are someone's children.

Frat Boy: Saga Dining Hall - Part 5

We reconvened in the common room of PMA. It was here that we took the time to the let the “chefs” explain their dishes and we revealed the point totals that of course, proved once and forever the superiority of the senior class.

It wasn’t until a day or two later that we went back to Saga. The events of the weekend encouraged us to go out to eat and I think some of us wanted to avoid going back to the scene of the crime.

I remember walking over to Saga with Mary feeling worried and regretful. Yes, we had fun but it felt like we had taken advantage of this place that meant so much to us and had put unnecessary stress on the staff.

We walked in, saw a pretty good sized crowd already at our table, swiped in, smiled to the lady greeting us and got settled down for lunch.

At the table there was a lot of nervous talk about how much trouble we had gotten into and whether or not we needed to make a formal apology. As we discussed and speculated, Mary stood up. We immediately fell silent as Mary walked over and we watched nervously as she discussed what happened a couple days earlier with the lady who swiped us in.

None of us could hear the conversation but we could tell that both Mary and the lady were smiling. At some point she laughed and Mary joined her. Mary came back to our table, quietly sat down and explained that the staff had found our Saga Iron Chef hilarious. The manager (who we didn’t care about) was angry and annoyed at us but the staff who we knew and cared about loved seeing us have so much fun.

A huge wave a relief permeated across the table as we continued our lunch.

When you are in college in a group of people it’s easy to feel like you own a place, and we felt like we owned the Plex. It was our tables, our cafeteria, and it was part of our home. We didn’t think about the consequences of leaving a mess at our table, we didn’t consider when we loudly and openly complained about the food that people who made the food were in earshot and we didn’t always think about the workers who served us as people

Chances are if we asked the staff or the management to help us with our silly event they would have be happy to support us or even participate.

I’m glad that we had fun, but even more than that, I’m glad that this event reminded us that Saga wasn’t just about us and that our actions effected other people. This place that we loved so much, was special not only because of the people who ate there but also because the people who worked there. When I think about things that I miss from college, Saga is one of the first things that come to mind. There’s times at work, when I’m sitting at a table with some of my kids or other teachers that it approaches that same vibe, but its not the same.

 NUMB brought us together, PMA and SAI allowed us to become a family, but it was Saga that gave us that shared experience that connection to each other every day. The food wasn’t great at Saga, but at those tables, I had some of the most meaningful eating experiences of my life.

I love food, but more than my love of food, I value the experience of sharing a meal with people. I’ll never sit at that table with those people eating that food ever again.  And that's what made Saga so special.

Don’t judge a book by its cover and don’t judge a meal by its food.

Parenthood: Week 68 - Boredom

Parenting can be really boring.

Yes, there are many dramatic moments in parenting. The crisis of a blown out diaper on the road with only a limited amount of baby wipes handy and the endless nights when sleep is allusive for everyone in the house. There are also moments of indescribable joy like when your baby brings over her favorite book to you to read and giggles at the funny voices you make as you read aloud.

There are the annoying times when he throws the food that you put a lot of effort into cooking for him onto the floor. Then there are the aggravating moments when your patience is running out and your toddler just won’t stop crying.

Along with all of this, there are moments in parenting that can be really boring.

When Ollie was a newborn he didn’t laugh at any of my jokes, react to the books I read to him or smiled. There wasn’t a lot of different ways that he could show me that he understood me but he was so cute and anyways he slept most of the time. Because of this the awkward moments when we were just bored staring at each other were at a minimum.

As Ollie developed his first year, he would smile at my silly voices, begin playing with toys and move around the room. This has developed into the toddler Ollie is now. He has opinions of what he wants to play with. When he wants to read a book he will put a book in my hand and he will try to interact with me by grabbing at my leg or crawling all over me.

Yes, Ollie is adorable but sometimes things can get boring when I play with him. He’s not a great conversationalist and his books, while they continue to fascinate him lack the emotional depth and character development for repeated readings.

It’s sometimes really difficult to not get bored as he attempts to put the triangle shape through the square whole of his shape sorter for the fifth time in a row.

