Parenthood - Week 522: "Communication, a telephonic invasion"

"The water in my bottle bottles isn't cold!" 

"Go fill up your water bottle with cold water," Diana yelled to Ethan.

"[pause] THE WATER IN MY BOTTLE ISN'T COLD!!!"

"FINE! I'll get you some water. Stop yelling"!"

I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 6:08 AM. What a way to start a Friday. I pulled myself out of bed and went downstairs to fix him a water bottle with plenty of ice. I brought the bottle up to his room and handed it to him. He reached for the bottle, drank it, handed it back to me, and flopped back to bed. I went back to my bed for another twenty minutes of sleep before I needed to get up in the morning.

Maybe I should have made him get up and make the water bottle himself. However, sometimes getting my kid to stop screaming takes priority over teaching my child to be independent.

*****

Lucas has learned how to say "please…pretty please?" when he asks for something he wants.

Lucas has always had a warm disposition and a gentle way about him. He wasn't a demanding baby and learned early that he could get what he wanted by being sweet and smiling more effectively than by screaming. Lucas doesn't quite understand that adding "pretty" to "please" changes a "no" into a "yes" but we appreciate the effort and, of course, his cuteness.

Lucas is a resourceful kid. He learned early how to carry footstools around the house to get what he wanted from tall shelves around the house and in the pantry. So it's common for me to make dinner and see Lucas sitting at the table eating a snack he somehow got all by himself.

It's wonderful to see Lucas find success in communication. It's satisfying to see language work for him, and he is so proud of himself when a "pretty please" gives him access to something through positive interaction with one of us.

*****

When Ollie gets going, it's fascinating to hear him talk. Sometimes, Ollie needs a minute to think about what he wants to say or respond to a question. Then there are moments when he expresses something that he has thought deeply about, and I can see the words flow out of him freely.

Sometimes it's about a video game, a speed cube, or something else he has considered. And once he gets going, it's almost like he can't stop. The words come and come, and it's like he's downloading out loud something his mind has been trying to figure out and now is finally ready to make real through words what he has been feeling and thinking about. Once Ollie becomes better at typing, I'm excited to see how his thoughts look as the speed he can put words on a page catch up to the speed of his thoughts.

Parenthood - Week 516: Buffy's New Bed

“Buffy? Kings, get down here!” 

 

I was upstairs when I heard my wife call me. I wasn’t clear from her tone the mood of the moment, but her voice had a level of urgency. As I came downstairs, I saw Diana standing and pointing at our box of winter wear. In this box full of gloves, hats, and mittens sat Buffy. Her fur was coming out of the sides of the box, and she was resting peacefully. 

 

Buffy had somehow managed to climb into this box, and like a cat in a box meme, she sat there content while looking absurd.  

 

“Silly puppy.” 

 

Buffy has a bed in the front room near the same area as this box, but lately, she has been resting not in her bed but on random jackets, gloves, and other clothing on the floor. Because we live with three children, winter clothing accessories are often not hung up or put away. After school, my kids come in, sometimes needing to go to the bathroom in a rush to transition to being home, which can be a mess at times.  

 

The boys get home from school, and as they transition, Buffy takes advantage of the time before my sons put away their stuff. Sometimes before we can put everything away, she has already settled on Ollie’s jacket. Maybe Buffy likes to lay on Ollie’s jacket because it’s soft or novel, or perhaps she likes cuddling up to the scent of someone in her pack.  

 

A couple of days ago, I was cleaning the house nightly after the kids went to bed. As I moved into our living room, I noticed Buffy slowly following me. When I stopped, she stopped and looked up at me. I sighed and then went to the closet. I took out Ollie’s winter coat and threw it on the ground. Buffy turned around and walked towards the coat. She walked in a small circle around the coat and settled down in the coat. Then she let out a relaxed sigh and closed her eyes.  

 

*****  

 

In the evening, Buffy regularly goes upstairs and wants to sleep in Ollie and Ethan’s room. She gets upset when the door isn’t open after they go to bed and wants to get in. At some point in the night, she wants to sleep back downstairs. When I forget to leave that room’s door open a crack, I will hear her whine or bark in the middle of the night, and sometimes Ollie gets up to open the door for her. We’ve gotten into the habit of leaving that door open so she can go downstairs.  

