Friday, August 2, 2013

Parenthood: Week 10 - Embracing The Irrational

All I wanted to do was get back to Ollie. I had been in the hospital for almost thirty hours from the beginning of Ollie's labor. We decided that it would be best if i stayed overnight. Unlike, Diana I hadn't packed an overnight bag so we both agreed it would be good for me to go home, shower, grab a couple things, take a nap and return later. After thirty hours of being awake, the fresh air felt wonderful but I didn't really care. The shower was rejuvenating but I couldn't really enjoy it. As I laid down to take a nap even though I was exhausted, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was getting back to Ollie and Diana.

It was even worse the first time Diana and I left Ollie with my mother-in-law, while Diana and I went to a wedding.

My rational mind knew in both of these cases that Ollie was fine. There's no where safer for a newborn than in a hospital and my mother-in-law raised three kids. Then there's the irrational feelings of panic and fear. We all have irrational feelings and while they sometimes get in our way, sometimes they are important.

I'm a dad. I love my son and I feel overprotective. I don't fully feel comfortable or at ease unless I'm in his presence. As much as these feelings are illogical, it's important that I have these feelings, because, well, it makes me feel like I'm a dad.

Negative self-talk doesn't help us work through these feelings. Bottling up any emotion leads to an inevitable blow up and negative physical manifestation like insomnia.  Aren't some of the most beautiful emotions in our lives irrational ones?  Like Happiness and love.  Why push down and try to diminish feelings that come from a feeling of love?

So I'm choosing to these embrace these feelings. I acknowledge that they are irrational and I'm not going to let then control my life. However I'm not going to rush through them or let other people chastise me I'm silly or that I'm being irrational.

I know I'm being silly and irrational. You know what else is kind of silly and irrational? Choosing to have a baby. The financial cost, the lack of sleep, the life style change . . . not the most rational decision.

With each new experience with Ollie I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with him exploring the world. It's taking time, but I'm getting there. This feeling of worry that comes whenever I am away from Ollie has dulled but it has never left me and I don't think it ever will. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy because I can't get that boy out of my mind. It's consuming and distracting, but you know what?

I kind of like it.

Let the new parents of the world be irrational. It's important that we have this time to work through our emotions. We will let you hold our babies for longer later and not run down old ladies when we hear our kids cry. . . eventually.

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