Monday, August 12, 2013

I Don’t Wanna Fight by Tina Turner

What is a normal amount of fighting in a relationship? Is a screaming match healthy if it happens once a month or once a week? Is it okay if the fighting goes beyond the verbal to the physical?

People have a wide variety of what they consider a “normal” amount of fighting. These expectations are usually set up from observing their parent’s relationship. In my view physical fitting is never okay and which most people agree with but at the I also think that it’s never okay to raise your voice to someone you love. Some families and yelling isn’t necessarily out of bounds, but its’ just not something that my wife and I feel is appropriate.

I’ve been thinking a lot about conflict in relationships lately.  Tina Tuner’s reflective and powerful call for understanding, “I Don’t Wanna Fight,” has helped me put some things in perspective.

“I Don’t Wanna Fight,” was part of the soundtrack to the biopic about Turner, What’s Love Got To Do With It. This film, one of the best films about a musician, shows Turner’s rise to stardom but also the abusive relationship she endured with Ike Turner and how she broke free and reinvented herself.

There are so many remarkable things about Tina Turner and the message of “I Don’t Wanna Fight,” showcases the most amazing part of her story. Turner has every right to be better, hateful and angry not only at Ike for the troubles in her life but also God and the cosmos for putting her through what she endured. Her response instead is that “it’s time for letting go.”

When someone has wronged you, they can apologize and you can be mad at them. You can fight it out and scream at each other but after all the dust is settled, it’s your responsibility to let go of the past, the hurt emotions, the bitterness and move on with your life. If you don’t the anger will fester in your soul and continue to make you unhappy. The only person who can do anything about that is you.

Letting go is one of the hardest things to learn how to do in life, but it’s one of the most important.

Fighting and winning is overrated. When you best someone you love in a fight, you may win and that’s great but it’s at the price of someone you care about loosing. If you enjoy conflict and have a winning spirit, that’s great, go play basketball, however keep this out of your relationship. Even when you win against your partner you lose.

If fighting helps you and your partner be more open and honest with each other, great, than have it out. Here’s the thing though, for most of us, fighting an is unproductive expression of insecurities, hurt and misunderstanding. No one really wants to fight. So stop it.

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