 

There’s a little space between a chest of drawers and Ethan’s bed. It’s only about a foot and a half wide. I’ve wedged one of Buffy’s bed’s into that space, and she enjoys having this little nook to settle in for part of the night.  

 

I’m not sure why she wants to go downstairs in the middle of the night, but it’s nice knowing she’s keeping an eye on the boys and wants to settle for the night close to them.

Year 13: Week 26 - Taking Her Lead

I needed to do more than hold the door. 

I followed her out of the rehearsal space when one of the professors waved at me and told me that the door might be locked and she might not be able to get back into the room. I stood there holding the door for a couple of minutes. It seemed like this student should have come back in by now, so I checked to see that the door was unlocked, and it was, so I went out to the lobby. There she was, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall with her head down.  

It was a joyous day. One of my colleagues had organized a trip to Northwestern University with one of our middle school choirs. The plan was to visit one of the choir pedagogy classes so the college students could experience a real choir to practice and develop their craft as choir teachers.  

It was a win-win situation. The students in this choir class got to have a great experience with teaching, and our students got to work with some different teachers, each lunch at the student center and got to run around campus. I was delighted to help chaperone this trip, as Northwestern University is my alma mater, and support my colleague and the students on this adventure.  

The students were in awe entering the music building, the professor was warm and welcoming, and the university students were gracious. Things were going great when that student raised her hand during a pause in the class. She gestured to my colleague that she wanted to leave, and I assumed she just needed to use the bathroom.  

When I found her in the lobby, I sat beside her. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just sat there in silence, not wanting to intrude in her moment of solitude and wanting her to come to feel my presence unobtrusively.  

She told me that this was frustrating. She wanted to participate, but she couldn’t. She needed a break; her mind wasn’t letting her stay in the moment. She told me she was tired of her anxiety and mental health issues preventing her from doing what she wanted to do in life. She felt terrible that her problems made life more difficult for people who cared about her. She wished things could be different and didn’t like feeling alone.   

I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I wanted to comfort her but didn’t want to give her false platitudes. She was expressing too much that was deep and venerable for me not to be honest with her.  

I told her that being your authentic self sometimes means feeling alone, but it’s better than pretending to be something you are not trying to fit in. I explained to her that she is processing at a high level, and some adults don’t know how to talk about their lives, their feelings, and their mental health as well as she does. I talked about how my children gave my life meaning by being people I love enough to care for and worry about. And I told her that her presence in the lives of people who care and worry about her is a blessing.  

She looked at me for the first time in our conversation, “thank you.” 

I nodded in response, and we sat silently for a few minutes. I told her it was okay and that we could hang out in the lobby for as long as she wanted.  

“Let’s go back in.” she sighed quietly and stood up. 

I took her lead and followed her back into the rehearsal room.

Parenthood - Week 515: Taking Care of Buffy

It started with the early mornings. 

Usually, I would take Buffy out before I went to bed around 10:30 pm, and then in the morning, around when I was getting ready for work, at 6:30 or so, Buffy would get up and want to go out. Often it would be later. Then, about a month ago, Buffy started getting up early, needing to go out.

Around 3:30 or 4:00 am, I would wake to Buffy whining from Ollie and Ethan’s bedroom, where she liked to sleep. So I would open their door, and she would go downstairs, and I would let her out. Then, after she came back in, I would go back to bed for a couple of hours. Other times it would be closer to when I would get up, so it didn’t make sense to me to try to go to bed.

It was annoying, but I figured it was part of the deal with having an older dog. It was the least I could do to help out my puppy. Then we started noticing that Buffy was eating less food. So Diana took Buffy to the veterinarian. Two things were concerning: her weight and her heart.

Buffy is a small dog, under 20 lbs, so when she loses a couple of pounds, it’s a big deal, and this is exactly what happened. The other issue Buffy was that her heart was enlarged. So we got Buffy on heart medication, and I started doing all I could to make Buffy’s food more appealing.

