Parenthood: Week 220 - Seesaw

It’s never a good feeling knowing that your kid is missing you.

I try to be rational about these emotions. The fact that my son misses me, means that we have a strong bond and that I am something to him that is worth missing, something that is important to him. We miss the people in our lives that we love the most. This logic helps but only to a point.

I started school last week, and Ollie starts school this week. This means that Ollie was home and hadn’t started his school routine. The rituals from the summer, like Ollie crawling over to my side of the bed and then both of us moving to his bed to cuddle and read a book together have had to stop. I know Ollie missed this when I was gone, since I leave for work usually before he wakes up.

It wasn’t difficult to flip into work mode this past week. Ollie was on my mind, more than normal and while it wasn’t hard to focus on work, there were times when I really just wanted to be at home with my boy.

There is another piece that has made the beginning of this year feel different. Number two is on the way in late October, which means that in a short period of time, I will be taking my paternity leave just as the year is getting started.

This is where things get complicated.

The time that I had off from teaching when Ollie was born made the entire school year feel different. The kids did fine and during that year, great things happened, but it didn’t feel like one of my best years of teaching. The more I talk to parents who are teachers, the more I realize that this is a common thing. When you chose to go on leave, it means that you have a school year that just doesn’t feel as good as other years. It’s okay, and it’s the right thing to do, but it doesn’t always feel that way.

When you are work, you are feeling guilty that you can’t be at home more and then when you are home, you feel guilty you aren’t at work. I have found a balance in the past, when I’ve been able to put work aside completely in my mind and focus only on my family. However, I’ve never been able to get in the state of my mind when my family doesn’t distract me, even in a small way from work.

Part of being a working parent is learning to live with this seesaw of work/life balance, enjoy the rare times when things are balanced and learn to accept that more often than not, things are out of whack.

That’s the way things are right now, out of whack. But that’s okay. The times I had with Ollie this past weekend were nice. It doesn’t make up for time away but it’s a reminder that what I am missing is something real, and something important. Something worth missing, and something that makes the struggle worth it.