There’s the adage that you get what you put into a situation. That’s most definitely the case with playing with toddlers. You are the one who needs to bring energy and creativity during your playtime to the table. The toddler sometimes demands your attention, but often Ollie doesn’t. The problem here is that in these moments Ollie will often get into something he shouldn’t if I don’t actively help him become engaged in something he should be playing with.

It’s okay to be bored with your kid sometimes. It happens to everyone. Our kids our cute, constantly changing and endlessly fascinating but like other people in our lives, they can be boring sometimes.

My recommendation: Pace out your time with your kid. Go out and do stuff. I’m not talking about crazy outings to museums. The bookstore, library or grocery store are great places to go with your kid. Even though you’ve read that book over and over, add some voices, it’ll be less boring for you that way if you just put in a little bit more energy.  Stay engaged.  Times always moves faster if you are actively engaged in an activity.  It takes extra effort, but it's worth it.

Lastly, you don’t always have to be doing things with your kid. It’s ok to just sit there checking your Facebook feed while your kids is sitting playing with some blocks. If checking your phone helps your get through your boredom as your toddler independently plays, it’s all good. Do what you have to do. Just make sure that when your child wants to reengage with you, the phone disappears.  Sometimes these moments when you are more passive with your child gives you the energy to jump back in with more enthusiasm.

One day Ollie will engage in thoughtful conversations with me, until then I'll continue to reread his favorite books and help him with his shape sorter.  Because here's the thing, as boring as these this things can be for me, when I look into Ollie's eyes and see his fascination and excitement in the mundane, it doesn't seem so boring anymore.

Year 5: Week 2 – The Office

Most teachers’ offices are there classrooms, but music teachers sometimes are in a different situation. Teachers who share classroom spaces often get an office space. It’s difficult to do work in a room when there’s a class going on.

My first office I ever had as a teacher was a small closet of an office. It was probably 6x8 feet. Crammed in there were two desks, a computer workstation we shared and a bookshelf. It was nice to have some space but at the same time it opened up right to the band room which almost always had class going on in there, so it was never really an escape.

My office-mate was incredibly nice but it was crammed and not the most conducive space to getting work done.

As an assistant, I didn’t have an office. Instead I had a single drawer in a desk. There were a bunch of computers in the room that I assisted in so computer access wasn’t a big deal. There wasn’t really a need for me to have an office since as an assistant, I never called parents and rarely had a lot of desk work to do.

When I came to this school five years ago, there were five teachers including myself sharing three office spaces. Four teachers shared two different offices with a small conference room in-between these spaces. The fifth teacher utilized our MIDI lab as his office.

Five of us were in different spaces and while it worked out pretty well, it didn’t feel like were a department. The art teachers all shared one space, the drama teachers did too and also the science department had one shared office space.

How did the music offices end up getting split up? When the school did it’s most recent construction almost a decade a go, they went with teacher preference. While this made sense at the time it didn’t speak to the larger and more important concern: how do we want our department to work together and how can the space reflect this?

The way you set-up a classroom communicates expectations and values to our students and the way an office is set-up has the exact same effect. We wanted to be more collaborative, get more face time with each other. The administration understood our concerns and goals and got on board to help make this happen.

The plan we came up with knocked down walls turning the two offices and the one small conference room between into one large office with an even smaller room next to it.

With most building projects, our office construction was delayed. We didn’t have access to this space until late into the first week of classes. At the end of week two we still don’t have furniture that fits in the space and because of these there are crates of supplies and files that have yet to be unpacked. Yes, we are not in an idea office situation but we are all together in one space and that has been awesome.

There are some things for us to work out, like how to arrange furniture and share filing cabinets. And even though we can all work with some noise around us, sometimes we all need a little quiet to focus.

The good stuff about being in one space has made a big difference in the feeling of our department. We have a lot more informal conversations that have helped get a lot of things done. We have a better awareness of what each other are doing and we are also having more fun. The progressive chess game that started this week has been a fun distraction, there’s more video games being played and there’s a lot more laughter.

To bring joy into the classroom, it's important that teachers experience joy outside of the classroom.  Teaching can be a very stressful job and teachers need a space, a teacher's lounge, a shared office space to remind ourselves that as difficult as it is to be a teacher, we are not alone in our struggles.