I got some dog food seasoning products sprinkled on dog food to make it more appealing, and I started mixing in small pieces of meat or broth. It’s worked. Over the past couple of weeks, Buffy has started eating more consistently, and she’s been sleeping longer and not needing to go out until after I was up. Soon, we will have Buffy follow-up visit with the veterinarian and see how her weight and heart medication is doing.

There were nights that I slept light, not wanting to miss hearing Buffy’s whines, afraid that I wouldn’t hear her and get up and let her out. I worry more about her overall. There are extra things to think about. We must manage her medication, be more thoughtful about her food and check in with her.

Sometimes Buffy goes to bed with the boys before she has had her medicine, so I wake her up and carry her downstairs. I need to coat her pills with peanut butter so that she will eat them. I find this really gross because I used to be allergic to peanuts and have a strong aversion to the smell, but I power through. Buffy doesn’t hear as well as she used to, so after I make her a meal, I pick her up and put her in front of her food, especially with specially prepared meals she digs in.

Buffy continues to do so much for us, and I’m glad we can do things to make her feel better.

Buffy will always be our special puppy. I'm happy to show her love by taking care of her. 

Year 13: Week 25 - Coming Back From A Hard Day

Thursday was a hard day. Things that students did, for some reason, affected me more than they should have. There were unforeseen situations and new challenges, and I had a lot on my mind.

This was a day where things that happened in school stayed with me into the evening, and it wasn’t until late after my children went to bed that I fully understood why I felt so deeply about the things that happened at school.

As I sat in the parking lot Friday morning, I thought, “How do I bounce back?” It felt a like a choice. Whether I had a good day was going to be up to me, and I thought about what I had been taught about teaching and what I knew about myself and remembered some keys to having a better day.

“Do one thing at a time.”

When the to-do list seems overwhelming, do one thing at a time. That’s all you can do. Think about what tasks you can do, write them out, and just get started. It’s a push like one step up a mountain, but each task that gets done makes things feel easier to handle, like looking down at the path and seeing how high you have climbed. Looking at a to-do list with tasks crossed out is a motivating feeling.

“Reboot”

One reason Thursday was challenging is that one class had many students having issues regulating their behavior. So when that class came into music on Friday, and they were not having to behave appropriately, I had the students leave the room and review classroom norms in the hallways.

Reestablishing expectations is great for the students and also teachers. Values expressed through norms of care, respect, and love should be present in all teachers; sometimes, we forget to remind our students and ourselves that our work comes out of love.

 

“Share Joy”

I love Motown music, and I’ve been fascinated by “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” recently. So I showed my students some video clips of performances of this song, and I geeked out in front of them. Because of my genuine enthusiasm, my students got really into the song, and we had some great conversations about why it was awesome.

We did drum circle, and I enjoyed the experience myself and told my students how special it is to play instruments together and share in the unique experience of making music.

Friday ended up being a good day.

The best way to improve things is to “make them better.” Passivity doesn’t help. You must put in the effort to change how things feel for you and your students. In that effort, you find your way and power to make change.

Parenthood - Week 514: Putting Lucas To Bed

Lucas comes into the room excited to read a book. 

I have already turned the room light off and turned on his lamp and nightlight. Sometimes he wants to read the book we read the night before, but tonight he wants a new book. Lucas walks over to the closet and points up, “book.”

I put my hands underneath his armpits and lift him facing away from me. I slowly move him across the different bookshelves closet. At some point, he grunts and reaches out. I move him closer, and he carefully puts his finger on the spine of the book that he wants me to read.

I put Lucas down, and he walks over to his bed as I pull the book off the shelf.

Lucas fell out of his bed a couple of times after he got moved into a twin-sized bed, so Diana put a bumper on the side of his bed open to the room. It’s a long stiff pillow that is tucked under the sheet. Even though I initially thought this was pointless, it does keep him in bed as he sleeps.

It’s cute. Because of this bumper, Lucas struggles to get into bed, so as he has one leg hanging off the bed, trying to climb in, I give him a little push, and he rolls into bed.

I climb into bed with Lucas, who lies to my right. Sometimes he wants his stuffed goose with him. Other times he doesn’t seem to care. This night as he tucks in close to me, with concerns, he says, “Mickey?” I realize he’s talking bout his Mickey Mouse stuffed toy. “I’ll get it, and it’s downstairs. Wait here.”

