Yesterday morning, on a lazy Sunday, I wanted to just stay in bed with my son. Ollie had crawled into bed with me. After cuddling for a little bit, I asked Ollie if he wanted me to read him a book. Ollie replied by rolling out of bed and bringing over a couple books. After we were done, Ollie said that he wanted to eat breakfast.
I felt so tired in that moment. Why couldn’t we just cuddle in bed for a little bit longer? I rolled out of bed and Ollie wrapping his hand around my pointer finger, led me downstairs to the kitchen.
I stood in the kitchen, in a daze, and then I started making Ollie breakfast. Energy came to me as I worked, I started moving faster, and I felt better emotionally and physically. By the time I had Ollie’s breakfast ready, I was ready to fast the day, even before preparing my own breakfast.
There are times that I do not look forward to taking care of Ollie. In the past, when I’ve found that Ollie has wet his bed, I immediately feel frustration, but as soon as I get his sheets in the wash and his bed set up with new sheets I feel pretty good about myself (which is actually pretty easy, we just layer his sheets, potty pad/sheet/potty pad/sheet, so it’s just an issue off tearing off a layer).
I’ve been trying to focus more on self-care in my life. For those of us who are minorities, we experience levels of trauma from micro-aggressions to explicit racism every single day. With the 45th continuing giving voice to the worst amongst in offensive and horrible ways, the trauma feels like its non-stop. Self-care in this atmosphere is has to be a continuous, deliberate, and active act. Sometime self-care is isolation and doing things for oneself, but many times I’m finding that the act of parenting and the role of parenthood is an essential part of my self-care.
When I take care of Ollie, I am doing something that in my soul I know is absolutely, 100% right. There is no doubt in my mind that by caring for him, I am making the world a better place. Every hug, every kiss, every affirmation, and every smile that we share, bring meaning to my life. It’s in this meaning, that my soul feels full.
The care I do for Ollie isn’t always pleasurable, but I never regret taking care of him. When it’s done, no matter how annoying, or aggravating that care might be when it’s happening, I feel proud knowing that I am a good person, a good father and a good man for taking care of my son. Like running 5K every other day, reading books, and watching professional wrestling, caring for Ollie is an essential way that I take care of myself.
Can we give too much to our kids? Yes. We do need to set limits, and if we try to do everything for our kids, we will fail and we may resent our role as a parent. But I’m not there right now. Not by a long shot.
I get far more back than I give to my boy, and even when I’m exhausted, I never fail to find something to give to my special little guy.
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