I get out of bed and run downstairs, and when I come back with his Mickey Mouse toy, he smiles and reaches his hands out. As I get back into bed with him, I tuck Mickey next to him, but he points to the end of the bed. I figured it out. He wants Mickey at the foot of the bed. I prop him up at the end of the bed so Lucas could see him. Lucas looks at me, satisfied, and I start reading to him.

Sometimes Lucas asks me to reread a page, and other times he wants me to pause so he can look at a picture. This night he does a little of both. I don’t completely understand what he is getting out of this book, but he is actively listening and trying to figure something out.

After the book is done, Lucas still looks like he is concentrating.

“Do you want to read your book while daddy reads his?” “Yes.”

I pull the novel I’m reading from the top of the bedpost and start reading as Lucas looks at his book. After a couple of minutes, Lucas pushes the book away and cuddles up to me, leaning his head against my shoulder.

“I love you, Lucas.”

“I. Lub you too..” 

 I continue to read my book as I feel the weight of his body settle into mine, and I hear his breathing slow down and get heavier.

After about ten minutes, I close my book and look at Lucas. I kiss him on his head and carefully climb out of bed.

I turn off his lamp, close his door, and leave him for the night.

Year 13: Week 24 - Why I Love Hiring

"I love this work."

This was the first thing that came to mind when I was recently asked why I wanted to be on a hiring committee. Working on hiring has been some of the most rewarding and challenging work I'veI've done at this school. Also, this work feels powerfully tied to DEIB work, which is central to my approach to education and life.

Seeing someone find success at my school that I picked out of an initial resume sift and supported throughout the hiring process is a beautiful feeling. Of course, I never remind people I helped hire that I did this work for them because their success is theirs. However, I feel particularly warm and pride in the success of these people at my school because of my work during their concerts, hearing studnets' laughter from great learning in their classes, and hearing parents talk about how much they like these teachers.

In many ways, my hiring success is my most incredible legacy at this school.

The challenge of hiring is real and ever-evolving. There is a feeling of pressure and anxiety that comes with every hire. You want to get it right. Mediocre people are difficult to fire in any workplace setting, as are people who are just awful. Over the years, I'veI's come to worry less and less that hiring committees that I'm on will not "get it right." The vast majority of committees I've been on have hired great people. I enter my hiring work this spring with great confidence, born out of a depth of experience, that my team will hire the "right" person.

One crucial thing that I've learned is that the person you hire is the "right" person is very much what you do with this person once they are hired. A "perfect candidate" can end up leaving a company if the onboarding isn't done well and the community doesn't rally around this person and measure their success in the success of this new hire. Also, a candidate that some people may have reservations about can raise these concerns with support, empathy, and care. Getting an effective new person in your community is only partially accomplished by a good "hire" a good amount of the work is done after that process is completed.

Over the past decade, I've been involved with hiring at my school. The process has changed dramatically, and I've learned that hiring can often be fraught with bias, including racism and sexism. After going through multiple trainings on hiring, I've realized bias within myself (e.g., showing a preference for who went to the same school I did) and recognizing bias in others. I have also learned about many hiring practices that can be inequitable. For example, sometimes people look down on people who have resumes that show a gap in work. The reality is that this practice can often be sexist as often women have to take time off from work to have children or care for a loved one.

I've been challenged to move past the language of "a good fit," which can sometimes be coded language for prejudicial judgments, and understand why not sharing interview questions with candidates isn'tisn't inclusive of diverse thinkers. Also, I've had my judgment called out and forced with each hiring to reconsider how I view candidates, my school, and myself.

One of the reasons I enjoy being part of hiring is because of the responsibility this work brings me; it also brings me the power to make my school more diverse and inclusive. I have earned my place at the hiring table with hard work. The resumes I have to look through feel daunting. But, I'm excited about the work, the conversations, and bringing someone new into my school community.

Healthy school communities bring new people into their buildings. Hiring is a feature, not a flaw. With the right person, we are challenged to grow and be better for our students and ourselves.